Author's Note:
Again, I don't own any of the original Vampire Academy Characters. They all belong to the wondrous mind of Richelle Mead.
Thank you for the two reviews I have received! I hope to get more as chapters are posted! Although I guess an increase in views should tell me that people are seemingly enjoying what I've written thus far?
I'm still figuring out what things the website will transfer over from my word documents. Apparently horizontal lines across the page to signify a period of time has elapsed is not one of them. I will continue to experiment with this chapter. Maybe I'll try making my own lines instead of using the easy premade ones.
I want to know your opinion. Send me a message with your answer (not a review). I would like to know if y'all think my chapters are too long. I figured it is a possibility for why less people are reading my second chapter than my first. When I had been really interested in reading fan fictions (back in the days of Quizilla), I always personally liked the longer ones. I was always frustrated when people posted short chapters, but maybe I am an oddity? Anyways, shoot me a message with your answers!
-Chapter Three:
After the attack, we had been moved to Lissa's suite. It was the closest and easily defendable room. Lissa, Christian, Adrian, Jill and Abe were securely inside. I was also in the room with them, but in guardian mode. I had broken my heels while fighting the Moroi dissidents, and was currently pacing the perimeter of the room barefoot. More like I was stalking the walls and doors, daring any of it to move. I was on edge. I was enraged that anyone would try such an attack. How did they make it far enough into the building to make it into that dining room anyways? How had they known we were in that one room? How had they managed to make it to Jill?
Okay, I had already worked out the answer to that last one. Adrian, Jill and I all had our backs to the door. It took all three of us moments longer to realize what was happening. I had been more angled towards Dimitri since I had been attempting to steer clear of Adrian. When I had heard the door slam open, it had taken me too long to react. I had immediately spun around out of my seat, towards Dimitri, following him into battle. He had no such delay and had immediately switched to guardian mode. If I had spun towards Jill, I could have kept her behind me and kept her safe. But when you're in the moment, and acting instinctually, there is no logic to such things. I considered it my fault that Jill had died…. even if she was still technically alive now. You could have saved her. I shook my head, trying to empty that thought out of my mind. It was a good thing that Lissa had kept the table from drinking that night. Alcohol numbed the magic power of spirit. If Adrian had been drinking that night, he might not have been able to bring her back from the world of the dead.
No one was talking about this though. It was an unspoken rule. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, Jill had not died. Jill was alive. No one could know she was shadow kissed. It was also understood how this information could destabilize the Moroi government. Suddenly, something that Rhonda had said only hours early clicked in my mind. I see death in the future, although it is not necessarily your own. It had been spoken to Lissa, but this was her half-sister. Jill was a Dragomir by her paternal genes. Jill was the only reason that Lissa had a right to rule, under current legislation. We had thought that it was time to change that rule, but only now realized the full priority of it. Jill and Lissa are in danger. Isn't that kinda what Rhonda had predicted? Although I had known there was a certain amount of danger with making my best friend the Queen of the Vampiric World, it just now hit me all the danger it entailed. The last queen had been MURDERED, and someone was attempting to repeat history.
I spared a glance over at Jill. She was paler than normal, with Adrian and Lissa right by her side. They were talking in hushed tones. I could imagine Jill being in shock. I immediately felt guilt radiate throughout my body. I started pacing the room at an even more furious pace, it was my only hope in battling these thoughts. I was the only reason Jill was even here. It was my fault that Jill was in the public eye at all. I had gone searching for the illegitimate child of Eric Dragomir, Lissa's father, in order for Lissa to receive her rightful place at court. We had hoped she would be able to battle the corruption that we saw so easily. While Lissa was trying to find proof that I was innocent in the murder of the former Queen, time was essential. I had gotten Adrian to recommend Lissa as a nominee for the new monarch position, although since she had no known family members, she was not technically eligible. But the nomination had caused substantial upheaval in the government, buying us the time we had needed. I had succeeded in finding Jill, bringing her to court, and announced her as a Dragomir. Lissa had gained substantial support by then, and was quickly nominated Queen after I ousted the real Queen killer. I was the one who had brought so much attention to Jill, and it was my fault Lissa was Queen. It was my fault both of them were in danger. It's all your fault Rose. An inner voice said inside of me. I couldn't stop blaming myself. Look at what I had done to both of their lives.
In that instant, there was a knock at the door. I was there within seconds. "Who's there?" I asked in hushed tones, my body tense and prepared to attack.
"It's me, Rosa." Came a voice I would recognize anywhere, Dimitri. He had gone with the other guardians after locking us in this room, with some other guardians as protection, both inside and out. Although some were still weary around Dimitri, since he had once been Strigoi, Dimitri easily slipped into a leading position in times of emergency. He seemed fearless, confident, and his body language commanded respect. It was too easy for most people to fall in line behind him. He had that affect in our world, and apparently in the undead. I shook my head to try to clear it of the racing thoughts, and unlocked the door just wide enough for Dimitri to slide in. He left the other guards behind him. He began explaining the situation to me, and I froze in my spot. He was talking in hushed tones, but I knew the rest of the room had gone completely quiet in hopes of hearing him. After relaying the information to me, he went and kneeled in front of Lissa, relaying the message to her. Everyone was using hushed tones. I still stood frozen, my mind spinning.
How could those that have retreated gotten away? How could we not know how they got into the building to begin with? It was a small reassurance that we had a couple of them detained, but hadn't gotten all of them. I slowly pressed by back against the door. My mind was swimming in thoughts, and they were all I could see. I could see the fear in Lissa's eyes while we had been moved into her suite. I could see the easily visible blood stain on Jill's dress, until they had made her change into one of Lissa's outfits. It's all your fault Rose. Look what you did to your best friend and her sister. Look what you did to Jill.
I hadn't seen who it was who gently touched my arm, my body was in full reaction mode. I immediately pulled my fingers back, exposing the palm of my hand and shot it upwards, trying to connect it with a nose. Luckily whoever it was, had good reflexes. I looked up after my wrist was stopped by a hand wrapped around it. My eyes jolted back into focus. It was Dimitri. I had almost punched Dimitri, of all people, in the face. I could see the look of concern in his eye. I felt my body relax just a little.
"Rosa." He whispered, studying my face worriedly. My eyes connected with his, but my head was still swimming in thoughts which prevented me from saying anything. "You need to go rest." He said forlornly. So many times we could communicate without thinking. I could only imagine what his understanding was of what was running through my mind.
"No." I said firmly, pulling my wrist out of his grasp almost rebelliously. "Lissa is here, and she needs me." I continued.
"Lissa has other guardians. You are worthless to her if you are exhausted." He said, his accent getting thick again towards the end. He knew I had a hard time fighting him when he did that. I felt enraged again at his words.
"I am not worthless." I steamed. How dare he? How could I leave when I was the one who had put them in danger? How could I leave when they needed me? Dimitri prompted me to look into one of the many mirrors hanging on the wall. I followed his lead. I was still wearing that amazing dress. Earlier I had looked radiant and sultry. Now I looked like a shell of my former self. I seemed drained and ragged. I was shocked. I fought to stifle a yawn. All of a sudden, I felt as tired as I looked. The exhaustion I had felt earlier in the day suddenly caught up with me. The adrenaline from the fight must have helped keep it at bay. My guilty thoughts that had been cycling through my head ever since had allowed no room for such selfish considerations such as energy levels.
"Lissa and Jill will be surrounded by guards tonight. They are making an impromptu bed in one of Lissa's extra rooms for Jill. It will be easier to guard them together tonight while they set up another schedule for advanced guards for the both of them. You should sleep in the meantime. Lissa will need you tomorrow." Said Dimitri, softer this time. He was concerned about me. Lissa had walked up during our exchange. She knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't want to leave her in times like this. Times where I felt like she could still be in danger. She knew that if she didn't intervene, I would stay and protect her no matter the odds. I was fiercely loyal to Lissa, as she was to me.
"I'll be fine Rose." She said simply, as if continuing Dimitri's thoughts. I was feeling several emotions at once. I was still mad, guilty, scared, and tired. So mostly I was conflicted. I clenched my jaw, and bowed my head, conceding.
It didn't take long for me to say goodnight to nearly everyone in the room. Although I did take the time to threaten most of the guardians. I told them if anything happened to Lissa or Jill, they would be in their own personal hell via the compliments of Rose Hathaway. After everything I had been through in the past year, including training with the warrior god Dimitri, I had come to be revered as some sort of prodigy. Most didn't exactly want to challenge me. Afterwards, I checked on Jill, my guilt forcing me to make sure she was definitively all right before I left. I hugged Lissa good night, and then said goodbye to Christian and my father. He hadn't said much at all during the end of the night, but he was watching all of us intently. It would be his style to be attempting to glean information from the situation. Upon seeing Abe, I remembered that my mother had been around tonight as well. Suddenly I remembered Dimitri making a comment about my mother overseeing the Moroi who had been captured. It was nothing that surprised me. It was also her nature to take charge, and she had been there during the attack.
After leaving the well-guarded suite, I stormed back to my own room. Dimitri wasn't far behind me, but I was ignoring him. All of a sudden my energy levels were back, and I was filled with that all-consuming rage again. If I were still shadow kissed, I would have blamed it on the darkness I took away from Lissa, but I wasn't bonded anymore. Yet, I couldn't face him. It's almost like he could feel the emotion welling up inside of me, and was waiting for me to let it out. He followed me, but didn't confront me until we had both made it to our room. Every step I had taken in order to get to our room felt like it had only compounded the anger inside of me. I felt like I had boiling water in my veins.
"What's wrong, Rosa?" Dimitri asked softly, maybe hoping he could coax it out of me before it exploded. But he was wrong. He had stopped shortly after entering the room, allowing me my distance, for now.
"What do you mean what's wrong? How could you even ask me that?" I almost shouted. He took a step towards me as if he wanted to comfort me, but I mimicked him and took a step back. I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me right now. "Since when am I ever fucking worthless?" I yelled, getting louder as I spoke. The rage just started to pour out of me. "I didn't hear you fucking complaining when we were fighting side by side. So what, now that there's not a fight, my worth has depleted? You have told me ever since we met that I am worth SOMETHING. Even when you were a Strigoi, you thought I had value." I was basically screaming at him. We both knew that I had added that Strigoi part in there to attempt to hurt him. I was lashing out. I didn't care how irrational it seemed. At that moment, I wished we had kept a punching bag in our room, because I wanted to use one. Yet, I wasn't out of control enough to want to punch a wall. Even in this state, I understood how much I would get in trouble for that later.
"You know that isn't what I meant-" He started, but I wouldn't let him finish. I didn't want to see him anymore. I'd rather him leave while I was angry, than to see me weak.
"Get out." I interrupted, pointing towards the door.
"But-" He started again.
"I said GET OUT!" I yelled. He was looking at me, but didn't move. There was something irrational about me that I couldn't put my finger on. I didn't want to think about it, and if he were here, I knew I would have to. My eyes were clouded again, so I didn't see him studying me. I made a move towards the bathroom to get away from him, and that's when he chose to make his move as well. He tried to come up behind me, but I moved instinctually again, thrusting my elbow out behind me. I actually made contact this time. I heard him groan as he took the blow, but he didn't let it stop him. The moment he grabbed me, I began thrashing. I didn't want him to touch me, I didn't want to have to think again. I could hear the words starting to come back: It's all your fault Rose. You are the reason they are in danger. That guilt was consuming me. And let's be honest, I deserved it. It was my fault after all. Jill would have just been another St. Vladimir's student if it weren't for me. Lissa wouldn't be Queen, she wouldn't have been in more danger than usual. Look what you did Rose. Both of those things happened because YOU set them in motion. I desperately tried to get out Dimitri's grip. When he touched me, he made me feel good, loved, and worthy. I didn't deserve to feel like that, so I kept thrashing. Dimitri ended up throwing me down on the bed, and pinning me to it.
"Rosa, stop. We both know you're not actually angry with me-" He started, but I interrupted him yet again.
"Yes I am, get off me!" I yelled, continuing to fight, but it was futile. My arms were pinned down too successfully. This wasn't the first time he had to do this to me; he was getting pretty adept at it. I had disputed his statement just because I could. Part of me deep down knew it wasn't his fault. Dimitri all ways tried to do the right thing. It's not his fault Liss and Jill are in danger, it's mine. It was easier to act like I was mad at him than talk about what was really bothering me, and I hoped I had been hiding it.
"No, you're not. Anger is just your easiest outlet." I stilled a little at this comment. He knew me too well. He continued on, "You know I find you exceptionally valuable. I love you, Rosa." I calmed even more. My mind was still swimming in guilt. My body began to shake a little as I tried to hold on to that false anger, because it was so much easier to deal with than the other emotions. Anger you could do something with; you could work it off. I could go to the gym and punch until my hands bled, or I could go on a run until I was no longer angry. Sadness, remorse, guilt, how do people deal with these emotions? It seemed like most people sat around feeling sorry for themselves, or drank their problems away. Last time I had felt this way, I made an action plan; I went to Russia to kill Dimitri. But this… this was different. How could I fix this?
I didn't want to act this way in front of him. I wanted to be strong in front of Dimitri, not weak. No matter what, in the back of my mind there was that continual need to impress him. "Don't be afraid Rose. Don't lock me out. I'm here for you." He whispered. I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. I could feel them burning behind my eyes. No. Don't cry. Rose Hathaway doesn't cry. We sat in silence for several long moments while I attempted to keep my body under control. When I was angry- no problem, let's just fly off the handle. When I was upset? No. No one was supposed to see that. Control was essential here. He was no longer pinning me down with such force, but his body was still on mine. I could feel the weight of all that he was. "Let me in, Rosa." He whispered, his lips making contact with my ear. After a moment he whispered again, "Tell me what's wrong." I was pretty sure he let his accent hang thickly on his words purposefully, as he knew this was a weakness of mine. His voice was so soft, so strong, so steady. He wanted to be there for me. He wanted me to bear my soul to him. His soft voice was like a battering ram, attempting to break down the walls I had built up around myself. And yet, why was it so hard to let him in? He has been there before when the spirit darkness had taken control over me, but that was different. Those were circumstances in which I wasn't in control; it wasn't my fault. This time, however, it was.
In the past, I had become adept at holding people at bay. I had held a number of things from Lissa. She never knew about Dimitri until he had been turned into Strigoi, and had been unable to understand why I was so distraught. I had been protecting Lissa by not burdening her with my feelings, or at least that is what I had been telling myself. I had not been able to tell Lissa or Dimitri about seeing ghosts, until there was no other option. Why hadn't I been able to trust Dimitri? Why hadn't I been able to tell him sooner? What if it could have led to a different possibility than him turning Strigoi? If he was the one I truly loved, why couldn't I confide in him? Because it's your fault. You're weak. I turned my head so that a tear that escaped my eye, fell down the side of my face and hit the mattress. If I was lucky, he didn't see that.
"Rose." It was all he whispered now, still staying soft. He took a chance at my mood, and planted a kiss in my hair. He had stayed, even when I had tried to push him out, push him away. He was still here. That earned him some credit, right?
"Guilt." It was just one word. It was the only thing I could say right now without breaking down. It was able to clue him in though. I turned my face back to look at him, but he seemed lost in thought. It was as if he was looking at me, but not. Realizations were flashing before his eyes, but he didn't move. He was still on top of me. He didn't recoil as if I were some guilty vermin. Did I really expect him to? No, he hadn't left when I had prompted him to earlier after all.
"Those attacks were not your fault, Rose. You did not hire those Moroi to come after Lissa." He started, his eyes focusing on me again. I couldn't meet his gaze. Instead, I focused on his lips. He paused, but when I stayed silent, he continued, "None of this is your fault. Lissa is safe, and so are your parents. No one got hurt, permanently." He added that last word after a moment's hesitation, as if he wasn't originally going to say it. All of a sudden, I saw Jill's blood stained dress flash through my mind. It's all your fault. You're the reason Jill died. I sobbed at the thought. This time, I hadn't been able to stop myself.
Dimitri immediately sprang into action. He no longer pinned me down with his weight. He gingerly pressed my head into his chest, while he scooped me up and repositioned us. He was so strong he had no problems in moving me around. It still amazed me how gracefully he moved, even while basically carrying me. The next thing I knew, he was laying on his side of the bed, with my head on his shoulder. This caused his back to technically be laying against the bed, but his lowered half was angled towards me. His knees were supporting my body, which was curled up next to him. My chest was on his. I could feel every breath he took, and every beat of his heart. Even now, it was difficult to open myself up in such a way. I had always believed that I had to be the strong one.
"Rosa." He murmured while running his fingers through my long dark hair. He knew that one word could cut through me like a knife. It was a sign of his love for me. So many of those 'Rosa's' had been hard won. Now that we were in a real relationship, the affectionate word came much more easily, but it was still a powerful word.
"Jill's life is in danger because of me. I am the one who sought her out. I was the one who found her. It was my plan. I brought her to court and basically introduced her to her deathbed." I said meekly, not moving my head off of his shoulder. I didn't want him to be able to look at me, not in this moment. I continued my internal belittlement of myself. Dimitri sighed before responding.
"You weren't the only one there, Rose. We found her, we brought her to court. Yes, we introduced her into royal society, but we had good intentions. We can't always foresee the future consequences our actions might have. The best thing we can do now is protect her. We can do everything in our power to keep her out of danger." I nodded at his words, but sorrow still ached in my heart for Jill. I had cared mostly for Lissa when I brought Jill to court, and now Jill would pay. As much as I wanted to shrug it off and claim it wasn't my problem, I couldn't. I liked Jill, and it was my fault she was now bound to Adrian. I lamented this for her. I cried for the first time in a while. My exhaustion had caught up with me, and I no longer had the strength to fight Dimitri. Although, it still felt weird to cry in front of him. He loved me, and held me as he attempted to console me. How childish you are. You're not the one who died. What right do you have to be crying? My mind continued its harsh criticism over myself. I tried to push it aside, but I knew it would be back later.
All of a sudden, a completely different emotion welled up inside of me. Dimitri didn't try to stop me this time as I jumped off of him and darted quickly to the bathroom. I guess he decided that I was allowed to move again since I had finally opened up to him. He followed me into the bathroom after he heard the retching noises I was making. He found me crumpled on the floor next to the toilet, my head resting on an arm that was slung over the toilet seat. He came up beside me and gingerly held my hair for me as I emptied more of my stomach into the toilet. My thoughts were racing. Did I eat something weird today? Or was this from my mood swings? Possibly the exhaustion? You're being punished for your guilty actions, one of those voices chided. Could this be guilt? I had no real way of knowing.
I dry heaved a few times before I sat just resting for quite a while next to the toilet. I hadn't wanted to move yet, just in case my stomach wasn't finished. Dimitri stayed by my side the entire time, silent and stoic as ever. I loved how he wasn't judgmental, he was just supportive of me. Finally, he helped me to my feet, and gave me a little space as I brushed my teeth. It had been so long since I had puked like that.
"You're exhausted. Let's get you to bed." He said softly. This time, I didn't fight him like I had before. I could feel it. I was tired. It didn't take us long to get into bed. Dimitri wrapped an arm around me like he did every night. I found it cute, but he always had to have some portion of himself touching me, or he would wake up in the middle of the night. It was like there was some internal alarm that knew he wasn't close enough to me. It was just another thing that endeared me to him. Tonight, we didn't indulge ourselves like the previous night. Tonight was more about the comfortableness one could have just by being near the one they loved. Not every night had to be flaming passion. As I was drifting off to sleep I realized just how much of a gift his calming presence was in my life.