Hazard

Disclaimer

Do not own YYH... It seems like forever since I last wrote a disclaimer. (cries)

Decision

Botan stared into the mirror, her amethyst eyes glowing with fresh tears that she refused to cry. The woman on the other side of the reflective glass was unfamiliar to her. She was a beautiful bride, dressed elagantly in a soft feathery white. It was her wedding day, too. However, she was sad and wistful, filled to the brim with guilt and regrets. Perhaps her mistakes were the very same as Botan's.

"You look lovely, Botan-chan." Ayame commented softly. She was very concerned for her friend. The ferry girl was unresponsive and trapped within a daze of pain and loneliness. It made her problems seem miniscule. "How would like your hair to be styled?" She queried, her voice cracking softly. All Botan did was stare at the mirror. Then, suddenly, her expression changed to one of malice and hatred. She stared at herself with loathing, refusing to drop her gaze or even blink. "Botan!" The next sound heard in the room was a choked sob as Botan collapsed on the ground in a quivering heap.

I feel so helpless. That woman is so somber... Could that really be me? Impossible that I have fallen so low as to become some pathetic weakling. How far have I really fallen? Hiei has given up so much. So much more than I did. I can't believe how selfish and cruel I really am. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall in love with him. I shouldn't have gone to him in my plight.

I felt so alone and I thought that the only one who could understand me was him. He always contained his emotions so well... perhaps even better than Kurama. I thought that he could help me mask the pain. Instead, I cried to him. I asked him for comfort, knowing how hard it must have been on him to give it to me... when no one ever gave it to him. I was such a fool. I couldn't have asked for more happiness than he granted me. Why did I do such a horrid thing? How could I have done such a terrible thing?

"I'm sorry, Ayame. I want to be alone for a little while." The words were edged with invisible blood from the emotional scars that the young ferry girl had inflicted upon herself. Ayame nodded and was about to walk out when she heard her friend's soft voice, tinged with confusion. "Why did you want to help me today? How can you still harbor friendship for me? I'm marrying the man that you love." The dark-haired ferry girl smiled sadly as she looked back at Botan.

"You have caused yourself enough pain to last a lifetime. You've become a person of self-loathing because of your proclaimed 'weaknesses.' What more could I wish upon you when this was not even your fault? You have made yourself miserable even before the wedding. What kind of friend would I be if I abandoned you now?" Her words were far from bitter. Botan softly protested when her friend reached for the door knob.

"Thank you, Ayame-chan. You don't know how much this means to me..." However, she knew that the ferry girl did have some idea. That was why she was willing to do it. Before she left the room and completely closed the door, Ayame gazed at the young bride.

"I will be back in ten minutes with the rest of your things." She said in a semi-cheerful tone as she closed the door. Botan sat up, feeling slightly nauseous. Her eyes watered again for the millionth time that very morning.

"I don't know how long I can take this..." She mumbled to herself. She forced herself to her feet. She had to endure it. After today was over, she could feel secure that she wouldn't have to go through the agony ever again. The mirror once again drew her gaze to it. If only this were a happy occasion. If only she were walking down the isle to meet with Hiei at the end. If only she weren't full of self-loathing on her wedding day. "Hiei..." The name slipped from her lips as a soft, timeless smile crossed her face. Her eyes were alight with a beautiful emotion and she saw the woman in the mirror become much more like the woman she wanted to be. "My beloved..." Her eyes went down to the small wooden jewelry box on her dresser. It was where the beautiful yet loathful Hiruiseki Stones were hidden. She reached out hesitantly. Part of her wanted to hold them, yet part of her was afraid to even look at them. Her door opened and she snapped out of her thoughtful daze.

"Here's your veil. George forgot that he had fetched it earlier this morning." Ayame let out a small, musical laugh. Botan whirled around and smiled bravely. Her friend seemed surprised at her expression.

"I think...I want my hair down. I never usually do that so I figured, why not?"

I was willing to admit that being around them helped me to forget some of the pain. It helped to pass the time as we sat at Yuusuke's. Kuwabaka and the Reikai Detective were feuding over some stupid contraption that I have become familiar with called a video game. Apparently, the oaf wasn't willing to admit defeat and was adamantly declaring that Yuusuke cheated. However familiar this setting has become, something about it was unsettling. Perhaps it was the kitsune's quiet and somber nature. He had barely spoken to me since he asked me to join them. I had considered the notion that he knew more than he was supposed to but I threw that thought aside. If I had told no one, who was there for him to ask? My mind unwillingly drifted back to my thoughts of her. Why could I not get her out of my mind? On second thought, why could I not carve out my beating heart and burn it in the fires of eternal damnation? Both seemed pretty damn impossible. In fact, they both seemed to have the same level of impossibility.

These thoughts were frustrating me to no end. Who was I becoming? Who was I now? I wasn't even able to recognize myself. When had I changed so much? Why had I changed so much? Was pain really that effective? Or was it that emotion called love that I had never really believed in? My mind was swirling with so many questions that I couldn't even stop to think of any answers. Only one question stood out so boldly that it failed to get lost in the rest.

Who was I?

Yuusuke watched him worriedly, trying every so often to glance at him when he wasn't looking. Though he seemed quite normal with his usual impassive expression set in place, the detective knew what or who was swirling around in his mind. He noticed Kurama watching the clock. The kitsune was beginning to seem like he was impatient.

Never thought I'd see the day... He tried his hardest to produce his usual lopsided grin when his friends stared at him. Kuwabara seemed oblivious to Hiei's plight. It was almost like they never told him. The only hints that he was ever told were his subtle glances at the koorime.

"C'mon, this is insane! I haven't had this game long enough to learn any cheat codes!" Yuusuke poured just the right amount of frustration into his voice. I should try out for the drama club. "You're just being a-" He was cut off by his front door slamming. His mother was home. She had been out on another binge. She was starting to do it less often after the Dark Tournament. His chocolate brown eyes gazed nervously at the clock. The silence was so thick that the ticking of the clock seemed to have slowed.

"What were you gonna call me, you little punk?" Yuusuke lazily moved over to avoid being hit with a flying controller. He bit his tongue, feeling as though foul language had become less enjoyable ever since Keiko began to slap him for it.

"Nothing. It isn't worth it." He flicked his wrist in aggravation. When would the waiting end? He hated waiting. It was one of his least favorite things to do. However impatient he was, Kurama seemed to suddenly surpass him. The kitsune's eyes were glued to the clock and his calculating emerald green eyes were narrowed. He was even chewing on his lower lip. That was so uncharacteristic that it was almost comical, if not for the gravity of the situation. Yuusuke was actually quite surprised that Hiei hadn't picked up the forced normality.

He must really be messed up from this. Poor little guy. Well, we've only got another hour before we get to be wedding crashers. I wonder how we're going to do it, though. I hope Kurama has one of his fool-proof plans because we're really gonna need one.

Botan examined the bouquet of white lillies, feeling her nausea begin to make a return. She really wasn't ready for a rematch with it just yet but it seemed inevitable. She felt childish for being in the state that she was in. Ayame gazed at her before gently shoving the flowers into her hands.

"We don't have much time to reflect, Botan. The wedding is starting soon. Don't worry, you'll be fine." The two stared at each other in an awkward silence. "Everything will work out as it should." Botan looked suddenly furious.

"That's just it, Ayame! I shouldn't be the one marrying him." The passion in her voice made her friend jump. "You should be the one walking down the isle to join him in holy matrimony. You're the one that loves him." Any argument was futile because Botan wouldn't listen anyway. "I-I wouldn't be able to give Koenma-sama what he needs."

"What do you mean...?" The statement seemed slightly absurd. Botan was the one best suited to marry Koenma because of her position and rank as the head of the ferry girls. "Everyone knows that you would be the best one to-"

"No! You don't understand what I mean, Ayame. I can't give Koenma-sama an heir." There was a slight pause and silence encompassed the room. "I would be betraying the one I love if I did such a thing... I already have to kiss Koenma-sama after the vows. But that is as far as I am willing to carry this. I don't love Koenma-sama and I never will. I would never be foolish enough to bring a baby into this world without love for the father." She looked down and felt her face begin to burn. "The only one I would ever start a family with is Hiei." Ayame felt herself beginning to shake with emotion. Botan was so passionate about her love for the koorime and about her decisions that it was obvious she would never betray her words.

"Enma-sama will not like to hear this. He will be furious with you." She reached out and grabbed her friend's shoulders. "Think about what you are doing. It is foolish. The only man you can start a family with is your husband." Botan smiled sadly.

"What really binds two people to marriage, Ayame? Is it the signed documents, the rings, the oaths? Or is it love? Think about it." She gently removed her friend's hands from her shoulders and stood. "It doesn't matter who I marry. I will not have children unless my husband is Hiei."

Every step I take toward those doors...I feel as though I...have signed away my soul. The chains of imprisionment bind me as I walk, weighing down every step that I take. My memories of him...of Hiei...flash before my eyes. As I walk down the shadowed hallway, every small movement bringing me unimaginable pain.

Step...

I remember the look in his eyes after he first kissed me.

Step...

I remember visiting him every day that I could, remember the happiness, however much he tried to hide it, that our moments brought to him, as well as to me.

Step...

I remember the image of him, standing on my doorstep in the pouring rain, wanting only to feel the warmth of an embrace; my embrace.

Step...

I remember seeing the Hiruiseki Stones as the day of judgement came closer. I remember the pain in his beautiful crimson eyes. I remember that he cried for me.

I could feel myself fighting a losing battle. My mind and heart both tried to stop my body from moving toward the room where I was to be married. But it was as though someone were controlling me, as though I were watching someone else walking toward the room. I didn't have to look down to know that I held the bouquet in a white-knuckled grip. It was the only way I was keeping my nerve. If I stopped moving, I might stop breathing.

My heart pounded in my chest as I felt his lips against my own. I felt his hands on my skin, his fevered touches making me shiver in delight. We parted and I took his hand in my own, silently vowing to hold that very moment in my memory...forever.

My heart was pounding. However, this time it had nothing to do with Hiei's fiery touches. I felt instant shame in myself for ever letting myself get into this position. Though, no matter how much I loathed myself, I could never actually regret what I had with him. He had made me so happy. All I could do was bathe in that happiness as the doors opened and I locked gazes with Koenma, my soon-to-be husband.

I don't know if I should be so evil as to leave it there... Oh well. I'll get the 4th chapter out soon enough.

Thank you all for reviewing.

-Angel