Chapter 37 – Moving On

Charlotte watched to stone. She barely blinked. She barely breathed. It was hard to believe her daddy was there but she had to. Her mommy said so. She absent mindedly stroked Chester's ear as she watched a little bug crawl up the side of the rock. It fell into the grass so she looked back at the letters she didn't understand. She still couldn't read them but she remembered what her mother had said.

"Alex was a loving son, brother, husband, and father to be. We will miss him dearly and never forget his sprit and enthusiasm in whatever he did."

She didn't completely understand what that meant, but she knew she would when she was older.

Ever since her mom had told her that she didn't have a daddy anymore, she had wondered what it was like. Sometimes kids' daddies would came and pick them up from kindergarten and she would watch them. When she went over to her friend's houses, sometimes she would look and see what a daddy was like. She wondered if her daddy was like that or if hers was completely different. Now that she thought about it, she didn't think she had ever even seen a picture of her daddy. She made a mental note to ask her mom about it later, but right now she just wanted to stay here. This was as close as she could ever get to her father, and she didn't want to waste it. As she watched to stone many questions rose in her little head. She wanted them all answered, but she didn't want to move. Even though she knew it was silly she felt that if she moved, she would never have any kind of connection to her dad again.

She didn't move for a long time. The ground was cold but not frozen and she was starting to get chilly, but she didn't move. She read every letter on the stone over and over again, trying to read it, even though she couldn't. Eventually, after what seemed like hours, but no time at all, she turned to face her mom. She was watching to stone too, clutching the arm rail so tight her fingers were white. Charlotte had never seen that look on her face before, but it didn't scare her. She watched her mother a second then spoke, but it only came out in a whisper.

"Mommy?"

Sara snapped out of it. She looked around as if forgetting where she was the saw Charlotte and smiled. "Yes, pumpkin?"

"Why did Daddy leave?" That was her most sought out answer and had decided, after a few moments of consideration, to ask for it first.

Sara's mouth opened and no sound came out. She closed it again, thinking of what to say. Charlotte sat on the ground, suddenly feeling very small, waiting with more patience then she had ever had for an answer. Sara didn't answer for half a minute then whispered, "I…I don't know."

Charlotte looked at the ground and then the stone. She had been hoping for a different answer. "Well, didn't he tell you?"

Sara smiled and held out her hands, beckoning the small girl to her. Charlotte stood and walked over to the bench, climbing up into Sara's lap. She was warm and Charlotte rested her head on her chest. Whatever chance she got, Charlotte curled up like this to hear the thump-thump deep in her chest.

"Daddy didn't tell me he was going to leave," Sara whispered, Charlotte feeling the vibrations as she spoke.

"Why not?" Charlotte asked, not looking up.

Sara thought a moment. "I don't think he knew he was going to leave. I don't think he even wanted to."

That raised a few questions. "Why did he leave if he didn't want to?"

Sara thought again. Telling her about death was going to be one of the hardest things about mothering and she had no idea how to do it.

"Well," Sara started, "That's what happens when you die. It's…it's just your time to go. And you don't know when you will until just before it happens."

Charlotte nodded and listened as the thumping went on, harder now, under her cheek. "But, then, why didn't Daddy want to go?"

"Daddy wanted to stay here because he wanted to meet you. He died right before you were born and you know what, Char?"

Sara pulled Charlotte away and Charlotte looked up. "He wanted so badly to meet you. He was so excited to know that you were coming and he couldn't wait."

Charlotte smiled. "He wanted to meet me?"

"So badly," Sara said with a huge smile. "And he would have loved you. So much." That brought up an even bigger smile from the little girl.

"I think I would have loved him too," she said, resting her head on Sara's chest again, wrapping her arms around her this time. She listened to the thump-thump again then said, "I love you, too, Mommy."

SnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickersSnickers

When Sara and Charlotte got home, Sara asked if she could use their phone to call someone in Vegas. The trip to the cemetery had taken a lot out of her and she really needed to talk to Nick. Over the past few weeks she found that he was really good to talk to about anything. So she called him from the phone in the guest bedroom and her heart sunk a little more after every ring gone unanswered. Thankfully, on the sixth ring he picked up.

"Stokes," he said groggily. Sara had forgotten that this was when she was supposed to sleep too. She mentally kicked herself and answered him.

"Hey, Nick, I'm so sorry I woke you. I forgot you would probably be sleeping."

Sara could tell he was smiling. Just the thought of him smiling made her do it too. "That's alright. I can survive on little sleep. What's up?"

Sara sighed as she remembered why she had called. "I…I just needed to talk to someone." Now that she had him on the phone she almost felt stupid for waking him up to talk to her boyfriend about her husband.

Nick knew just as well as Sara did that when she called to just talk, she really needed to talk about something specific. "What's up?" he asked, more concerned this time. "What's wrong?"

"I…me and Charlotte went to…to see Alex today." Sara's voice got shakier and shakier as she spoke.

"You went to see him?"

"Charlotte wanted to and I couldn't say no 'cause she has never been there and I haven't even been there and she really wanted to and oh my God, Nick, she asked so many questions…I…I just…" Sara rushed through her sentence but didn't know how to finish it. She didn't want to cry but she felt her eyes dissolving and bit her lip, trying to hold them back.

"…slow down," Nick was saying, "You went to see Alex…Why?"

Sara took a deep breath and started again. "Charlotte and I talked last night. Her grandmother had told her about Alex's old teddy bear and so she was curious about him and…and I told her that we could go and see him so we did. And when we got there…she was so…happy to be there. And then she kept asking me these questions about why he had to leave and why he isn't coming back. Nick, I could barely answer these questions myself…how am I supposed to explain it to a 5-year-old?"

Sara heard him sigh over the phone. "Well, what did you tell her?"

Sara thought a moment back to their conversation. "That he left because he had to because it was his time and hat he couldn't come back and that he…that he loved her." Sara took a breath to calm herself.

"Sara, I'm sure she understands. She is smart and that makes sense…you don't have to worry about her. She's going to do just fine."

Sara knew he was right and closed her eyes. He could convince her of anything. She took another deep breath. "You're right. You're totally right. She's going to be fine," she said more to herself then to him.

"Yeah." Nick smiled to himself then another thought hit him. She wasn't just freaking out about Charlotte…there was something else on her mind. Should he ask her? He decided to after only a few seconds. "How about you?" he asked quietly.

Sara paused a second. "What about me?"

"How did you do? Were you ok going back there?" He sounded concerned and Sara bit her lip, remembering her memory upbringing.

"I thought it was going to be bad, but it wasn't," she only half lied. "It…I had to do it for Charlotte and I did. But…" She cut herself short and decided against saying it. But Nick caught it.

"But what?"

"I…" she tried to think of the best way to say it. She paused and thought, trying to focus on explaining what she felt. "Do you remember that night…New Years Eve…when I told you…all about him?"

Nick was silent a second, wondering where this was headed. "Yes," he said, curious.

"Well, that night was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to think about him. I promised myself that I would forget all I could about him and never tell anyone. And even then…that night…it was so fast that I didn't bring everything up. I only told you enough to explain…explain why I left that party." Sara took a breath, just in case Nick wanted to say anything. He was silent so she continued. "But, today…I haven't been there in six years. That's a long time. And everything…all my memories of Alex just…popped into my head. It was like a slideshow that went up until the night he left. The last time I saw him. Oh my God, Nick. It was so vivid. Everything about him…I remember it all and…his last words to me…do you know what they were?" She hadn't intended to question to be rhetorical but after a second she decided to make it that way, answering without and answer. "'Love you.' That's it." Sara stopped. She wasn't finished but she was out of breath. Nick didn't say anything either. She assumed he was uncomfortable talking about this but she had to anyway. "And, Nick…I think…I don't know what I think. It's like…I miss him…but I can live with that now. I couldn't before but now I can. I can move on with my life…I can go on. I can go on with you. I can do it." Sara smiled. She had said it all very quickly and right now she felt extremely tired. Nick was still silent so she said his name, trying to get him to say something.

"…Sara…" he said after a second. A small smile appeared on Sara's lips.

"…Sara…" he said again. "I…I don't know what to say."

Sara smiled wider. She knew she could get on with her life. She knew Alex would forgive her for going on with a new relationship with Nick. She knew she could get over this fear of betraying him. Given, she needed to go slowly, but she knew she could go it. It was ok with Sara that he was speechless. She only needed to hear one thing from him anyway.

"Just tell me you love me," she requested quietly.

There was a pause. He had said it before, but Sara got the same feeling she had when he had said it for the first time.

"I love you."

Author's Note: Ok. This is what I've been leading up to with this whole 'going to see Alex' thing. Hope you like it…please tell me through REVIEWS!!!