Author's Note: Hiya. sorry for the small wait. I've been sick and blah, but here ya go. Didn't really proof-read all the way so all mistakes are my own.
Disclaimer: Any character you don't recognize is mine. The rest belong to Tess and Jtam and TNT and blahblah
Chapter Four
You can feel her eyes on you as you walk down the hall and you can't help yourself. You stop and turn around to see a flash of honey blonde hair just as she turns and enters her room, shutting the door. You can't help the goofy smile that settles on your face as you stand there a moment, thinking; thinking about her eyes and her smile and—
"Watch it lil Vanilla." You're startled from your thoughts as an older black man in blue tries to move past you with a mop and a bucket. His name tag reads 'Rondo'
You immediately look down at your worn, red high tops with no shoelaces and move to the side. "Sorry." You mumble quietly.
Rondo chuckles softly and you lift your head a little to see him leaning on his mop, a knowing grin on his face. "I seen you watchin' her." He says with a sparkle in his eye.
Your brows furrow and you pretend to look confused, hoping he doesn't see the flush in your cheeks. "I dunno what you're talking about." You say gruffly.
The black man only grins wider. "I know what I saw, lil Vanilla. You want that sweet Caramel. Rondo knows, he sees." He nods and looks at Maura's closed door back, then back to you.
You give him a scowl and shake your head. "You're crazy, man. I gotta go. It's curfew."
He laughs as you walk away and his words only seem to make you pick up your pace. "Sure, lil Vanilla. Rondo's the eyes and ears. I know it all!"
When you finally reach your room, you sigh. Your roommate is already in her bed. You know nothing about her except her name. Neither of you bothered to ask about each other, you don't talk, just go about your own routines.
You move quietly, changing into your pajamas before you slip into your own bed and close your eyes. The first night here you cried. You had cried so hard that you started to have trouble breathing, but managed to keep quiet; at least you think you did because your roommate, Alyssa didn't move from her bed located across from you.
Instead of the hollow feeling that usually fills you when you're trying to sleep, your thoughts drift to Maura. As you get comfortable, your hand drifts over your scars and you immediately think of Maura seeing them. You know she saw them, but her reaction wasn't what you were expecting. You had expected her to be repulsed and judge you but she had just continued on as if nothing had happened.
There wasn't even a look of pity either, which is usually the other emotion people show if it isn't disgust. You honestly couldn't tell what look had crossed her face but you know she didn't feel sorry for you and if she was disgusted, then surely she would have said so. From what you had gathered, Maura was a rather forward person when you got her talking.
You shake your head and sigh, pulling the pillow over your face. You need to stop thinking about her and sleep. But then suddenly you're wondering why she's here. What's someone so beautiful and smart doing in a place like this? What's she doing hanging out with someone like you…? The thought makes you huff in annoyance and you turn over on your side, putting the pillow back under your head.
Sleep. You tell yourself and eventually, after more thoughts of Maura, you do.
The next time you open your eyes it's 7:30 in the morning. You sigh and look to see that your roommate has already gotten up, bed made. Groaning, you turn over on your stomach and hide your face in your pillow, missing the days of being able to sleep in. You know if you aren't up by 8, you'll miss breakfast and one of the nurses will be in to drag you out.
But today is supposed to be a good day. You remember your parents and your brothers are supposed to come visit you. That thought has you up and grudgingly getting dressed. You pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, followed by a different sweatshirt from yesterdays, a black one this time. It swallows your thin frame, 2 sizes too big. Just the way you like them.
After you finish getting ready, you pull your hood over your head and walk out to the cafeteria. As soon as you enter, your eyes search the room and spot the person they're looking for. Maura sits in the same spot you both sat yesterday. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a blue long sleeved shirt with a pair of black flats. Her hair is pulled back in a French braid and little wisps of escaped hair curl lightly around her beautiful face.
Your stomach flutters at the sight and you have to remind yourself to breathe. She looks nervous and there's no food in front of her which makes you frown. She's looking down and fidgeting with her fingers, anxiety written plainly across her face. This makes you hurry over to her.
"Hey, Maur." You say gently so as not to startle her.
She looks up and you swear a look of relief flitters across her face before a beautiful smile creases her lips. "Jane," She says your name like she's been waiting for you her whole life, like she hadn't expected to see you.
You smile at her, unable to help it. "Why haven't you gotten anything to eat yet?" You ask as you take a seat beside her.
Maura looks up at the small line that has gathered and swallows. "I—I—was…" She falters and her cheeks turn bright red. "I can't…" She finally says helplessly.
You look at her confused and she looks down, embarrassed. Instead of asking why, you hold out your hand to her. She looks up at you for a moment before hesitantly putting her hand in yours. You get up and pull her up with you, leading her to the line.
Maura's hand tightens in your own as you grab a tray for both of you and set it on the slated surface and glance through the glass at what's for breakfast. "She'll have eggs and fruit and I just want eggs and toast." You say to the lunch lady who nods and fills two plates before setting them on top of the glass.
You lift one plate at a time and set them each on their respective trays before moving down the line. You grab a carton of milk for yourself and then look at Maura who grabs apple juice for herself and finally releases your hand as you both reach the end of the line.
Immediately, you miss the warmth of her hand in yours and silently curse yourself for the thought. You can't fuck this up. When you're with her, you forget about everything that hurts. You don't feel alone anymore. When she smiles at you it's like she's crawled inside you and shone a flashlight in all of the darkest places that reside inside your heart and you feel light for a moment; you feel like maybe you can get through another day.
As you take your seats, Maura looks up you and smiles bashfully. "Thank you," She takes a breath and fidgets with her hands a moment. "I—I have Social Anxiety Disorder…" She says quietly, her eyes downcast.
You frown slightly at the sad look on her face. She's beautiful even when she's sad. "That sucks, but doesn't sound like you belong here." You say gently.
Maura looks up at you and sighs. "My mother seems to think so, but who knows—I may have some other sort of disorder. One of the Psychiatrists here is daddy's close friend." She looks down again, frown deepening. "I'm an embarrassment to my parents…"
Anger suddenly flares up inside you. You're not sure why you feel so fiercely protective of her even though you haven't known her long, but you can't help it. You tamp it down and instead place an arm around her shoulders. "I doubt that, Maur. I've known you all of a day and I already think you're pretty great." You give her a grin when she looks up at you like you've just said something meaningful and you realize that to her, it is.
She smiles so brightly back at you that a dimple indents in her right cheek and you nearly melt at the sight. That smile makes your heart feel like a bird fluttering around in your chest, looking for a way out. But the smile falters and with it, so does your heart. "I—I have my first appointment today. I'm really nervous, I don't know if I can eat."
You give her a reassuring smile and rub her arm. "Just eat the fruit, get something in you, you'll be okay."
Maura looks at you and then at the fruit before she finally nods. "Okay." She says as she begins to eat slowly. You smile wider and feel better knowing that she's eating something. You decide that you'll try to eat a little more since she is.
You both chat quietly while you eat and as you're both cleaning up after yourselves, you notice Domi coming toward you. A small smirk settles on her lips as she glances between the two of you but it quickly disappears as she nears you both and is instead replaced with a friendly smile.
"Hey you two," She says as a way of greeting.
You roll your eyes with a smirk and Maura looks shy but still smiles a little.
Domi slides between the two of you and wraps an arm around each of your shoulders, walking you both down the halls. "Jane, you've got some visitors in the rec room and Maura, you've got an appointment."
"Okay. Can you give Maur and me a sec?" You ask as you stop in the middle of the hall, causing both Domi and Maura to stop as well.
Dominique raises a brow and looks as though she's about to say something but you give her a look and she just smiles and nods, stepping away for a moment.
Once the nosy nurse is far enough away, you turn to look at Maura who is looking at you with doe eyes, nervous. You know she's thinking about her appointment. Placing your hands on her shoulders you smile. "You'll be fine, I promise. You don't even gotta talk if you can't. Just think of something that calms you down, makes ya happy—think of—think of all that science you do instead of what makes you so nervous around people and maybe that'll help you be able to think more clearly?
"They can't make you talk if you aren't ready, but sometimes it helps I guess. Anyway, you'll be okay. I promise." You're not sure if any of that made sense or if it was encouraging but at least you tried. You've never been good at comforting or with feelings period but you can't help the feeling of wanting to comfort her, protect her from all the hurt.
Maura smiles and looks a little less nervous. "Thank you, Jane." She says softly, placing a hand on one of yours and squeezing gently before she takes a breath and turns toward Domi.
The nurse is leaning against the wall, trying to look as though she hadn't been paying you and Maura any attention but you know she was doing her best to take in every action and every word spoken. As Maura walks up to her, Domi looks back at you and smiles before she gently puts a hand on Maura's shoulder and leads her away.
You sigh and shake your head, heading toward the rec room. As you walk the halls, you can't help the little flutters of excitement to see your family. Though you loath to admit it, you've missed them and all their annoying habits.
As you open the door, you are nearly knocked over by two bodies. One is almost as tall as you while the other reaches your elbow. Frankie and Tommy are hugging you fiercely and you can barely get your arms from under them so that you can hug them back. When they release, you sink down to your knees so you're more at their level. You pull them back in for another hug, fighting back tears.
Frankie is the first to pull away and he helps you stand back up. He's getting so tall now at 13. Even Tommy who's only 9 looks as though he's grown a few inches since you've last seen him. He still clings to you as you stand up so you pull him up your hip. He's outgrown this long ago but you can feel him crying so you hold the scrawny little boy tightly.
Normally Frankie would tease his younger brother for crying but he only looks on sadly and pats his younger brother's back before he turns his head away.
You whisper a few words of comfort in Tommy's ear before you look up to see your mother who looks on the verge of tears but she smiles despite it. You look around her and then around the empty rec room, looking for your father.
Your confusion must show because your mother looks down uncomfortably but she doesn't answer your silent question, so you say it out loud. "Where's Pop?"
Angela's body tenses and she looks back up at you, fidgeting with her purse, her eyes sad. "I'm sorry, Janie." She says quietly.
Tommy's arms wrap tightly around your neck and you feel the boy shudder against you. Frankie looks angrily down at the floor. "Pop left…" He mumbles.
You feel like you're going to faint, like the rug was pulled out from under you. Your heart feels cold, like someone has shoved an icicle through it and is just twisting it slowly. Your arms wrap tighter around Tommy because you can feel yourself slipping from the real world and you just want something to anchor you here.
"Janie…" Your name is garbled, like you're underwater. You're starting to get dizzy and your vision is blurring, black dots are swarming around you but you hear your name again and force yourself to resurface and take a breath.
You blink and realize you've started to cry. "When? Why?" The words leave your mouth quick and hard as you set Tommy down but he clings to your side like a small child. It's your fault.
That's all it comes down to.
Your fault.