Author's Note: Okay... So it's been a while and I apologize. I have plenty of excuses but ain't nobody got time for that. Just go forth and read. Trigger warning, maybe. Talk about Suicide, but it's brief. I did a quick proof-read but any mistakes I made (I'm sure there are some despite my proof-reading) are my own. Thanks to those in joinme for keeping me on point and task! Enjoy! (sorry if you get multiple notifications in your emails, that's just me fixing something i can't ignore)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the story and the characters you DON'T recognize from the show. c:
Chapter Seven
Jane has been distant the last couple of days. It's not that she hasn't talked to you or sat with you at breakfast and lunch, but just that she's been quiet and not really there. At first, after getting out of solitary, she just stuck by your side and acted as if nothing had happened. You learned a lot about her family and her brothers but never of what caused her break down. You didn't dare ask, either.
You told her more about yourself and the things you had been studying in school before you came here. You told her of the places you and your parents had visited; Rome, Paris, Germany, and much more. Jane seemed to be amazed by it all.
But you being you, curiosity got the best of you. You couldn't keep your mouth shut. It was when you all had a free period outside. You were both watching the other kids play but ultimately the two of you decided to sit it out. Your thoughts had been everywhere yet they all had to do with Jane. After being alone while she was in solitary, you thought more and more about her, worried about her.
And you just blurted it out; the question that was burning the back of your throat. "Why are you here, Jane?" You'd asked and once the words passed your lips, you immediately regretted it. You could feel all the color drain from your face as she turned to look at you. She made a face like, don't you know? Haven't you figured it out? And maybe, in the back of your mind you had an idea, what with the cuts and scars marring her arms that she so carefully hid from the world.
You had stared back at her with your mouth half open in an attempt to form words but the English language seemed to fail you right then and there because all you could focus on was the darkness in her eyes.
She never answered you, only turned away from you and you accepted that you weren't going to get an answer.
Lately though you've barely gotten a word out of her. You suspect that interaction is what has caused her to become closed off from you.
At breakfast this morning, she stood in line with you like she always does, made sure you ate your breakfast and just when you were about to say something, before your courage left you, Domi showed up saying that she had a visitor.
Your heart rate seemed to go up at that because the last time she had visitors, she had a breakdown. Jane seems to bristle for a moment, as if thinking the same thing but Domi smiles. "It's none of your family." She says reassuringly.
Jane nods and stands up with her tray. You think she's going to walk away without saying goodbye, but she turns to look at you for a moment before speaking. "You okay?" Her voice is gruff sounding, perhaps from disuse. You have no choice but to nod, and with that she turns away from you, dumping her tray and heading out of the cafeteria without looking back.
Your shoulders seem to cave forward and your arms wrap around yourself as you stare at your half eaten breakfast. You are suddenly not hungry anymore. Biting your lip, you look around and feel like everyone is watching you. The thought makes you dizzy so you stand up on shaky legs and grab your tray to dump it in the trashcan.
Once your tray is up, you walk briskly to the bathroom because you need to be away from people. You feel like you can't breathe. Once the door shuts behind you, you feel yourself relax a little and instead of the static-y voice in your head telling you that you're weird and worthless and that's why everyone is staring, you hear nothing but your own breathing.
Sighing, you move to the sink to put your hands under the cool water, this also helps calm you down some, shocks your pulse a little. After a moment, you straighten yourself up and move to dry your hands. You're fine. You can do this. No one is looking at you. These are things Jane would say. You can hear her voice in the back of your head.
She's had to calm you down a couple of times the past couple of days. Your anxiety has been high for some reason. You're sure it has something to do with having spent a night and an entire day worrying about your friend while she was in solitary.
You shove those thoughts in the back of your head and exit the bathroom only to find Domi standing there looking concerned. "You okay, bambi?" She asks softly.
"Yes, I'm fine. I was just…" You shake your head as if to clear your thoughts. "I'm fine." You repeat before heading to the rec room, already worrying about Jane.
Three periods later you've heard nothing of Jane. It's free period and after a few minutes of just sitting there, you can't do it anymore. You stand up and tell the nurse supervising you all that you have to use the restroom. You go to the restroom just so that you can say you weren't lying.
You search the halls but there is no sign of Jane. You spot Domi and quickly catch up to her. "D-Domi," You stammer, wishing your anxiety didn't make you so nervous. She turns to look at you, expectant. "D-do you—have you seen Jane?" You ask quietly.
Dominique looks to be thinking. "Last I saw her, she had been heading to her next period. Maybe she's in her room?" The nurse offered with a shrug. She didn't seem too concerned. That was a good sign, right?
You nod your thanks and go off in search of Jane's room, but when you get there, the room is empty.
"She's up on the roof…" You jump at the voice behind you and your hand goes to your heart as you turn away from Jane's closed door.
An older black man in a blue jumpsuit is leaning against a mop. "W-What?" You squeak out, swallowing thickly.
He chuckles a little and you wonder briefly if it's at you. "Lil Vanilla. She's up on the roof." He nods to a door that leads to the staircase. "She look like she needed some space, time to think. Rondo caught her going up there. See the lock is broke on that door but I ain't maintenance, I just clean." He says with a shrug.
"You go on up there and find her, Caramel, she needs you." He gestures toward the door and you move slowly toward it, trying to put the words together to thank him but they never come. He seems to understand though, and he nods to you with a sort of knowing smile.
You go up the stairs slowly, heart racing for reasons you're unsure of. Finally you reach the top, the roof. You push the door open and immediately you are met with a view of the city as well as Jane's back as she stares down at the hospital parking lot.
It's drizzling and you let the door shut behind you but you make no move to leave your spot from under the overhang. If Jane has heard you, she doesn't show it as she continues to stand in the little drizzles of rain.
Taking a breath, you cross your arms at the wind-chill and walk up beside her. You are both quiet for a long time before Jane speaks.
"I tried to kill myself."
In that moment it's like someone as poured ice cold water over you, like someone has shot ice into your veins. Your heart seizes in your chest and you feel dizzy and a plethora of emotions that you couldn't even begin to name.
"That's why I'm here. I tried to kill myself." She repeats, turning her head to look at you. "My friend Frost came to visit me today." You look up at her, trying to make your face open and understanding but you're sure that the only thing your face is showing is horrified. Still, she continues. "He said…" She pauses and then chuckles humorlessly. "He said, 'everyone misses you, Jane. Get better.' And I laughed. I'm not sure why I laughed, but I did. It's not really that funny.
"But see, who the fuck is 'everyone?'" She sounds angry now and you can't help but hold your breath. "Last time I checked, I had maybe three friends and one of those people was my History teacher. Nobody fucking liked me, so who the fuck is everyone? Do they feel sorry for me? Or do they feel bad about calling me a dyke and making jokes behind my back while I was taking a handful of pills and slitting my wrists open?" Jane suddenly pulls up her sweatshirt sleeves and shoves her arms at you and you have to hold back a gasp.
You've seen them before, but it was brief. The angry scars and the new healing stitched up gashes on her arms. "They all just feel bad for the shit they did to me. They don't really give a shit about me. No one really does and that's why I was trying to leave. I was trying to make it easier on the world because if I wasn't here, things would be better if I-"
"Jane!" You are breathless like you've been running a marathon. Your face is wet and you're not sure if it's from the rain or your tears. You grip her wrists and she looks down at you, a little surprised. "No." You say quietly, voice thick with tears. "No the world would be a terrible place without you." The wind picks up and you shiver, but you catch a whiff of her. She smells like Lavender and rain and a little like a sterile hospital but you love it nonetheless because it grounds you.
"You—you are such a wonderful person, Jane."
"You've only known me for like a week and a half at least I'm—" You shake your head at her words, cutting her off.
"No, if it weren't for you, where would I be in this hospital? The world is not a better place without you." You're not sure how to convey that if you hadn't of met Jane, you're not sure where you would be right now. More anxious and stressed than you came in perhaps?
"Maura," Jane starts, her own eyes suspiciously glassy. "I can't—I just… If I wasn't here, the world would have kept going. I don't matter. I'm nothing. I'm worthless and useless and I caused my dad to leave, everything is my fault." She shakes her head and you try to understand how someone who was the first to really pay any attention to you, someone who didn't judge you or call you names, how they can think that of themselves.
Your hands slip down into hers and you squeeze them. "The world may keep spinning and life might go on, but death is not beautiful, Jane. Death is…" You falter. You've never had to deal with losing someone close to you but imagining not having Jane with you makes your heart sink to your stomach. "Death is unfinished stories and heartbreak, it's never getting to say goodbye, it's leaving a void in the hearts of those who did and do care for you. It's letting the darkness win. The world may keep spinning but life stops for those who care about you. Nothing is ever enough, there is no closure. Death is just… It's an unfinished book, a sentence never finished."
You're not at all sure if you're making sense but you're trying desperately to get Jane to understand that she is not all the horrible things she says she is. "You are not defined by your mental illness. No one can define you, but you. I think you are one of the strongest, most brave people I've ever met. You are kind and smart and—" She cuts you off because she brings you into her arms and hugs you so tight that you're sure you've stopped breathing but you don't care.
"Thank you." She says into your hair, voice shaking.
You hug her back tightly, like if you let go, she'd float away. "You don't need me to thank you for stating the truth." You bury your head into her chest, inhaling her scent and your eyes fill with tears. "Don't ever try to go again, okay? Stay."
You feel Jane's chest tremble beneath you before she speaks quietly.
"I'll try."