AN: Sorry it took so long, unfortunately I had a seizure while at work and was holding a glass container and ended up shattering it, so I had to get stitches, but Im back, my hand is sore from the stiches so sorry for any typos, but here is the newest installment. This chapter is just a filler chapter; any suggestions of what case should come next?
Deans POV:
Its been a couple weeks since we got Holland out of the hospital, we stayed at Dr. Morgan's house while we had Holland, and even Sam and I get a full check up. He has a doctor's office in his house stacked with files of other hunters. We were now just all waking up in another hotel on our way to Minnesota for another hunt. We had to get on the road in a couple of hours and I knew I needed to get Holland up to get her a shower and medicated.
She said that I was hovering too much, but I was just being precautious.
[Flash Back]
"Ok, Holland since you are under aged I am going to have your brothers come in with us during your full check up." Dr. Morgan said. His real name is Julian, however, calling him that was weird to us.
"He checked her weight, her height, everything that comes with a check up. There were a few things he did not have to check being that she was just in the hospital.
"Ok, so we are going to put you on VIMPAT for the seizures, now with this it can control the seizures, however it will not eliminate them, you could still have them, and they can become convulsion based seizures so be careful." He said to her while she nodded and he gave her a list of side effects. "Now I am also putting you on a anxiety and depression medication to help with those, and a low dose sleeping med." He started listing off. I was getting nervous, this was a lot of medication. "Your weight is very low though and I would like you to talk to someone if you are struggling with an eating disorder." I saw her eyes bug out of her skull. She did not have an eating disorder, she was always thin and could not keep the weight on, but she really dropped weight after the incident that had happened.
"She doesn't have an eating disorder. She never can keep on weight, and recently there was a situation and she struggled finding food." I told Doctor Morgan, giving him a look that said I would explain it later.
"Ok, in that case I want you drinking this drink called boost every day, twice a day. This should help up your calories; also she needs to have weight checks every week, but only once a week. Do not weigh her more than that, and do not weigh yourself more than that. It is harmful for someone to constantly be checking their weight." He said and we all gave him a weird look. "Mentally harmful." He explained and we nodded.
"Now I know you have been talking to Dean and Sam about once a week and keeping a journal, and you haven't done anything to hurt yourself lately is that correct?" She slowly nodded her head.
"Ok, well then, keep doing this, but the moment that we think it would be better for her to talk to someone else, if you shut down, or you see her starting to shut down, we need to get her with a professional to stop it before it gets out of hand." Dr. Morgan said looking between us all. "Ok, well your done. Whenever you all pass through I want to see her and see how it is going, and I need to at least see her once every 7 months to check how the seizure medication is working, any side effects you call me immediately, even if it seems small. The last thing I need is for her to get sick because her medicine is making her that way." We all nodded and Sam and I got cleared with a clean bill of health, he had suggested that Sam goes on some medicine for depression but he refused as of right now.
[Present]
Hearing all the things that she needed scared the crap out of me, this little girl who I practically raised was indeed made of glass. When she started to wake up I got her medicine ready for her. She had to take her seizure medication in the morning and her anti depressants with her sleeping pills at night. They don't want anything to cancel the other out.
"Good morning." She said while stretching and he smiled while bringing over her medicine. "Aww breakfast in bed, you shouldn't have." She said with a laugh that made me smile.
"Well take this, then a shower, then you have to drink that one drink and we have to do weigh in and we are talking today." I said listing off today's activities to her. When traveling we always had to take a day off once a week because we had a lot to do with her, and she is our number one priority.
She got up and ran to the bathroom while Sam walked back in with the breakfast.
"So what are the plans today."
"Well she has her session with me today and then we are doing all her checks later on, so if you want to go do some research, we are only a couple towns away from the case so if we can get some research out of the way we can just jump right into it." I suggested and Sam nodded.
About 20 minutes later the water turned off and Holland walked out about 15 minutes after that. She was wearing comfy clothing knowing today was going to be a day full of emotions like they always were and she typically had to take a nap at one point cause it is emotionally draining for her. I hate to make her do it, but ultimately it's for the best.
"Lets check your weight to start with." He said while he grabbed the scale from the bag. She gained a few pounds and we each gave her a high-five with a laugh.
"Drink up." She raised her nose at the drink. I thought she was just complaining before, but this shit really tasted like chalk.
"I got you French toast." Sam said to her shaking the box from the diner. She perked up at that.
"Oh thank god!" She said and she grabbed the plate and chowed down. Her appetite had been becoming better and I know she was not to pleased with her clothing getting tighter but we all knew it was for the better. I promised her when she hit the weight she was suppose to be at we would get her a bunch of new clothing. This cheered her up. Even if she was gaining it for health and even though she did not have an eating disorder, she was still human, and that is hard for anyone.
Once she was done with eating Sam packed up and left. Her and I set up the kitchen table. I had a notebook, and she just sat down, got comfortable and had a box of tissues and a bottle of water for her.
Dr. Morgan had sent me a list of questions to ask her every time. How was she feeling, did she feel safe, did she have any urge to hurt herself.
"Ok, now just talk, what do you want to talk about."
"Nothing." She said looking down at her hands and I knew that she wanted to talk about something she did not think I was ok with.
"Come on, what is it?" I asked prying.
"Really its ok." She said passing me her notebook so I could read it.
"No, you need to talk, or we can call the psychiatrist and get you an appointment today." I threaten, it was an empty threat, but I did not need her shutting down. She looked at me with big puppy dog eyes and sighed.
"Its dad." She whispered. I knew that she was having issues with him so I was interested in hearing what she needed to say.
"Ok, what about dad." She hesitated for a moment. "You can say anything, there is no judgment, and this is about you." I said pointing between us. She sat up a little bit. And then she exploded.
"Dad hates me, its obvious, who leaves their daughter alone. Why did he do that to me? Why does he hate me so much? I tried to be the best I could, but he brought out the worst in me. I can't stand thinking that everyday we are putting our lives in danger looking for him? Why cant we just be enough, why couldn't I be enough? Why wasn't I good enough? What did I do wrong?" She said breaking down into tears. This was the first time we talked about dad and I did not realize how damaged she was over this.
"You are always enough. I know you and dad did not get a long great but who cares, he was missing out. He is the one who is not good enough. And when we find him you can show him how strong you are, how strong you are without him." She nodded through her tears. Once I got her calmed down we talked and she took a nap while I read through her journal.
Journal Entry:
Today has been tough, realizing that I am sick and that I am someone who is always going to be needing to take medicines and be careful, knowing there is a chance I may never be able to drive, and knowing I may always being dependent on my brothers and family scares me. I have never felt like more of a burden. I had a nightmare last night that they all wanted me dead, and this scared me. I just want to be a kid, one who fights badass monsters, but I do not want to be sick.
I started to feel numb earlier this week, but then Dean said to me "Tomorrow will come sooner or later" and it was like all the numbness went away. He is here and he is my brother and my protector.
I am starting to get use to Sam, I can see in his eyes that he is sad sometimes that I need Dean to comfort me, or that I talk to Dean and not him. It makes me sad and I want to open up to him, but it's hard, its hard cause I don't know him anymore, but I want to get to know him again.
Well that's it. Dean I know you are reading this, you are doing great. Thank you for being my big brother.
I closed my eyes willing my tears back. It was always hard reading this but I loved her so much and was so happy she was letting me help her. With that I leaned over and kissed her forehead. We have a long way to go, but we will get there. In time, I hope.