Author's Note:
Seriously, you guys are amazing! I LOVE my reviewers! You guys rock! You seriously make my day when you review. We have reached 44 reviews! (Yes, I'm seriously celebrating that amount. It's amazing for me.)
I had someone mention Rose being 'controlled' or maybe even tame. I think a lot of Rose's outbursts in the books were caused by spirit. Now that she is no longer bonded, I like to think it wouldn't affect her anymore. I know she's sassy and has quite a bit of an attitude even without spirit, but after studying the books, I also think Rose has matured over the course of the series. So I'm trying to portray Rose as wild, sassy and opinionated, but also one who has learned from her actions over time and has grown into being an adult. Hopefully I'm succeeding? I'm not calling anyone out, I just wanted to clear the air on my opinion in case anyone else felt like I was watering down Rose. I guess it's been a fear of mine.
I've had two wonderful people volunteer to be my Beta. I'm still trying to figure out how all this beta stuff will work… So in the mean time I thought I would post this chapter since it is already finished. It's unbeta-ed, so hopefully we can start the whole beta thing next chapter. No reason to keep ya'll in suspense while I figure out this website.
If you guys haven't read Reality Bites by Swimming in the Same Deep Waters, YOU SHOULD. She just finished the series today, and I'm completely heart broken. Its 102 chapters long, and it had become part of my daily ritual to read her stories. I don't know what I'm going to do! Anyways, it's completely awesome- check it out.
Chapter 11
Here Dimitri and I were, sitting in our court borrowed SUV, driving towards grounds known to house the Keepers. After a particularly comical pit stop, Dimitri finally initiated 'the conversation'. No, this wasn't the talk about the birds and the bees. He had technically demonstrated that talk to me several months ago in the cabin, although that hadn't been his plan. No, this talk was about the other night. I had left our shared suite after refusing to listen to his excuses about staying out late with Irina, and hadn't come home until the next morning. I had been angry and hurt. This entire car ride I had been acting like nothing happened, leaving my boyfriend a little confused. After all, I was known for being particularly dramatic. I personally liked seeing him second guess himself as I wore my guardian mask like a badge of honor.
"Rose." He started, but hesitated before continuing. "I want to talk about last night." He stopped there, waiting to assess my reaction. At first, I gave no indication that I heard him. I kept my eyes on the road, with no immediate discernable reaction. I let the silence hang in the air. I was usually one who was fast with witty quips and sarcastic comebacks, but I was learning to rather enjoy this suffer in silence gig. Finally, I gave him a side long glance before turning my attention back to the road. He had been watching me and my every move, not that you move a whole lot while you're driving. Our eyes had connected. Per usual, we could communicate so many things when our eyes connected. It's as if our eyes were the windows to our souls and since we were so in sync we could share the deepest desires of our souls to one another just by sharing eye contact. His face had been open to me, showing the emotion plainly. After nearly always remembering him with a guardian face, it was an amazing sight to see. He loves me, and he's not afraid to show it. It was one of those things that made me want to melt right into my seat. I couldn't show such weakness as the driver, however.
"What about last night?" I asked plainly, finally consenting to addressing this topic. I kept my eyes on the road, my hands positioned at ten and two on the wheel.
"Where did you go last night when you didn't come back home?" Asked Dimitri. Both my eyebrows rose in surprise since I was physically unable to pull off the signature Dimitri one eyebrow trick. Seriously, practical things like that should be taught in schools at a young age. I would have appreciated it.
"Out of any question you could ask, that's what you want to know?" I started incredulously. "Not asking why I left, why I was so mad, why I wouldn't listen to you, or anything like that?" I kept glancing between him and the road, wanting to gauge his reaction. He hadn't outright said it, but it felt like he was accusing me of being with another man last night. A little flare of fire kindled in my gut. Just because I didn't spend last night with you, Comrade, doesn't mean I spent it in the arms of another man.
"It's a start Rose. It might be hard for you to believe, but it's hard for a man to sleep at night when he isn't sure where his woman is, or if she is safe." He said softly. I could hear the concern in his voice. One glance at him told me what I needed to know. He had that far off look in his eye, as if remembering last night. I had left him alone with his thoughts, his guilt. He had been worried about me.
"We were at court, isn't that one of the safest places on earth to be?" I asked, not quite giving him what he wanted. I was answering his question with a question. Even I knew that was infuriating. I purposefully didn't bring up the thought that had sparked anger deep within me.
"That's not the point and you know it." He said, with a tone of frustration lining his voice.
"Then what is the point?" I retorted, my patience snapping momentarily. "Can't trust me to be on my own for one night? Afraid that if I'm not in your arms, that I'll flee to the arms of another man? Are you afraid that in one moment of weakness, I'll run to the closest guy and cheat on you like I did with Adrian?" I asked, my voice raised. The fire raging within my body had suddenly erupted like a grease fire, taking control of me. I hadn't even known where those words were coming from. Is this what I was afraid he would think of me? Did I just personify my fears onto Dimitri? I was suddenly at a loss for what had spewed from my mouth. I felt the fire dwindle down as soon as I began to second guess myself. One glance at Dimitri, and I realized he was at a loss for words too. Yet he was the one who found his voice first.
"Is that what you think I think of you?" He asked softly and earnestly.
"What is it with people answering my questions with questions?" I muttered as a response under my breath, even though I had just been guilty of the same crime moments before. It was in that moment that I saw an opportunity. There was an exit leading to a rest stop, one where truckers might stop to snooze for a few hours. There were parking spaces, picnic areas and a restroom. I had quickly realized that this wasn't a conversation to be had while driving. As much as I had hoped to use driving as an excuse to prolong his suffering, I realized how that the distraction of driving could be a rather large hindrance to our conversation. Of course there was always the danger of allowing this conversation to distract me from diving. Vehicles are just over sized weapons after all. Without consulting Dimitri, I took the exit, parking near one of the picnic areas. It was all good though, because it appeared to give Dimitri time to collect his thoughts and assess my outburst.
"You've let what Adrian said get to you." Dimitri stated before I could exit the vehicle. I halted all movement, my brows furrowing. I was momentarily lost in thought. Coming back to my senses, I grabbed my bag of treats and my drink from the cup holder.
"Come on Comrade, let's go sit." I said, not waiting for a reply. Moments later I was out of the vehicle, making my way towards a picnic table. We had left court during the vampiric morning. Now that it was several hours later, the sun was fully down. Since it was summer, it still felt amazing outside. It was cool, but not cold. There was a slight breeze that permeated a smell that could only be classified as 'outside'. It was nice and refreshing after spending so long at court. I took a deep breath, allowing the crisp air to permeate my lungs.
Dimitri was only steps behind me, choosing to sit across from me at the table. He had taken my lead and picked up his own small bag of refreshments. We sat in a comfortable silence as we grabbed our own items to eat. I chose Sour Patch Watermelon soft and chewy candy. As advertised it was a wonderful symphony of sour and sweet in my mouth, sending me into a mini sugary bliss. Dimitri chose a bag of chips to begin consuming as he watched me. It was a comfortable silence, both of us contemplating what to say.
"I've barely thought twice about what Adrian said to me." I finally said, choosing to break the silence. Dimitri seemingly had been waiting for such a move.
"That doesn't mean it didn't affect you. Are you afraid that I could think of you as some cheating whore?" Asked Dimitri softly. It was a question due to curiosity, there was no judgement intermingled in his voice. Neither of us stopped munching on our snacks. It gave us time to think about what to say next. It was a slow conversation, but peaceful.
"Not consciously. I hadn't thought about it at all until you asked where I was. It was as if you didn't trust me, and all of a sudden things came spewing out of my mouth that I didn't even recognize, like word vomit." I said slowly after taking my time on chewing one of my sugary delights. Dimitri didn't even recognize my Mean Girls reference, completely skipping over it to his next point. I shook my head. That didn't even elicit a smile.
"So would it be correct to say that it's possible that subconsciously you're afraid that I might think about you in such a way?" He asked, his voice soothing to my ears. I looked up from my treats, my eyes narrowing slightly. How did this get to be about me? Weren't we supposed to be talking about him?
"I suppose it's possible. I can't bear to imagine you believing such things about me. I hope you realize that I'm not that type of person. It happened due to unusual circumstances. I wouldn't have even dated Adrian if I had been able to get you out of those caves alive." I said, my voice dropping another octave. He didn't have to ask for further explanation. He understood. If Dimitri had never been Strigoi, Adrian would never have become my boyfriend. Adrian had helped me through a difficult time, but once Dimitri was back it became a different ballpark. You can't ignore someone who can speak to your soul on a spiritual level. It's impossible. It was something Adrian couldn't comprehend, yet Dimitri and I understood it implicitly. Dimitri reached over, his hand barely touching mine. It was enough to drag me out of my thoughts. I hadn't even realized that I had begun to zone out. He was smiling, knowingly.
"I would never think such things of you, Roza. Our Journey has been far from easy, but I believe the best of you. We all have our flaws, but I see every day how much you love me. It's in your eyes, the way that you move, your actions." He said eagerly, attempting to meet my eyes. My gaze had drifted back to my Sour Patch Watermelon candies, and I purposefully left it there.
"The church. That's where I eventually landed up last night, where I ended up passing out on the pews. Before that I was just running blindly, running from my fears, my anger and everything else." I said as if I were on autopilot. My eyes were unfocused, remembering the event.
"But why did you run?" Asked Dimitri. My hand paused inches away from my mouth, frozen in mid action of replenishing my mouth that had finished off the previous watermelon candy. My eyes shot up to Dimitri in surprise.
"I thought that was obvious. I needed my space, and it didn't look like you were going to give it to me." I answered slowly, still a little shocked. He preceded to ask the next stupidest question.
"Why did you need your space?" My eyes narrowed as he spoke. I popped the candy in my mouth, no longer frozen in place. I put my fingers to my lips in a very pensive gesture, although my eyes were glaring at him rather accusingly. I didn't feel the need to answer him. If he hadn't been able to figure that much out on his own, then he wasn't ready for this conversation. He seemed to wait for me to respond. Once I popped a new candy into my mouth and continued just staring at him, I think he got the message.
"Was it because I came home so late?" He finally asked, breaking the silence between us.
"Hmmmm." I started, my fingers still on my lips. "That might have something to do with it." I finished with a slight sarcastic tone. Dimitri sighed like we were back at St. Vladimir's. It held a slightly exasperated edge, though it was still full of endearment.
"I was out late with Irina." He finally conceded. I nodded, acknowledging that this was part of our problem. However, I didn't address it. Popping another watermelon candy into my mouth, I waited for him to say more. I refused to let him speak about it last night, but now I would wait for him. My patience has seemingly restored itself. I would wait for his explanation of his behavior. We both sat peacefully for a few moments, munching on our own snacks. Finally he sighed, running his hand through his hair.
"This is going to sound like a stupid excuse, but we lost track of time. I haven't seen Irina since we graduated from the Academy. We broke up, knowing it would be impossible to keep a long distance relationship. We hadn't kept in touch. So last night we were catching up with each other's lives." He started. I hadn't made a sound, so the look on my face must have hinted at my displeasure. "Don't look at me like that. I talked about Ivan, his life, his death. Then I moved on to talking about my work at St. Vladimir's, which lead me to talking about you. Although I couldn't get into the details of our relationship at school, I told her how you were an inspirational student. I told her about how you saved me from my – unnatural state. I told her how I fell for you and how you captivate my being. I spent a lot of time just talking about you." He continued, smiling at me or the memory. "She also filled me in on her life since graduation and how she came to find out about my death. She talked about it inspiring her into joining the guardian ranks, although I still feel like it's the wrong motivation for such a life changing experience." He sighed, realizing he was getting a little off track. "The point is, I didn't mean to stay out so late. I was enjoying catching up with a friend. When I realized how late it really was, I immediately came home to you." He finally finished. I stared at his facial features the entire time, reading his emotions. I could see each feeling flit across his amazing handsome facial features as it morphed into another emotion. Just watching Dimitri was a sight to see. Not everyone got to see so much of Dimitri's sentiments on display. You're special Rose.
"Do you understand why I was upset?" I finally asked quietly after nodding in understanding to his words. I could feel a subtle shift in myself after hearing that I had been a main topic of discussion. It hadn't excused his actions, but it made me feel a little better. His eyes focused solely on me again. Our eyes connected and the predictable happened, as it had a million times before that. Our eyes shared messages with one another. It was in those deep pools of molten chocolate that I knew someone understood me, someone loved me. Lissa was like a sister to me, someone who had been there for me for years, but she didn't understand me in the way Dimitri did.
"You're not very fond of Irina." Dimitri said, barely audible. It was like he was too caught up in the bond between our eyes. I couldn't help but smile as I snorted in response, my eyes shifting away from Dimitri's. There was something powerful about that gaze, something tangible between us. It couldn't be maintained at all moments, and laughing at his misjudgment was not one of those moments.
"You're right, I don't like her. Then again, I don't know her either. I do know that she doesn't respect our relationship. She looks at you with these big innocent doe eyes as if she worships you." I started. Dimitri gave me one of those looks as if I were being hypocritical. And yeah, maybe I had looked at him like that while we were at St. Vladimir's, but I was his equal now. "She doesn't care that you have a girlfriend. She'll do anything in her power to get you back. I can feel it radiating off of her like a bitch in heat." I finished.
Dimitri raised one of his eyebrows at the phrase. Some small part of me felt like every time he did that, he was subtly mocking my inability to accomplish such a maneuver. Yes, I could kill countless Strigoi, but try to raise one eyebrow and I was useless. I mumbled something about 'bitch' being the correct terminology to use for a female dog so he shouldn't be giving me that look for such a good metaphor.
"She knows I love you, Rose." Dimitri stated simply. His big beautiful eyes bore into me, wishing me to understand.
"Does she? Unless you said it last night, you haven't said it once in front of her. As far as she's concerned, you might not be that committed to me yet so she might have a chance to steal you away." The look that crossed Dimitri's face at my words was interesting to see. He wasn't sure about the accuracy of my words.
"Surely she knows, I must have said it." Dimitri mumbled, his voice trailing off. I could mentally see him replaying all the conversations in his head. His eyes were unfocused, his attention turned inward. I let him ruminate on that thought train for a while longer, finishing off my bag of Sour Patch Watermelon Candies and opening a bag of skittles. Mmmmm skittles, always a classic. I popped several into my mouth, letting the bold flavors coalesce on my tongue. Finally I decided to interrupt his thought process. I knew no matter how hard he thought back, he wouldn't remember a time where he told Irina that he loved me. It had been a major oversight on his part, assuming Irina already knew.
"Those guys back there-" I started. Dimitri's gaze snapped back to attention, his eyes becoming sharp.
"You mean those fools back at the gas station?" Asked Dimitri with a hard undertone to his voice. I recounted my earlier description of them as buffoons, a term that made me snicker internally.
"Yeah, those guys. Did I make it appear in the slightest that I was interested in them?" I asked. He shook his head slowly. "Did I leave any room for interpretation in my disinterest in them?" I asked again. His move mirrored his previous response to my last question. "I made it known that I had a boyfriend. When that didn't work, I moved on to other tactics or clearer phrases to get my point across. I didn't want them. It was unrequited attention." I started, feeling at a loss of words to adequately explain how I really felt.
"And you don't feel like I've sufficiently expressed to Irina my desire for you?" He asked, or guessed.
"Or at least that you're not interested in her. She's got it bad for you, Belikov." I said in a teasing, yet serious tone. He honest to goodness rolled his eyes at me. Right then and there I wanted nothing more than for him to take me into his arms. I love how open he is with me. As if reading my mind, he slowly got up from the table and joined me on my side. I had been straddling the bench below me, making it easier for me to break eye contact with my man. It gave me the illusion that I had more time to think before answering his questions. Now he was sitting himself down beside me, or rather behind me. He scooted close to me as he also straddled the bench before pulling me into his chest. I closed my eyes, relaxing into his embrace, relishing the feel of my body against his.
"Do you doubt my intentions for you, Milaya?" He murmured into my ear. I could feel his breath tickling my skin. It caused my body to erupt in shivers. If my nipples hadn't been erect due to the crisp night air, they certainly were now. One of his arms was draped around my shoulders, the other around my abdomen. My right hand grasped the arm around my shoulders soothingly, my left laying directly on top of his arm around my midsection. It felt comfortable, intimate.
"No." I said softly, barely audible. I knew Dimitri heard it though. He buried his face into my hair, inhaling the scent of it that he so enjoyed. "Just make sure she understands, mkay?" I murmured, fully enjoying leaning back into his rock hard body. That man was all muscle. He nodded before kissing my hair. Our talk had lead me to feeling peaceful. Of course, Dimitri usually had a calming effect on me.
"Please don't run away from me again, Milaya." He breathed. It was so close to my ear, yet again sending shivers down my body. I wasn't cold though, I could never be cold while in this close of proximity to Dimitri's body. I bowed my head the little that I could, since Dimitri's arm was blocking me from moving it further. He clenched me to him tighter, feeling the motion. "It was so hard to watch you run away from me. I had this irrational fear well up inside of me, telling me that I had lost you yet again. I looked everywhere I could think of to find you. Lissa's guardians hadn't seen you, neither had the ones that were positioned outside Christian's suite. I checked the gym. I walked by every place I could think of. I even peeked inside the Church, but it was early on, so you might not have arrived yet. I went back to our suite, dejected. My last hope was that you went home and I would miraculously find you there. But you weren't. When I saw you this morning –" He trailed off, his Russian accent thick with emotion. He didn't continue, but I understood what he was saying. It had been a major relief to see me that morning, as it was for me to see him. His face was buried in my hair again, his grip around me tighter than ever. After wishing him to suffer all day, I hadn't expected his turn of events. I wanted him to realize that he had messed up. I hadn't recognized though, that he had mentally punished himself all night long. Part of me wondered if he had slept at all.
"When I was in the church, I cursed myself for running. I don't want to fight with you, or be apart from you. An old instinct just washed over me, and I gave in without thinking about it. Although part of me knew it earlier, I realized while I was laying in the pews that I want us to succeed. I will fight for our relationship, through thick and thin. It's not going to be easy, but that is part of what makes us worthwhile. We are willing to fight for one another." I said softly, my hand squeezing his arm. He squeezed my whole body back in a sign of understanding and agreement. Then he went back to holding me just as tight as before, placing kisses down my neck. I felt like I was melting into him. It was a tender, emotional moment. I wished it never had to end, but reality is hardly ever so pleasant. Our mission was looming ahead of us. We both knew we had to get back on the road, we had already taken too much personal time. It had been worth it though.
We finally gathered up all of our things, and Dimitri led me back to the SUV hand in hand. He stopped me before I could open my car door. I had no plans on abdicating the driver's seat, so I prepared myself for an argument. Instead he spun me around, firmly pressing me up against the door, kissing me deeply. It took me by surprise, taking me a moment to relax into the kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him back just as deeply. The world felt right again, as if that kiss could knock an unbalanced world back into its' proper axis. When he finally pulled away, he was breathless. Hell, we both were. He rested his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. It almost felt like he needed that reconnection of our souls as validation of our continued romance. A sign that he hadn't actually lost me. I couldn't hold back the smile that grew on my face. A complimentary smile graced his handsome features as well.
He opened the car door for me, being the gentleman I knew him to be. He watched as I literally hopped into the SUV. He would have offered to help me, but knew me well enough to know I would take offense to such an action. At 5'7" I didn't feel like I had to convince people that I wasn't short.
He shut the car door, making his way around the SUV with our bags. Yes, he had insisted on carrying both bags of refreshments this time. After sliding his long frame into the passenger seat, replacing our drinks back in the cup holders and safely storing our refreshments, I finally started the vehicle and pulled out of the rest stop. We still had several hours on the road if we were to make it to the Keeper's. I was dead set on making it in one day and getting it over with.
This time, the drive was going to be a lot more comfortable, for the both of us.
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