"So.. who is this Sammy?" asked me Linda... or was it Lisa?
This is the first time that someone had mentioned my little sister's name right after I've had sex with them. It threw me off like nothing else.
"How did you even know that name?" I questioned her.
I was trying not to show how uncomfortable I felt about the topic, talking about the person I love the most with a strange woman I couldn't care less about felt... wrong.
"You screamed her name when you came" she answered with an amused smirk. When her smirked grew I knew I was unable to hid surprise in time "You didn't even notice? Don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I am also using you to forget the man I love. He is dating my best friend".
"That sucks!" I commented.
"Tell me about it" she replied.
"Wait! Who even said anything about loving?!" I asked her, startled by her off handed comment.
Even though I am finally ready to admit that to myself, I wasn't prepared for anyone else to know about the feelings I have for my little sister.
"Anyone would have guessed that, especially by the way you screamed her name" she told me.
"What kind of way?" I asked fearfully of the answer.
"As if it was a prayer" she replied amused "As if she was a goddess for only you to worship" she looked at me but I could see that she was somewhere else "As if she was everything to you, the only thing that really mattered in this world".
"I can't live without her" I thought out loud without thinking, when I noticed what I had just said I wanted take it back but she had started talking again.
"Can't or won't?" I knew that there was no need for me to answer... but I did anyway.
"Both" the confidence I sensed in that simply word showed me that this... that my feelings for Sammy was the only thing I will ever be completely sure about in my entire life.
"Then what the hell are you still doing here?!" Linda (I think) exclaimed "Go get her tiger!".
"Things aren't that easy" I protested.
"That is crap and you know it!" I wanted to reply but her angry glare shut me up immediately. Women can be scary, I thought nervously "Is she married?" I shook my head "Is she underage?" I shook my head again. Sammy turned eighteen two weeks ago "Then you are just a coward".
"Hey! I am not a coward" I protested but closed my mouth when she glared at me again.
"Then tell Sammy how you feel. If she is half the girl worth that kind of adoration, then you won't lose her just because she doesn't feel the same for you. Is she a good girl?".
"The best, never doubt that" I answered her immediately, not losing a single beat.
"Then there is nothing you have to fear. Go" this time she ordered me in a softer tone... and this time I obeyed. I started collecting my clothes from the floor and putting them on. When the only thing missing was my phone, Candy spoke again "Think fast!" thanks to my hunter's reflects I caught my mobile easily "I put my number in there, tell me how things end. Capiche?".
"Capiche..." I looked into my phone and flashed one of my winning smiles "... Lisa".
Then I rushed out of the motel room and drove towards the house where Sammy and I were staying at. Dad had stayed all the time we were here out hunting, he was coming back in a week.
"Sammy!" I called out, as soon as I barged into the room, but no one answered "Sam?" this time I called out softer, when I received no answer again I began to get really worried "Sam!" I yelled, taking out my gun and running through every room of the house, searching for my sister. When I reached her room I found all her belongings packed as if she was ready to go at any minute "Sammy!" this time my voice was desperate.
I couldn't believe that she was trying to leave the same day that I decided to tell her how I feel. Just that thought broke my heart. However, when I finally calmed down and was able to think clearly I noticed that even though everything was packed Sam was nowhere to be seen. Then I noticed a letter on top of her mattress. I rapidly picked it up and tore it open, before I started to read it:
Dear Dean,
I am sorry for the heartbreak and suffering that I am surely giving you, and all the pain that will come when you discover what I will do... or surely already did.
I tried to make it stop, to not let it grow so much... but I couldn't. Then I decided to leave, college was the perfect excuse to go away and never tell you the truth. A truth that probably will make you loath me... or be disgusted by me. I don't know which one I hate more.
So when the I was accepted in Stanford with a scholarship, I was excited. But then I thought about how sad you will be and how you'll guilt yourself for it, making it all somehow your fault as the overprotective idiot you are. I thought about how I would have to live in a lie my entire life. I thought about how my future children will know that I couldn't love their dad. I thought about the repulsion in their eyes when they found out that we couldn't be a happy family because... because my heart belonged and will always belong to my older brother.
There's the truth De. I love you and not like sister should do, but like lover does. The reason why I always hated you going out and getting laid almost every night was because of jealousy. Yes, I meant all those times that I told you that you deserved more than that. But I mainly said it cause I wanted to believe I was that 'more'.
When you were so happy because I accepted that promise ring you gifted me when I was sixteen, I began to hope you meant it like that. Thinking that I meant something more than just a little sister. That you didn't just save money for half a year to buy me a golden ring, that symbolized my purity until marriage, because you were just being an overprotective brother. That you did it because you were jealous of the looks I had been getting, since my body began to mature.
Here's a secret De, I accepted making that promise to you and pastor Jim because I can't... won't see myself with another man that isn't you. Because I know that I can only belong to you, big brother. I love you so much, more than my life. That's why I think it is justice that I take my life away for this sin.
Please De, don't blame yourself I wouldn't want that. It isn't your fault Dean, it is mine for being sick. I have one last thing to ask you, big brother: burn this letter. The last thing I need is dad finding it and hating me more than he already does.
I love you jerk, I hope that you at least will remember me as your little and annoying sister and not as the sick person I was. Sorry for disappointing you, I know that you worked very hard raising me. You did a wonderful job, it isn't your fault that you are so perfect and impossible not to fall for.
I tried being better: Learning how to cook. So when we spent all the money that dad gave us, I could make something with the leftovers and we didn't have to starve or have you go out to work. When I saw that I was no good in fighting, I focused all my attention in learning Latin, Greek and Japanese from uncle Bobby so I could help doing the research of the hunts.
I made sure that all the hunts were about supernatural creatures that truly deserved to be stopped, so I wouldn't ruin the life of another person... like I ruined yours. Cause I believe that monsters are not the ones that have powers, but the ones that decide to do evil with it. Supernatural creatures can be more human than humans sometimes.
I tried to be a good girl... the good baby girl that you loved so much. Sorry for failing you De. I just... I just couldn't stop myself from loving you. I'll jump off the bridge into the river, in the forest behind the house. I thought that dying in water might purify my dark soul at least a bit, before being tossed into hell for my sin.
Once again, don't blame yourself.
Love,
Your Sammy.
"No" I whispered horrified "No, Sammy!" I ran out of the house praying for the first time in my life, praying to God that I'll not be late.
No, Sammy. How could I've failed her like this? What kind of brother I am not to have noticed her suffering in silence? I thought as I desperately rushed through the forest to save her. There is no time for self-destruction thoughts, Winchester. Save Sammy first, then beg for forgiveness. I scolded myself.
"Sammy!" I called out to her when I finally saw her. My broken heart shattered even more at the scene in front of me: she was standing at the edge of the bridge, ready to jump. No! I thought in complete anguish and ran even faster, if that was even possible, to then pull her away from the edge "Gotcha... I was in time... you are still here... Sammy... baby girl... love you..." I kept murmuring frantically as I cradled her against my chest and placed kissed all over her temple "Don't you dare to do something this stupid again!" I yelled at her once I finally was able to calm down.
"Why are you here?" she asked me confused "You should hate me... just let me be Dean. I want this. I want all this to just end. Please, De" she begged me as she tried to break free of my grip.
But I didn't let her. We struggled for a while, but I was stronger, at the end I was able to pin her beneath me. I straddled her, placing her waist between my knees, enabling her from kicking me. With my left hand I grabbed her hands and held them above her head, with the other one I caressed her cheek lovingly while I shushed her.
"Calm down, baby girl. I already read your letter, which is complete crap by the way" she flinched at my words and I cursed myself for being so blunt "Dad doesn't hate you, you are not a dead weight of the family, you are not sick, you are perfect just the way you are. Sammy, you are the most brilliant, gorgeous and kind hearted woman that I have ever met. You have the brightest soul in the entire planet and I... I love you too" she gasped, shocked at my confession, eyes widening. She stopped fighting me and melted into my touch. I released her hands and used my now free hand to cradle her face, as I placed kissed all over her face: cheeks, nose, forehead, chin and next of her lips "You were right, Sammy. I gifted you that promise ring out of jealousy and possessiveness. I wanted you to be only mine for as long as I could, even though I went with other women so I wouldn't jump you".
With my thumb I caressed her right cheek softly before taking my hands off her. She whimpered at the loss of touch, making me chuckle a bit. I raised her right hand and played a bit with the simple but beautiful golden ring I gifted her two years ago and she had been wearing so loyaly this long. Then I raised her hand to my mouth and kissed the promise ring, enjoying how ragged her breathing sounded at my gesture. Afterwards I took a velvet box out of my jacket's pocket and opened it, showing her an engagement ring.
"Is that..." she whispered astonished, not believing her eyes.
"This and a little picture, are the only things I have left from mom" I told her "This was her engagement ring, the same one grand-father Harry used to propose to our grandmother. I think it is suitable for me to follow the family tradition. Sammy... no, Samantha Winchester, you are my whole world and I love you more than life..." I smiled wider when her eyes widened in recognition, she noticed that I had just quoted her "... and there is nothing I would love more than having you like my wife. So what do you say? Would you turn me into the most happy man on earth?".
"What about dad? Or hunting? What about Stanford?" Sammy asked me in a mix of emotions: I could see how happy and excited she was, but she also felt confused and worried.
"Hunting is important to me, but not more than you. I would give it up without a second thought" I told her "Dad doesn't have to know about it. We can elope to Las Vegas and get married. Pastor Jim and Caleb would probably not approve either, but uncle Rufus already knows about my feelings and he still accepted me".
"Uncle Bobby knows about my feelings too, he still loves me like family as well" she added, making me beam in happiness. After all uncle Bobby is like a second father for me "But where would we stay? Who would accept us for work? We don't have any title to work in a job good enough to maintain us".
"You will not work!" I exclaimed angrily by the simple idea. I had always taken care of her, that won't change now "Do you remember that old man Gideon?" I asked her.
"If I remember him? You used to work for him as a mechanic for the whole year we stayed in Palo Alto. Why do you think I wanted to be accepted in Stanford from all colleges? We stayed the longest there, dad was out most of the time which meant no fighting. We used to stay in his house all the time. I cooked, made the laundry and cleaned the house. While you were helping him fix the house and repainting it. We even stayed in contact with him, calling him, texting him, sending him e-mails and postcards. He is like the grandfather we never had" she ranted frantically, hurt that I assumed that she had forgotten about him.
"Then you know that he will accept us and give us a place to stay until I've saved enough for a place for us" I explained to her "Do not worry about money. I have enough saved for us to have a nice Las Vegas wedding...".
"... and I for us to stay a week-end in a five stars hotel, rather than a motel" she interrupted an glared when I was about to protest.
Damn women and their scary glares! I though angrily, knowing that there was no point in discussing with Sam when she gets like this.
"Then we will go to Palo Alto and I will ask Gideon for my old job back. I will start saving for our own place while you are studying, and then when we have a house I will begin saving for our honeymoon" I enjoyed knowing that the watery smile of happiness on the face of the love of my life was because of me "Ok?".
"Yes" she murmured "Yes! I will marry you!" I dragged her up, put the engagement ring along the promise one and spun her around in joy "I will have to call Amy and Charlie" she started babbling once I let her go.
"Who?" I asked her confused. It was the first time I ever hear those two names.
"Charlie is a nice girl I met in Chicago. She stopped me during a break at school and asked me out on a date. When I told her I was straight she still insisted on going out but as friends. She is like the sister I've never had, so I still kept in contact with her" she explained me but I was still stuck in the 'she asked me out on a date' "She is also a genius with computers. I will call her and ask her to erase Samantha Winchester from the web completely and changed it into Samantha Singer, so we can get married legally".
"Sam, even though Las Vegas is at the other side of the country it is only a week travel" I tried to tell carefully her without exploding her bubble of happiness "There is no way that someone can erase eighteen years if existence in seven days".
"Of course she will not do it in a week!" Sammy exclaimed, calming me down. She isn't angry at me, I thought relived "She will do it in two days tops" my jaw dropped at her words. She can't be talking seriously "I am" she answered knowing exactly what I was thinking "Charlie is that good".
"If you say so" I replied "I will trust you" I leaned down and kissed her temple "I already know one of your secret friends, but who is the other one?" suddenly she tensed in my arms and my overprotective senses woke up "What is it Sammy?".
"Amy is... she is the daughter of the kitsune we killed a few years ago" it was my turn to stiffen, when she answered my worried question "She is a good kitsune Dean! She killed her mother to save me and is going to study forensic, so she can work in morgues and feed from the dead" she explained to me pleadingly, with her killer puppy eyes. But still my first instincts were to hunt down the monster that was so near my baby girl "She is also my friend and I can assure you that she never hurt anyone".
"Ok... ok! If you say so" I agreed after a staring competition, which I completely lost when she used her puppy eyes "But one wrong move and I'll kill her" I warned her.
"Thank you!" Sammy told me happily "And you Dean? Who are you inviting to our wedding?".
"Garth, he is a hunter like us and a good friend. He is a bit strange but he grows on him" I answered her "And Sunny, he is the guy that runs the home for problematic boys I was for two months, when I was sixteen" I told her, smiling at the memory of the good times I spent there but as I looked at Sammy I knew that I made the right decision in choosing her rather than that place "That is everyone".
"A house for problematic boys?" she questioned me "Why didn't I know about it?".
"It was dad's idea and he told me not to tell you anything" I answered her "But that is already in the past, you are my future... always has been" I leaned down to kiss her but she just turned away. Afraid that she had already changed of mind, I asked her "Sammy, what is wrong?".
"You reek of another woman Dean, what else do you think is wrong?" she accused me with an angry glare. One that made me look at the floor in shame for my actions "We will get back to the house and you will take a shower, while I am packing your things up. Then I will kiss you and we will hit the road towards Las Vegas. During the road I will invite everyone, call Charlie to ask her for the favor and organize everything for our wedding, so we will have a very nice evening but for a reasonable price. Ok?".
"Perfect... you are perfect" I told her and kissed her cheek, before dragging her towards the house.
I really wanted that kiss... and fast!