alriiight, I guess this must've taken a while compared to the previously daily updates, but I've finally finished this chapter! thank you all again for your reviews, they make writing worth it!
Warnings: some sad times, some kawaii uguu times. idk guys just read it.
Disclaimer: andrew hussie is actually a really awesome name, when you think about it.
The Figurehead of Queer Justice
So Goddamn Brave
The press was already waiting outside the law firm where Carolyn held her practice when John and his father arrived the next morning. The reporters swarmed the sidewalk where Dad pulled up to park, and were holding microphones and cameras in their faces as they slammed their doors shut. John paled and he tried to not look any of them in the eyes, suddenly very embarrassed about the bruises on his face and split lip.
"John, is it true that the boys who attacked you are planning to fight the charges in court?"
"Mr. Egbert, what was your reaction to finding out your son has become a victim of gay bashing?"
Carolyn stepped through the crowd and stood between the reporters and their prey, firmly stating, "John Egbert and his father are not answering questions at this time. There will be an official press meeting tomorrow afternoon. Thank you." This naturally did not stop the reporters from taking pictures and asking questions, but Carolyn merely pushed John and Dad ahead, guiding them to the firm's door.
As soon as her office door was closed behind her, John couldn't help but notice her quick, self-satisfied smile, and it didn't particularly help ease his nausea. A moment later and her expression became professionally serious, and she sat behind her desk facing her clients.
"Alright, I have informed all of the local news stations, as well as various journalists who work to raise awareness for issues in the queer community. I'm also working with Komo 4 News to cover the trial next week. John, you have three interviews scheduled for today, one at noon with a reporter from Voice of the Valley newspaper, three o'clock with the Seattle Times, and 4:15 with The Stranger. I have all of the addresses written down for you right here." She handed Dad a slip of paper. "The most important thing to remember with these interviews is to answer all of their questions honestly. If you feel a question is stepping the boundaries of your privacy or comfort, it is perfectly fine to tell them you have no comment. Do you understand?"
John didn't respond at first, thinking if he opened his mouth he might throw up, but finally resolved to nod his head.
"And Mr. Egbert, the same rules apply to you. At any instance of a reporter asking a question that you feel uncomfortable answering, just say no comment. Do be completely honest with your answers, however."
"Yes," he said quietly.
"Good. Most importantly, while I want you to answer questions honestly, we have to make sure that you stick to the same story each time. If you receive a similar question multiple times from different sources, I need to make sure you answer it the same way."
"Is it alright for John to mention the names of the boys who attacked him?" Dad asked. Carolyn smiled.
"I would prefer that he did. There's no use making this a big issue in the media if the perpetrators remain anonymous."
Dad's hand rested on John's knee and squeezed comfortingly. John swallowed heavily and tried to keep himself from shaking.
"Okay, John," Carolyn said. "Let's get to work on your story."
– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –
EB: uh. hi dave!
TG: oh
TG: uh
TG: sup
TG: heh hows life going for you
EB: i don't think i've ever been more exhausted in my life.
EB: sorry in advance if i fall asleep on you.
TG: nah bro its cool
TG: tired over here as well
TG: jobhunting sucks a whole platoon of cocks
TG: i was so exhausted when i came in that bro took one look at me and let me off of sparring practice
EB: shit, that's awful.
EB: and i can't imagine your epic battle last night did much for you today...
EB: did you... talk to him
EB: about things?
TG: heh
TG: actually yeah
TG: psyched myself up for that shit like id been cast as the swan queen
TG: and basically what happened was
TG: i said
TG: bro im gay for john
TG: like legitimately
TG: yes homo
TG: and he just looked up from his shitty website and said im still gonna kick your ass just as hard now go order dinner
TG: wasnt even a big deal
EB: haha!
EB: that
EB: is such a relief.
EB: i haven't told my dad yet, about you and me.
TG: heh really
TG: wow this is exciting
TG: im like your illicit mistress or some shit
EB: shut up, dave!
EB: that sounds ridiculous, pfft.
EB: i want to tell him, everything is just so hectic and i don't want to stress him out even more than he already is.
EB: but i can...
EB: if you want me to i will right now.
TG: i guess itd be
TG: cool with me
TG: i mean i dont want to be responsible for being the final straw that gave the businessman a stress hernia
TG: maybe hed be happy knowing that such a suave figure of manliness is looking out for his son though idk
TG: because of course i am so much use all the way over here in tx
EB: you'll be here soon, though.
EB: what if he doesn't want you to stay here if we're
EB: uh
TG: gimme a sec
TG: are you insinuating
TG: wait
TG: haha he wouldnt think that wed be
TG: i mean not that im averse to that actually the total opposite but
TG: wait what are we talking about
EB: i don't know, what are you talking about!
EB: i just don't know if he'd be comfortable with us sleeping in the same room and stuff if we're
EB: dating...
TG: ok we are thinking about the same thing
TG: as disgustingly enamored of your skinny dork frame as i am
TG: i think i can keep myself under control while im sharing a room with you
TG: your old manll understand
EB: i guess so.
EB: seriously though, dave, i will go downstairs and tell him right now if that's what you want.
TG: itd be nice to have it out in the open
TG: even if it does mean that meeting papa egbert is gonna take on a whole new layer of terrifying
TG: they can make a series of increasingly awful comedy movies about it where ben stiller plays me
EB: heheh, the guy who saved me did say he thought i should put my boyfriend through the horror of first time meeting the parents.
EB: my dad will like you, though. i know he will.
TG: oh believe me its a rite im happy to endure
TG: maybe ill even get cake out of it
TG: or forty
EB: probably forty.
EB: okay, i'm going to tell him, then.
EB: i'll be right back.
TG: ok begin the part where i drum my fingers impatiently against the desk waiting for you to get back
TG: ugh not only are you gay youre in a long distance relationship with some douchebag whose face you havent even properly seen
TG: ignore me im just
TG: unusually pessimistic about the outcome of this
TG: shit i wish you could delete messages
EB: dave, you're so silly.
EB: well, he's asleep.
EB: i guess he's pretty fucking tired after today, i'm really surprised that i haven't fallen asleep yet either.
EB: i
EB: really wanted to talk to you, i guess.
TG: man what an anticlimax
TG: and heh i wanted to talk to you too
TG: howd today go anyway
EB: it was pretty damn awful, i have to say.
EB: there were already a bunch of reporters at 8 in the morning when we got to my attorney's office, just sitting waiting for us.
EB: we spent three and a half hours working on my story and preparing and shit.
EB: i had an interview with a newspaper in maple valley, then we had to drive to seattle where i had two more interviews.
EB: and i know the interviewers weren't trying to scare me, they were all fairly nice.
EB: but it was just really difficult.
EB: i ended up puking between interviews in seattle, it was so embarrassing.
TG: sounds like your schedules gonna be crammed tighter than a bus to an anime convention
TG: eugh what
TG: hey look youre not doing this out of some fucked up sense of duty are you
TG: actually strike that you so are
TG: thats like you summed up
TG: hi im john egbert
TG: whats that you say
TG: if i do something incredibly detrimental to myself it can serve the greater good
TG: shit sign me up right now
EB: gosh, don't be such an asshole.
TG: no can do
TG: baby i was born this way
TG: idk
TG: whatever you choose to do im gonna back you
TG: but
TG: im not so sure i can endorse anything that makes you vomit because youre so shit-scared of fucking it up
EB: i'm not going to stop just because i'm scared.
TG: but what if it hurts you
TG: shit what if it doesnt just hurt you in terms of a few stomach upsets here and there
TG: its starting to seem way more real now that youre doing interviews and shit
EB: that's just a risk i'm going to have to take.
EB: my attorney will tell me how to handle it.
EB: everything's gonna be fine.
EB: and i'm not going to let the thought of getting beat up again get in my way.
TG: why do you have to be so goddamn brave all the time
EB: but i'm not brave all the time.
EB: it's been a long time since i've been brave.
TG: youre brave whenever you get the chance to be
TG: which is pretty much the definition of being brave in the first place
TG: john i just
TG: i dunno
TG: im not okay with the thought of you getting hurt over this
EB: people get hurt for shit like this every single day of their lives.
EB: if i have the chance to help them, why shouldn't i take it?
TG: i get that but
TG: jegus
TG: i feel like the dame in some depression-era blockbuster watching her husband go off to war
EB: you don't have to feel that way, not if you're by my side.
EB:...will you be?
TG: always
The immediacy with which the word had been typed sent a pang of relief and adoration to John's heart, and he stared at it for almost a minute, overwhelmed with the feeling that made his chest ache almost painfully. His fingers moved over the keyboard before he had a chance to think.
EB: dave, i love you.
EB: i love you so much i don't know what to do with myself.
TG: jeez egbert youre getting sap all over me
TG: its a bitch to wash out
TG: but yeah for the record the feelings mutual
TG: thats whats so scary
EB: what's so scary about it?
TG: once you open yourself up and start loving people suddenly you dont just have to worry about yourself anymore
TG: and hell its somehow worse than if i got hurt
TG: i dont know how id handle if something really bad happened to you
EB: i'll be really careful, i promise.
EB: and when you get here you'll just have to watch my ass and make sure nothing happens to me, hehe.
TG: im not gonna let anything happen to you while im around
TG: free bodyguards for egberts
EB: um
EB: your flight information says you're gonna be staying for a week and a half.
EB: do you want
EB: to stay longer, maybe?
TG: i
TG: id be cool with that yeah
TG: provided youre not gonna get sick of me beating your ass at everything
TG: were still having those lessons where i teach you badass fighting moves btw
TG: that didnt cease to be part of the itinerary
EB: i'm looking forward to it!
EB: and hey, if you teach me how to defend myself you won't have reason to be so worried about me anymore, right?
TG: i guess ill worry just a fraction less
EB: only a fraction?
EB: either you're a shitty teacher or you have very little confidence in my abilities!
EB: though i guess i'd understand if you didn't have confidence in me, hehe.
EB: i'm not very strong.
TG: youre plenty strong
TG: hey youre probably even stronger than i am but dont let it get around
TG: but im gonna worry a lot even if you were the fucking hulk
EB: bro if i was the hulk you wouldn't have to worry at all!
EB: but you really think i'm stronger than you?
EB: i couldn't defend myself from those guys.
TG: they caught you off guard
TG: youre like the dude in that one disney movie that i completely forget the name of
TG: youve got all this power but you just dont ever use it
TG: maybe cause youre too nice
EB: i don't even know what disney movie you're talking about. but i don't know... i mean i guess i was pretty strong back in the game.
EB: not nearly as strong as equius, haha.
EB: but i don't know, i always just assumed it was because of sburb. it wasn't actually me.
TG: your dads a strong guy right
EB: yeah? i guess so.
EB: usually he just bakes so it's kind of hard to tell, hehe.
TG: way you told it in terms of pranking practice he sounded pretty tough
TG: stands to reason hed bring his kid up to be the same way
TG: but yeah regardless
TG: i just dont want you to get hurt ok
TG: promise me youll keep your head low as one possibly can when theyre being the public figurehead for bullied gay kids
EB: thanks, dave.
EB: i will do my best!
EB: my dad's already said he's going to be dropping me off and picking me up from work.
EB: i'm not going to go anywhere unless i'm with him, okay?
TG: ok that makes me feel a little better
EB: good!
EB: oh
EB: i think i just dozed off for a second there.
EB: i'm feeling a little woozy.
TG: kid you should get some rest
TG: hey its not so long until i dont even have to tell you that on a screen
TG: excitement abounts
EB: i am
EB: excited
EB: really really excited.
EB: eheh only a week now.
TG: meetups like this dont even happen in real life
TG: most of the time
EB: we're just speical
EB: *special
EB: ok dave i need
EB: sleep
TG: heh ok ill let you go
EB: i'll tlak to you
EB: tomorrow
TG: goodnight john
EB: after the press conference.
TG: dont wear yourself out ok kid
TG: and good luck tomorrow
EB: too late hahaha
EB: thank you.
EB: goodnight dave!
TG: night bro
TG:...
TG: love you
EB: hehe love you too.
– ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –
"And now we have seventeen-year-old John Egbert of Maple Valley joining us for a special interview after a trying week. Tuesday, on his way home from work John was allegedly attacked by four of his peers because of a rumor stating that John has a boyfriend. John, how are you holding up? Are the bruises healing?"
John was wide-eyed, trying to keep his gaze on the reporter but finding himself distracted by the large camera recording their every move and the dozens of people waiting and working and watching on the set. He had thought that he would be free to go home after the press conference, but Carolyn had surprised them with a very special interview on the five o'clock news. John fiddled nervously with his shirt sleeve.
"U-Uh," he said, and his eyes found Carolyn on the sidelines. She gestured at him to get ahold of himself, and gave him a thumbs-up. He swallowed and turned back to his interviewer. "I'm doing alright. It still hurts when they get bumped, but most of the time I forget they're there."
"Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. Now, how did it happen? Did they know you were going to be there?"
"Yeah, I guess it's pretty common knowledge that I work at the bookstore."
"But what would have caused them to want to attack you that day? Was it solely because of that rumor?"
"Um, well… The night before it happened I had been texting another classmate—a girl—and I mentioned my boyfriend to her briefly. When Daniel and his friends attacked me, he said that she'd told him about it. I don't know if she was upset that I was already taken or disgusted that I'm dating a boy, or a mixture of both, but as far as I can tell, she wanted me to get hurt because of it."
"No one else knew about your boyfriend?"
"It had been a secret," John mumbled, embarrassed. The nausea was starting to return. "I hadn't even come out to anyone until this happened."
"Your bravery is admirable, coming here and letting the world know your story. Is it relieving to not have to lie anymore?"
John swallowed heavily, his hand moving to hold his stomach. He was glad at least that he had perfected the art of the fake smile. "Yeah, I'm happy to finally be myself. It's scary to think about how many people are out there, unable to do the same because they only expect hatred. I just wish we could live in a world where teens don't have to worry about getting beat up or called nasty things just because of who they love."
"Well, even the biggest movements start small. You'll be a hero to a lot of boys and girls out there when you win the court case next Wednesday."
"Haha, I'm no hero, really. I just have something worth fighting for."
The interviewer smiled. "Thank you for joining us, John. Next, we have Steve Pool with the weather. How are things looking for this week, Steve?"
As soon as the camera cut over to weather, crew members were rushing up to the desk, pulling John away and refreshing the news anchor's makeup. Everything seemed to be moving so quickly around him, the lights were bright and smells of perfume and recording equipment were strong, and Carolyn was waving him over, but he needed a bathroom and fast.
He wondered vaguely as he bent over the toilet how many more times he would have to throw up before his body grew accustomed to this sort of stress. The night before, when Dave and he had had their semi-argument over whether or not this whole effort was too detrimental to John, he had been close to tears, because Dave was right: he was scared to death of messing up. There was so much banking on him doing everything right, on him being dependable and brave and sure of himself. And he didn't really feel like any of those things, not when the world could see his bruises, could scrutinize his sexuality, could make him feel so isolated from normal life.
There was a knock on the door, but seeing as John was currently ejecting his lunch into the toilet, he wasn't exactly able to answer. It opened anyways, and he heard heels clicking on the linoleum floor. "Oh my God, John…" he heard Carolyn breathe, and within seconds she was kneeling next to him, hand on his back. She didn't say anything more, for which John was thankful.
Ten more minutes passed before John felt alright enough to move, and Carolyn helped him up onto shaking legs, then guided him over to the sink. "Wash your mouth out, go on," she said softly. "Your next interview is in twenty minutes and we can't be late."
John heard nothing past "your next interview," and before he knew it everything had gone black.
When John's eyes fluttered open, he was laying in a hospital bed, his father snoozing lightly in a chair beside him. He blinked a few times and sat up. The curtains were closed, but he could see very dim light coming in from the bottom of the window. "Dad," he whispered, and Dad released a quick, hard breath before opening his eyes, immediately focusing them on John, who couldn't help but notice the dark circles beneath them.
"Son, how are you feeling?" he asked, and though his expression was calm, the urgency of his tone betrayed his worry.
John realized he'd been holding his breath and inhaled deeply. "I'm… fine, I think. I have a headache. Wait, dad, why am I in the hospital?"
"After you were on the news, you went to the bathroom to throw up and passed out. The doctor said something about it being a mixture of high stress and dehydration. John," Dad trailed off and sighed. "John, I can't have you keep doing this if this is where you're going to end up. I'm going to have to call Carolyn and tell her that you're done with the media."
"Dad, no," John objected, and before Dad could stand, John grabbed his hand and met his gaze, his own eyes swimming. "Dad, please don't. I'll – I'll get a prescription from the doctor to help calm me down, just please don't make me stop. I have to do this." Finally his head tilted down, eyes shut tightly against the tears that threatened to fall and voice breaking when he repeated, "I have to."
Dad went silent for a long time then, holding onto John's hand as he tried to force himself to stop weeping. When someone finally spoke, it was John again, unable to restrain himself from tearfully exclaiming, "Dad, I'm so sorry—! All I ever do is – c-cause you stress. I-I can't…"
But his coherence fell apart, and Dad quickly moved to the bed to wrap his arms around him, smoothing his hair and making low, murmured sounds of comfort as John sobbed into his shoulder. They stayed that way until John was again overcome with exhaustion and drifted into a restless slumber.
"… treating … unacceptable, I … would do…"
Consciousness was slowly coming back to John, and he clung to the sound of his father's voice, trying to wake himself up, realizing after several minutes that his father was on the phone.
"No, as his father I cannot allow this to continue. Carolyn, he's in the hospital." John stilled and pretended to still be asleep when he saw his father turn to him. "I know that's what he suggested, but he was upset. How is he supposed to make a rational decision after suffering from an anxiety attack? … No, Carolyn, you cannot say that. He is not a toy for you to dangle in front of news reporters, he's still a child, he is a human being with feelings, and I'm sorry but it seems as though you're keen to forget it as long as you can make his case famous."
There was a long stretch of silence and John tried to focus on his breathing, making sure it was even, and nearly jumped when Dad continued speaking, voice oddly resigned. "Look, no… Carolyn, I know that this is important to you – important to a lot of people, I know. I just—yes, I trust him." He sighed. "Yes, I can talk to the doctor. But Carolyn, if something happens to him, so help me, I will… Alright. We'll see you tomorrow."
Dad stuffed his PDA back into his pocket and raked a hand through his hair before quickly returning his fedora to his head. He released a quiet sigh before turning towards the door and shutting it softly behind him.
As soon as John heard the click of the door, he allowed his eyes to drift open. He wasn't one to dwell on pessimistic thoughts, but everything had gone to shit so easily, all because he couldn't control himself. And he was grateful that Carolyn was fighting so hard to give him a second chance, but Dad was right: she didn't seem to be particularly attached to him on any emotional level other than that he was the figurehead that she was shaping him to be. And John didn't know that he could handle the pressure he already put on himself, much less what Carolyn expected of him.
im not okay with the thought of you getting hurt over this
A dull ache arose in John's chest, and his next exhale was shaky. Dave. Fuck, fuck, fuck all Dave was going to be so angry with him, not only for missing their ritual end-of-the-day talk, but shit, he'd gone and done exactly what he promised he wouldn't do by ending up in the goddamn hospital. He sat up and glanced around urgently, trying to find his PDA to text Dave and try to explain, but froze when the door opened again, his father and a doctor stepping through.
"Oh, he's awake," the doctor said cheerily. "How are you feeling, John? Oh, wait, you haven't touched your water since last night! It probably tastes stale by now. I'll be right back with another cup." She flashed them a smile and dipped out of the room, leaving Dad and John to inspect each other for a minute or two.
"I heard you talking to Carolyn earlier," John finally remarked. Dad sighed and his eyebrows rose.
"Of course you did," he replied calmly. "Well, then you'll know that I'm planning on letting you keep on with this craziness. I'm not sure if that makes me a good dad or the worst."
John smiled despite himself and threw the blanket off so that he could stand and walk over to his father, immediately pulling him into an embrace. "You're the best dad anyone could ever ask for," he mumbled into his shirt, and was pleased to hear him mumble in return, "Couldn't do it without you, son."
A moment later and the doctor walked back into the room with a cup of water in one hand and a slip of paper in the other. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, grinning. "You know, I hate to interrupt touching moments like these, but John really needs to drink some water." John shrugged and pulled away from his father. When she handed the cup to him, she said, "Drink it slowly, alright?" He did as he was told as she handed the slip of paper to his father. "This is a prescription for a light benzodiazepine. It should calm him down almost immediately. The dosage will last you up until the day following the trial, and you must be very careful about following the directions. The human body builds a tolerance to benzodiazepines fairly quickly, which can lead to dependence. And we don't want that, do we?"
John smiled and shook his head. "No, ma'am."
"Good. Now you're free to go! Make sure to rest today and drink at least ten to fifteen ounces of water every hour."
They both thanked her before heading out the door.
When they arrived home, John sat in front of his computer, not particularly surprised that Dave wasn't online. If he wasn't still asleep, he was surely out continuing his job search. John sighed lightly and resisted the urge to call him, not wanting to bother him.
Instead he double clicked on Rose's handle, and braced himself for a storm of therapy and sarcasm.
– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -
EB: so...
TT: So it appears you and Dave are a "thing" now.
TT: My sincerest congratulations.
TT: I must admit not expecting his forthcoming display of affection, as stunted and maladroit as it was, but he at least managed to illustrate the point.
TT: He is quite worried about you, by the way.
EB: what? he is?
TT: Indeed.
TT: Of course he didn't say as much, but there was no need.
TT: I can read him so easily; it's child's play, honestly.
EB: wow, i wish i could do that. i'm never really sure what he's thinking!
TT: Be cautious with wishes such as those. Seeing past Dave Strider's near-comical façade is as much a curse as it is a craft.
EB: haha, i can imagine.
TT: Now John, what is it you wanted to tell me?
EB: huh? what makes you think...?
TT: It's quite obvious, John.
TT: Dave doesn't generally worry at all, and he has been behaving in a particularly distressed manner since last night.
EB: shit.
EB: well, i may have just gotten back from the hospital.
TT: Is everything okay?
EB: i guess so.
TT: Are the stresses of taking on a battle for the queer community a bit more overwhelming than you had anticipated?
EB: wait, rose how do you know about that?
TT: I follow an online journal, all of the articles for which are for queer and gender equality issues. Your story just happened to pop up.
EB: gosh, that's a pretty big coincidence!
TT: John, please. Let's not dance around the topic at hand.
TT: Why were you in the hospital?
EB: it wasn't a big deal, rose.
TT: Certainly not. In fact, I may as well return to my knitting, or reading, or any number of things that are infinitely more important than a dear friend having visited a hospital.
TT: Rather, there is nothing I would rather be doing than dignifying my mother's latest attempt at passive-aggressive trappings with my own inconspicuous response.
EB: okay, okay, i get it.
EB: you're right, i was overwhelmed.
EB: i passed out in the bathroom where i was on the news.
EB: but really, i'm fine! the doctor gave me a, uh...
EB: this medicine with a weird, long name that's supposed to help with anxiety.
TT: Benzodiazepine.
EB: yeah! that's the one.
TT: John, I must urge you to be extremely cautious with your medication.
TT: Benzodiazepines have the unfavorable tendency of incurring their users with a strong dependence.
EB: i know, rose! the doctor told me.
EB: it's fine, i'm just taking some this week and after the trial i will no longer need it!
EB: it's only a week.
TT: Alright, John. I trust you.
TT: Now, it pains me to say this but my mother has invited me to a tea party with her colleagues, and after she refurbished my closet with all new clothes for the upcoming school year, I daresay I am obliged to attend, if only to spite her.
EB: i dunno, rose. it sounds like she just wants to spend time with you.
TT: Don't be ridiculous.
TT: In any case, good luck talking to Dave. Do tell me how it goes.
EB: ok, bye rose.
– tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -
John sighed and sat there a few moments more before remembering he was supposed to be drinking water and slowly headed downstairs.
I've been wasting all my time with the devil in the details
I've got no energy to fight
He's a fuckin' pal of mine, that devil in the details
And he's fixing up to take a bite
Devil in the Details, Placebo