Gail grabbed the smoothies from the cup holder and closed the car door, taking a glance at the car-seat that had been locked in its place in the back seat for almost a week. The sight made her more and more excited everyday, as she chose not to let herself get too scared, because it was a reminder of just how real she was about to be a mother. It was a sign of her new life, a better life, one where she could be learn to be happy and do good without a second glance.
It was better she thought. Better because she didn't have to go through the hard aches of everyone's jokes, all eyes on her for being human, wouldn't have to go through her actual face, heart, being looked at twice. So in a way waking up to this life was a gift, was the only way she could think that any of it could really happen. It was all too good to have been built by her hands.
Gail walked into the house with a big smile on her face, "I got us smoothies on the way home, I think I got yours right this time."
They were the same ones Holly had brought Gail at the hospital, the ones from her, now proven, favourite restaurant. Gail had taken her there for a date of sorts. Well she wanted it to be date, and thought that her telling Holly to dress up would be enough for the brunette to get the memo, but she was still wasn't certain if had been one or not. It didn't matter though, she'd gotten to take Holly out and made her feel special, plus she got a kiss at the end. So really that night had been a win. Every night with Holly was a win.
"Doctor Stewart." She called out again after no reply. Gail set the drinks on the little table by the door, where she also set her keys, and began to untie her boots. The was still no noise once she finished with her boots and coat, and if she was being honest she was a little nervous.
Gail traipsed into the kitchen first, Holly would normally already be working on a dinner she'd try to finish for the brunette -rest was very important and Gail was a stickler about it-, but there was not a pot out of place. "Hol?" She checked the living room next.
Gail stopped in her tracks.
There on the lounge chair was Holly, feet up and back down as far as it'd allow, a book laid on her swollen stomach. Her heart jumped with adoration. Holly had fallen asleep, glasses askew and hair a mess, she was beautiful. And as Gail looked on, watched as her chest slowly raised and fell, up and down, she noticed something that made her giggle. Holly still had her boots on.
She quietly and gently took the book and placed it on the end table, then with the same touch she took off the boots she'd done up that morning. Apparently neither thought of getting them off when Holly got home without Gail. That was a recent development, the shoes, Holly had to switch from the ones she had been wearing to boot because it was getting cold and her maternity shoes weren't cutting it anymore. Gail carefully laid a blanket over the sleeping woman and then set out to make dinner.
Or maybe she'd order in, Gail wasn't the best cook, hadn't had much practice. And waking Holly with crap food or per fire alarm didn't seem very appealing.
While she waited for the food, and didn't have Holly to worry about, she found herself in the nursery. It wasn't often Gail had alone time, she was always at work or with her wife, so when she did she liked keep busy. Keeping busy was how she dealt, how she kept from doing stupid things like running away. And in doing so she found that it actually helped her think, to keep her head on straight.
There were few things left to do, once the paint had dried and aired out quite a few people came by to help build and set up. Gail gazed at each piece of the room. The changing table Chris had done, the dresser Dov and Traci did, the shelf and rocking chair Oliver did, the decorating her wife and Chloe worked on. She looked at the love that had gone into the making of her child's room, she could feel it in every colour, every function, every nail and screw. But there was one important piece, one part missing, something she didn't let anyone touch. There was a big space, empty, where it would sit.
Gail ran her hand over the box and set the toolbox down with a heavy sigh and hard eyes. The crib. It wasn't something she had ever saw herself needing to do, to buy, she'd been told all her life that it'd be taken care of. She'd been joked to about how hard it would be to find furniture that would match the crib her father had built, it was old, used for generations. Gail's father prided himself on the old wooden thing, refurbished it three times already and planned to do so again for his grandchildren. Or so he used to.
She closed the door to the baby's room and turned on the speakers atop the unused dresser, with a long pull from her beer she began her work.
"What are you working on?" Gail peaked around the corner of her fathers shed.
Bill stopped what he was doing to look at the little girl, a smile slowly growing on his face. He blew the dust off a piece of wood in his hands and showed it to his daughter. "See this?"
Gail nodded.
"This is the crib you slept in as a baby, the same one Steve did, and me before that." Gail's eyes grew wide in bewilderment, surely her father couldn't have ever fit in something so tiny. "One day it's going to be yours, when you have a little one of your own."
Gail probably used more force than necessary when hammering, more strength than needed, but she didn't care as long as it didn't break. Even if it did she couldn't find it in her to care. She'd let herself have one thing, one hope her parents gave her, she let them give her a dream and for that she hated herself. And them.
"What if Steve has a baby first, would he get it?" Gail questioned.
"Of course, every Peck you know have slept in it." Bill answered and continued to drive.
Gail pulled a face. That was weird, every Peck? That was a lot of people, it was a wonder it didn't break, maybe that was why her dad did all of the work he did to it.
"But what if I then had a baby, is mine supposed to sleep on the floor or something?" There was a bite to it, she didn't find it fair, her brother got everything and she got scraps.
Bill chuckled and shook his head, in amusement or in answer Gail couldn't tell. All she knew was that Steve was sticking his tongue at her and she was ready to pull it out of his face.
"No, Gail. We would figure it out, no grandchild of mine is sleeping on the floor, besides the crib is not meant for a baby older than a year. Only the best will do for the Pecks, your mother and I will make sure of that."
"Best my ass." Gail growled, venom dripped from each word. She meant to get her mind off of things, numbly think for awhile, finish her child's room. But no, her parents, her father and that damn promise crept into her thoughts and piss her off.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and finished off her third beer.
"Guess what I found in the attic while grabbing the Christmas decorations." Bill filled the tense silence around the dinning table.
"What's that?" Steve played along, knowing full well if he let his sister that it would just lead to more venom than another dinner needed.
"The crib, pour thing is getting dusty up there, I might have to take it down come spring and repaint it." He announced with a pointed look to his children. Gail rolled her eyes with the anticipation of where the conversation was headed.
"It really should be pulled down for more than a repaint, it should be put into good use. You both are more than old enough, getting a little up there don't you think?" Elaine added before glancing directly at Gail and taking a sip of her wine.
Gail set her own glass down and held Elaine's eyes. "Great idea mother, I heard Steve is thinking about getting a dog."
The music quieted for a moment, signalling a text, but she couldn't be bothered. Whoever it was could wait. Instead Gail threw cusses at the loose screws and wood that was slowly, angrily becoming a crib. It was half done and she was nowhere near finished hitting it.
"One thing. I let you promise me one thing." Gail growled. "I should have known it'd never have been mine, nothing ever is, everything and everyone leaves. Always." She stopped to take a swig of the dark liquid. She'd switched from beer to bourbon at some point, needing something harder to help the racing memories, the high emotions. She had to keep it together, for Holly.
"Can't count on anyone." Gail slammed the bottle back on the floor, shaking her head to emphasize the notion. "Nope. Jen left, Nick left, mom and dad, even Steve." She choked the last one, not even noticing the tears. "Steve."
"Sweetie." A soft, sweet, voice called from the door behind her. It could only be one person, one amazing, smart, weird, funny, undeniably beautiful person. Her wife.
Gail wiped her nose with the back of her hand and blinked away the tears. "I'm sorry if I woke you."
"You didn't, our food did." She could hear Holly approaching, closer and closer to the mess, her mess.
"I'm sorry, I must have missed the text. Why don't you go grab a plate and I'll be down in a minute."
Holly's hand was in her hair a second later, pulling her from her haze and guiding her back to the light, Holly soothingly ran her fingers through the blonde locks. "Talk to me."
Gail closed her eyes. She wanted to, she was tired of holding it all in and Holly was the only one she wanted to talk to, but she couldn't put that burden on the brunette. Holly already had her hands full with being pregnant, tying all loose ends at work, and dealing with tiptoeing around Gail all the time -not being able to fully relax and just have her wife.
"I'm fine. Emotional over baby stuff, y'know?" Gail tried to be as casual as possible, shrug it off as her being silly.
"Gail." If she had been looking she was sure Holly was giving her a head tilt. Holly's head tilt was the equivalent of puppy eyes, though could be used in more situations such as that one.
"Really, Hol, I'm good. Just a little maternity in my eye."
"I let it go last time, even when I knew you were lying, I'm not doing it again. I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Holly determinedly stated and started to sit down.
Gail quickly stood and stopped her from getting on the floor, it was hard enough for her to get off the couch. She grabbed both of Holly's arms firmly, "stop. Please just." Gail huffed a groan with the loss for words.
"Just what? Just let you worry about yourself, let you come up here and cry by yourself, leave you alone." Holly was angry now, her jaw set, but her eyes still held nothing but concern. Gail swallowed hard and looked to her hands. Holly stepped in closer to her wife, her baby bump almost brushing up against Gail's stomach. "Because I can't do that, I can't just stand by and watch you cry, hurt, feel alone. I won't."
"It's not like I haven't been my whole life. It's better this way." The bite was save from her tone, gone when the brunette raised her voice and met her gaze.
"No it hasn't, not in years. I understand that you don't remember, that it's not natural anymore, but you have to understand that it's not just you anymore, Gail. That's not how this works, it's you and me, always. I can't shut you out and you can't shut me out." She gradually lowered to below normal speaking volume, going from angered frustration to desperate.
Gail smoothed her hands down Holly's arms to stop and hold her hands instead. She took a moment to digest everything. Then she feebly nodded, "okay."
"Okay." Holly sighed with relief and squeezed the blondes hands.
Gail noticed Holly shift from foot to foot, a sure fire tell that her feet had started to bother her and she needed to get off them. She smiled lightly to herself and kissed one of her wife's knuckles. "Let's go eat before it gets cold."
"You still haven't told me what's up." Holly stubbornly kept her place when the blonde tugged her toward the door.
"I'll give you the sob story while we eat."
"Do you miss me, like, your wife?" Gail wondered into the night, the question, the worry had been on her mind since she was first told, and lying there with Holly using the same pillow was the first time she'd been brave enough to ask. Holly tightened her grip on Gail's shoulder.
"You're right here, Honey." She nuzzled her nose behind the blondes ear.
"We both know that's not true. Do you miss the me I was supposed to wake up as?"
"Not really, I've got you so it's not very different. You're still you." Holly drew circles into the pale skin of Gail's collarbone, ending her sentence with a soft kiss to her neck.
"Common, there's got to be something. Like not being able to reminisce, no inside jokes, you have to climb the walls and coax me out of the tree again, familiar touch, we are so awkward in whatever our relationship is even I cringe sometimes." As Gail listed off the things she had thought of, the baby wiggled about, always moving about when Holly laid down. She rubbed her hand over the baby, hoping to calm them so the brunette could fall asleep.
Holly chuckled. "It is weird isn't it?"
"Just a little." Gail grinned.
"As nice as those things are, I'm okay without them, rebuilding. There's no sense in morning someone in holding. Besides you've always been a pain in the ass and that's never going to change." Holly teased. "This gives a whole new meaning to something I said to you a long time ago."
"And what was that?"
"That you're not exactly a fairytale." She smiled at the memory. The adorable blonde just after a meltdown, hair a complete mess, starring up at her with the most trust and adoration Holly had ever felt. The kiss just after was nice too. "And still beautiful."
Gail's cheeks grew warm. "That line worked?" She mocked the brunette.
"Judging by the kiss I got afterwards, I'd say yes." Holly boasted. Her every breath ghosted on Gail's neck, drastically changing it from hot to cold and back again, slowly building a shiver to run through every bone in her body.
Gail hummed with mock disbelief. She settled further into the bed, rested her head against Holly's, and closed her eyes. She let the warmth, the love, of the woman next to her surround her, let the feeling envelope her every sense. Gail felt content for the first time in her life, truly, happily, content.
"Goodnight, nerd." She gave one last tease before going to sleep.