Author's Note: Hey, guys. (: Here's an update. I only did a brief proof-read so I'm sure there are errors. Sorry for the lack of Jane/Maura but I needed to delve more into Maura in this chapter.
Disclaimer: Eh you know the drill, yo
Chapter Nine
You sit in the couch across from Emilia, eyes downcast. You've been here for 10 minutes and your sessions usually last an hour, but already you feel anxious and ready to bolt. It's not Emilia's fault, she's being very kind and understanding.
"Maura," She says gently, and you look up but your eyes don't meet hers. "Did you hear me?" She asks and you nod.
"You talked to my mother…" You say quietly. Emilia hasn't even told you what she had to say but the minute those words came out of her mouth you immediately felt like your heart had dropped to the pit of your stomach.
Emilia nods. "Yes. She had some insightful things to say."
This time as you look back up at the doctor, you raise a brow. Your mother knows nothing about you. She barely even pays attention to you. It's not that she doesn't care about you, but she doesn't know how to comfort you and you don't know how to open up.
Emilia raises her own brow at you, noting your facial expression. "It looks like you might have some things to say if that look on your face doesn't already say it. There are always two sides to a story."
You sigh. "That depends on what my mother had to say."
"Well, she said you were very distant and you keep to yourself." Emilia supplies, pushing a strand of dirty blonde hair behind her ear.
You clench your jaw and take a breath. "She doesn't really know who I am. I don't think she even knows my favorite color." You chuckle a little humorlessly but shrug. "I suppose it's one of those things where you have to meet half-way but neither of us has really tried. Well, that's not entirely true." You think back to when you were a small child.
Emilia tilts her head curiously. "Perhaps you want elaborate a little more?"
Your gaze flits back to Emilia's kind eyes. You've had four sessions so far since your first one and honestly it has become a lot easier to talk to the older woman, but the only person who you can really talk to is Jane. You and she have grown a lot closer.
"As a child, I remember seeking her approval and attention but I was always put in the care of nannies. I'm sure you're well aware that I'm adopted." You say, memories of your childhood playing through your mind.
Emilia's eyebrows raise and she sits up straighter. "No, we haven't discussed that." She says sounding interested. "Were you adopted as an infant or as an older child?"
You regard Emilia carefully as you gather your thoughts. "I was adopted as an infant but it was never a secret. I've never felt like I truly belonged anywhere… I often wonder what prompted my biological parents to give me up. Was I so unwanted? I don't even think my parents wanted a child but I sort of dropped into their lap." You shrug as if it's not a big deal, but it hurts to think about. It's something you've considered a lot. Your parents would probably be happier if they didn't have you.
"I see…" Emilia says carefully, writing something down on the clipboard in front of her. "So when you spend time with your parents, what's that like?"
You wring your hands together nervously. "I… I usually just try to be polite and…" You trail off, unsure of how to even describe your feelings.
Emilia gives you an encouraging look, showing you she's listening and that she genuinely cares. It's something you really love about her and what makes you comfortable around the doctor. She genuinely cares about your well-being and asks about your day and even shares a little of herself when you share something.
"I'm not sure how to describe it. It's just… kind of like I'm a different person, or not entirely my whole self. I put on this—this façade, I try to act like the perfect daughter, someone they would be proud of." You can feel tears beginning to clog your throat and you swallow thickly.
Emilia writes something down on her clipboard and gives you a sympathetic smile. "How often does this happen?" She asks calmly.
You think for a moment, your lower lip getting caught between your teeth. "I suppose a lot unless I'm alone." You frown, glancing at your lap.
"What about with Jane?" Emilia asks suddenly and you jerk your head up at the brunette's name.
A small smile creases your lips. "I think when I am with Jane I am just… me." You reply.
Emilia smiles back at you. "That's a good feeling, isn't it? You know I think if you tried, you might find that there are a lot of accepting people out there, Maura. People like Jane and me. I'm sure your parents would accept you just the way you are." She says gently.
She watches you carefully and you squirm a little under her gaze, unsure of how to respond. "I'm not going to jump to conclusions but, from a lot of what you've told me… Maura I think you might have Dissociative Identity Disorder."
Your eyes widen a bit in surprise as she continues. "You show some of the symptoms: Anxiety, bouts of depression, panic attacks, phobias and triggers. How you seem to be a total different person around certain company." Emilia explains, folding her hands in her lap.
Suddenly things seem to make sense. "I didn't consider that…" You admit. "I've done a lot of reading, trying to… to figure out what's wrong with me…"
Emilia smiles sympathetically. "It could easily stem from your need to belong. But then again it could be from a multitude of things."
You nod slowly and sigh.
"You've made a lot of progress, Maura. You've really started to come out your shell and you should be proud." Emilia gives you a bright, reassuring smile before her eyes glance above you to the clock hanging on the wall. "Is there anything else you'd like to discuss before we conclude our session?" She asks, leaning forward.
You shake your head in the negative. This is already a lot to take in and you'd rather just go on to your next activity and perhaps let Jane cheer you up. "I don't think so, but thank you."
Emilia chuckles a little. "Of course, Maura." She stands up and you do as well. Her hand touches your shoulder briefly, enough to show you that she cares and then she takes her hand back, knowing that physical contact doesn't always make you comfortable. You've slowly gotten used to her little gestures and they make you smile now instead of flinch. "Tell Jane I said hello and that I'll see her Thursday."
You turn your head to smile and nod before opening the door to exit. As soon as you enter the hall, Dominque is leaning against the wall waiting for you. You've noticed things between Domi and Emilia and it makes you smile briefly. They're not very good at hiding their relationship.
"What's that smile, Bambi? Good session with the doc?" Domi asks as she stands up tall and gently places an arm around your shoulders. Despite your initial reactions to Domi's touches she never strayed away, perhaps since she's generally just a touchy feely person as Jane puts it. You've gotten used to her touches as well and have come to welcome them. "Yes, it was an enlightening session although that was not my reason for smiling." You reply, giving her a grin.
Domi raises her brows at you as you both walk down the hall. "Look at Bambi coming more and more out of her shell. It's so nice to see you smile." She pulls you a little closer and you smile even wider, never tiring of this new feeling of acceptance. "So you gonna tell me what your secret smile is about?" She asks, pressing the button for the elevator.
"No, I don't think so." You reply with a grin as you both step into the elevator.
"I see how it is." She says playfully, removing her arm from your shoulders to cross them over her chest and give you a fake pout. "I thought we were friends." But she can't hide her smile from you and you laugh.
The elevator door opens and on the other side is none other than Jane. The minute you meet her gaze, you can feel your smile get wider.
Domi smirks. "Ah and there's the wolf coming to greet Bambi. What do you have psychic powers or something?" She teases Jane as you both step out.
Jane turns her head to give Domi a look. Her eyebrows wiggle. "Wouldn't you like to know," Your friend chuckles quietly. "For your information, I just happened to be passing by when the elevator door opened." She clarifies, crossing her arms.
Narrowing her eyes, Domi gives Jane a grin. "Sure. We all know you were just waiting here for Bambi." Domi takes your hand and holds it out to Jane before doing a terrible curtsey. "M'ladies…"
You feel yourself blush but you're not sure why as Jane takes your hand, giving Domi an overdramatic eye roll.
"Yeah thanks, maybe you should go on back up to see the good doctor lady, huh? Go curtsey for her." Jane remarks and Domi almost stumbles forward, the blush almost noticeable on her darker skin.
"What?" She squeaks out and it takes everything in you not to giggle at the astonished, wide eyed look on her face.
Jane grins wide and shrugs. "Nothin'. C'mon Maura, I'm starved. Let's go get lunch." She tightens her grip around your hand and hurries off before Domi can say anything else.
As you both take a seat at the lunch tables, trays in front of you, Jane's face changes. "So, how was your session? You okay?" You smile at how much she cares. She always asks how you are after each session. She doesn't ask you about what you discussed, just if you're doing okay.
"I'm fine. It was…" You bite your lip. "I'm not sure I want to discuss it right now." Jane gives you a worried look but you smile. "But I'm okay. Honest."
Jane stares at you, studying your face before she nods and turns her head back to her tray. "Good. I'm glad." She takes a bite of a french fry before turning to look back at you with a wide smile. "Did you see the look on Domi's face? Finally, I caught her off guard." She laughs.
"Jane, that wasn't very nice." You say but your smile gives you away. You've both noticed the lingering looks between the women. You hadn't really thought much of it until after Jane's first session with Emilia. She'd been smirking when she got back and asked if you'd noticed.
It's a bit of a running joke between the two of you, the way they think they're secretive.
The past couple of weeks have been good. You and Jane have gotten closer and Jane has made a lot of progress herself but sometimes you notice certain looks that Jane gives you and it makes your anxiety rise up because you can't read those looks.
But you try not to let that upset you. Jane has always been nothing but honest with you.
"What're you thinking?" Jane's voice breaks through your thoughts.
"Huh?" You look over at her and she glances down at your hands which you now notice are holding a chocolate pudding cup and a spoon which had stopped midway to your mouth. "Oh…" She chuckle and bring the spoon to your lips, swallowing the yummy pudding before answering. "I guess I'm just tired." You reply. It isn't a lie. You feel a little emotionally drained.
Jane gives you a sympathetic look and wraps an arm around you and you automatically sink into her, smiling. "Let's eat lunch and I'll walk you back to your room."
You nod and let your head stay there on her shoulder for a moment longer before you go back to eating, your brain trying to process everything from the day and of course decipher Jane's glances and looks.
"You can teach me more about the human heart." She says with a grin. You smile back.
"Okay."