Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, Gainax, and your life, Anno. Also, you should've stop trying to make Gendo as magnificent bastard as possible. I already cringed at the whole stupidity displayed by the whole cast in 3.33/Q just to make him looks so smart in comparison.
The terror's over.
With Anno has been trapped in the moon, the trio of Evangelion: Shinji, Rei, and Asuka were free to do anything they want to do. Shinji's free to listen to Metallica, Anthrax, Motorhead and all the others metalhead bands that has been forbode for him in favor of *gasp* Linkin Park, Chemical Romance and Limp Bizkit (no wonder he got so mopey. All according to Hideaki Anno's master plan). Asuka's free to petting some animals like dolphin or walrus (she's obviously got sick of solely petting at Pen2, which unlike his anime character, is only as intelligent as your average, well, Penguin and know nothing but to get drunk and barfed at anyone around him all the time), which has to be done secretly before to make her 'stay in character'. But as several people screaming "Heresy" and "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" at the sight of Asuka Soryu, the biggest bitch in the galaxy, petting cute animals all over the zoo, she began to wonder if Anno has more common sense than she given him for. And Rei...well, let's just say that she needs to learn that not every beach's a place for nudist (don't ask on how she she ended up on nudist's beach in the first place.)...although her accidents with public expose has been proved to be influental for therapy of people that has been exposed at Asuka's nicer side and delusioned themselves into thinking that they already experienced Third Impact and now, ironically, deluded themselves at the lake of LCL. The therapy is called 'the survivor of Asuka's Kindness'. The first base (45%) have been convinced that they still live in the world they know with Ayanami's lacks of social skill and all. But the rest of 55%...well, they thought that they've went to heaven instead at the wonderful sight that's Rei Ayanami's firm, squishy C+ cup (European measurement. Oh myyyyyy...) breasts. And now they're craving for some more, some of the doctors have been trying to convince Yui Ikari to return to her...AV business and release some of her more...shameless stuffs before the other therapy has been thought out (rumor said that the new therapy is based at the photo of Gendo and Fuyutsuki getting drunk and wearing nothing but a monokini). Needless to say, Shinji and Gendo are not, well, amused.
But of course, media need to know on what kind of bastard Anno is and rubbed it at the face of the Childrens more. Not out of sympathy, of course.
The trio were being interviewed by Planet Hollywood and Anime World, talking about their personal experience with Evangelion, how similar Anno is with Gendo Ikari (the winner of the bastard of the year for 10 years straight), and what they're going to do with their life after the show's done.
" So, Rei. Is it true that you're responsible for the new moe trend of...you know, blue haired girls that's aloof and being both cutie and inhuman at the same time?" Asked the representative of Anime World.
" Affirmative. And Shinji plus Asuka has been providing support for my cause."
" I see. So, Shinji-"
" Wait a minute." The Planet Hollywood reporter interferred the other reporter's next question. " So you know on how to create a new trend in entertainment world-"
" Actually, the blue haired moe are not just a new trend that we profited on. We created a lots of characters based on Rei's DNA for this purpose. She's the one with the idea." Shinji answered while pointed Rei at the last sentence.
" ...Alright. So, you're telling me that Rei know on the potential new trend of the animation world, and decided to capitalized on it with you two by created a cloning facility, and yet she doesn't even know about nudity taboo?"
" Yes. I'm a...slow learner regarding human's value of decency."
"...Whatever. So, mate, what do you want to ask regarding Shinji?"
" Well, it's about the End of Evangelion. You know, that some of the scenes has been considered as enigmas of anime. Famous and infamous enough to cause stirs and discussions for the next few decades. It's ending, the post-modernism stuffs... One of the scene that i want to ask is when you choked your...chicken, Shinji. What's actually made you agreed to do this?"
" Oh, no. Not this shit again..." Said Shinji, rested his face at the palm of both of his hands as the sight of shame.
" Allright. It's clear that you're not comfortable with the scene. Perhaps we need to change the topic-"
" No, no. It's fine. I need to explain some things to people about what's actually going on behind the scene. It's one thing to be called "The whiny cosmic plaything of Adam and Llilith". It's another thing to be called" The whiny cosmic plaything of Adam and Lilith that love to masturbate at comatose girls.".
" Allright. Please tell us."
" Well, it's begin in that day..."
" ANNO! YOU'RE FUCKED UP!"
The sight of Shinji Ikari, the most introverted guy in the cast of Evangelion, screaming at the face of Hideaki Anno, is both creepy and amusing at the same time. It's clear that once again, Hideaki Anno has upstaged Gendo and David Thanatos at being as bastard as possible.
" What's wrong, Shinji?" Asks Anno, unflinched at the rage of Shinji.
" What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG? You told me to... getting off in front of Asuka. Of course, there's something wrong here, ANNO!"
" Comatose. Asuka."
" That made it even more fucked up, Anno. You're telling me that i need to jerking off in front of comatose Asuka that accidentally cutted her wrist from the fake glass shards? And you thought that because she's in a coma, it's okay now?"
" Yes." Anno put it bluntly. " And don't feel sorry for Asuka. She should've known better when i put a real glass shards in her place to get her reactions."
Oh my god, said Shinji in his head. Oh my god. I'm filming an anime and movie with a worse lunatic than Klaus Kinski and Herzog combined, and i just figured it now!"
Needless to say, Shinji knew nothing but to put it bluntly.
" I quit." Said Shinji dryly.
" You can't do it, Shinji."
" Of course i can! I'm getting sick of your shenanigans around here! I'm a man, not a child!"
" No, Shinji. You really...can't."
Suddenly, Shinji felt dowsy, sleepy...and something else rising. He couldn't stay on his feet, and stumbled around aimlessly. He barely got a grip on a wall before he fell on a chair. Now, the creep, Anno approached him with a smug grin on his face.
" What. Have. You. Done?"
" Depressant. Sleeping Pills. Viagra."
" I know there's something wrong with that pancake..."
" Indeed. As Asuka does, you don't deserve a pity for being a gullible kid."
" You're fucked up, Anno. You're fucked up."
" Now, now, Shinji. Free up your mind. Get yourself together. And do what i tell you to do. Now... come with me."
"...That last line sounds dirty as hell."
" Don't tell me that the white... stuff is not just Shinji's, but also-"
" I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT!" Said Shinji and Asuka, on synch like what they did on the battle against Israfael. It's clear that this shit's too disgusting for even the cast of Evangelion.
" What's that white stuff?" Rei asked innocently.
" Oh...you don't want to know, Rei..."
" Basically, those are fluids that otakus...excretted at the climax of pleasing themselves on the fantasies about us, Rei." Asuka explained to Rei. She knew that her friend needs some teaching regarding humanity, even if the topics are... less than pleasant.
" Ah. I see. Can you show it to me again, Shinji?"
" WHAT?"
" Alright, that's enough about this jizz shit. Now, you have a question too, Paul?" Said the Anime World reporter to his fellow.
" Well, Max. I still want to know about the clones. Not the modified clones. The exact Rei clones. In fact, i want to know if Rei really has been planned since the beginning to be a literal angel that also got cloned and all and going to bring the destruction to the world."
" Well, Anno has been planned things for me, but i know that the cloning and the joining of Lilith is equal with being turned into Giant Naked Rei, as fans named it, were added as the show going. I knew about it, since i'm the one who inspired both of those."
" Well, it's hard to argue, since you're the main player in both twist."
" No. I meant, my experience has an influence in this."
"...Alright. Please tell us, Ms. Ayanami."
It was the elevator scene. The scene when Anno decided to stole some money for the episode and covered some of the necessary running time by having Rei and Asuka standing in the elevator for a minute or so. He got the money, and the scene's going to be overanalyzed for a century. It's a win-win situation.
" Allright. Rei, you know what you're going to do in this scene?"
" Standing on the elevator, talking about EVA's soul and being Gendo's puppet, and getting slapped by Asuka for all my problems?"
" Correct. And Asuka?"
" Basically acting like when i'm on my period and being jealous of Shinji?"
" Magnificent! Now, we're all ready!"
Now, the set's begin, and the scene's begin at the bathroom.
I'm going to do it. I've agreed to it. Mr. Anno has thought out about it well, and i'm not going to dissapoint him.
But there's one important detail that only Anno and Rei knew.
It's so dense. Every single image has so many things going on.
It's another futile attempt at 101 attempts in making Ayanami a real creep. Anno didn't realize that all he needs to do is filmed a sex scene between Rei and Gendo that ended up with Rei ate Gendo's Adam hand and started the Third Impact with...white, sticky stuff at the place of LCL. It's going to leave a thousand of mental scars for eternity.
All i need to do...
Asuka's now on the front of the elevator, just about to entered the elevator.
Is not blinking.
Now, the infamous elevator scene, is begin.
15 seconds in.
This's not bad at all.
30 seconds in.
Allright. My eyes are start to going itchy.
51 seconds in.
Need...to start...the conversation.
" If you don't open up your mind to her, your EVA will not move."
" Are you saying that my heart's closed?!"
Now, the scene has been played exactly like we all know, all we have to find out, is what's actually going on in Ayanami's head.
You're going to be allright, Rei.
***RA***
Mr. Anno has thought about it all.
***RA***
He's a genius with mind that beyond our imagination.
***RA***
But i wonder where's the stolen money now. And for what he stole the money.
***RA***
Also, there's something rising on Shinji's lower body on my apartment scene. I need to find out what's actually rising on those occasions.
***RA***
Hideaki Anno is love. Hideaki Anno is life.
***RA***
Allright. When will this's going to end?
***RA***
I'm going to faint...
* SLAP!*
Thanks, Asuka.
***RA***
Allright. Stay calm, Ayanami.
***RA***
All you need to do, is wait until the next stop.
***RA***
Easy, Rei. Easy.
***FTS***
Alright. It's stopped now.
***FTS***
The door's now open. Keep your composure, Ayanami.
" Great job, Rei! Now, you can read this next script and-"
" MY EYEEEEEEEESSS!"
The whole crew that surrounded Rei were shocked. Not at the sight of Rei screaming on the top of her lung. But at the sight of Rei broke sound barrier and running through the buildings, destroyed 9 buildings and caused 100 million dollars worth of property damage.
" Umm..Rei. The bathroom's over there."
" I don't think she can hear you now, Shigeru."
Indeed. Now, Rei's nowhere in sight, flying all over the world. She's only going faster, and at one point, she broke the barrier that separated animation world and entered the new void she just created.
It's going to be one helllll of a ride...
Meanwhile, in Warner Bros World.
" Brain, what are we going to do tonight?"
" The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!"
" AAAARGGHHHH!"
Rei has been slowed down considerably after she entered the void. But it's only about a minute before that she began to descend. And now, she just crashed herself on the ACME laboratorium where Pinky and Brain were held.
" Holy cow, Brain! What in actual world just happened?!"
" Easy now, Pinky. We need to check the body first."
" You mean, she's dead?"
" It's the highest possibility."
" But you can get an anvil dropped on your head and still alive!"
"...Huh. Allright. She's not dead."
Pinky and Brain then checked on Rei. Pinky was poking at Rei's head, before he saw two spiral in the place of her eyes, which then changed into her real eyes.
" Hmm. This's going to be complicated, Brain. I think she came from Japan, though, based on her uniform and her big eyes."
" Pinky...only Japanese cartoon characters that have eyes this big. The real Japanese's are smaller. Much smaller."
" Oh, okay. So, she's a Japanese cartoon or Anime character. What's she doing here?"
" We don't know, Pinky. But based from her pale skin, her unnerving beauty, being fell from the sky and all...i bet she's one of those angelic character in her world."
" Oh. So, she's going to be good, after all?"
" I don't think so. I have a bad feeling that in her world, everything's going worse for all bad reason. Look at her bloodshot eyes. I bet that she just cried herself for living in such a crappy condition."
"...Oh. Poor girl."
" And she's built to stop the madness...by destroying her world, so someone who controlled her can meld the world as he likes it."
" Oh. No."
" And now she's being trapped in this world, she has nothing to do but to continue the plan that has been set for her...in our world."
" OH NO! OUR WORLD'S DOOOOOMED!"
" But i have a plan for her, Pinky. I have a plan for her use, for our goal of world's domination, for our benefit. I'm gonna-"
" KILL HER NAOOOOOW!"
" No, no, Pinky! Put that rocket launcher down!"
Brain managed to calmed Pinky down. Lucky for us. Ayanami fans would not be amused at the knowledge that she got killed by two rats in the very first (un)official crossover of Evangelion and Animaniacs.
"...Sorry, Brain. I'm so sorry."
" It's okay, Pinky. It's okay. I know you're scared. I know."
After ten seconds or so, Brain released his hug on Pinky.
" Also, stop saying the D- and K-word. We already have enough parents to complain about our inappropriate contents."
" Oh, sorry, brain. I thought that Fox radar's barely care anymore now."
" It's only because Warner Brothers once shoved Bugs Bunny's carrots into their-"
" Can i be as smart as Warner Brothers, Brain?" Pinky interjected Brain. Maybe he's stupid, but even he knew when something need to be covered.
" I wish you were as smart as a tree stump, Pinky. That's how unlikely it is."
" Thanks for the wish, Brain."
"...You're welcome." Brain at this time was resisting the urge to do a facepalm.
" So...what's your plan for her?"
" I'm going to awaken her angelic traits..."
" So, you're saying that Rei got her eyes hurt from not blinking in the shot, then she ran at the speed of sound and destroyed 9 buildings, 50 cars, and two trains, and at the end, she became so fast that she ripped reality and get sucked into another dimension?"
" Yes, Mr. Anno."
" ...Well, fuck. I don't think that Superman and Flash shit's really worked in real life."
" Well, sir. What're we going to do now?"
"...We need to build a dimension traveller machine to pick her up. But how?"
Suddenly, a DeLorean appeared in the front of Anno's eyes. Luckily, his reflex that has been thought by Asuka's rage when he only ordered vegetarian pizzas has been worth it.
" Great scott! Where are we now?"
" It seems that we're on...Japan?"
" Of course! Look at the man in front of us. He has small eyes, right? Hey, Mr! No offense for your japanese heritage, by the way. What year it is?"
" Um, 2015?"
" See, Marty? We made it! We're going to check the future once more, just like what you always wanted! Oh, i can't wait to see your new company, your new family and all, Marty!"
" Well, let's check it first. I think something's off here. Where's hoverboard?"
" What's a hoverboard?"
" You know, a hovering skateboard."
" There's no such thing as hovering skateboard."
" ...You serious?"
" Yes, i'm positive."
" There should be some hoverboards in this year, Doc."
" Something's not right, Marty..."
" Um..what do you have here, anyway?"
" We have several giant cyborgs that pretending as robot and empowered by the soul of a dead mother."
" Um...okay."
" I don't understand, Marty. What's went wrong with our time travelling now? There's no major consequences made by us in our timeline before. Unless..."
The two then said those words in synch: " THE DIMENSION PICKER!"
Indeed. The thing's switched on. Set in random, nonetheless.
" What the hell? I've told you to check all things first, Marty!"
" I thought you haven't powered it yet!"
" Oh, man. Now where are we going to find Plutonium around here? The thing's not yet integrated with Mr. Fusion. It's still on the beta stage, and it will take few months before i managed to integrated them!"
" We're fucked, Doc."
A silence then struck them down. Until Hideaki Anno, the god of troll himself, spoke.
" Um, gentleman. I think we have solution about your plutonium problem."
" Really, sir?"
" Yes. Really. But we need your help to find one of my...friend that also stuck in the other dimension."
" Of course! As long as we can go back in time, we'll do anything for you! Right, Marty?"
" Yeah. We don't have any choice, anyway. What's your friend's descriptions, anyway."
" Female. Red, crimson eyes. Pale to the point of albinism, but she looks healthy. Blue hair. In her school uniform. At her 14-no, 18."
Again, the lame Dawson Casting joke. I don't know why i keep trying at this time.
" How does she looks? Cute? Ugly?"
" She's beautiful, but can be unnerving at times."
" Inhumanly beautiful." Mumbled Marty while caressing his jaw. "Sounds like we just hit a jackpot, Doc!"
" Great scott! You're not going to ditch Jennifer, aren't you?"
" No, Doc. But how long have we seen a looker, anyway?"
" Well, that's true, but-Wait. Do you know the destination for her, Mr..."
" Anno. And i'm afraid that i don't. We can only try and try."
" ...Shit."
" Oh my god, Brain! What have you done?!"
" Now...MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!"
In Warner Brothers's watertower...
" Guys! Guys! This's horrible!"
" What is it, Dot? Doctor Scratchansniff become a new doctor for AC Milan?"
" Fox radar finally decided to arrest us?"
" EWWW!" The damned radar is one of the scariest thing in 90s animation. Lucky for them, the kind Spidey guy decided to take most of the flaks for the rest of them. Poor dude couldn't even threw a punch without getting sued. God bless his soul.
" No! It's worse than that! Look!"
Dot pointed at the sky, which Wakko and Yakko use as a guidance to where they should take a look. And they saw giant Ayanami, still on her uniform and still looking human and all. Needless to say, the brothers were entranced by the beauty of her...gigantic proportions.
" Oh. My. God."
" I think i saw an angel...literally." Said Yakko in one of the many of his jokes.
" Are we dead yet, Yakko? It's too good to be true. We must be at heaven."
" No, Wakko...but this's all i need."
At this time, Rei take a look at the stunned Warner Brothers. Thought that they were scared of her, she then unleashed a very brightful smile to make sure that everything's going to be alright. So brightful, that the Warners melted into puddles.
" I'm melting, Wakko..."
" My. Oh my. What an angel...literally."
" Hey, you stole my joke!"
" Upsy. Sorry."
" Huh..boys."
Ignored Dot's snark, the Warner Brothers then returned into their default form to start their ritual at what they exclaimed as the sight of god's finest creation. First, they blowing off some steam from their head and jaw with their tongues rolling on the floor. And then, they howling like a wolf, and screamed their patented howl: "HELLOOOO NURSE!".
Hello Nurse suddenly shiverred. Needless to say, she always shiverred a lot...at least twenty times per day.
And then, Yakko's body stiffened out, head and all, with only one of his leg supported him. Then, one of his arm turned into some kind of pulley. The pulley then getting pulled by Wakko, which made his neck grew longer and longer.
Yeah. Real subtlety right there, WB.
Of course, Brain decided to be a dick at this pleasant time. He then pushed a button that made Rei become the abomination that is GNR...only with tiny legs like Lilith had.
With this unpleasant sight, Yakko's neck now retracted itself and getting softer until it returned to the original size.
" Aww...shucks."
" Guys, prepare yourself! We need to form the AGR!" Said Dot.
" Gasp! Don't tell me-"
" Yes. Anvils Gigantic Robot."
" I see. We don't have any other choice, Wakko. Forgive me for this, my new angel. Wakko! Release... the anvils!"
" Roger, Yakko!"
Asuka and Shinji can only dropped their jaw at Rei's totally believable story. And then, Max the reporter decided to interfere for a while.
" Ayanami, listen to me. Are those things you told to us...really happened? And are you saying that Pinky and the Brain are responsible for your full Lilith form?"
" Yes, Mr. Max. And i'm afraid that i also responsible for the cancellation of Animaniacs."
"...I uh, um...How did you...Look, the food's just arrived! Let's talk about this after we finished eating, shall we?"
" Yeah. We barely able to digest your story, Rei."
" Shall we eat while i continue my story?"
" NO!" The rest rejected Rei's offer synchly.
And with this, Ayanami's insanity is stopped for a while.