confession: a lot of this is already written. hehe. I guess that means y'all can expect consistent updates. well, at the very least I'll update if you lovely reviewers tell me it's worth updating. ;P the log between dave and rose in this chapter is courtesy of darling vector.
Warnings: more swearing, vector is still the lovely dave to my shittastic john.
Disclaimer: these characters still do not belong to vector or myself.
The Figurehead of Queer Justice
Tentacle Therapy
– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –
EB: dave! i hope you had a good day at work.
EB: if i don't respond when you get back i'm probably downstairs with my dad.
TG: shit you preempted me no fair
TG: jsyk im still in my hideous estimation of a pizza employee uniform
TG: shit looks like bad cosplay
EB: oh i bet you're just being modest.
EB: is it possible for dave strider to not be attractive?
EB: i mean at least you're probably better than me after work with my gross polo and khackis
TG: probably not possible but when im wearing this it becomes probable and thats too much for me
TG: shit you have a uniform too that is too precious
TG: pics or it didnt happen
EB: no way you'll see it when you get here.
EB: i don't want you passing a pic around to rose and jade, they'll laugh at me and call me cute!
TG: you are cute
TG: better learn to deal with it
EB: what!
TG: also no homo
EB: i'm not cute at all.
EB: and sure dave whatever pfft.
TG: you totally are you give a brother diabetes just looking at you
TG: like a fleet of dimple-cheeked choirboys each holding a basket with kittens or puppies in
TG: thats the level of cute
TG: why do you think none of us take you seriously its cause were too busy suppressing our urges to pinch your cheeks egbert
EB: what since when do you not take me seriously?
EB: oh my gosh nevermind shut up, dave.
TG: heh
TG: anyway work was eventful
TG: if im typing slower its cause i have an icepack strapped to my hand
TG: on account of some dickstain knocking me against the fryer while i was doing side orders
EB: what?
EB: what the hell happened?
TG: eh most of the staff are okay theres just this jizztowel who likes to give me a hard time
TG: probably cause his dad drinks or some shit idk
EB: oh, that's sad.
EB: but still, why would he do something like that to you?
TG: yknow i have no idea
TG: hes always bumping into me
TG: starting to piss me off especially seeing how he ended up getting my hand fried
TG: to be fair he apologized
EB: maybe it was an accident?
TG: he doesnt do it to anyone else
TG: fuck he wasnt even working sides today there was no reason for him to be anywhere near me
TG: but anyway that was my day
TG: getting burned by some douche
TG: its nothing compared to the shitmarole you had to go through yesterday but eh if i type slow thats why
EB: no dave don't compare your day to mine that isn't even fair. it certainly doesn't make the fact that your hand got burned any less shitty.
EB: and hey if that guy at work only targets you maybe he has a reason for it?
EB: you should ask rose, she'd know.
TG: ugh
TG: i know exactly what shed say
TG: can we infiltrate roses house and burn all her wizard porn i think shes been reading too much of it lately
EB: haha!
EB: sounds like fun, but she'd probably get really angry and kill us with her knitting needles!
EB: oh speaking of rose, didn't she say something funny to you last night?
EB: i was so tired i don't really remember.
EB: daaave.
EB: if you're gonna go get more ice you could at least let me know.
TG: sorry it seized up
TG: and uh
TG: she did say something funny yeah
TG: hilarious really
EB: haha what?
TG: oh
TG: haha
TG: yeah
TG: okay keep in mind this isnt even something she directly said to me
TG: this is lalonde after all the decoding i do just to keep up with her snarky therapy banter
EB: yeah yeah i get it!
TG: so in other words she seriously thinks this
TG: haha
TG: basically she thinks i want to bone you
TG: shes implied it in like five different conversations
EB: oh
TG: funny right
TG: like
TG: i mean
TG: totally ridiculous levels of funny
TG: because its totally ridiculous
EB: uh yeah!
EB: haha rose is probably just reading too much wizard porn.
TG: yeah thats totally it
TG: reading shit into the atmosphere that isnt there
TG: i mean were both straight dudes right
TG: doesnt stop her though
TG: look at this bs
TG: TT: I wouldn't ever infer that relations between the two of you were anything less than platonic.
TG: TT: Your insistence on rivalling him in the game, while the perfect fodder for lesser girls than myself, was clearly just a manner of re-establishing your brotherly affection. I understand, Dave.
TG: TT: How often do you talk with him again? Jade has told me you haven't messaged her in three days now.
EB: um
EB: haha yeah
EB: rose is silly.
TG: i was like fuck just cause i dont message harley all the time doesnt mean anything
TG: and she was all
TG: TT: This is our second conversation in seven days.
TG: look youre my best friend right
EB: of course i am!
TG: its totally normal to want to talk to your best friend every day isnt it
EB: well, yeah!
EB: don't other best bros do that?
TG: yeah my argument exactly
TG: and then she said some more stupid shit that just was a load of lies and falsifications so lets not even go there
EB: no what did she say?
TG: ugh
TG: ok this was from later in the conversation
TG: TG: and so yeah now this bitch thinks were dating TT: Interesting. TG: ok dont gimme that TG: whats interesting about it TT: For someone so infatuated with irony not to understand what is interesting is...Why, it's like an ironic paradox. TT: I am falling down all of this irony. TT: Also, did you know that 80% of this conversation has been about John? TT: Unrelated, but also interesting.
EB: i see...
EB: i'm guessing the conversation wasn't actually 80% about me...
TG: well
TG: ok most of it was about the thing with you and that crazy fucked up broad
TG: but yeah what she was getting at was that it was ironic that we were fake-dating when apparently i want to real-date your dorky ass
EB: oh...
EB: i guess that is pretty silly.
TG: that lalonde huh
TG: i mean in terms of fake boyfriends you are definitely the only one for me
TG: heres where the romantic music swells
TG: but yeah who would even crush on his completely straight best friend right
TG: that only happens in those terrible japanese manga that bro prints out and sticks all over my door
EB: hehe he would do something like that.
EB: um, but yeah, getting a crush on your completely straight best friend would be painful and silly
EB: i mean painfully silly.
EB: or, well, both i guess.
TG: yeah i guess it would
TG: not that i have like
TG: any experience
TG: at all in that
TG: but my powers of imagination are gratuitous enough that i can extrapolate just how heart-wrenching and miserable it might be
EB: oh, um, me too.
EB: it sounds like it would be hopeless.
EB: but i mean i guess we'll never know for sure, right?
TG: yeah
TG: no way of knowing
TG: i mean i guess if i were to take a break being this fine specimen of heterosexual man-steak that i clearly am all the time
TG: and i had myself a perusal of guys to while away the break with
TG: thered be worse people than you
TG: i mean actually every guy would be worse than you
TG: but i guess you wouldnt be taking a break from heterosexuality so its a moot point
EB: i
EB: um
EB: oh my dad is calling me, i'll be right back
John pushed himself away from the computer as some tears began to fall from his eyes, feeling strange and foreign over the bruises that had formed since yesterday. His chest heaved for breath, and he lamented the painful mixture of butterflies in his stomach and feeling like something cold and heavy was pressing on his chest.
That isn't fucking fair, Dave. You can't say shit like that to me. Not when I…
Pesterchum flashed again, and John looked at the screen through blurry eyes.
TG: is this legit or are you jsut making an excuse to run away from that miserable trainwreck of a paragraph up there
TG: *just
TG: fuck my life i couldnt write a cohesive sentence today even if i had fully operational hands
John shook his head and jumped up to run to the bathroom and splash some water on his face. Anything to make this feeling go away. He didn't think he could handle it for much longer.
EB: jeez it was legit!
EB: you don't trust me at all, do you?
TG: wounded over here egbert
TG: of course i trust you
TG: i dont trust myself to write anything after that grotesque wordvomit but uh
EB: it's fine, dave.
EB: i..feel the same way, actually.
EB: like, if i were to take a break from heterosexuality
EB: you would be it.
TG: really
TG: heh
TG: that
TG: thats pretty great to know
TG: i mean both of us talking hypothetically here right because were both straight
TG: b
TG: fuck this keyboard
EB: it's okay, i know it must be difficult to type.
TG: heh its not that
TG: anyway its good to know that we can score our top choices if our straightness ever
TG: yknow
TG: stopped being a thing
EB: yeah...
EB: um but anyways, i have to go to the police station again tomorrow, so i don't know if i'll be able to talk.
EB: i guess dad and i are supposed to meet with the guys who attacked me and their families.
EB: i'm not really looking forward to it...
TG: im not either
TG: why the fuck are they making you go face to face with those dicks again thats the last thing you need
TG: i mean ill be up really late just in case you
TG: yknow feel like venting afterwards
EB: i don't know why they're making me talk to them, i guess it's just protocol.
EB: this is probably really uncool, but i'm actually pretty scared.
TG: why would that be uncool
TG: they beat you up dude theyve proven that theyre willing to cross the line
TG: shitty protocol if you ask me
EB: i don't know, i mean we'll be surrounded by police officers, so it seems kind of pointless to be scared.
EB: i just...
EB: i had a nightmare about it last night, to be honest.
EB: i wish i could just never have to see them again.
TG: fuck
TG: i wish i could go with you
EB: dave, you would kick all of their asses then get thrown in jail.
EB: probably not a good idea!
TG: hell dyou think im stupid i wouldnt do anything while the cops were there
TG: id just glare at em
EB: haha how would they know with your sunglasses on!
TG: eyebrows man
TG: theyre how i emote
EB: hehehe that's kind of funny.
EB: it would be cool if you took your sunglasses off, though.
EB: not like in a police station
EB: but while you're here.
TG: huh
TG: what why would you want to see that
EB: why wouldn't i?
EB: you're my best bro after all, it seems silly that you wouldn't let me see your eyes.
TG: uh
TG: heh well eyes arent all that interesting
TG: massively overrated
TG: window to the soul who thought up that poetic load
EB: but it's so true!
EB: when ben affleck and liv tyler look each other in the eyes in armageddon, oh my gosh it's so romantic.
EB: and it only makes sense that you would wear sunglasses all the time, you don't want people staring into your soooul.
EB: hehe oops do i sound like rose?
TG: just a bit
TG: sok though i mean we just had that awkward moment up there where we confessed our willingness to score with each other in a lapse of judgement
TG: should send the log to her itd be like christmas came early
TG: also im never reenacting armageddon in any sense of the word
EB: hahaha yeah that doesn't surprise me.
EB: but come on making eye contact isn't in any way reenacting armageddon!
TG: depends how powerful our offscreen chemistry is i guess
TG: you can be liv tyler btw i will bestow that honor unto you
EB: what why do i have to be the girl!
TG: im not being liv tyler
EB: but she's hot why wouldn't you want to be her!
TG: then id have to make out with ben affleck and he has a face like an ass
TG: but yeah i never take the shades off
TG: its my trademark
TG: my curse
TG: my legend
EB: whatever, dave. i will forever stand by the fact that you are just silly.
TG: heh guess i can live with it
TG: urgh bros being a dick
TG: i think im getting kicked off here soon
EB: oh, what?
EB: it's only like 10:30, what the hell.
TG: yeah tell me about it
TG: i think hes pissed off with work or a girl or some shit
TG: oh
TG: ok he just left a note
TG: he wants us to fight i guess urgh
EB: but what about your hand?
TG: like he gives a shit
TG: i can fight onehanded anyway its not too much of a big deal
EB: well, whatever you say.
EB: be careful, okay?
TG: heh i will
TG: i should be saying that to you for tomorrow
TG: be careful john
EB: i'll be fine, dave, seriously. my dad will be with me the whole time.
TG: i still worry
TG: wait
TG: fuck ignore that
TG: i mean
TG: yeah just keep your ass guarded and dont let em freak you out
EB: oh
EB: thanks, dave.
EB: really thank you, i'll be on my guard.
EB: um, well, good luck!
TG: thanks john
TG: you too
– turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] –
John shut down his computer and stripped down to his boxers before climbing into bed, pulling his comforter tight around him and grabbing his PDA from the bedside table.
– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -
EB: why do you keep trying to get him to admit to being gay?
Ten minutes passed, John lying on his side and clutching the PDA in one hand, trying to will himself to sleep despite the fact that the sun hadn't even completely gone down yet. But he couldn't force himself to be tired, not when his mind was racing with all the things Dave had said. Heart-wrenching and miserable; that is what he'd said he thought it would feel like to crush on your completely straight best friend. John's chest ached. So can you imagine what being in love with your completely straight best friend must feel like?
His PDA buzzed and he wiped his eyes gently, making small sounds of discomfort when his fingers pressed against the bruises, before bringing the screen in front of his face and wincing at the sudden brightness.
TT: Well John, besides the fact that I simply take pleasure in exploring the inner workings of Dave's mind, and nevermind my intuition telling me he is quite infatuated with you, I figured if I used more suggestive language, he might consider being honest with you.
TT: He is, of course, endlessly stubborn about all of this.
EB: well thanks i guess for trying to help me out, but he's just treating your suggestive language like a joke. he's pretty much straight and there's no way he'll ever like me like that.
TT: John, you do realize that Dave was raised in a place where to be a homosexual means thrashings, and for some people even death. Imagine what happened to you, and multiply it by ten, and that is what you can expect in Texas.
TT: Not that I am trying to belittle what happened to you, naturally. Occurrences like what you experienced would be no end of traumatizing for anyone.
TT: In any case, what I am trying to explain is that Dave is horribly closeted. The fact that he is convinced that you are just as heterosexual as he pretends to be surely does not give him any comfort.
EB: are you suggesting i tell dave that i'm not as straight as he thinks i am?
TT: I am fully convinced that doing so will open him up to the idea of considering his own sexuality as valid.
EB: …i don't know if i can do that. the thought of telling him makes me feel really sick.
TT: Anxiety is to be expected, John, but what is really the worst that can happen?
EB: he could hate me for lying to him or think i'm gross or… i don't know. lots of bad things.
TT: You are being silly. He's your best friend and you know he has no issue with homosexuality regardless of whether or not he is actually closeted. How could he ever hate you?
EB: okay well you're right, but i can't, i really can't.
TT: And why is that?
EB: ugh you'll have a heyday with this, but, some…things were said tonight.
TT: What sort of things?
EB: he said that if he were to ever take a break from heterosexuality, every guy would be worse than me, and i sorta told him the feeling was mutual.
TT: I see. So if you tell him that you aren't straight, it will be basically like admitting your feelings for him.
EB: yeah…
TT: Well, considering that he is perfectly content being your "fake" boyfriend, and that he has now admitted that, in a lapse of heterosexuality, you would be his choice in partners, I honestly don't think you would have anything to worry about if he did know.
TT: But by all means, it is your choice to make.
EB: alright. thanks for the advice, rose.
EB: but do you think you could stop laying the suggestion on him so heavy? it makes him say things that are really painful for me and he doesn't know it and i can't tell him because he already feels bad enough about me getting beat up over him.
TT: Whatever you say, John.
– ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –
He returned his PDA to the bedside table and placed his neatly folded glasses next to it before turning back over and burying his face in the blankets. There was no way he could tell Dave; he was right, Rose was just reading too much into the atmosphere.
Despite himself, John dozed off pretty quickly.
– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -
TG: sup ectosis
TT: What a pleasant surprise! I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore.
TT: I am sat here bedecked in the funeral finery befitting the death of such a dear and beloved relationship.
TG: oh ok
TG: listen
TG: can we establish a no-gloating barrier in this conversation for like twenty lines or so
TG: starting from now
TT: Are my lines included?
TG: no only mine
TG: shit two lines wasted
TG: ok so what if
TG: bear with me now
TG: what if
TG: i were reexamining my sexuality
TT: It surprises me greatly.
TG: yeah shut up
TT: I wasn't gloating.
TG: sarcasm is also banned
TG: seeing how you managed to slather more on in those four words than was necessary or called for
TG: it was like those four words were a cake and you dumped three vats of icing sugar on top just to make a point
TG: and now the cakewords are just swimming in this sugarcasm saturated to bursting point until they crumble into a mulch
TT: What is the point of this conversation, Dave?
TG: i dunno
TG: i was hoping for some guidance that didnt come in the form of gloating or tentacle therapy but seeing how you deal in both of those i guess its a lost cause
TG: brb messaging harley instead
TT: Jade will write such terrible machinations about you, I really wouldn't recommend it.
TG: point taken
TT: Why are you re-examining your sexuality? It can't have anything to do with John, according to your protests whenever I raise the subject. We've discussed this before, but it never hurts to revisit prior sessions.
TG: did you miss the part where i said no tentacle therapy
TT: Hush, I'm on a roll.
TT: I can't say I know what role you want me to provide. If you're seeking counsel, the obvious step is for you to undergo further self-examination until you're sure of your alleged 'heterosexy', which, by the way, is not a word, and does not scan in a rapological sense.
TG: the fuck is this
TG: i successfully cockblock you from gloating and you take it as an invitation to slam my verse
TT: Did you even read that message? Or did you go straight to the 'insult' and focus on defending your ego?
TG: shut up
TT: This is something you need to work out for yourself.
TT: I'd suggest talking to whoever it was who caused you to re-examine yourself, that might help clarify.
TT: Also, Dave?
TG: yes
TT: I warned you about those repressed homosexual feelings.
TT: I told you, dog.
– tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -
I've got troubled thoughts
And self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch
What a Catch, Donnie, Fall Out Boy