Trepidation

They say that everyone has a weak point. A fear. A specific thought or worry that constantly lurks in the back of someone's mind, waiting ever so patiently for the right moment – or rather, the wrong moment – to pounce and lurch at the person's soul, stripping them of all self-awareness and self-control. Making them vulnerable. Making them human.

And like any other person, Light had his.

But his fear wasn't waking up and finding himself kidnapped and blindfolded, being bankrupt, or even finding himself under attack, like most people's fears nowadays. His fear was just like him, different from anybody and anything else. The only thing Light's fear had in common with other people's fears was that it also lurked in the back of Light's mind, awaiting for any trigger, no matter how small.

But Light, being the boy that had his mind saturated with his ego and his soul glowing from his confidence, refused to acknowledge that fear, that teeny-tiny little feeling nagging at the corners of his mind, trying to express itself like non-dominant genes do in particular circumstances. It had always been like that, ever since Light was still a child, and Light felt that battle going on deep inside with every fiber of his being. Thanks to Light's strong power of will, that little annoying fear never won. Not even once.

But also because of how strong that fear was, the battle never ended, either.

And as a result, Light was still caught in a brutal fight inside his own mind, torn between fighting with the refuge that was logic and his pride, and giving in to the dangerous but dominant side that was all but his fear.

And even today, as Light opened his eyes to just get through with another day, he wondered if he'll ever be able to make it out of this battle alive.

It was a nice Monday morning, or as nice Monday mornings will ever be, when Light swung his legs to one side to get ready to get up upon hearing his mother calling out his name. When his legs failed to move an inch, he heard her call him a second time.

"I'm coming, mother," He said and at last, got up and went downstairs where he found his sister already galloping breakfast, and his mother making only one cup of coffee; meaning his father must've already gone to work. It was nothing out of the ordinary, however, for it's been always like that.

Taking the coffee offered to him and muttering his thanks, Light sat next to his sister. He knew his father's line of work was very demanding, but sometimes Light felt like there was something wrong with the picture. His father, and the rest of the police, of course, worked their hearts out, day after day, night after night, just to catch the bad guys. And the results? Increased crime rate.

It just didn't feel right for someone who's hardworking and responsible, and .. caring to overwork themselves, to suffer from high blood-pressure that resulted from their work, and to cut off a few hours of sleep every night to be able to watch a late TV show with their family, just to see the very criminals they helped to catch be set off into society spreading injustice once more. It was utterly frustrating.

He was still staring at the red blurred letters in his coffee cup, still deep in thought, when his sister's voice brought him back to reality.

"Sooo, Mom. Do you know when Dad will be back? He's been like, working nonstop for the past four days." Her voice was quiet and calm, but the change in her tone betrayed her feelings. So it affected his sister as well.

Their mother's face fell, but answered nonetheless.

"Oh, I'm afraid he's been quite busy with his work the last couple of days, dear. But as soon as he finishes the case he's working on, I'm sure he'll be around here more often. But it's really taking all of their time. He called last night and informed me of that." She said as she turned back to the stove. " Which reminds me, Sayu, I need you to go to the NPA building after school today and deliver a change of clothes for your father. He most likely will need to pull all-nighters."

"But Mom! I can't! I'm supposed to meet up with my friends today!"

"Sayu, your friends can wai-"

"It's alright, mother, I can take them for you." Light said. It was a good excuse to take his mind off of thing for a while. And besides, his father didn't actually agree to him helping with the case. He had said that his studying for the upcoming exams was more important, so besides studying, which didn't really take much of his time, Light had pretty much nothing to do with his free time other than thinking about unpleasant things.

"Thanks, Light! I owe you one."

The day ended pretty quickly despite the dull environment at school. The wilting aura at class and the numbing words his teachers kept repeating were more than enough to send the boy genius to a complete state of mental paralysis. He just couldn't get himself to feel anything other than listlessness, even though this was the last month at school for him, as he was supposed to graduate high-school that year. But surprise, surprise, Light didn't feel any rush of excitement about it. It's all been already planned, and nothing seemed to deviate from the path he drew and painted so precisely in his mind.

He briefly wondered if he would feel the same after he starts working for the police. Would he be able to do things differently? Make a change in this rotten world? Would he be able to wake up in the morning feeling something other than dread and numbness?

As the bell rang declaring the end of the day, Light was able to focus a bit more on his surroundings, and he finally collected his things and left school.

The sky was starting to patch Tokyo with the shadows of the clouds flying over it, and the wind seemed to be a little colder than usual, but all was lost to Light as he himself was lost in his own silent musings. Something told him the case his father was currently working on one of those cases that were presented to the police every decade or so.

But the thought of it brought unpleasant feelings to Light. The thought of murder and evil and revenge in this world; it all made him feel sick to his stomach despite the fresh smell of winter and the promise of delicate cold air.

He mentally grimaced as he clutched the bag in his hands tighter. The world would be better if some of these people ceased to exist.

Some twenty minutes or so later, Light was in front of the police building. It was unnaturally quiet around it that day. He entered and looked for the receptionist, who was sitting in his usual place. He didn't notice Light approaching, however.

"Hi. I came to deliver some things to my father," Light politely said, in hopes of getting his attention. His attempt proved to be successful as the receptionist looked up with recognition written on his face.

"Light Yagami! It's a pleasure to see you again!"

"It's nice to see you too." Light replied with feigned light-heartedness, even though he had no idea who the man in front of him was. But it made things easier. Even though Light has been trying to hack his father's computer recently, he couldn't gather enough information, and that was about some time ago, and the receptionist is around most of the time, so maybe he heard a thing or two about the case. Well, it wouldn't hurt to try and get anything out of him anyway.

"Could I please leave this for my father? He hasn't been home lately so I brought him a change of clothes."

"Ah, yes, the case they're working on is taking up all of their time. It's a nasty one. Are you going to help out?"

"Well, I've wanted to help out for quite some time now, but I haven't had the chance yet, unfortunately," Light internally smiled. Steering the conversation in the direction he desired was piece of cake. "So, What is it about anyway? All of the cases here in Japan are similar to each other, so what's so special about this one?"

"Well, to be truthful, Light, I don't know much myself, but I'm guessing it's something really hideous."

"What do you mean, hideous?" All murders were hideous, so why bother to use the term with this one?

"Well, the police only let the public know of one murder and kept the rest secret as not to make the public panic. As for the rest of the information .. well I don't know how much I should tell you, even though I know you helped with cases before. The task force said that everything should be kept strictly confidential." He handed Light the form, looking downcast.

"Well, let's all hope they catch whoever responsible for this soon." Light said, signing his name and handing back the form. He knew the police kept some things from the public sometimes, but he didn't see or hear anything out of the ordinary on the news. "Thanks."

Arriving home didn't take as long as he'd expected, but it probably was because his mind was rather occupied. Out of habit, he entered the house and went straight to his room before noticing that he didn't greet either his mother or sister.

When he went downstairs again and looked for them, he found both of them in the kitchen, running around in a haste and checking the food in the stove every second or two.

"Hey, Why's the rush?" Light smoothly asked as he sat silently at the dining table.

"Your father is coming home for dinner today! I'm preparing dinner, and Sayu's helping me. We could use a hand."

"Coming home? So the clothes I delivered were for nothing." He half-joked.

"Not at all. He's only coming home for dinner and maybe he'll rest for two hours or so, but he has to get back to work. He took a break and told me over the phone just minutes ago."

"Poor Dad. He's been working so hard for the past few days." Sayu commented. "I don't know why they just wouldn't let him take a vacation or something. Even on new year's eve, he has to work."

"Our father has a very important job in the NPA, Sayu," Light reprimanded softly. "He's the head of the investigation going on right now, so you have to be more understanding."

"Yeah, but still … "

"Sayu, Light is right." Mrs. Yagami softly scolded her daughter, while preparing the rice balls that seemed much more complicated to make at this point of time than they actually were. And where were the tomatoes? "Once they finish the case they're working on, I'm sure he'll make it up to you. Both of you." The last part came out with only a little bit of contrition. Or that was what Light thought anyway.

"You're right, mother," Sayu said, ever so naïve. "Hey, Light, since you're here now, why don't come help over for a bit? I don't see why girls have to do all the kitchen work!"

"Good idea," Their mother replied. "Light, I know you just got here, but I need you to go to the grocery store and get some vegetables. I seem to have forgotten to buy some last time I went."

Well, there was no way out of this one. He would have to check the case later.

Outside, the sun was already starting to set, and the way to the grocery store was already bathed in gold when Light was got near the store. It was relatively quiet except for the small chatter heard from the few teenagers going back home from school or whichever activity they participated in every now and then, and the soft, barely audible howl of the wind.

Light started to weigh his options. He saw the helping the police with case openly was much better than investigating alone, when he can't even participate in any decision-making or any moves. He didn't want to just sit back and watch. But, unfortunately, his father had been pretty insistent when he asked him to focus on his studies during that period. They were his finals, after all.

But since his father was coming to have dinner with them, then he should at least open the subject in front of him and try to persuade him to let him work on the case with the police. Maybe he'll agree once he is aware of how much studying his son had been doing.

He'll have to try and see.

Seeing that he has nearly arrived at the grocery store, Light picked up the pace to get the errand done as soon as possible.

After getting what his mother told him to get and paying for everything, he started heading home. It was much chillier now that the sun had set. It was much quieter, as well.

The grocery bag was in one hand, and the other was taking refuge in the pocket of his coat. The boy wasn't really focusing on anything around him for all he cared about at that moment was getting home and hopefully talk with his father before dinner. Talking after dinner wasn't a preferable option for everyone would be gathered around the TV and there would not much of a chance.

His breath was forming little white clouds in front of him, coming out of his mouth rapidly and repeatedly, and his footsteps echoed in the lonely alley he was walking in., offering a little bit of amusement as he walked.

But that's when he noticed it. Those weren't really echoes.

In less than a millisecond, Light halted and his head turned back so fast that he didn't even see anything while he doing so. The alley was relatively dark, quiet, and eerie due to all of the corners that were never reached by the streetlights. But there was no one in sight. Not even red letters around indicating that someone was there.

"W-who's there?" he called, his voice full of skepticism and carrying an edge to it. There was no reply.

After two deep breaths and one last look around, Light turned around and started walking home again, this time trying to be as quiet as he could. But he was right. There was no echo this time.

What is going on? Even if that wasn't a stalker, I'm positive that he didn't want to be seen. Worry was starting to boil in the pit of his stomach.

When he finally approached his house, he was surprisingly relieved when he saw his dad's car parked outside, and the lights inside turned on. Anything was enough to get him out of the state he was currently in.

He hurried inside, and gave the grocery bag to his mother who took it and scurried back to the kitchen hurriedly, thanking him and muttering something about his father. He was too busy thinking to register what she said, though.

He started to take off his shoes when he heard a familiar male voice talking with his sister in the living room. He lifted his head up and heard his sister telling him to come.

Soichiro Yagami was indeed sitting on the couch, his back facing Light. Sayu looked really happy to see him. His father turned around and greeted him.

"Good evening, Son. How are you?"

He trailed his eyes from Sayu back to his father when his heart nearly stopped at what he saw.

Wrinkles and wrinkles adorned every corner of his face, even more than the last time Light saw him. his eyes were hollow and glazed, and his voice cracked with each word he spoke. He looked far, far older than his age, and he looked more tired than he has ever been in his life, but that really wasn't what made an indescribable feeling of dread wash over Light.

What froze him in fear was the numbers. The numbers above his father's head.

There were a lot of missing digits.

"…is something the matter, Light? What is wrong?" concern showed on his father's face now.

"…I-I need to go to the b-bathroom.." and Light ran upstairs and locked the door, completely unaware of the exchanged worried glances between his family members.

What the hell … when did this happen?! H-how!?

He leaned his back on the door and slowly sank to the ground, letting the shock settle in for a few minutes.

A nauseating feeling was starting to rise up to his chest. A mixture of fear, dread, and worry. He could already envision everything happening right before his eyes. A list of horrible, horrible scenarios in which Light felt as if he was living a horrible, horrible nightmare.

All the while, Light was trying to stay collected, which he knew was futile because he could already feel himself starting to panic terribly.

He buried his head in one palm, took a few deep breaths and braced himself. He knew the day he needed to conquer his biggest fear has finally come.

A/n: sorry it took this long. I've been busy with admission interviews for college and stuff. ahaha. I really had no time to re-read and/or edit the chapters.

Anyway, I hope the somewhat long chapter made up for that. and I'll try my best to update more often. I hope you enjoyed this one :) I like writing Light, because I somehow feel like I relate to him in some ways. I think all of us does. it may sound silly, but it's like he's a real person! :D