When It Rains
Chapter 9: Confession

"I... just can't believe he's really gone," Rosie said, her voice cracking. "He did so much for all of us – he started a revolution and gave the whole colony back their freedom, but he never got the chance to enjoy any of it." Slim added, "He was just one ant... but, at the same time, he was so much more than that. He did more than any one ant could ever do." Dim was crying too, and from his nearly-incomprehensible wailing, Rosie managed to figure out that he was so troubled because he thought Flik dying was all his fault. In his somewhat limited intelligence, Dim believed that if he hadn't launched Hopper from the cannon, Flik wouldn't have died.

"No, Dim! None of this was your fault! You falling on the cannon was just an accident. You didn't mean it and you couldn't stop it. You didn't do anything wrong." The spider tried her best to console Dim and reassure him that he wasn't responsible for Flik dying. Tuck and Roll spoke in their native tongue to the massive beetle, and while Dim didn't understand a word of it, he still found comfort in what they were saying. Each pill bug hugged one of Dim's legs since it was the only part of him they could actually embrace with their tiny arms.

Atta was beside herself, not only because of her loss, but knowing what she had done. Flik might still have been alive had it not been for her, and the more she thought about it, the more she regretted her decision to listen to him. Gypsy reached over and held Atta's trembling hands. "I miss him too. I'm so sorry, Princess – I know this must be most difficult for you." Atta wiped the tears from her eyes. "No, you don't understand. I...," she hesitated to tell them at first because she wasn't sure how they'd react. "Hopper didn't kill Flik." Everyone's attention turned to Atta upon hearing this because they'd all assumed up to that point that Hopper was Flik's killer. Her voice tentative, the princess came clean and finished her confession; as Flik's friends, she felt they had a right to know the truth. "... I killed him."

Heimlich shook his head. "It vasn't your fault you didn't find him in time." Atta choked on her words. "When I found him... Hopper had only dismembered him. I don't even know where Hopper went to." Never in her life did Atta ever think she'd precede the word "dismembered" with the word "only."

"Wait, he was still alive when you found him?" Slim asked.

Atta nodded, attempting to keep her self-control from disintegrating before she shared the whole story. "Yes. I wanted to get him back to the anthill. I begged him to let me bring him home so we could help him, but he..." she paused, trying to brace her heart and sanity to tell remainder of her secret, "... he asked me to kill him." The circus bugs gaped at her in horror. "He... he looked right at me and said, 'I want you to kill me.'" Every single one of the other insects was stunned, not only over Atta's confession, but that Flik had been in such tremendous pain that he'd even made the request. "I didn't want to do it – I didn't. It was the most horrible thing I've ever had to see or do, and if I could have given my own life to let him live, I would have in a second. The look in his eyes... I've never seen such hopelessness and pain in anyone's eyes before." She sniffled and her voice cracked. "He'd... he'd still be alive if I hadn't listened to him." Francis started to ask, "So, that wound in his chest..."

The princess fell forward out of her seat, holding her head in her hands and screaming. "What have I done?! I killed him! After everything he went through, and I killed him!" Rosie caught Atta in her arms before she hit the ground and held her. "Please don't think that way, Princess. You did what he asked you to do."

"But he wasn't thinking straight! He was in pain and shock! He could've lived and been okay! I'm a murderer!" Atta sobbed harder in the spider's arms than she ever had before and she cried herself into hyperventilation. As the gravity of her actions sank in further and further, Flik's passing suddenly became an even more unbearable reality for the princess. Hopper may have done the damage, but Atta was the one who actually finished him off, and once the fog of loss had begun to dissipate, a clearer view of what she'd done revealed itself. This knowledge wounded her in ways too profound for her to bear.

Though still quite taken aback at Atta's actions, Slim tried to console the bereaved princess. "Don't say that. You fulfilled Flik's final wish, and given the shape he was in, I understand why he'd ask you to do that. Had I been in his place, I probably would've asked the same thing." Francis added his own solacing remarks where Slim had left off. "Life's not always just about being alive, Atta – it's about the quality of life. Flik knew he'd have none and he didn't want to live if he couldn't live to the fullest." Gypsy said, "And there's no way you could know if he'd have lived after what Hopper did to him."

The circus bugs were quite supportive of the princess once they learned the entire truth, which surprised her. Atta looked down at the ground, her vision almost completely clouded by tears and her entire being consumed by guilt. "Just... tell me I did the right thing. Please tell me I didn't murder an innocent ant for no reason."

Manny did his best to ease her feelings of remorse. "What you did for Flik was very selfless, Your Highness. It would've been very easy to ignore his last request and go against his wishes. It would have been easier to bring him here and keep him alive in a totally incapacitated and hopeless state. But the best choices are seldom the easiest to make." Atta looked up at the wise old mantis. "In the short time I knew Flik, I could tell he wasn't an insect that gave up right away, so for him to ask such a significant kindness – especially from someone he was so fond of – meant that he truly couldn't go on. To allow him to live would have been the more cruel choice. You ended his suffering, Atta."

The princess wiped her eyes, not entirely convinced of her innocence, but the flames of regret burned her conscience a little less intensely. "Thank you for your reassurance. I just can't help feeling like I've done something terrible. Please, though... please don't tell Dot what I've done. She'd never understand or forgive me." The circus bugs agreed to keep her secret; the younger princess was hurting enough already without this knowledge heaped on top of her grief. Little did any of them realize that Atta's little sister had been standing outside the chamber listening the entire time.

Author's notes: Uh-oh, Dot knows what really happened now. Also, that wasn't a typo in Heimlich's tiny line of dialogue. It's his accent. I did my best to divide up the circus bugs' dialogue as evenly as possible among the ones who speak coherently, so hopefully nobody talks too much more than anybody else. Stay tuned for chapter 10, folks! And thank you all again for taking time to read and/or leave comments. :)