Author's Note: Again, I apologize for the gaps in between the updates but I'm writing as fast as I can! I'll try to keep it going but I can't make any promises. Oh and Just a warning for this chapter! It's rather mushy! It's a lot of what Sara is thinking…well how about you just read it lol. Ok so Enjoy and, as always, REVIEW!!!!

Chapter 36 – Granite Letters

Sara couldn't sleep that night. Her daughter snored a little beside her but that's not what kept her up. She stared at the ceiling and thought about the conversation they had had about an hour ago. Charlotte was so curious about her dad and it sickened Sara that whenever she wanted to talk about him, Sara couldn't do it. It was so hard for her and she was only thinking about her own loss when her daughter so much wanted to know about the one thing that she knew almost nothing about; her dad.

She was glad that she had agreed to take Charlotte to the cemetery. That, at least, was a step in the right direction. It was probably not what Charlotte thought it was going to be, but it would have to do. To see where her father was might be a little bit of a shock to her but that's not what was worrying Sara. It was her own reaction. She didn't know whether or not she would be able to hold it together. She had been to that cemetery once; right after the funeral when he was first buried. She didn't know how she would react.

Sara sighed and rolled onto her side, trying to get comfortable. Her eyes fell on Charlotte. She had Chester hugged to her face and her breath whistled as it came out her nose. She smiled and almost laughed. She was so cute when she slept.

Sara heard footsteps out in the hall. She lifted her head slightly and looked into the hallway. Charlotte's grandmother walked by, peeking into the room as she passed. Sara heard her sigh and saw her keep going. Sara's train of thought changed from Alex to his parents. Why had they asked her to come down? They barely wanted her to come over when Alex was alive and now they are in a completely different state and they are expected to visit?

When Alex had first introduced her to his parents, they were fine with her. They weren't overly friendly but they weren't as cold as she was used to them being. This was the first time she had acted like a grandmother should; kind and gentle with huge smiles and candy. She had always been like this to Charlotte, but never to Sara. Very suspicious. Sara knew she shouldn't be suspicious of them, but it was, after all, her job and she was trained to pick these things out. Whether this sixth sense should work on family members, Sara didn't know, but it was definatly kicking in now. Something was definatly wrong.

SnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickers

Sara straightened her coat in the hall mirror. Charlotte was upstairs grabbing Chester and Sara needed to collect herself away from Charlotte for a minute before she knew she was ready to do this. She closed her eyes and breathed slowly for a second. If she hadn't made that promise to God never to trust him again, she would be praying right now. She had made that promise when she was upset and angry, but it still held true. She hated Him for letting this happen. Even if some of her anger had subsided, she still wasn't ready to forgive him.

Sara heard Charlotte thump down the stairs and opened her eyes again. "Ready," she whispered to her reflection and turned to see her daughter jump the last step and run up beside her.

SnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickers

Charlotte talked and talked and talked in the car. Sara could tell she was really excited to "see" her father and Sara couldn't blame her. Sara felt guilty because she was only half listening to her daughter. Between driving to a place she had only been once and holding her thumping heart in her chest, her focus was already split.

Only having been there once, Sara found it ok. As soon as she eased the car through the wrought iron gates, she felt a curtain of sorrow wash upon her. She suspected Charlotte felt it too because she stopped talking right away.

"Is this where Daddy is?" she asked quietly after a minute or so.

Sara barely heard her as the car seemed to drive itself. She suspected she had been silent for a few seconds before she really registered what Charlotte was saying but she couldn't be sure. "Oh, yes. Yes, he is here," she stuttered.

She looked in the rearview mirror and saw Charlotte nod her head. She was silent for a moment, then, "What are all the rocks for?"

"Those are called tombstones. They…they mark where all the people are." Charlotte nodded again and Sara drove across the cemetery to the section Alex was in. She was surprised she remembered it. She parked the car and sat still a second while she heard Charlotte unbuckle her seatbelt. She laid a shaking hand on the door handle and opened it after the second try. She opened Charlotte's door, avoiding looking at the patch of grass her late husband lay under. She slammed the door and took Charlotte's hand, more for her own support then her daughter's.

"Which one is Daddy's?" Charlotte asked. There were about 30 stones and Sara had to think a moment before remembering where Alex's was. Then she remembered, third row, first across. She led Charlotte to the stone on shaky feet, thankful Charlotte didn't notice how nervous she was. Her eyes fell on Alex's tombstone and her breath caught in her throat. She stopped short and Charlotte took one more step before looking up at her mom.

"Which one?" she asked again.

Sara blinked and looked at Charlotte. She cleared her throat, hoping her voice would work. It did. "That one." She pointed and Charlotte looked at the large pink-granite stone with its polished surface and engraved letters.

Charlotte let go of Sara's hand and walked up closer to the stone. She tilted her head and bent down a little, looking at the letters more closely. Sara had started teaching her letters so she knew which ones were which, but she didn't know what they meant. She started spelling them out. "A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R-M-O-N-T-E-Z," she whispered, loud enough for Sara to hear. She looked at Sara.

"What does that mean?" she asked, a curious look on her face.

"A-Alexander Montez. That's Daddy's name," Sara explained.

"There's and Alexander in my class," Charlotte explained looking back to the granite letters. She looked at the passage underneath the name and dates. "What's that say?" She asked after looking through each letter individually.

Sara looked at it closely. She read through it once then smiled and reread it out loud for Charlotte. "Alex was a loving son, brother, husband, and father to be. We will miss him dearly and never forget his sprit and enthusiasm in whatever he did." Sara smiled again and looked at Charlotte. She was still looking at the stone with her eyebrows crossed.

"What's enthusiasm?" she asked.

"It means he was…excited when he did things."

"Oh." She looked up at Sara. "Daddy is enthusiasm?"

Sara smiled. "He was enthusiastic," she explained.

"Enthusiastic," Charlotte whispered more to herself then to Sara. Sara could see she was storing that away, deep in her brain, to use later.

Sara looked back at the tombstone and looked at it carefully. When she had last seen it six years ago, she had barely seen it through her tears and worry. She had wanted nothing more then to run away from there and never come back. Now, however, when she was here for only the second time ever, she felt like she was in his presence. She had thought that she would be too upset to stay, but now that's she was here, she was ok. She was almost happy to be here. She might just come here more often.

There was a bench about five feet away from Alex's grave and Sara went to sit on it. It was cold granite but she sat anyway. Charlotte stayed in front of the tombstone and sat down. She sat Chester in her lap and stared at the stone. She seemed to be in some kind of trance and Sara watched her instead of the stone. She wanted to say something but held back. She didn't want to stop the child's train of thought, whatever it might be. She wanted her to have her first moment with her father, however abnormal or weird it may seem to anyone else, it was perfect for Charlotte.

Sara averted her eyes from Charlotte and looked at the stone itself. She had been in the hospital when it was picked out so she hadn't had any say in it, but whoever had picked it had picked a good one. She shook her head. 'Why am I thinking about the stone?' she asked herself. Her eyes slid down to the base where it met the ground. The grass was dying but the color of the stone still looked good against it. As soon as he eyes fell on the grass her heart jumped in her throat. She was closer to her husband then she had been in six years and the thought spooked her a little. She felt a big weight drop on her chest as her brain purged the memories. She had blocked herself off. She had stopped any memory of him from coming up for so long. The only things she let herself remember was the things she had told Nick weeks ago, but now all the everyday memories came up so quickly that Sara almost lost her balance, even though she was sitting. Maybe she wasn't ok with this. She hung onto the arm rail for support as memories of his face came in waves of dizziness.

Alex at the bar.

Alex dancing.

Their first kiss.

Alex proposing.

Alex at their wedding.

Alex kissing her.

Her telling him she was pregnant.

Him with his parents.

Him picking out names.

"How about Charlotte?"

On the phone with Dylan.

Then the most painful one. Her last sight of him. He had turned right before he left the house that night and smiled at her. Smiled his killer smile with those blue eyes and straight, white teeth. She remembered every line and freckle on his face in that one moment that he had turned to look at her even though it was across the room. His last words to her. Love you! The words echoed in Sara's head. All the other rushes of memories stopped and those last words bounced off Sara's skull, taunting her.

Love you! Love you! Love you!

She stared at the tombstone as the words bounced around and around. He always made a point of telling her he loved her. He was one of those mushy guys who believed that a day without love was a day not worth living.

Love you! Love you! Love you!

Sara closed her eyes, but as soon as she did that his face popped up so she opened them again. Then she did something totally unexpected. She smiled. That last moment she had had with him was so perfect. Even though she wasn't born yet, they were spending time with their daughter. They were having an excellent time and the simplicity of those last minutes of laughing they had had together were so perfect.

Love you! Love you! Love you!

They had had fun. They were having a child. He had loved her so much as she had him. She still loved him. Then she thought about Nick. She loved him too. Sara frowned. That might be a problem. No it wouldn't. She did love Alex, and she always would, but who's to say she can't love Nick too? Who's to say she can't make a little room for him?

Love you! Love you! Love you!

Sara smiled again. 'I love you to,' she said to the echoing words.