I stuck my nose out the door and into the stuffy outside air. I could feel the humidity in my mane as I stepped out the door of my shop and onto the pier. My hoofsteps echoed hollowly across the murky swamp water. Something deep in the trees stirred, and I stopped to stare across the water into the dark foliage.
Celestia, everything wants a piece of me, I thought and rolled my eyes as I continued down the pier toward the center of town.
It became decidedly less dark the closer to the town center I got, and when I turned onto the Orange Pier – named this because of the orange lanterns lighting it – it almost felt like the town owned up to its name. Sunny Valley. I hadn't seen the sun since before I had moved to the town, and I felt myself failing to conjure up an image of that bright orb in the sky.
"I have to get out of here soon," I said under my breath, stepping around a clump of vines that had fallen from the tree canopy. "I almost have enough bits to." A filly walking by me looked up at me. I grinned down at her, and she immediately turned the other direction and trotted away. My beauty was clearly not meant for everypony's eyes. Those who couldn't appreciate me didn't deserve to even look at me anyway.
After another row of residences, the Mother Tree came into view. A large crowd of ponies was gathered on the circular pier around it. Everypony from town is here, I thought. The meeting couldn't possibly start without me, so I kept my leisurely pace to the town's center. As the undertaker, I was one of the most important ponies in town. It was just pure dumb luck that the previous undertaker croaked a day before I arrived. If I had been any later, the townsponies would have been doomed! What would they have done without an undertaker?
I stopped to stare at a window planter in somepony's home tree. The flowers were wilted and dying, but somepony had painted over their petals to make them look alive. Clearly the ponies of Not-Sunny, Not-A-Valley would not have survived without me. Too bad I would be leaving. Maybe if I gave a two weeks' notice, they would let me train somepony else for the job, or maybe I would just leave and they would be stuck putting decaying bodies into the swamp.
I continued walking and arrived at the gathering a minute or two later. Just as I had predicted, the meeting had yet to begin. I was a key player in the meeting. The townsponies were murmuring amongst themselves, but they began to grow quiet as I shoved past them.
"BB, thank goodness!" Spelling Bee, the mayor of town, said as I emerged from the crowd. "I was worried you'd never show up!"
"Spelling Bee, Spelling Bee," I said, shaking my head. The mayor flinched at each utterance at her name; evidently, she had yet to get used to my renaming of her. Spelling Bee was so much more fitting than Honey Splash. What the fuck kind of name was that? "You know you needn't worry about me not showing up. I am fashionable and reliable."
Spelling Bee rolled her great, honey-colored eyes. Several ponies in the crowd sighed. I'm too fucking good for you backwoods assholes. Not a single one of them deserved to be in my presence. I would be leaving soon enough, though, away from Equestria and the damned "Sunny Valley" ponies. I tossed my head and came to stand beside her, facing the crowd.
Spelling Bee's horn glowed orange with a speech amplifying spell and she said, "Ponies of Sunny Valley, as many of you know a recent accident has taken the life of Firefly. This was entirely unforeseen, and we mourn his loss. We are going to go to extra lengths to ensure that everything on the construction zone is up to code and safe for our workers."
A pony in the crowd was crying loudly. Spelling Bee continued, "Firefly's visitation will be tomorrow at noon, and his funeral will follow afterward, fully paid for by BB's shop and the town." A stack of papers appeared before her with a loud pop, and she held them there with her telekinesis. A few ponies in the crowd started murmuring while she shuffled through them.
This isn't part of the meeting, I thought, glancing over my glasses at Spelling Bee. She found the page she was looking for and cleared her throat. The talking ponies shut up.
"On a good note, one of the townsponies has come of age and is ready to be assigned a position," Spelling Bee said. "She is a very quiet pony, but I know she'll be an excellent addition to Sunny Valley's workforce! Porcelain Sunshine, please come forward!"
The pony crowd parted, and a short, plump white earth pony mare walked to Spelling Bee. Her mane was[i] gigantic[/i], but even with her mane, she was only barely taller than my shoulder. She didn't smile when she looked at Spelling Bee; instead, she had a dead look in her brown eyes. Maybe she was anxious. Maybe she just didn't care. Maybe she was realizing how utterly fucked she was to live in Sunny Valley.
"You will be mentored by, uhm," Spelling Bee paused, then coughed. Porcelain Sunshine didn't bat an eyelash. "You'll be working under, uh, Brokenbones." She flinched when she said my name, like it was the most vulgar thing a pony could say. The townsponies politely stomped against the pier, sending a tuneless melody across the swamp.
Porcelain Sunshine turned her hollow gaze to me. I felt my heart leap in my chest, into my throat, and a giant smile spreading across my face. In an instant, I jumped forward and enveloped the smaller pony into an awkward kind-of-a-hug and hopped up and down on my hooves. My own apprentice! One that I could pass all my knowledge to! It was better than foals, certainly. Porcelain Sunshine was smart, young, and… had a terrible name.
I stopped, then squinted my eyes at her. She had on a heart necklace, purple legwarmers and a matching purple bow on her messy tail.
Legwarmers? That didn't seem quite right. She still looked at me with those dead eyes even when I shoved her mane to the side to see her flank. Her butt tattoo was a ragdoll. Interesting.
"Ragdoll." I said, then nodded. "You're Ragdoll. It's wonderful to meet you! I cannot wait to teach you all the undertaking ways! Oh my Celestia, oh, Ragdoll! We're going to have so much fun, me and you!"
She didn't say anything. I messed up her mane with my hoof, and she tossed it back into place. Spelling Bee coughed, and I returned to my position beside her. Surprisingly, Ragdoll trotted up next to me.
Perfect. She didn't say anything, she didn't run away from me, she was perfect. Truly a pony meant to look upon me and learn. Spelling Bee had done well. A grin was still plastered on my face, and my insides felt light, almost like somepony had pumped me full of helium.
An apprentice! A great apprentice! Smart, quiet, excellent Ragdoll!
Damn. I loved her already.
"That concludes our meeting today." Spelling Bee said. "Firefly's family, please meet me in the town hall." Spelling Bee's horn stopped glowing for a fraction of a second as she ended her amplification spell, but she caught her papers in her telekinetic spell before they could hit the ground.
The ponies on the pier dispersed, with the exception of a young red pegasus and an older, much older gray earth pony. I reached out and poked Ragdoll with a hoof. Still unresponsive.
"Shh, Ragdoll, it's okay! I'm the best mentor in Equestria." Please Celestia, don't let her be mute. I needed to talk to her to do things. Or maybe I didn't. If she was mute, it probably wouldn't be impossible to teach her, but what if she had questions? Could she write?
We would figure it out. As the best damn mentor in Equestria, there would be no fucking this up! I squirmed happily and squatted down enough to put my chin on her mane. It was coarse and stiff. She had to use manespray to get it as big as it was.
"BB," Spelling Bee said. I stood upright and looked at her. "I'll need you and Porcelain Sunshine to be waiting for me here in an hour or so to go –" she paused, leaned in, and whispered, "—retrieve the body." She looked over at Firefly's family, who were entering Mother Tree through a door a few paces behind us, then spoke up again, "Until then, help Porcelain with her things and show her to your shop." She turned to Ragdoll and said, "Welcome to the workforce."
"We'll be here," I said, then turned to Ragdoll. "Hey, do you have anything you want to bring with you?"
"Yes," She said. Her voice was hollow, just like her eyes, but surprisingly high-pitched. I leaned forward, anticipating more, but the blank face and eyes signaled that she was done talking.
"Alright, well?" I said, then frowned, then smiled and leaned in again. "Let's go get it, huh? Lead the way!"
Ragdoll nodded and began walking toward Red Pier. I trotted after her, my insides swelling with joy with every hoofstep. My face ached from how I was grinning. An apprentice. Perhaps the ponies of Not-Sunny, Not-a-Valley weren't quite so terrible. Too bad I was leaving anyway; of course, only after I trained Ragdoll. The zebras and ponies would just have to slow down their war progress in the meantime.
The trees and shacks were getting scarcer the farther down Red Pier we went, and eventually the lanterns stopped lighting the pier all together. Ragdoll continued trotting down the way, though, and I had no choice but to follow. Eventually, the pier turned into a dirt path on an island a ways from Mother Tree. I paused a moment to look behind me, and I could only see the dim glow of lanterns past the twisted silhouettes of trees. I ran to catch up with Ragdoll's hoofsteps.
"Yeesh, you live all the way out here?" I asked. It was incredibly dark, and I heard sloshing up ahead. I ended up hoof-deep in a puddle of goo, and was quick to slog out of it.
"Yes," Ragdoll said.
She wasn't very talkative.
The house soon came into view. Ragdoll lived in a rather large, twisted and incredibly gnarled tree in the middle of the muddy island. A few ramshackle structures were built around it. It might have once been a farm, but anypony who tried to grow crops in the shadowy heart of the Everfree was doomed to fail. A few lanterns were hung on metal poles, emanating a strange green-blue light. Animals shuffled in the shadows of the forest around us. Nothing I couldn't handle, but I trotted closer to Ragdoll just in case they were her animals. I didn't want to kill anything that was hers.
We reached the front door with nothing attacking us, and Ragdoll opened it by pulling on a string with her mouth. So that's how earth ponies do it! I followed her inside, and immediately stopped in my tracks.
Her house was like a castle. Expensive rugs, tapestries and curtains were at every turn. The blonde walls of her tree had carved and painted art on them, and the foyer was lit dimly by a giant, golden chandelier. There were no windows, but the house didn't need them.
"Holy shit," I said. Ragdoll trotted past the grandiose décor without a second glance. I wondered for a moment if it was appropriate to follow her throughout her mansion of a tree, but then I realized that I didn't really care. What was hers was mine now.
I followed up a grand, honey-colored staircase after her. Pictures of pale earth ponies hung on the wall with golden nametags underneath, all dressed up extravagantly with monocles and small librarian glasses plastered to their faces. At the top of the stairs was another giant chandelier and an elaborate railing. Our hoofsteps were quieted by a blood red rug that was as long as the hall that we were walking in. Ragdoll turned to the room at the end of the hall and opened the door with another pull rope, and I followed in after her.
"Ragdoll, this has gotta stop," I said, narrowing my eyes at the display of elaborateness around me. Her room was gigantic, but at least in a style similar to the rooms over at my shop.
"Soon," she replied, walking to a vanity and grabbing a dark gray ragdoll that matched her ass picture. She placed it carefully on her back, then nodded at me. "Missus Legwarmers is ready."
Missus Legwarmers? Seriously? What the fuck? My eyebrows clenched down.
"Is that all you need?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Okay, well, nice doll." Ragdoll gave a half-smile at the compliment. "I think I know the way back out, so let's go! I can't wait for you to meet Boner!"
Boner was the previous undertaker of the town, and he was incredibly grumpy, just like most penises were. Ragdoll cocked her head to the side at his name, and I leaned in slightly, waiting for her to say something. When she didn't, I sighed and trotted out the room, past the glorious décor and back to town. I had perfect memory, so we were able to trot down the trail through Ragdoll's woods and back to town with no problems. We arrived on Purple Pier in front of my shop in no time.
"Coffins 'N Stuff!" I said, grinning up at the coffin sign hanging above my door. "Home sweet home, Ragdoll."
My bright green magic enveloped the door and it creaked open. Purple lanterns lit up the ebony-colored wood walls, and floors, and everything, of the inside of the shop. Boner sat at the bar to the left in the foyer, reading a magazine. Ragdoll trotted in behind me, and he turned to stare at me.
"She's not dead," he remarked, glaring at Ragdoll.
"No duh, Boner," I said, rolling my eyes. "You penises are all the same, damn. This is Ragdoll, she's my new apprentice!" I slung a hoof over Ragdoll's shoulders, making sure not to knock Missus Legwarmers off her back. Ragdoll bit her bottom lip.
"Apprentice!?" He asked, hopping down from his stool and trotting over to us. "What the hell, BB? I never got an apprentice." He groaned, then looked at Ragdoll. "Hi, I'm Epitaph. What's your real name?"
Ragdoll didn't respond. She turned her big, brown eyes up at me.
"You can see ghosts, right?" I asked. Ragdoll shook her head. Boner made an incredibly loud yelling noise. I couldn't help but grin.
"Okay, well, he said that his real name is Epitaph – it's not, don't call him that – and that he wanted to know your 'real' name. As if Ragdoll isn't your real name! Dumb Boner!" I trotted through Boner and to the back of the room, where I levitated a picture off the wall and over to Ragdoll.
"Here's a picture of him," I said, dusting it off with my magic so my apprentice could see the picture better. "He was really old and crinkly when he died, but he evidently got younger when he died? I don't even think Luna would understand it."
The picture showed Boner, a small, gray earth pony stallion with a black pompadour and three graves for a cutie mark, standing by a larger white stallion with the same haircut. The taller one had on golden sunglasses and a shimmering suit. It was signed, "E. Hoofsley – Thank you very much. To Epitaph."
"Why'd you have to show her that picture?" Boner asked.
"I think it's flattering that you look like whoever E. Hoofstley is," I said. "I mean, man, what was your obsession with this guy?" I gasped, dropping the picture out of my magic grasp. "You're gay, aren't you!? That explains everything! Ragdoll, Ragdoll! Boner is gay! Gay for E. Hoofsley!" I laughed.
"BB if you ever become a ghost, I am going to kill you."
"I'd like to see you try. I have magic and you don't."
Boner sighed, and proceeded to walk out of the room through the door to the morgue. Maybe he wanted to go see if he could find some other ghost friends or something. I rolled my eyes, then turned to Ragdoll. The door was still open, so I shut it.
"Alright, I know just the room for you," I said to her. She looked up at me, then nodded. I grinned, then walked through a hallway to the left. Coffins 'N Stuff was drab in comparison to Ragdoll's extravagant home, and I found myself spotting every cobweb that stuck to the ceiling or corners of previous shop owners' pictures and every imperfection in the perfectly-black walls.
My staircase was undoubtedly better than anything in Ragdoll's tree, though. It spiraled upwards, and a chandelier made of antlers hung from a tin ceiling, lighting everything up with a purple glow. We walked up the stairs to the second floor, and we headed past doors labelled things like: "How to take over Canterda", "Shaving Cream" and "Balloons" until we hit doors labelled with actual numbers.
I stopped at a random door, then shoved it open.
"Room 222! All yours!" I said, standing on my hind hooves and motioning to the grandeur of Room 222. It was spacious, comfortable and had a circular bed just like Ragdoll had at her old room. A picture of Celestia hung above her headboard. There was a bathroom off to the side, an armoire, a vanity and a radio on one of the nightstands by her bed.
"Nice." Ragdoll replied. She walked into the room, then very gingerly placed her doll onto her bed.
"You can decorate it however you want," I said. "I sleep in Room 273 just down the hall if you need me for some reason at night." There was a pause. Ragdoll was placing her doll's legs meticulously. "Don't go in the shaving cream room, by the way. Boner had that before he died and it is freaky."
Ragdoll nodded. I continued, "The kitchen is downstairs in the hall before the stairs. I make the best food in Equestria, so be down for dinner! Oh yeah, and we have a body to go pick up soon! Just, uh, get settled in and come find me when you're ready, I guess. I'll be downstairs."
She nodded again. I watched her carefully move her doll around the bed, like she was playing some kind of game, then slowly backed out of the room and shut the door. She was definitely special, and I liked her! We would get along wonderfully, me and her, we'd be the best apprentice and mentor in all of Equestria! They'd see.