Chapter 8: Bloody, but unbowed
Jane finds her favorite spot and starts dragging her index finger from Maura's right hip bone to her naval, when suddenly Maura grabs her wrist firmly, and pants: "Not there tonight, okay?"
"Sure", Jane breathes, too absorbed in her task to give it much thought, and just keeps on kissing Maura's neck and jawline the way she knows will get her a reaction. At one point, as she has to steady herself by putting a hand onto the mattress, next to Maura's hip, the smaller woman promptly catches her wrist for the second time.
"I'm not gonna touch you there", Jane chuckles, and lowers herself onto Maura's naked form, her elbows now on each side of the doctor's upper body, supporting her weight.
As soon as she gets this close, though, she becomes more aware of the details that are different tonight. Maura's heart is racing under Jane's fingertips, too fast to blame it entirely on excitement, and her breathing comes in quick gasps that are way past pants of pleasure.
Jane sits up so quickly, she actually gets a head rush. "Maura, are you afraid?" She does not dare to add 'of me', but her incredulous and frightened tone must say it all.
"No", Maura doesn't miss a beat, still her body betrays her. She is shivering from head to toes.
"What's going on?" Jane asks, worry seeping into every bone.
"Nothing!" Maura sits up herself and tries to pull Jane back into a kiss. Yet, Jane realizes she has never seen her act the way she does tonight. She has seen Maura fierce, demanding, provoking, passionate, and taking pride in guiding Jane through pleasurable experiences the detective had no idea existed. But tonight, for the first time, Maura is submissive.
"Maur", Jane whispers, because she does not have the heart to tell Maura that they cannot do this, that she will not do this.
"Keep going", Maura tries to encourage her, but her shaky voice has the opposite effect.
"I can't. Not when you feel and look like this."
"I'm not afraid of you", Maura pleads. "I'm simply afraid of change."
"Of what?"
"Change", Maura repeats, desperate.
"Change of what, Maura?" Jane asks, frustration evident in her voice.
"Anything. No, actually everything."
.
It is a Thursday when Maura tells Jane, "You should take my session with Dr. Larkspur tomorrow at 2 p.m."
"Right, and you should take my appointment with the end-of-the-week-paperwork, also at 2 p.m." Yet when Jane sees Maura's face, she adds, "And somehow, you're not joking."
Dr. Larkspur and Jane do meet the next day in the therapist's office. To Jane's surprise, the elegant looking woman is at least ten years younger than her. They shake hands, greet each other with "It is very nice to meet you" and "Likewise", and sit down on opposite sides of a designer sofa. Coffee and water are waiting on the table for Jane, who was twelve minutes early to their agreed meeting.
"I have to admit, Maura and you are disconcerting me", Jane says, dead on serious.
"I apologize, Detective. Without a question, this is a delicate situation. Dr. Isles was afraid you'd feel ambushed, but she still felt more comfortable to go about it this way."
Jane is instantly fond of Dr. Larkspur's manner to not beat around the bush, and of the way she does not interrupt her speech to study Jane's face for whatever reaction she might expect.
"She is on the verge of facing something different than why she initially chose to go to therapy", the doctor explains. "I don't mean to sound cryptic. The thing is, I actually don't know any details. She wanted you to be the first person to tell."
"Are you talking about some form of abuse?" Somehow Jane knows.
"Yes", the therapist states. She does not say she is sorry and Jane is very, very grateful for that and has come to respect this woman in just a few seconds.
"She's been neglected by her parents", Jane says, but she is not really sure where she is going with this. It certainly does not explain, nor justify anything.
"Detective?"
Jane's eyes shoot up to the younger woman's face as she realizes she has been staring at the coffee table and, in fact, zoned out a little.
"This is a lot to take in." The woman hands Jane an envelope. "Dr. Isles has written a letter to you and she would like you to read it here, in my office, in case you feel like talking afterward. But if you don't, then that is perfectly fine as well."
"I... I'm..." Jane barely registers that she is staring into space again. Suddenly, Dr. Larkspur gets up and opens a window. Fresh air and street noises rush in.
The world is still there, still spinning.
"May I suggest something?" the therapist asks, not too forward, yet not tentatively either. Jane only finds herself able to nod. "Read her lines while standing by the window and have some coffee. I will be back in five minutes to see whether you need more time or anything else."
With another nod from Jane, the younger woman leaves the office.
.
When Dr. Larkspur returns after the announced amount of time, Jane is staring out the window. She seems stoic, but there is a turmoil of emotions inside of her. She wonders whether she should cry, or scream. She wonders why Maura made her read those lines in a therapist's office, yet she wishes she could simply respect any decisions Maura has made and will make concerning the matter.
"I have to admit, I haven't been that scared in a long time", she says to the garden behind the house. Since she is confronted with something so ghastly, maybe she can pretend she is talking to something natural for a while.
"You were white as a sheet when I handed you that letter", the therapist remarks and Jane turns to face her. "You look much better now. It comes in handy to be able to pull oneself together that fast."
"Yes", Jane agrees, "especially when you have children." Her eyes grow a little wider at her last word. "Oh, the children. If Maura has to go through something like that, it will-"
"-affect them, yes", Dr. Larkspur finishes. "Which is another reason why Dr. Isles wanted me to talk to you." She straightens a little. "I believe in a holistic approach when it comes to these kind of complex topics that have a very deep impact on a person. This process will ask a lot of you and your family, even if Dr. Isles should, after a while, decide not to pursue the subject."
"You think she'd back out?"
"Back out of what?"
Jane is not surprised that the doctor has immediately caught on the deeper meaning of her question. She has walked into the question, and finds herself wishing to avoid an answer. "Everything", she admits after a moment. "Therapy. Coping. …us."
"It doesn't seem to me that she hasn't already been coping with the matter. She's working on putting it into the bigger picture."
"Okay..." Jane takes a seat on one of the sofas again. She sits up straight, composed. She takes a strange pride in being able to really listen and think clearly right now. To not shut down or run away instead. "I'm sorry, but I don't really get what you mean by 'bigger picture'."
"Well, I cannot paint it for you in-depth, because I won't share any of my knowledge about Dr. Isles that she has not explicitly asked me to share."
"I respect that."
"However, if I may ask you something, I believe you'd see for yourself."
Jane considers the younger woman for a moment, trying to figure out whether she is merely playing a game. She ends up acknowledging the fact that this woman made her feel taken seriously and approached her with honesty and respect.
"I'd do anything when it comes to Maura. So, shoot", Jane states and the therapist smiles softly.
"Have you witnessed her giving up control?"
Jane immediately thinks back to the time Maura shouted at her in anger to stay away from her injured father. And the time Maura sagged into her arms after realizing how foolish she had been to trust Dennis.
"A few times", Jane says. "I would call it losing control, though."
"You've been there when she lost control?"
"Mostly, I guess. There's only one other person I can think of right now, who's seen Maura lose her cool, or even break down – Hope, her biological mother…"
"This is a very important distinction you made. It would be good, really productive, if Dr. Isles could work on deliberately giving up some of her control, instead of losing it. From what she has told me, you appear to be the one person she would experience this with."
Jane nods, deep in thought. "So you think the way Maura sometimes lets go in front of Hope is because of the hopes and wishes she's got regarding the relationship with her biological mother?"
"You seem to know her very well", the doctor remarks. Jane almost adds 'obviously, not well enough', but she knows that, despite this sudden bitterness, she really does know Maura. And she really can do this. They will be able to deal with this.
"I hated that metaphor with the stones", Jane drops after they have already said their goodbyes. The startled look she receives from the therapist satisfies her deeply.
.
She finds Maura in her office. The medical examiner is standing next to her desk, God only knows for how long already. She is nervously tapping the surface with her index finger. The blinds are drawn and Jane understands the doctor prepared the room for a scenario she does not want anyone to see. The tension there could be cut with a knife.
"I love you", Jane says. She figures this is the most important thing. Maura starts crying immediately, face into her hands, and Jane realizes she has not seen Maura shed a single tear in a very long time. Not even when Eli died. The decision to work on breaking down her walls seems to have led her to being more controlled than ever.
Jane only takes the time to pull the door shut behind her, and then rushes over to the shaking woman, embracing her. When Maura's hands go to her back and pull her closer, she gets overwhelmed with emotions herself.
It takes them a long time to calm down. When they do, they find themselves sitting on the floor, backs to the desk. Maura is the first one to speak.
"There's so much I want to say."
"Yes. I do too."
"I don't know where to start."
"I know. It's okay."
"I have arranged for Mariam to stay longer tonight and put the children to bed", she explains. "I hope that's alright with you."
"It is." Jane has her arm around Maura and is softly rubbing her shoulder.
"I have prepared some coffee over there for us." Maura's head nods in the direction of the sofa, but neither of them feel motivated to move.
"Dr. Larkspur and you have prepared well for this day", Jane tries a mild joke, but is touched by how both women considered her.
"I also made dinner reservations for us."
Jane immediately wants to ask whether Maura is sure that this is what she really wants tonight, but ends up biting her tongue instead. With every fiber in her body she wants to show Maura that she trusts her, trusts each and every decision she makes.
Maura, however, notices the tightening of Jane's jaw and explains, "I really want to do something nice this evening."
Jane gets that. And ultimately, she craves for something nice too.
A/N: A hiatus will follow, coz I'm going on vacation and for the first time in forever I won't take my notebook with me. See you in August!