Chapter 2 : Tsubaki and I/Future

Wednesday, 28 February.

"I'm beat! No more!"

It was afternoon in the school's library. Everyday since I'm discharged, I started to take supplementary lessons. After that I go to library for "joint study and sharing" with my friends. But most of the time they just spent their time to tutor me.

"Don't stop now! Do you think how many times you have left before the exams!?"

Among them is Kashiwagi Nao, she was the diligent looking girl with ponytail hair. Like the impression she gave by her look, she quite smart and athletic. Her way to teach someone could be described as "effective like first rate teacher, but exhausting like sport coach."

"There, there! Kaori-chan already studying non-stop since school ended. She need some break."

The one that sided with me is Watari Ryota. He is the type that easily befriend girls and quite the fun person if you ask me. Being quite cool and the leader of the soccer club, it only natural that many girls like him.

"But… I suppose you are right. I'm also not taking Kaori frail body into account. To be honest, you're a fast learner."

"Aw come on don't praise me, compared to Kashiwa-"

"But at this rate you'll fail."

"Ugh!"

"Not to mention you're lazy."

"Ugh!"

"Are you even studying if we aren't around?"

"Stop-! Stop! Kashiwagi-san you're being mean! And I'm study at home okay? I'm not that lazy!"

Since I started tutored by her, we start getting closer as friend. Before, I only interact with her when we together with Tsubaki-chan. I'm start to know many sides of her, like how she into BL stuff.

"so you're not denying the lazy part?! Well, anyway it's time for me to go. Watari don't slack around okay? Do your job properly!"

"Of course." The way he said it doesn't sound very convincing.

"Thanks for your hard work." After all she was the one who tutor me everyday, she deserve at least my thanks or something better.

Kashiwagi-san just left the library. For some reasons she can only tutor me until 4 PM, that might also be the reason why she drill me like crazy.

There are reasons why Arima-kun and Tsubaki-chan are absent. For Arima-kun, whenever he around we started talk about music non-stop, that's why Kashiwagi-san ban him to join my tutor because he kept distracting our studies. Tsubaki-chan seems the type that can't study when there are many people around, I admit I was pretty surprised with that since most of the time she enjoy company.

Now only me and Watari-kun left.

"Why Kashiwagi-san always leave early? It's very odd because she very eager to teach me." I started a conversation to Watari-kun, or maybe it just an excuse because I feel tired to study anymore.

"You don't know? Kashiwagi was aiming for a very competitive and famous high school, it seems the requirements are totally high. She might be look calm but actually she is troubled too. I forgot what the school name thought! And if you have an energy to talk you better save it for studying." As usual Watari-kun like to add jokes in his conversation.

"Ahahaha! Aren't it was supposed to be very famous? How could you forgot?"

"I mean this Watari-san have consulted too many girls about their future choice! How could I remember every single of them? Ah that's wrong, you must substitute the mass before equating the potential energy."

"Ahahaha! Geez!"

He is very fun and nice person, I can see why he was so popular with girls. Not only that, he also quite the effective tutor too. Unlike certain person who constantly whine about everything!

"What about you Watari-kun? You seems very carefree about your future."

It only natural. After all the super diligent Kashiwagi-san also troubled with her own future. Why on earth this guy totally carefree?

"Ah, I already decided to enter a sport school in Tokyo. You see I get direct invitation to join them. I don't know what they saw in me because I'm never won any tournament unlike Kousei. But my good grades might help thought."

"Wow…. That super great! A direct invitation!"

I already know he was quite smart and have scholarships, but to think he got a direct invitation… He must be train and study really hard.

In the first place, to enter a sport school just being good at sports is not enough. Being exceptionally talented is one thing. But other than that, athletes must able to decide what tactic they need to use, or in other word- academic skill.

"You are so cool Watari-kun, awesome!"

"…"

However as I kept praising him, a silent atmosphere struck the entire library.

"Watari-kun? What's wrong…?"

"You know, you can drop it off."

What did he mean by drop it off?

Of course, I know what he talking about.

He talking about my lie.

"…, You find out? Since when?"

"Having many relationships with girls make me knew them better than themselves, that include you. I started to notice that you easily laugh with my jokes and agree with me. It totally unnatural." The usual goofy Watari-kun become a bit heavy in his word.

"Well, I'm totally support you guys hooked up anyway! So good luck!" he added it and restore the mood.

"Whhhh… You totally know everything!" my face bright red as he said something insensitive like that.

But even so…

"I'm sorry. For playing with your feeling all the time."

I can't forgive myself after feeling this guilty.

Even he know the truth he kept getting along with it to honor my feeling.

"It's fine! But if there is someone you need to consider her feeling, it might be Tsubaki."

Sawabe Tsubaki, my best friend that introduce me to Watari and Arima-kun. She also my best love rival, even if she doesn't know about it.

"You ask me I'm carefree about the future? I'm more concerned that we can kept our comfortable relationship like this. Among the three of us, she is the one who mentally fragile. She is the type that doesn't understand her own feeling."

"And that was close you know? I know you're in heat and confused but confessing out of the blue?" he added.

"Whhhhaaaa… whaaa… what…" I don't know what to say, because right now I'm totally flustered.

He saw everything inside me!

"I did say I'm support your relationship. But not in that kind of way. Not in the way without taking anyone feeling into account, that just selfish."

During the day I woke up after the surgery, I feel fuzzy and confused. I can't think anything straight, the very sight of him is enough to make all my emotions erupt uncontrollably.

In heat of the moment I nearly confess to him.

But Watari-kun interrupt my thunder.

Indeed if that happen, everything will be awkward.

I wiill hurt Tsubaki-chan.

And I can't go back to my past comfortable relationship.

"That's it for today, you better study hard or else you will fail. Think about what I said okay?"

"Yeah…"

That night I kept thinking about what Watari-kun said to me.

Resonating in my head.

Like a trumpet.

Thursday, 1 March

BAAAM!

"Hello! I don't know why but I'm totally hyped for my cram lessons!"

Today was a great day. My supplementary teacher just praise me for my great History and Literature knowledge, it is one of the few subjects that I doesn't need to catch up. He also comment my understanding to Physic just get better from yesterday. When your hard work just showed in your face, it make me realize how effective this "joint study and sharing" thingy!

"Madame Drill! Smiley Face! I counting on you!" I point my finger in front of the door with totally determined face. I look like a delinquent.

"You look awfully hyperactive today…"

The one that answer me is the diligent looking yet scary teacher Madame Drill, or Kashiwagi-san. In her hand there is some kind of cram lesson book designed for entering famous high school, the size of that thing is totally enormous compared to my pebble ordinary book.

"Where is Smiley Face?"

"if you talking about Watari, he say that he can't come today. Geez that guy love doing whatever he want! And stop nicknaming people!"

What Watari-kun planning today? After all his lecture now he just gone somewhere, talk about being irresponsible.

So we start studying today.

I study so hard that before we knew it, it already 4 PM.

Most of the time Kashiwagi-san will leave around this time and Watari-kun's turn to teach me. However since he doesn't come so I suppose we will stop studying early.

"Hei, aren't this is already past the time we usually spend? What about your study, aren't you want to enter prestigious high school or something?"

"So you know about it, huh?"

"I'm sorry, I heard that from Watari-kun."

"No... it's not like I kept it secret or something. I just doesn't feel like it today."

"Heeh..."

I'm genuinely surprised. The diligent Kashiwagi-san just skip studying. Talk about out of character.

"You see… It's not like I really want to enter that school or something. It just my parents are very educative and highly intellectual. Since childhood they already told me that education triumph everything."

"…"

Even a diligent girl like Kashiwagi-san also had many problem. Now I feel ashamed that I once consider gave up as an option.

"So they indirectly told me to enter famed high school and how they would be disappointed if I didn't. It's not like I'm against the idea, but sometimes it tires me. After that Tsubaki introduce me too baseball, I just fall in love with that game- it's to much fun."

Tsubaki-chan, she is a very amazing girl. How can people just rotate around her?

Even Arima-kun and Watari-kun… You had everything that I don't have.

I'm envy her.

Why I can't be in her place?

"Well at this stage it's pretty much decided that my future will be revolved around it. If I want to back off, I should tell my parents sooner. So I just gonna give my best."

Future huh?

How could you can just face your problem like that?

How could you just accepted it?

How could you can casually smile about something your parents forced you to do?

Whenever I see both of them, Watari Ryota and Kashiwagi Nao. I feel there is a large wall that separates both of us. They can face reality and problem without shaken. Compared to me… I'm easily frustrated by everything that doesn't workout to me.

Even I didn't show it to them, whenever they leave I fall into breakdown hoping to end all of those nightmares.

I can only show lies to them.

A beautiful lie about a girl that doesn't know fear.

A blissful lie about a girl that lack of hesitation.

All this time I only want to show off to people, hoping to mislead them to believe what they saw as Miyazono Kaori.

I want them to be the truth.

I want to be that ideal Miyazono Kaori.

I don't want it to be mere lies.

"Now it's time for you to decide your future. At that time you doesn't answer me because you never thought that you will survive, right? But you do, so what do you really want? What do you want to be?"

"I…"

What I really want you say? To play in the same stage with Arima Kousei.

What do I want to be you say? To be a violinist that accompany Arima Kousei.

I'm never thought about it. Most of the time the only thing I chase is Arima Kousei. Whatever I do are for him, for me playing with him in the same stage is my goal. Now that dream is in my grasp, I'm at lost to decide what's next.

"Since you love music, what about to enter a high school with musical prestige?"

"A music school?"

"Well that just my suggestion. If you want to be a professional, I suppose it's the most obvious choice."

"… I don't know."

A music school. Similar to sport academy, it's some kind of institute that not focusing on the students academic ability but instead about their practical skills, in this case- music.

I heard there is a famous music school called Okutsu located outside this prefecture, in Tokyo I believe.

Many Japanese musician graduate from that school. However, I just never considering or even thinking about my future. All of my play are only for Arima Kousei's sake.

"Let me tell you a single advice. We live with other people, what you do and your future affect other people too. For example I already spend a lot of time to teach you, if you enter bad school or something worse I will be extremely disappointed. At least just think about entering a good school for your tutors shake!"

I thought my life will be a short one.

That's why I'm trying to eat whatever I want.

Doing whatever I like.

Without any visible consequences.

Trying to leave a trace of my existence.

But now, as Kashiwagi-san said. My future doesn't concern only myself alone, people around me also affected too.

For example, my parents gonna be super unhappy if I fail a grade.

Or what if, my behavior indirectly hurt someone? Like Tsubaki-chan.

That's why...

I need to change myself.

Ma Fille, Miyazono residence

"I'm home. Mom, dad."

"Oh Kaori, how did your studies today?" it was my mom opening the door. It seems my dad is going out somewhere, the shop already close early.

"It's doing good…" The way I said it isn't very convincing thought.

"That's good to hear. But more importantly, did something bugging you?" of course my mom see through me.

"…"

"You can always consult to mom you know? I'm once a teenager like you."

As mom said it, she ask me to sit next to her. As I sit, I lean my head to her shoulder.

"I just thinking about my future…"

"Oh my, aren't that great?"

"I'm always did everything I want without hesitation, without thinking the consequences. Just by believing it was the right thing to do, I can act without consideration to anyone. But lately everyone start talking about their future plan, what they want to do next, what high school they plan to enter. I feel like, I'm the only one left out."

As I let out my frustration to my mom, my mom pat my head gently.

"And then… There could be someone hurt because of me! What if I end up hurting someone? What if my thoughtless deed bring misfortune to anyone? I… I don't know, I'm never think about it! But then everyone start to bring it to me! So I'm getting more aware that definitely there is someone out there hurting!"

When I think that my action will hurt someone, I can't help too think about my friends.

Especially Tsubaki-chan. Among all of them, I think she was the one that hurt the most by my selfish action.

"You're such a gentle girl Kaori. Mom proud to you, you start becoming a considerate person."

As mom said that, she bring cheesecake and tea into the desk. She cut the cake to pieces enough for two people.

"You see… Everyone have different opinion about being an adult. But for me, the most important factor that you being aware to the other people around you. If there is one weakness you have my dear, that is you lack planning and consideration. Me and your dad want you to have a happy life, so I let you to do everything you please. But as things turning out better than we expect, you must face the consequences."

When my mom told me about it, I can't help to agree with her. She is my mom after all, even the message is the same as what the other has said. It much easier to accept when It spoken from someone that understand me.

The message still the same.

She told me to prepare the future.

She told me to face the consequences.

"Aren't you too… Hurt because of it?"

"Eh?"

"You cry just now, so it means that you also hurt because of it. You don't want someone hurt, you want everyone being happy. If both you and that person also hurt, aren't you two in the same boat? People with similar problem can connect with each other."

Me and Tsubaki-chan, are the same?

"Then, I think you two can resolve this, it's not to late."

-Tsubaki and I/Future END-

Hello again, Feelism is here!

Reading other people's fiction just make me grin, it's crazy how one show ending can create a lot of these amazing fics. When I read other fiction with similar theme as mine (Kaori survival), I was like "so you can go into this kind of route too! I'm never think about it!" After all we love the same show. Naori Arakawa is one hellish mangaka!

The center of this chapter are Tsubaki, even thought she doesn't show up in this chapter. I'm once say that Kaori past actions will be an important plot point, well this is one of them. I don't know what to say- but hereby I officially start the first (mini) arc, the Tsubaki arc!