Author's Notes
Okay, this is the fourth time I've written this chapter. I originally wanted it to be a bonus chapter during your wait, but I just decided to make it a real chapter, so this is chapter 9!
Thank you for all you kind comments, they make me really happy when I read them!
I'm sorry for this hiatus, but I have been doing research! (Which really just means that I've been rewatching SNK, hehe.)
Yeah, I just realized that not everything is in the correct chronological order, so sorry about that. ((,))
CHAPTER 9
When Hanji told me that we had to attend the charity ball, initially I didn't know what to say.
There wasn't much for me to say, though. It was mandatory for me to go, being a part of Squad Levi. So, the day of the party, I waited in my house for Hanji and Nanaba to come. I had expected them to come at a time nearer to the party, so we'd all go together. That didn't happen. They came a couple hours earlier, carrying boxes of clothing and makeup.
During the next hours, they were busy fitting me into dresses, and while Hanji exclaimed in excitement, saying that if we received enough funds, she had the greatest machines in mind.
"They'll all be ours! Imagine Petra!" she cried out, buttoning the back of my dress. In her excitement, she nearly pulled me down to the ground, much to Nanaba's dismay.
"Hanji, calm yourself." Nanaba said quietly, wiping off the smudged lipstick from my cheek.
Hanji seemed shocked—more from the fact that Nanaba was working more quietly than her agitation. She laughed, hitting my back. I groaned silently, and Nanaba—sighing this time—wiped the lipstick from my cheek once again.
When my mother came home, she was shocked to see that I was already dressed up, and had my hair and makeup done. She had a dress in hand, but I could tell she was so much more passionate by the work of my fellow soldiers.
She was so excited when she saw me, that I could see the tears brimming from her eyes. I guess it wasn't often that she saw me in something other than my uniform. In fact, the last time I wore a dress was probably as a child. Dresses and 3DMG don't mix well.
So we got into the coach, and were driven inside Wall Sina. Hanji and Nanaba had prepared themselves, and although the two of them had seemed so enthusiastic before, their energy seemed to have died down.
The ride was fairly short, but we still arrived a bit later than the scheduled time. Hanji dismissed it, saying that we'd have hours to kill before we made our presentation at the end of the night.
Nanaba gazed outside the window. "Hours…" then almost sighing, she gazed back at both of us. "A fine way to kill time, isn't it?"
Hanji shrugged. "You know. It's really different compared to running experiments."
"And so many people live like this everyday of their lives—just dancing, and eating." Nanaba whispered.
I looked at the both of them, surprised by the depth of their conversation. But I guess I shouldn't be. Both of them had been in the Survey Corps so long, seeing their friends die, I'm sure that they didn't always appreciate the oblivion of the people.
We stepped out of the coach, and entered the mansion, filled with people dressed in elaborate clothing. My dress was fairly impressive itself, as were Hanji and Nanaba's. I wonder, where did they get them all?
I shrugged it off, and standing at the top of the stairs, leading down to the ballroom, I gazed down at everyone. People danced, laughing. I saw few of the other Survey Corps members, and once Hanji and Nanaba left my side, I could hardly tell who they were amongst the crowd. It'd be impossible to find anyone else at this point, unless I spent the entire night looking. I'd just have to hope that I'd stumble upon one of them.
So I descended down the stairs, trying hard not to trip in the shoes that Nanaba had given me.
As soon as I stepped down, I felt engulfed by all the people. The music seemed to carry everyone around, and I couldn't help but notice this happy glow that they all had.
So this is how they spend their time here in Wall Sina.
I looked around the room, and noticed the people standing on the sides. Though most were enjoying themselves, I could tell that some of them had a certain unimpressed look to them, as if they'd seen better—which they probably had.
I wove through the throng of people, trying to find a peaceful sanctuary for a few moments. This was all a bit overwhelming.
Finally I found myself in a powder room, how, I don't think I'll ever know, but at that moment, it seemed like a safehaven.
No one else was in the room, so I had the entire place to myself.
Vanities were set in the shape of a horseshoe, each immaculate.
I sat myself down at one of the chairs, and sighed. It would be a long night, especially if I couldn't find anyone else. But I couldn't just hole myself up in here the entire night!
I looked at the mirror in front of me, and stared hard. Was that really Petra Ral in the mirror?
It was the same girl, but she looked as though someone had gotten rid of all the imperfections, glossing her face like a porcelain doll.
I studied her face. But there were still the little defining traits that kept Petra Ral the way she was. Her tangerine hair. The color or her eyes. The shape of her nose.
I tried to sit straighter, and in the mirror, I saw an older version of the girl who had joined the Survey Corps. Did I really change that much?
I looked away, not wanting to see anymore. I walked out of the room, and entered the dance hall once again.
Partners bowed to one another as the dance finished, and I noticed many looking for new partners.
I didn't think I was ready to start dancing, and I tried to avoid being noticed. I passed through everyone, when suddenly I hit someone.
"Sorry!" I stuttered. "I wasn't looking."
Commander Erwin looked in contemplation. "Ah, that's quite alright Petra."
"Commander Erwin." I said, trying to make my voice sound firm again.
"I'm pleased you were able to make it. In fact, I'm glad as many of the Survey Corps came." he cast a sideways glance, and I could tell that he wasn't enjoying the festivities that much. He had just come to help keep the Survey Corps alive, most likely.
"Mm," I replied. "It's a nice change, I suppose. To go from man eating giants to…"'
"A ball in Wall Sina." Erwin finished.
"Yes."
The music started again, and I sighed, preparing myself to finish my escape, when Erwin stopped me.
"Ah, well, while we're here, we might as well dance. May I?"
I took me a moment to realize that he was asking to dance with me, but I quickly realized soon after. I smiled.
"Of course."
We danced across the room, and talked about trivial things. It was one of the first times, truth be told, that I've had such a long conversation with the Commander. He made good company, and I started to realize why he was Commander in the first place.
When I brought up the mention of casualties during the expeditions, his answer was different than I expected. "Ah, yes. It greatly hurts the Corps, and it's not great seeing so many soldiers die. It's a good thing we get new recruits so often however."
His tone carried no sense of sympathy envers the dead. Instead his answer seemed more towards the larger picture—the survival of the Corps themselves. He was a man willing to brush aside their deaths, and think more about the deaths of humanity as a whole.
After we talked of that, I could tell that his mind was no longer on the dance. He was thinking of something more important.
Nearing the end of our dance, he called my name, drawing back my attention.
"Yes?"
"Do you have feelings for Levi?"
His question was so sudden, that for a second I didn't know what to say. All the words that I wanted to say wouldn't come out. Instead, I could feel the warmth spreading across my cheeks.
Did I have feelings for Levi? It'd been a few months since we got back from that fateful expedition. Of course I thought back to the time spent with him, it wasn't something I'd be able to forget, that was for sure. I blinked at the utter silence.
"…why…why would you be asking that?" Good. That would give me more time to think. My mind was racing, thoughts flying everywhere. Where did his question come from? Why is he asking this? were my feelings for Levi still there?
Of course they were. There was no denying that. Whenever I was with, my heart would race. I'd even feel a little embarrassed when someone mentioned his name, my throat would choke up. It was almost as if everything had a mind of its own. I tried so hard to forget him, to move on, to accept him as my Captain, but…but…
"Ah, I was just wondering. You two spent a lot of time together when you were stranded."
I stared at him, pensive. "Yes. Yes we did."
The rest of the time, we were completely silent, moving to the music. I myself didn't pay too much attention either. Instead I looked around. It was nice, I suppose.
I was surprised when Erwin stopped. I looked back up at him, and saw that his head was turned. With a nod of his head, he turned back to me, then smiled.
"I'm glad we had a chance to talk, Petra." then he walked off without another word. The Commander could be a mysterious man.
I began to walk off too, when once again, I was stopped.
"Oi, Petra. You don't want to dance with me?"
My eyes widened.
I turned around, and there was Levi.
He was dressed in a black suit, carrying his trademark cravat, as usual. He gazed at me, and for a second, I could almost swear that he was shocked.
Not waiting to hear my answer, he took me in his hands, and we continued dancing. I felt my cheeks growing hotter, like always when I was with Levi.
My heart skipped a beat at every turn, and my face felt warm. Levi never took his eyes off of my face during the entire dance, despite us not having talked during most of it.
Finally, as I turned, Levi spoke.
"You were dancing with Erwin." he said blandly.
"Uh, yes." I replied, unsure. "He asked me, so I said yes."
"I see."
The music stopped, but Levi didn't let go of me. I didn't dare pull away. For the briefest of moments, it felt like there was only the two of us.
I heard his breathing as we stood there, and we were standing so much closer than when I had been dancing with Erwin.
Levi closed his eyes, then—still holding on to me—led me out of the din. We walked, narrowly dodging people.
My hand was still slipped into his, and my heart was beating so loud, I wondered if he could hear it too.
We walked out outside into a garden. It was so silent, I couldn't believe the change.
It was incredibly dark outside, and it only got darker as we distanced ourselves from the bright house.
Eventually I was only able to discern the vague shapes of trees and shrubs around us, but Levi was still ever so present.
A cool breeze passed, and despite it being colder out here, I still felt warm from everything that was happening.
Levi led me over to a small gazebo in the middle of this labyrinth. Instead of breaking off and sitting down inside, we stood in front of it, the breeze blowing past us.
Levi touched a strand of my hair, and look at it in pure reflection.
"Your hair…" his voice trailed off as he twirled his finger in one of the curls Nanaba had made.
"It's nice." he finished, letting it drop. "I didn't realize you dyed it."
I looked away, gazing at the marble gazebo. "I…I didn't dye it. This is my natural hair color. I've always been uncomfortable since it was so unusual that I dyed it brown. I've…been doing it for a while." I admitted.
My heart stood still when Levi squeezed my hand, and pulled me towards him.
I very literally fell into him, tripping on my shoes.
My mind flashed back to earlier today, when Nanaba and Hanji were fixing me.
Hanji had left the room, in attempt to find something to help fix part of my dress. I was sitting in the chair, my face placid as Nanaba did my hair.
She stood behind me, fixing it up, lifting up a handful of it, then letting it drop.
"Petra." she said. She startled me for a second, but I quickly recovered.
"Yes, Nanaba?"
"Why didn't you tell Levi how you felt." She made her question sound so natural, that it didn't even strike me that odd about how she knew that.
My gaze dropped to the floor.
"He was right." I whispered, feeling like a teenage girl again. "That we shouldn't be too close. If one of us died, it would only hurt us more than it would if—"
"But Petra," Nanaba dropped my hair for good, and walked over so that she was facing me, she pulled a chair up, and sat in front of me.
She looked like her usual calm self, but this time there was a hint of sadness to her eyes.
She sighed. "I'll sound like a hypocrite saying this, but don't you think that it'd hurt you even more if you didn't tell Levi how you felt? If let's say one of you two were to die soon, don't you think the time would be better spent with him, than detaching yourself from him? I think that you'll feel just as sad being without him, if not more."
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Was Nanaba right?
I looked up at Levi, and noticed that he had caught me in his arms. I blushed, and glanced away.
I didn't pull myself back up, and I felt almost unsure about what to do. Nanaba! Where are you when I need you?
I mustered up my courage, and looked back up at him. He had that amused look on his face, and he was staring down at me.
I pushed myself up, but found myself still in Levi's hold.
He looked down at me, his hair falling forward. In the darkness, I couldn't distinguish all his facial features, but I saw an outline. How many times had I looked at him like this?
I blinked away, then gripped tightly on his cravat and pulled him down towards me. I pressed my lips against his, and I could feel his shock. Was this bad?
His hand brushed up to my hair, and I laced my hands around his neck, tugging him towards me.
My heartbeat calmed itself, and all I could focus on for a bit was the warmth of Levi's lips. My grip loosened on his cravat, and Levi took my hand in his, lacing his fingers through me. Levi…
I felt tears that I'd been holding back for the longest of times slip out, and run down my cheeks.
I pulled away, feeling the tears drip down my face, and looked away. I let the tears fall, and stood there, silently.
Levi took my chin in his fingers, tilting it upwards so I'd look up at him. Still, I cast my gaze downwards.
"Petra." Levi paused. "Why are you crying?"
"No reason." I smiled up at him.
He studied my face, then brushed away a tear with a swipe of his thumb. I gazed up at him, still smiling.
I finally started to feel the cold, and shivered lightly. I didn't realize how long we'd been out here. But there's no where I'd rather be.
Levi let go of me, and I opened up my eyes, looking up at him.
"What's wrong?" I asked softly, sounding small and naive.
Levi pulled his jacket off, and wrapped it around my shoulders, hugging me tighter after. I gripped the jacket over myself, and rested my head on his shoulder.
"Are you warmer now?" Levi asked quietly.
I nodded my head softly, and buried my face into his shoulder. "Yes." I whispered.
We stood there in silence, and even though there was something I was burning to say, I didn't say it. I didn't want to ruin this peace.
I nuzzled my head against his white button down shirt, and felt more comfortable than I had all night. I never wanted to leave his side. I never wanted to leave this warmth and comfort.
"Levi," I whispered, breaking the silence.
"Petra," he replied, combing my hair through his fingers.
"I…I love you."
His hands paused for a second, then after a moment's thought, started combing through them again. He hugged me tighter to him, and I closed my eyes again. That answer was enough.