We had decided to meet up at the BBQ again. Shikamaru and Temari had not been invited, Sai was busy. I felt bad for splitting up the group like that. I had still not seen Temari since she gave me a black eye. I had not missed her the last four days either.
I had become more or less a local at the BBQ. They always had tea ready when I came. I could drink several cups. I knew that I had gained weight since I came. I did not know how much, daddy had thrown out all the weights in the house having read the pamphlets.
I had done my best not to crack and gone to get one; the sane Ino was encouraging and rooting for me. The sick part was satisfied with telling me it was a good thing; I had become fat like a pig. My weight would have shocked me. Both sides had grown stronger, and their voices louder. There was constant arguing among my two sides. There was no rest.
Last night I was in front of the mirror for hours contemplating weather I was fat or skinny. I wanted to gain weight, but I also wanted to lose weight. Either way I was no longer happy in my skin. My skin did no longer fit perfectly over my bones; it was either too big or too small. It exhausted me. This along with the fact that I was terrified of the future;
I had nothing to fall back on. I had hardly finished high school. I had enough money in the bank to live comfortable, but money in the bank was not equal to having a value and purpose in life. I shifted uncomfortably. I wish everyone could shut up, I wanted inner peace. I wanted just a second of silence.
I needed someone to tell me I was perfect, that I was beautiful. I craved the attention I had gotten in New York. If everyone constantly complimented and praised me everything was good. I could not be sick if the audience loved me. Yet they all betrayed me when I fell. I had gotten flowers and Hallmark sympathy cards to the clinic. Nobody had come to see me; I had been in there for months.
I had been replaced, I was replaceable. I was nothing special. I could still feel the tubes and needles connected to my arm waking up in the hospital. The feeling of being utterly powerless, I was helpless and lost. It was almost as I could hear him, my father, whisper; your mother won't be coming home. I felt my body fill with angst.
Deidara and I had been fighting more and more before I left. He knew where he could hit me. He knew where he would be able to erase the bruises he put on me. He knew what to say to injure me. He knew what stung the deepest.
I was dizzy. The room was spinning. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. I could hear someone calling me from far away. "Sorry, I stayed up late and now I have to use the bathroom."
I got up. I had to run the last bit to the bathroom. I clutched to the sink emptying the content of my stomach. A carrot, diet coke and tons of tea was all leaving my body going down the drain. The taste still in my mouth was horrid, acid. I drank some water and spat it out. It didn't help.
"Are you okay, you don't look so good?" Sakura said concerned when I came back out. I wanted to shoot her daggers, but she was right. I did look and feel like shit.
"No, I'm fine. I just need some coffee." I sat down again. I had actually ordered some grilled tofu surprised they had something like that here. I had been running on nothing for too long. I needed some food or else I would get sick. I did not want to get sick again.
I had binged again, I had ended up ordering a side of fries. Fries, I had not eaten that in years. I almost had a foodgasm eating them. I was not used to eating anything that tasted good.
"I've started looking at wedding dresses!" Sakura called out. Tenten clapped her hands, the boys were not as pleased with the topic, even though it made Sasuke smile.
"Will you be using your mother's?" I sincerely asked Sasuke. Naruto started laughing.
"I can see it! Garter and everything!" Naruto snorted and we all started laughing. That was until Sakura suddenly gasped and held her hand in front of her mouth looking utterly shocked. I had no idea until someone was suddenly standing next to me. I was at least as shocked as Sakura.
It was Deidara holding as many roses as he could possibly carry. He went down on one knee. I started shaking, of shock, longing and anger. I wanted to throw myself at him as much as I wanted to stab his eyes out with my steak knife. Itachi was standing behind him with a wide smile.
"Ino, my most precious. It's nothing like it seems. I would never touch another woman. It's only you. I've missed you more than I thought possible. I love you. I love you so much. I would never hurt you. I'm crazy about you, look. You made me leave New York to come to this red neck hole for you, in the summer! You're the only one for me. I love you so much I'm willing to give you my last name!"
I was, this was beyond words. He smiled handing me the roses. I watched dumb founded at him. I did not know what else to do than to take them. The world had stopped, everything was quiet, even my inside. Was this real? He smiled even wider. Had he just proposed?
"I… I… I have to use the bathroom again." I got up and went on autopilot not looking back. I was shocked. I was mad. I cried, but not of joy. He had no right asking me something like that. I was not prepared. He did it in front of my friends too. He had not explained himself. There were so many questions beside the one about wanting his last name or not.
I wanted to scream, I wanted to climb out the window and run. I could not, I still had feelings for him, and I still loved him. There had to be something left when he had come all this way. He hated summer, he hated the heat, but he was here for me. I did not notice I was still carrying the roses before I cut myself on a thorn. I could not hide in the bathroom forever.
The way back to our regular booth seemed longer than ever. There was a low mumble coming from it, the mood seemed to be suppressed, there was suspense in the air. They all became quiet when I arrived. Deidara's eyes still had hope in them. I nodded and he came over to me.
"Are you sure, yes?" I nodded again and he kissed me. Soft lips, intoxicating smell, soft silky hair and rock hard abs. I had not done badly, but he was no dark haired lazy genius. Did that just run through my mind?
"I love you baby doll!" I could hear someone clapping and someone aw'ing in the restaurant. They were cheering my demise, but how could I have accepted when it made me feel like this?
"I love you too, sunshine!" Just like that I decided that we were fine again. He had done a big romantic gesture so he must love me.
"Where's my ring?" I joked. He seemed surprised and took up a box from his jacket.
"I totally forgot! It used to be my mother's," He smiled and opened the box. There lay the biggest diamond I had ever seen. It was yellow, squared, corner cut. It looked like it was at least 30 carat.
"You're supposed to put it on!" I held out my hand, impatient. He smiled and slid it on. It was a perfect fit. I had to dry a tear, was it happiness? Everything was going to be good now.
"It's beautiful!" I kissed him again.
"I've never thought I would get engaged at a BBQ." I laughed, he was so cute.
"Yes, you might have to redo it, but I'm keeping the ring." He pouted.
"This calls for desserts!" Naruto yelled. I agreed, shut up skinny Ino.
Deidara had gone about it the old fashioned way. He had already met daddy to ask for my hand in marriage. I had fallen for him all over again. Daddy had welcomed it, he was no Shikamaru, but he seemed like a decent man. Daddy had almost cried when I came home with a ring on my finger. I was in a happy blissful state.
"Do I need to make up the guestroom?" He was uncertain.
"I think we'll be fine, daddy." I would not let Deidara sleep in the room next door.
"We'll have to bond, get to know each other or something tomorrow." Daddy said.
"It would be an honor to get to know the man who raised this beautiful woman, Sheriff." Daddy said good night and went upstairs mumbling
"yes… Woman…" He sounded almost sad.
Deidara had laughed at my all pink room, my pink furniture and at my unicorn plush collection.
"I love Fluttering Buttercup!" I said picking up my old favorite.
"Did you name them all?" he seemed astonished.
"Yes, they were my best friends." We laughed; they had been before I started kindergarten. The unicorns and Shika were my best friends.
"You're crazy, you know that?" I smiled at him. Of course, I had always known I was crazy. I jumped on my bed and straddled him.
Sakura had just called me to tell me the news. Ino was engaged to the scumbag she had fled from. I knew better, she was not here just because she had stopped eating. We have had that fought and bickered all through high school.
Ino has always been sick, she has always been anorexic. I had always tried to protect her from it, I had always tried. I had failed. I had failed Ino and it felt like this was all out of my control. She had always complained about me, been worried. She had never taken the time to look after herself. She was the one in need to help.
I had read about it. Read the darker forums where people far too interested in Ino lurked. Those who dug through her thrash and followed her every move. Someone had gotten ahold of her medical records. The fact that her heart had actually stopped was not what worried me the most. The bruises, the bruises and injuries.
I knew that he had done them. I had seen her rub her hands where she had her bruises. She must have seen him before she left. They must have fought. Ino was strong, but she was so insecure about herself.
Anyone with the will could control her. Tame the vixen Ino is. He had tamed her and trained her as his pet. I have never met him, but I know I hate him much like my Temari hate Ino. The both of us knew I had feelings for Ino. Temari had attacked Ino instead of talking to me. I would have told her I was done with her the day she crushed me.
Either she does not remember, or she is pretending not to so that she would not have to deal with it. She had come to me for comfort. She was so upset; I have never seen her like that. Heartbroken she still shed no tears; no one was worth her tears.
She had lost everything she thought mattered that day, the crown and her prince. She had come to me who had always been there for her because I love her.
Temari shifted in the couch. I was happy with her; she had straightened me out and mended me. She had brought me on the right track. Yet I will never forget that night, the night she had stolen Sasuke's bottle of whiskey and finished it off alone.
I was outside the school alone smoking. I had not heard her coming. Her prom dress had been so beautiful. Green mermaid dress covered in sequins. She had sparkled. She had taken my cigarette and stomped it. I knew she never liked me smoking, but she let me do it. She opened her purse and offered me a mint. I took it wondering why she had offered it to me.
"I don't want you to taste off cigarettes when I kiss you." I knew it was wrong of me to let her. I knew, I should have known she did not have any feelings for me. I knew I should have stopped her and not kiss her back. My body had failed my brain. I threw away my moral.
I had taken her to my car, taken her to my bed. She had told me no. She had tried to stop me from doing something stupid. She sat down on my bed. The bed she had slept in several times as a child at numerous sleep overs.
"Shika, are we friends?" I had no idea where she was coming from. She was obviously drunk.
"Always." I sat down next to her, having controlled my body. I would let her sleep off the alcohol alone.
"Always and forever?" We pinky promised. Nothing could ever stop me from being her friend. Nothing could ever change that.
"I always feel so safe around you, it's just right." Everything was right around her; she had no idea just how right.
"I've always loved you, and sometimes more than like a brother." She had confessed having feelings for me.
"I feel so good with you, do you feel like that with me too?" I kissed her. I had kissed her this time, and she had kissed me back. Before I had known it my body had taken over again. She was on her back and I was on top.
"I've never had sex before," she blurted out. I had, a couple of birds. Nothing that meant anything to me, I never felt anything for them.
"We don't have to, we don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I love you and I would never hurt you." I would never hurt her, I would live in celibacy my whole life if it meant I could be with her.
"I've been saving myself for someone special." She ran her finger down my chest.
"Someone that is worth it, someone who does not think of me as another, someone who thinks of me as their One and loves me and that someone is you. I love you Shikamaru. I want to do this with you and one day I'll come back for you because I need to leave. I need to mend and heal. One day I will come back for you, and everything will be fine. I want us to take proper good bye first, like lovers." She could not have said it better. She had spoken from her heart to mine. So I was sure of that night.
She had left me and come back shattered with another man. I could still remember her laying there naked, her soft skin and her blush. I had never seen her blush. She was vulnerable. She had shown me her body that she was never pleased with. To me she was perfection. To me she was beauty.
"What are you thinking about?" Temari asked.
"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all."
Nothing hurts more than sleeping with your best friend.