Chapter 1 : Again

I'm sorry.

Kaori, our dear Kaori...!

She didn't have any more time...

As her parents, you must give her the most fulfilling live she ever had...

It was after I overheard my parents crying. When the doctor gave me permission to leave the hospital, but I don't feel like it so I came back to my room. Then, I overheard my parents and doctor conversation. I already suspected it was the case. However, hearing it with your own ears can't be more hurt.

No matter what the case.

Even you already suspected it.

Even you already resolve your heart for it.

Even you already try to life without regret.

You will never be able to prepare for it.

You will never be able to face your own death.

Every single time, every single person.

Many people can't take their own problem, so they choose to suicide. And I do, I can't take my own problem.

No matter how hard I put this mask.

No matter how I force myself to smile.

No matter how strong I try to be.

No matter how beautiful I try to decorate my lie.

It was always, there is the time I'm breaking down.

But... in case like mine. How am I supposed to do, when the problem is death itself?

I'm scared!

I'm scared!

Someone, please save me!

It was you, the very person I try to save, the very person I look into. That save me, Arima Kousei.

Whenever I break, many time I fall, it was you- who lean your back to me. It was you that give me place to live.

That's why, the moment I gave up on everything, the moment I accept my own end. I want to share my last moment with you, Arima Kousei.

Yet, you ask me to face all those problem again. You keep deny me, like I'm a worthless violinist. It was like I'm not worth your attention. How could you try to shame me in my last moment!?

You are a cruel boy, Arima Kousei.

The most cruel person I ever met.

The sweetest boy I ever talk to.

Monday, 19 February

The sound of TV and air conditioner ringing inside my ears. I can hear many laughter, the laughter that coming from the TV and the one coming from people nearby. It seems it was a comedy show.

As I try to open my eyes, everything feel hazy. I can't see very well, but I also really excited to wake up. I'm never feel this energetic for morning before.

The sea of black space started to burst out. A small light coming from the middle of the dark void, it getting bigger and bigger- slowly overtake the dark sea. It's like the big bang.

Color started to appear.

The very first thing I see is the TV, it was designed for patients to watch the TV without leaving their bed.

It was very familiar room. The room design are very simple, it look like your typical VIP hospital room. Indeed, because I spent my last years in this room it started to feel like my own room.

As I try to search for something, I found my friends chatting and laughing together. They also seems playing some kind of customized Big Two.

They wear a familiar clothing, Sumitani Middle School uniform. The dull gray jacket and light blue shirt that give an impression of diligence, yet the bright red and white tie that contrasting with the dull color give a sense of playfulness.

"Yo! Kaori-chaaan!" the only boy of the group, greeted me with a bright smile.

"Morning, but I suppose it already afternoon." The diligent looking girl greeted me with an evil smile, it give me a chill. Then I realize she holding three pokers in her hand.

"Ah finally! Sleepy head! About time!" the other girl are a total contrast with the diligent one, she is very energetic and charming. It seems she also had an ace in the sleeve too, as she grip the cards like her life depend on it.

They are my friends; Watari-kun, Kawaguchi and Tsubaki-chan.

"Full house! I win!" Kawaguchi sent a full house, among them is a poker. I think she also had other pokers so it pretty much guaranteed that she will win the match.

"Not so fast! Straight Flush!" Unexpectedly, Tsubaki-chan have Straight Flush- a very rare and the strongest combo.

"Ahhhh! No way, a Straight Flush!? How could I lose to this lovestruck girl!"

"I'm NOT lovestruck!"

Looking their fun and easy going scenery after waking up can't be any better. It give a very healthy aura to sickly person such as myself.

But, I didn't see him.

The very person that I cling all my life into.

The very person that I gave my all into.

The very person that I want to spent my last time with.

No matter how I try to search him, I can't find him.

No…

Actually I try to avoid him.

No matter how hard I try to search for him, there is the spot, a certain angle that I'm try to avoid.

Indeed, in this state I can't face to see him.

Everything will be awkward for me.

It will be totally uncomfortable for me.

If I face him right now. I'll…

I'll…

I'll….!

"Welcome back."

Burst into tears.

A gentle smile pierce into my heart. It was so gentle, that it was like created solely for this very moment.

No matter how hard I try to be strong.

No matter how hard to act like nothing happened.

No matter how hard I try to surpass my emotions.

No matter how hard I hold back my tears.

The very sight of him. The very sight of Arima Kousei is enough to crumble my giant fort of self composure.

"I'm so sorry…" I can't stop myself. I can't help myself to bury my head in his chest. His warmth make me feel safe, like it was the perfect turtle shell. I grip his shirt with enough force to rip it apart, as my nostril and tears mixed in the very same clothing.

"I'm so scared! I thought I gonna die…! I thought I can't meet you again! I… I did my best... I give my all to stay alive! And yet… and yet…!"

If I try to remember what happen before, it just make me more confused. I don't understand whatever experience I had, but I know if I let myself further- I probably can't go back.

The very thought that I was one step before the unknown scares me.

The very thought that I was prepared and nearly accepted it is frightening even more.

Just one step before my ultimate demise, you refuse me.

You ask me to dream again.

You ask me to face the cruel world that allow unlucky person like myself suffer again.

"I… I…!"

There is a lot of thing I want to say. Forgiveness, agony, gratitude, and many other things. But it so hard to construct some words when my emotion being like this.

"There… There…, you did it very well…"

Such a gentle boy.

He pat my head like a mother patting her baby. It so light, the way you patting my head is very contrasting with your rough, pianist hand. It's like you practicing it over and over again to gain the ultimate patting technique.

Arima Kousei…

You are…

"I.."

"OH MY! I'm totally okay being in front of hubby and wife! Don't mind me!" it was Watari-kun who interrupt the moment.

"Ah for your information! Before you wake up, Kousei being totally baby all over you! He kept bothering the doctor, he was like 'ah sensei, Miyazono-san is okay right? She is alright now is she?' and then the doctor give him an okay, but after that he kept asking the same question! Oh, he also skip school! He was so cool, he was like 'someone must stay until Miyazono-san wake up, it gonna be awkward if she wake up without anyone waiting.' And and…" Watari-kun keep ranting like crazy. Everything about him, every bit of detail, he told me all about it that I can't miss any.

"Stop Watari, stop!" Arima-kun look totally flustered, his face are bright red. He keep screaming "STOP!" but Watari-kun continue his rant anyway.

"Hahahaha… Ahahahaha!" I can't help myself to laugh.

When I'm started to laugh, I realize how refreshing laughter is.

All my regret, all the hard feeling, all the weight in my heart instantly gone.

As Victor Hugo said "laughter is the sun that drives winter from human face."

But now if I think about it, Arima-kun still wear his stage clothing. The very same blue colored jacket that he wore during our last duet. So what Watari-kun said was true, he kept waiting for me until I wake up. When I think about it, I can't help but flustered.

"Nice one Watari! Kao-chan finally smile!" Tsubaki-chan as usual, being loud and cheerful.

"Hmph! Aren't I'm cool!? After all I'm the cool guy that bring happiness to cute gi-"

"Geez, when I finally praise you…" And her abuse to the two boys never get old.

Now, because you all… because you guys I think finally I can face him properly.

Right now it would be okay.

"Hmmmphhh... haaaahhh." I take a big breath and release it, to mentally prepare myself.

I look at him, now straight and composed.

"What is it?"

"I want canelés."

"So goooood! So sweeeettt!"

"I'm never thought that your parents are patissiers, Kao-chan!"

"Hahaha... did I never told you?"

"How is it? My bewitching sweets skill? Whatever it's Japanese or Western sweets, the sweets itself will beg to be cooked by me!"

"Yes sir! This is so…. Ummmahh.. I can't describe it!"

It seems the reason for my parents absence when I wake up because they make these cakes. Indeed, my daddy cooking seems more tastier then before, or is it because I miss my parents food? Anyway I can't help my self to eat these canelés. They make to many cakes thought.

"Thank you Arima-kun, for all your trouble!"

"it no big deal, Miyazono-san's dad and mom. But seriously this cakes are extremely good!"

"Ah what's with the 'Miyazono-san', you're still being stiff about it! Arima-kun!"

"I… I don't know what are you talking about!"

As they continue to chat, the doctor come in.

"Excuse me! How did you feel, Miyazono-kun?"

"I feel very healthy. More importantly, thank you for everything you did to me, Sensei." This doctor was the very same person that treated me since I hospitalized. So I'm very familiar and respect him.

"Anyway, Miyazono-kun. I suppose this is a good news so I will let the other hear it. The operation was successful. We successfully resolved the bone marrow related problems in your body. However, we still need to regularly check your condition and you already being anemic in the first place." The doctor continue to explain my current condition. It seems the main disease already being taken care of. But my body being fragile and the after effects of the disease remain exist.

"Oh, this Tiramisu is good!" However, it hard to take him seriously as he speaks while eating those cakes too.

I suppose wound leave scars have a reason.

To remain you what is in the past.

To remain me that I once nearly died.

"Then…"

"You can start to go to school next week." The doctor cut before I finished my sentences.

"Aren't that good for you, Kaori?" my mom add it we a gentle smile.

Ahh…

I miss the school so much. I could cry again right now. I'm never feel this excited and happy to go to school before. The place where I can having fun with my friends.

But…

A stream of books come from Kashiwagi's bag to my bed. Each book have different color and picture in it; its had very descriptive, straightforward titles. Math, Physic, English, Biology, Art, Japanese, Chemistry, and… and…

"There is a lot of things you need to catch up, the final exams is coming."

The final exams. Right. What is it again?

"…"

"Welcome to reality."

My friends can be merciless sometimes. Especially Kashiwagi Nao will leave another scars in my heart.

Monday, 26 February.

Ma Fille patisserie.

"I'll go, mom! Dad!"

"Kaori do you want daddy to escort you too your school?" it was my dad. It seems he already prepared to use his car. As he wasn't in his usual cooking attire.

"No, I will walk by myself. It also works as my rehabilitation."

"Well, if you say so. Just don't force yourself and drink your medicine properly okay? If anything happen call your mom okay?"

"Right, right!"

"Wait, Kaori!" now my mom call me.

"What is it, mom?"

She hold a very, familiar and embarrassing letter in her hand.

"Do you still want to give this to Ari-!"

I'm totally flustered. I quickly snatch the letter in her hand and quickly tear it off.

The letter had a very embarrassing content. In fact the entire contents are full of embarrassing thing.

It full of my personal feeling. If someone read it, it was like a crime suspect self-confessing to the police.

Now if I think about it, how could I wrote such crazy things like that? And asking my parents to give him to boot!

"Oh my… Is that okay? It's the only photo you share with him."

"it's okay. If it's about photos I can make thousand more! Off I go!"

The sky look very clear today.

I wonder when springs come.

I wonder what awaits me next.

But I know, it gonna be a new start for me.

A fresh new start. Like a reset button.

Chapter 1 : Again -END-

Hello everyone. My name is Feelism! How was it? The first chapter of this fanfic?

This is the first chapter that using Kaori's POV. Now let me talk about how nice and hard using Kaori as the main character. In the original series we rarely got to see the world of LYiA in her view, so it have a lot of things to be creative and expanded on. However staying true to her character can be challenging, because we only know Kaori in Kousei's POV. I don't want to write a character that only share the name with the original, but act like a different character, I hope I'm successfully grasp her personality.

Some of you guys might not like I keep using Japanese honorific. I have my reason, Japanese honorific helps to identify characters, also I have some plans for development represented by change of honorific or dropping honorific to some characters.

Until next time, see ya!