CHAPTER 4

Levi woke up before me. Oops. So much for keeping watch. He didn't wake me up though, and when I did, I found myself in the same position I last remembered. I lifted my head up from Levi's chest, and looked up at his face, then buried it back into his shirt. "I don't want to go," I murmured.

"But we have to."

"Why do they ruin our lives?"

"Because…"

"Because?"

He lifted my head up, and brushed my cheek softly. "You're so childish sometimes Petra."

"I know, but I'll be fine in combat."

The sun had set, so I assumed I had slept for about three hours, maybe a bit more. It was a misty night, and was pretty chilly. The moon was out, but gave out little light, the fog covering it up, like a cloth.

Reluctantly, I let go of Levi, and sat up on my own, stretching. I felt full of energy, like if a titan were to come, I would kill it without hesitation, in one swipe of my blades. I smiled to myself, then stood up, ready to continue our trek back to the walls.

Levi stood, looking the same as always––looking neat, like he had just gotten himself ready in the morning, when in reality, we had been fighting titans for a day or two. He rubbed the back of his neck, then walked over to Besen, pulling her back over with him. "We'll ride her until we see the sun start to rise, then, if we're not already back near the walls, we'll find a place to hide until the night, where we can rest, then get ready to finish this shit up at night."

"Sounds good, heichou." I replied sternly. I was still a member of his squad, and surviving this expedition was essential.

I got onto the horse first, adjusting myself further up the saddle so both of us would fit on. Besen nickered when I got on her, unfamiliar with me, and I was filled with sudden fear, frozen like a rock…petrified. Memories of my childhood flashed before me, and my hands let out, the reins falling.

Levi caught them deftly, calming Besen as he did so. "Don't worry." he swung himself up onto Besen, still holding the rope. "I'll take care of it." he took the other side of the reins with his left hand, encircling me.

Then he snapped the reins, and we rode off.

A little later, I was holding the map and the compass in both my hands, trying to find the quickest and safest route back to the walls. "We can enter back through Zhinganshina, the closest district to us. If we have enough gas, we can try to scale the walls, but there'll probably be titans. Otherwise, if the Garrison spot us, they might open up the gate, and we'll be back in."

"Excellent." Levi commented, his voice neutral once more––this was business. "We have no time to waste. Our goal would be to make it back to the walls before morning, if not, we'll have to spend another day out in Titan Country."

I nodded, then stared back out in front of us. We were once again back in the grassy plains, a thick white layer covering the surface, giving the illusion that we were ghosts of some sort. Though the tension was bursting, and we were depending on Besen to get us out of Titan Country, I knew that she liked Levi, and that that was enough to get us back…but still, ever since what happened back then, I can't really trust horses the way I used to.

I found myself repeatedly fingering my now short hair, thinking back to when it was long, and almost feeling like something was just a little missing. I sighed silently, then glanced back at the map. If we continued at this constant pace, we will most likely make it back to the walls before morning, maybe just a bit after, but we should still be fine.

We kept riding in near silence. Adrenaline pumped through my veins as we rode, and I felt no need to sleep. The cold wind whipped past me, my cheeks feeling numb, but this only gave me a sense of exhilaration. I wouldn't let the titans get to me anymore. They were dumb, yes, and their size was the only thing that protected them from our completely slaughtering them. Don't think humanity won't come back fighting. I thought to myself, creasing my eyebrows, with a cocky smile on my face. We won't take any of your bullshit anymore. We know more and more about you everyday, every expedition. Don't be surprised the day that none of you are left.

My fists clenched, and the map crumpled slightly under my grip. I grit my teeth together, staring into the dark horizon. Humanity will fight back, and we will regain what was once ours. The map crumpled some more.

Levi placed his hand over mine, and the tension in my hand relaxed just a bit. "Don't worry about the titans."

"I'm not. They should be worried about us." I said bitterly.

Levi paused, almost in shock. "Petra…"

"Don't go on bullshitting me with all that 'I'm acting weird' crap. I'm down cowering, Levi. Don't you understand, I am trying to help humanity!"

"...I see Petra, but I do understand where you are coming from."

"Good, then why are you not supporting me?"

"I don't disagree that we shouldn't be planning the biggest attack on titans, but why are you acting so strange? Why so bitter?"

Bitter?...bitter…why so bitter?

His question struck me, like he had just slapped my head, hard. I was filled with shock, and my mind had a blank. "Bitter?" I murmured. Then I thought back to Carter…Carter, whom I couldn't avenge, no matter how hard I tried… "I'm not bitter Levi, is it wrong to want to protect humanity? Is it wrong to want to exterminate them…and anyways…you'd never understand."

"Petra, you don't know what I've been through. I'll understand what you have to tell me. If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to." he took his hand off of mine, his voice growing colder. "You may think that you're the only one who has lost people dear to them, but you're not. I've experienced more hardships than you can imagine. I only hope that you'll realize how vengeful you've suddenly become, and realize that the world isn't just about you."

I immediately felt guilt as he said those words, and my head lowered just a bit. Was he right? That I had turned into an angry vengeful idiot?

"People can only run on anger for so long, then they just blow out." Levi said. I felt a tear trace down my cheek. Running on anger… I looked behind me, and locked eyes with Levi. "But it is your choice you become Petra."

I froze, feeling angry at Levi, and relief that someone knew what I was feeling. I stared at him, that single tear still dropping down my cheek. Were his words too harsh, or would they true?

I left it there, not daring to wipe up my tear. I turned back, and snapped the reins, hard. Besen nickered in anger, but proceeded to gallop faster. I leaned forward, trying to ignore Levi's presence, but I knew it'd never go away. His comment would haunt me if I kept going like this.

"You don't have to be this way, Petra. You can tell me, or maybe not even me—just tell someone."

"I don't need help, Levi." I said finally, choking back several sobs. "You think you're helping me, but you're really not. I've managed without telling anyone for so many years, I think I'll be fine."

Besen entered the small patch of trees in front of us, and I gazed around at the desolate area. If humanity were to reclaim this area, we would prosper.

Then, I glanced back furiously at Levi, then lifted my chin up as I gazed ahead of me. This was a good stretch of trees, which turned into a village later on. I didn't need Levi.

I took out the handles of my blades, and set two new blades into place. "If I get off, Besen will be able to go faster." I spit at him. I shot off before Levi could say anything, shooting ahead of them. I heard Levi scream something, almost inaudible. The wind blew through my short hair, making my cape flow behind me. It'd never felt so good to be back in the skies again!

The cold air streamed across my face, calming me, like a splash of cool water on a hot day. I closed my eyes, and smiled.

I shot myself onto the roof of a building, and start running, my swords trailing behind me, just like they taught us when I was a trainee. I completely ignored Levi, and a layer of fine mist covered him, so that I could only see his hair the head of his horse occasionally.

I remembered trying out the equipment for the first time, realizing how free I had felt since my brother's death. This must've been how he felt everyday, venturing out the walls. This was why he joined the Survey Corps. This was the reason for it all. Now I understood, he joined the Survey Corps to be free. The titans were nothing more than an obstacle, and this was the freedom every human being should feel.

I shot myself across to another building, flinging myself back, laughing. I didn't need Levi. I didn't need anything. All I wanted was this. This, for the rest of my life.

I hit the glass without realizing, crashing through the window of the two story building. I tumbled on the hardwood floor, in shock.

I finally stopped, and quickly stumbled back up to a standing position. I put my swords away, and held my hand to my head. Was I...bleeding?

"Petra!" I heard Levi call out. I walked around the room, like a drunk, trying to reorient myself. Where was I? Where did I land?

My vision was slightly blurry, but I managed to stumble around onto a bed. As soon as I sat down, a cloud of dust came up, and I started hacking. I pushed my way out of the dust, and stood in the corner of the room. I gazed around. It looked just like a bedroom, a child's maybe? The were worn pieces of paper tacked up to the walls of this room, and what looked like scribbles or drawings on it. The sun had bleached it, and the color almost completely faded. I walked up to one, and stared at it, trying to make out what was on it.

It looked like a small house was drawn on it, and next to it a giant being…a giant being…a titan.

I backed away in shock, and hit a bookcase, sending several books flying to the ground. "Ow," I muttered. It was already bad enough that I was bleeding.

I turned around, scanning the room. The dust had settled, but all these books strewn to the ground. I picked them up, fingering through them, full of sudden hope. In the past, none of these villages had anything significant, but what were these?

Many of them were just children's fairy tales, with the princess in the tower, so they were truly of no interest. I shelved them back where it seemed appropriate, but as I did so, I noticed a small box, covered in a thin blanket of dust sitting on the shelf.

I picked it off the shelf, and brought it with me, back to the bed. I tried opening it, but a small lock kept it shut. Impatiently, I slit the box open with one of my blades. Metal flew across the room.

I opened it, desperately hoping that the child who once lived here left some clues for us. Inside, there was a small notebook. I took it out hastily, placing it onto the bed. Inside there was also a silver chain, most likely a bracelet, a couple of letters, and what looked like a small knife.

I laid them all carefully on the gray sheets, and shut the box. I looked at it more carefully. It was handpaint by a skilled hand, covered with a light green color, decorated with small golden flowers which looked real. I'd never seen flowers like those before. I had to keep this box too, it'd make Hanji go hysterical. I picked up the notebook, covered in black leather.

It looked so well preserved. Yes, the box had done its job. I opened to the first page, and flipped through the book to see when it stopped. Near the middle. The person had done a good deal of writing before they locked it away. It must've been a diary.

I turned back to the first page, and began to read it. The first entry talked of nothing but young trivial matters. She—it's definitely a girl writing—sang about the birthday presents she received, this notebook being one of them. Excited, she decided to write, and told me about her crush, her friends, and what it was like celebrating her thirteenth birthday in the year 743. 743…843 was just a year ago. And if it was 743…that means it was right before the human race was driven behind the three walls that stand today. A shiver ran up my spine, and I continued to read.

In the next entry, she told us about how her father had been called to go fight these mysterious beasts that suddenly showed up. They were declared not dangerous to the public, but everyone was still worried. Many had already left the area, seeking a new place to live. She talked about how her father left her and her younger brother the night after her birthday, giving her a small decorated dagger he'd received from his own father as a boy. The entry ended there, and by the wrinkle on the page that none of the other pages before had, I was guessing she'd cried a lot, and that the tears had made the pages dry funny.

The door slammed open, letting in more light. I lifted my head up, my sword already in hand. I scrambled up. "Levi…" I said. My gaze shifted downwards, almost in shame.

"Hey Petra, why'd you run off like that?" he demanded. I looked up at him, a drop of blood falling onto my cheek. "You're usually the one that complies to my orders the most, so why'd you do that? You know the consequences, and you know what was expected when you joined my squad."

I stared into his eyes, still holding my blades in hand. "I didn't run off, I just—"

"No." Levi cut me off. His expression: furious. "You did. By going off without permission, I consider that running off. What if you had run into another titan? The fog would've kept me from have a clear view of the titan. What's even worse is that you'd pick a dirt hole like this to land in. When she heard the glass, Besen ran off. I had no choice but to let her go. I have no idea where the hell she is. Jeopardizing our lives isn't what it means to dedicate your heart to humanity. Jeopardizing our lives is just stupidity." the tension in that last word resonated through the room, once again shocking me.

"Now, you're bleeding. Your head." he sighed. He ripped my cape off of me, and tore the bottom of the fabric off, dropping the rest of my cape onto the bed.

He walked up to me, wrapping the green fabric around my head like a bandage. He did it like he's done this before, so many times. I didn't dare look at him as he did so.

He tied the knot, and dropped back, gazing at his work. It was already staunching the flow of blood, which was good I guess.

"There are so little hours left before the sun rises." he sighed. "If Besen had stayed—if you didn't run off—we would've been back to the walls before sunrise. At this point, I think it's just better if we keep going. We don't have enough food and water to last through two more days of rest. You'll just have to tough it. Get ready to go. We'll try to find somewhere to stop before morning, before the titans can see us again." he stormed out of the room, and I heard his boots slamming against the wooden steps.

Finally, I turned around, and packed all of the items back into the box. I threw my cloak back on, and clutched the box tightly as I walked downstairs, back outside.

When I arrived downstairs, Levi was waiting there, checking how much gas he had left. I did the same, and it was only then that I realized how much was gone. If I kept using it the way I just had, there was no way I'd make it back up the walls.

Levi looked at me when I came, and we started walking through the village.

I no longer felt alive in this cold weather. Now, it was nothing more but something that kept me from staying warm. I shivered, grateful that I had taken my cloak, but Levi…

He was his usual self. He looked critically at everything around us. I gazed back down, pulling the collar of my jacket up.

We walked in complete silence, with nothing but the sounds of our boots on the stones keeping us company. I could already see a small sliver of sun on our right. It was definitely one of the worst things to see then.
Once we reached the edge of the village, it dawned on me how long it'll take to get back to the walls. What had seemed like a hopeful prospect had become nothing more than a hopeful wish. I found myself wishing that I'd never gotten off the horse. If I had just stayed on Besen, we could've been that much closer to the walls, that much closer to home.

Levi walked in long strides, and at times, I'd almost have to run to catch up with him. He had his blades out already, prepared to kill anything that moved.

"I wonder, Petra." he said. "Why you became so vengeful. A kindhearted girl, I had been told. A hard worker, excellent in groups. What happened?"

I buried my chin into the green fabric, ready to hide. "Well, heichou, it's a long story." I whispered.

"Well, Petra, it's a long way back to the walls."

"I guess so…" another pause.

"I hope you don't hate me right now."

"No, no. I could never hate you."

"Then perhaps it would be good for me to understand your past, what you've been through. Maybe we should both try to understand each other better."

I puffed out a white cloud into the cold night air, looking up into the receding moon. "It all started when I was three."