Chapter 55 – A Damn Good Explanation

Nick sighed again. He was right. "Ok," he said after fifteen seconds of contemplation.

"Great," Warrick said, giving Sara a thumbs up. She smiled so wide she nearly started crying again.

They said their goodbyes, Warrick telling Nick she would be at her house, and Sara gave Warrick a big hug. "Thank you," she whispered into his shoulder. He patted her back to comfort her.

Sara sped home, just in case Nick got there before she did. It was Catherine's turn to watch the girls and Lindsay had decided that she wanted to sleep over at Charlotte's house. Sara told Catherine she could go to work and sat down in the living room, waiting for Nick. He was there about ten minutes later. He let himself into the house and looked around.

Sara stood up and looked at him, wringing her hands.

Nick shut the door without taking his eyes off her. They just looked at each other for a while before Sara took a step toward him.

"Warrick said you had an explanation," Nick said. He didn't seem to be interested by the tone of his voice.

"Yes. Umm, it's very complicated and you have to know that he actually kissed me…not the other way around."

Nick raised an eyebrow. Interest. That was good. Or maybe it was disbelief…not so good.

"Apparently it's a damn good explanation, Sara." He was getting testy…not good.

Sara took a deep breath. This sucked more then anything she had ever done but she had to get it out.

"But you know, if you don't want to tell me…" Nick turned to leave.

"No, Nick!" Sara shouted. "I have an explanation!"

"Ya, but it seems like you don't even want to tell me! If it's not worth our relationship for you to tell me what happened then I am out of here!" He was fed up and didn't really mean to yell but it came out like that anyway.

Sara ran toward him. He had his hand on the door when she threw her body in front of it. "Will you just listen to me?!" she shouted back at him. "I am trying really hard here! This isn't the easiest thing I have ever done!"

"Oh and you think it's a walk in the park for me?! Walking in on my fiancé kissing another guy!? Just standing there making out with him?!" Nick turned around and walked into the living room.

"Yes, Nick! I understand that." Sara tried to collect herself. She didn't want this to end in a screaming battle. She was still pressed up against the door so she took a step forward. "Just shut up for a second and I will tell you."

Nick threw up his arms then rested them on his hips. "I'm waiting." Testy again.

"Do you remember that dream I had…a few weeks ago?"

She knew he remembered. He didn't acknowledge that he did but she knew he did.

"I haven't had that dream in ages. A long, long time."

Sara looked at him. He was looking at her so intently. For a moment she just got lost in his eyes. They were far apart and most of the lights were off but she could still see his eyes as if they were standing inches apart. She looked deep into them. She didn't want to tell this story. She didn't want to tell him this. She wanted to keep this to herself and never let him hear about her boyfriend. Well…ex-boyfriend.

"Sara."

Sara's hands flew to her face. She rubbed it and let out an exasperated huff. "I hate this story," she admitted with her hands muffling her words.

He still didn't say anything…he just looked at her.

"I really hate this story," she said quieter, looking at him through her fingers.

Nick just looked at her.

Sara sighed again. "Ok. You…you know how…when a traumatized victim sometimes has dreams about their…traumatizing experience?"

Nick did his silent nod thing where he barely moves his head to acknowledge that she had spoken.

"Well I'm sort of having those now. Except…I haven't been traumatized. Well actually that's not true. Nothing actually happened to me…but it was still pretty…freaky."

Sara knew she was rambling. She knew she was avoiding the point. She knew Nick didn't want to sit here all night and listen to her blab on about her sad life. She had to take a few breaths to avoid from rambling. But by the time she had composed herself she had lost her place.

"Ok…where was I?"

"Traumatized dreams," he said with the tiniest smile on his lips.

"Right. Well it's not me who was traumatized. It was someone I knew. Someone…I liked. Someone I was…"

"Dating."

"Yes, dating. He was a cop. I thought it was cool that he was a cop. He was all macho and everything and I was young and stupid."

"This was before Alex?"

"Yes. At the beginning of college. He was a cop. He was cool. Me…not so much. Anyway…we…he…" Sara looked down again. How do you tell someone your boyfriend got hit by a truck?

She took a deep breath.

"Sara."

"Right. We were…wild. We went all over the place and had tones of fun…and then one time we were going out and he…he went to get the car and…and…"

Sara was silent a minute. "What happened?" Nick asked slowly.

Sara closed her eyes. "He got hit by a truck." To her great surprise she still wasn't crying.

"Hit by a truck?"

"Hit by a truck. I was standing right behind him when he went across the street. The bastered was drunk and he just…hit him."

Nick's mouth was open a little. "And you've been having dreams…"

"Yeah. About the truck…and the hospital…"

Nick nodded. He was still staring at her. This kind of unnerved her a little bit. He was silent and Sara wished he would say something. She was about to try and break the silence when he spoke up.

"How long were you dating?" he asked after a while.

"Oh, not that long….about six months maybe. But I was just into college when it happened…it freaked me out."

"That doesn't really explain much," he stated after another minute.

"Let me finish," Sara snapped. "He survived and was conscious for about a day. Then he slipped into a coma. The doctors said he could come out one day but it was unlikely. He was in the hospital until about two weeks ago."

"Wow," Nick said after a second of thinking that over.

"Yeah."

This was getting sufficiently awkward and they both could feel it. "Anyway," she tried to break this awkward silence. "A few weeks ago they tried this experimental surgery on his brain, the part that suffered the most damage. He woke up and tracked me down. I had just seen him for the first time in eleven years two hours ago." Sara took a few steps toward Nick. She could see he understood. She didn't know if he was willing to forgive her but she could tell he was starting to understand. That was a good sign.

"He was telling me…about what had happened and…and he kissed me. I was so surprised…it was so unexpected…but I stopped it." She kept walking toward him. She had closed the distance between them to about three feet. "I couldn't do that to you. And Trevor…he didn't know I was engaged to you. He wouldn't have done it if he had known."

"Why didn't you tell him?" Nick whispered.

"I had only been talking to him a few minutes. I didn't get the chance. But he knows now." Sara put her hand on his arm. He closed his eyes. It looked like when she touched him it hurt him.

"Nick…" Her bottom lip started to tremble. "Nick…I…I'm so sorry." She put her other hand on his chest. "I didn't want it to happen…and when you…when I saw you run it…it ripped my heart out."

Sara could see Nick's tears start to come down. He still wasn't looking at her. This just made her cry harder.

"I…I c-can't imag-gine a life without you." Sara took another step toward him, closing the distance between them. Her voice was rising in pitch and Nick still wasn't moving. "I c-can't live with myself know-knowing you're m-mad at me like this." She grabbed his shirt and looked at her hands. "I can't j-just let you go…I love you too much for that." She reached up and kissed his cheek. "I can't do it," she whispered. She kissed his cheek again then his nose. She paused a second then pulled back.

"S-say something," she whispered.

"Where is he now?" he asked quietly.

Sara shook her head. "I don't know. I think he went back home."

He just stood there. Sara kissed his cheek again, slowly and softly. "I'm sorry," she whispered again and again. "I don't want to hurt you."

Nick looked at her. She couldn't read him. She knew he could read her like a book and she felt like she was standing naked in front of him but she couldn't tell what he was thinking. "You already did," he whispered.

"I know…I know and I promise you…Nick, with all my heart I can tell you I won't do it again." She rested her head on his shoulder. She was exhausted and she didn't know how much longer she could go with him furious at her like this. This was draining her more then a marathon would.

"Can you ever forgive me for this?" she asked after a minute of crying silently into his shoulder.

Nick pulled her off his shoulder and held her a foot away from his face. "How could I ever let you go?" he asked with the smallest of smiles coming through his tears.