Saturday night at the local bar seemed just as sad as I thought it would be.
"It's so odd that this is what we dreamt of when we were kids." I laughed turning towards Shikamaru. Temari had not showed up yet. She had a closing shift at the gas station. The place was still quiet. It was still early and no one had wanted to have pre-drinks with me, they had not even heard about it.
I was sipping on my light beer. I was now up to 270 calories for that day. Sasuke and Sakura had also showed up so far. It was not like I had anything better to do that evening so I was ready when Shikamaru picked me up.
Not knowing the dress code I had gone for my Lolita dress in a dark crème and salmon colored top, the belt with a bow, a navy blue Saint Laurent blazer with the most flattering and feminine cut. Six inch Love Me leather and suede heels from Charlotte Olympia. I threw my large, white Burberry cashmere scarf around my neck as Shikamaru had honked outside the house. I was constantly cold.
Sakura and Sasuke were already there when we arrived.
"Is this how good it gets around here?" I asked out loud.
"More or less," Sakura muttered. I finished her beer. If I drank too much tonight I could decide against eating at all the next morning.
"So this is what you do on a regular Saturday evening, for fun?" Sasuke eyed the pool table.
"It is what it is." Sasuke challenged Shikamaru when I turned towards the bar.
"I'm going to need a couple of more beers to make it through this night." Sakura and I walked over to the bar.
"I really want you to know that I'm so sincerely happy for you and Sasuke." I took her hand looking closely at her ring. I was conflicted. Sure I was speaking the truth. I was conflicted because I was not sure if some part of me wanted this for myself.
The shady, brown local bar, the engagement ring, I was sure she was already thinking about children, I did not even know if I could have children. I let go of her hand and downed my beer in one sip. Sakura did not know I had that in me.
"Promise me, please. Don't take him." Her plea was low and sincere. I laughed waiting for my next beer.
"To be honest, I'm so over him it should be him worrying about me stealing you away from him." Her pink hair had always excited me. It was true. I had no feelings whatsoever for the raven haired man.
"And I keep repeating myself, but I'm so madly in love with Deidara." I was not sure anymore if I was or if I was trying to convince myself. Too scared of the consequences if I did not love him anymore.
"Want to do shots?" I eagerly asked Sakura. I should not have, I was already intoxicated from the beer. Oh, and think of the calories. Ino pig. The voice inside my head kept screaming. I did another shot to shut that bitch up.
I got up and moved over to what was supposed to be the dancefloor. I dragged Sakura along with me. She was more modest in her moves. I danced like my life depended on it. I waved my hair, grinded against Sakura.
I loved and hated her. I would never stop comparing myself to her. It was so wrong. We had grown so widely apart.
"This might sound stupid," I muttered. I had her attention, she nodded.
"I have a blog, and would you mind if I took some pictures for it?" Had I only known the joy and pride she felt in that moment. How she had looked through pictures from parties earlier and now she was going to be in one of them.
I had my camera out. She slowly nodded and I planted a hungry kiss on her lips. Camera snapping pictures, it would capture her shock. I enjoyed it. She tasted sweet, like the high carb, girly drinks she had been drinking. I bit down on her bottom lip and pulled it letting it go before it would hurt her.
"What the hell was that about?" Sakura muttered.
"It looks good," was my good and honest response. "It also felt good,"
I teased licking my lips. I was utterly shitfaced long before everyone else.
I left Sakura on the dancefloor. Sasuke and Shikamaru had seen the whole show and were unsure how to react.
"Did my fiancé just cheat on me when I enjoyed watching?" Sasuke laughed.
"Ino is totally out of control," Shikamaru shook his head.
I did not pay them any attention. I was more worried about putting back on some lip gloss. When I came back out again it seemed like they were all there. I could not have been in there too long. I had tried calling Deidara and I must admit it was to whine.
He did not pick up and it made me even more nervous. I had to trust him, trust him to not hurt me and I was horrified by the idea. I had downed a glass of water before asking for another beer. I walked over to the group around the pool table.
"Do you spend many hours a week on your butt?" Sai wanted to know. It was not the first time anyone has asked me that.
"Too many, but if you're asking how many hours I use exercising it still too many, four or five hours to be precise. Just my butt." He nodded. It did not seem like the group used to answer his questions like that, I was used to questions like these.
"Enjoying yourself, tiger?" Shikamaru sniggered, so did Sasuke.
"Yes, very much so." The beer and shots had suddenly and finally almost given me a sweet careless bliss. I felt like the energetic child its parents had to pay extra close attention to. It was not like I was going to do something.
They were all waiting for me to misbehave. I already had, I had been snorting from my last bag of cocaine in the bathroom. It had all started taking effect seconds ago.
I was Zen, with some extra energy. I also knew I was fragile. The worst thing about ending up at that clinic had been becoming aware of just how sick I was. I knew I needed to eat, I knew I was killing myself, and then there was the other me who wanted to curl up and cry, never to eat again because I had been doing shots.
None of the pieces in my life fit anymore, not since I had shattered.
"Oh, where's Naruto?" I had not noticed that he was missing.
"Probably pissing," Kiba yelled out. I had wanted to take a picture of all of them, not to promote myself on my blog, but because I wanted to keep the memory.
"Is that a Tory Burch, Thea bag?!"
Tenten yelled out pointing to my shoulder bag. I shrugged; I did not even know why I had brought it.
"I'll trade you! It really doesn't go along with my outfit!"
Her jaw dropped. To me it was nothing. I was spoiled. I felt sick to my stomach because of it. I was used to getting everything I wanted, not because I deserved it but because I was me.
"You're kidding to my face! I spent ten dollar on this plastic, and that bag is five hundred or more!"
It did not matter to me. I wanted to be liked. I needed Tenten to adore me; a cheap purse was a bargain.
"It would look so much better with our outfit than mine."
It was true, she was wearing a royal blue bandage dress. Her purse was a pastel pink. It was an awful combination. I emptied my purse on the table, credit card, dollar bills, keys, phone and make-up.
My cocaine was safe between my breasts. Tenten was quick to do the same. Her purse was a mess, she had everything in it. As I had assumed her label read H&M.
"Take care of her,"
I said as I handed her over. Temari snorted, I had not even seen her.
"You can't buy friends, you can't buy us!"
Temari did not know who Ino was. They had never met before she saw her at the restaurant. She had heard stories about Ino. Temari had grown up in the neighboring town, but she had never been with what you could call the popular group. She had never once been to a party in high school. She had been invited to a few but she never went.
People at her school had known who she was. Temari hated everything the popular group stood for. She hated her high heels, their short revealing outfits, their perfect silky hair, their painted faces, their perfect boyfriends, their values and moral.
She could not understand why one would waste their life trying to make people jealous of them, promoting themselves as the standard everyone should follow, as pure perfection. Temari was not jealous of Ino because she had made a living of being the most popular girl in high school.
Temari knew that Shikamaru cared for her, that he loved her, but he also loved Ino.
The frail girl who was living dead, the unhappy plastic Barbie doll who had lost her place in the world.
She corrupted their generation with drugs and designer purses. How easily fooled her friends had been was revolting. Tenten was bought with a purse. She knew Ino used to be Sakura's best friend. Still Sakura had almost only told her bad things about Ino.
Temari was not jealous of Ino, not her career, fame, wealth, clothes nor her body. Temari would never want that. When she went on her way home she could stop and get some take-out, she did not have to wear uncomfortable clothes and she did not sell herself the way Ino did.
She felt pitty for Ino, but she hated her. Temari was jealous because Shikamaru loved her.
Ino had not bothered answering her; she was now mounting along with the Beatles song dancing. Temari was boiling. She tried starting a make-out session with Shikamaru, but he was not interested.
They had not been boyfriend and girlfriend since Ino had showed up. Shikamaru was being eaten up with worry about Ino. Why she had come, why she was staying so long? Temari knew. Ino had fallen from grace. She was a pitiful shell of a human being. She was anorexic. She screamed eating disorder. She screamed mental patient.
She was chatting with Shikamaru and Tenten now. Temari was talking with Sakura keeping her eye in Ino. She was paying attention to her. She trusted Shikamaru, but she did not trust Ino.
Sakura was talking about how hard it was picking colors for her weeding. Had it been another time Temari might have faked some interest. She knew Sakura was going to pick pink, that Sasuke would not be pleased. Sasuke loved her more than getting his pick of colors though. Their weeding day was just for Sakura.
Sasuke wanted children, a family. Sakura would not have children before she was married. It did not mean that Sasuke never had wanted to get married; he just wasn't in a rush.
Temari had been the new member in their group, now Ino was the new old one.
"It's all good, she won't do anything. Don't worry; she's in love with her man. She would not try anything."
Sakura knew Temari was concerned.
"Ino has never had any interest in Shika, except that night."
Sakura did not know that she had made it all worse, that's why Temari flew when she saw Ino's leg stroke against Shikamaru's sitting by the bar.
Her fist quickly connected with Ino's face.
It had not been a slap, it had been a punch. Shikamaru jumped up and got ahold of Temari before she could do any further damage. Kiba had rushed over and helped Ino back on her feet. They were all around the two of them.
Ino held her hand to her head. That was going to hurt and bruise.
"What the hell?!" Ino was ready to fight back.
"Stay off my man! Just because yours went and fucked some model slut does not mean that mine will!"
Ino's face screamed shock and disbelief, Temari had her. She had hurt and humiliated her more that she did with her fist.
"Yeah, it's all over the web! He got some strange while you're stuck in this town you think you're too good for! He doesn't love you, neither does Shikamaru!"
I dashed. I ran. I could not keep appearances up. Running in heels and a corset slowed me down. I had nowhere to go. I had no one. Tears streamed down.
The air outside was still. My world had crashed. I stopped and took off my heels. No one had cared enough to storm after me. I was alone in this world.
I could die and no one would miss me. I tried to get my act together.
I threw up behind the gas station.
Why was I so quick to believe her? It could have been just something she had said to hurt me. They were Deino, he would never do anything to hurt me. Never.
I got a hold of myself.
Once you make it big, you're always modeling Deidara had told me when I got my first picture in Vogue. Bum out, chest out and chin held high, the world is your catwalk.
I got a cab and went straight to my dad's. He was having guys night with Shikamaru's dad and some of the guys from the station. I went straight to my laptop. It was everywhere. Him leaving the club holding her hand, it looked like they were making-out in their town car. It did not have to mean anything. Holding hands was not cheating, the kissing could be the angle the picture was shot.
Right?
I needed to call him. I needed him to tell me that the idea had not even entered his mind that I was the only one good enough for him, that I was his girl. I picked up my phone and called him. My heart jumped with joy when I heard him answer, just that it wasn't him.
"Hey! Deidara is still in bed if he isn't in the shower yet, do you want me to go get him?"
Her voice was chirpy, like she had just screwed the biggest suit in the modelling world. My world shattered.
"No there's no need, but could you take a message for me?"
Stone cold again, my voice did not even shake. The girl on the other side of the line did not even bother answering me with words she just mhm'ed.
"Tell Deidara to pack all my shit in a box. I'll send him the address tomorrow. As for you, I'll fuck your life up when you least expect it. I'll screw you over so bad that you own family might just disown you. I'm case you're wondering, this is Ino, bitch."
I ended the call.
I would fuck that girl up, I swore on my diet. I would make her burn for what she had done. That did not help now though. I broke down in my dad's darkened kitchen. Over a decade worth of tears where pressing through my eyes. I could not let them fall.
I got my bag of coke and snorted it all at once. I started bleeding from my nose. I did not give a shit though. It got in my mouth. I wondered if blood contained any calories. I did not care. I turned around I couldn't possible stay still in a moment like this.
I needed to fill the empty feeling.
It was not the empty feeling I felt when I had not eaten. This feeling was not caused by an empty stomach. This was the making of an empty heart. I had never binge eaten before. I was not like the other models that ate their food with laxatives or purged. I had kept away from it all.
This time I needed to fill the soaring gap with something. I ran through all the cupboards in the kitchen.
Crisps, nachos, chocolate, full fat mayo and whipped cream. Things I had not eaten in years. Things I would devour now.
My top five NO.
Tears still were still pressing wanting to fall down my face. I had spent years with that whore monger. He had crushed me in one lay.
Don't worry babe, it's only you. I haven't looked at her in any way than professional. It's just that with you gone all summer I need to replace you. Babe, don't worry. You're my girl.
I cried out. My best years, I had given him my best years, my career. I had given him my heart!
I did not know what to do, where to go from here? Do I forgive him? Could I forgive him? Could I continue working for him?
I sprayed cream directly into my mouth. Someone was the door. It was probably my dad coming home early. I wanted things to go back. Back to when I was a girl. I was a daddy's girl. I still was, but now I had only my daddy.
I tried containing myself again. I needed daddy to hold me. I needed him to tell me it would all be okay. He had not done that since before mother had left. He did not know if anything would ever be all okay since that. He did not want to make me a promise he could not hold.
My life had also ended that day. I had to get a new one, become someone else. I stopped eating, I felt power and I felt like I had control. Hunger would never leave me, she would never disappear. She was always by my side and reminded me that I was somehow alive.
I heard the door from the hallway open. I did not care how I looked, daddy had seen me at my worst and I had felt safe with him. I ran over and hugged him.
It was not my dad.
It was a smaller, younger body. He smelled like late game nights, bad movies and friendship. It was Shikamaru. He had come for me, he cared about me. I suddenly felt my stomach turn, it all happened too fast. I hugged him.
I felt my stomach turning again. This was something else though. Something entirely different and not relating to Deidara bedding someone else. I broke off the hug with Shikamaru. I couldn't keep it down. I had to let it all out. I hurled on his feet.