They were getting stared at by the Californian commuters. It was like no one had ever seen a ghost-white, shirtless man and his sunhat-bedecked wife out for a morning drive in their wisteria jeep before. A man who had probably gotten into a fist fight recently. With his face. Yumichika had really expected more from California. You shouldn't believe the hype, as it turns out.
Route 66 was nearing its end, and they were coming to the realization that they had no idea where Yachiru had been headed. Ikkaku had pulled out his phone again and was poking at it like he was texting. Not texting very well, but texting.
"What are you doing now? Typing out your will?"
"I'm trying to get ahold of Rangiku. She was supposed to be at that thing. She would know where it is."
"Why don't you call her? Isn't she answering?"
"No, I kept getting her voice mail. It's not even her own recording, you know? It's her boss."
"I guess I haven't gotten her voice mail before. Why is her boss doing her voice mail recording? Isn't that kind of intrusive?"
"It's just him apologizing to the world for her behavior and asking us to call him instead. Says she never bothers to check her messages."
"That's fair. She doesn't check her email much, either. Why DON'T you call him?"
Ikkaku wrinkled his nose in distaste. "It always feels like he's lecturing me. He's, what, twelve? He can mind his own business!"
"Rangiku certainly isn't going to mind her business if he doesn't do it for her."
"Yeah. I guess he would know where she is. I'll do it."
He did it. He made a lot of faces while doing it. Most of them were not kind, but he probably regretted making most of them thanks to his sunburned face and purple nose. Finally, he hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket. He grimaced (at the phone, although his hands were burned, too).
"All he knew was that it's somewhere near Los Angeles, some sort of swanky guy's house. He also said I should be at work, and that I probably need to pay my rent."
"Don't you?"
"No! I'm not a bum!"
"Huh. You know, I've been thinking there was something I forgot to do when we left. Maybe it was bills!"
"You can pay your bills when we get home! We're busy! Now, how are we gonna find one rich dude in a whole state full of rich dudes?"
Yumichika didn't respond. He was staring at the oncoming traffic, his head slowly swiveling to follow something past. "Did you just see that?"
"See what?" Ikkaku craned his neck, trying to see without touching anything or stretching his crunchy skin.
"That motorcycle! With the pink helmet! And the tiny person! It's her!" Yumichika was already frantically looking for a place to turn around.
"I see it! Yes!" Ikkaku had turned around completely and was shading his eyes against the rising sun. "She's getting away! Go!"
"I can't turn any faster! Watch her!" He finally got them turned around in a highly questionable u-turn maneuver. The people he had jumped in front of provided a collection of rude shouts and gestures, which they did not see. Their attention was glued to the pink dot in the distance.
Ikkaku, frustrated with his limited vantage point, stood up in his seat and grabbed the front of the jeep frame with one hand, pointing wildly with the other. "SHE TOOK THAT EXIT. WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW. GO!"
"THIS PIECE OF JUNK WAS NOT DESIGNED FOR CAR CHASES. I CAN LITERALLY GO NO FASTER."
They were at this point dodging in and out of the morning commute, once more earning a reputation for being dangerous morons from Kansas. Dangerous suicidal morons, in Ikkaku's case. Normal people don't stand up in open-topped vehicles, especially open-topped vehicles pushing ninety miles per hour.
Ikkaku, keeping a close watch on the pink helmet, squinted suddenly in confusion. "Why are there two people on the bike?"
"What do they look like? Is it someone we know?"
"I don't know ANYBODY around here. It's definitely not Rangiku."
"Who's driving?"
"The other guy."
"Guy? You didn't say it was a guy! What if she's been kidnapped?"
"WHY ARE WE TALKING WHEN WE SHOULD BE GOING FASTER?"
"I HAVE NO IDEA."
They were closing in on the motorcycle when the driver happened to take a look behind him. He saw a couple of dangerous morons from Kansas closing in on him, fast. One of them was standing shirtless in the passenger seat and shaking his fist. The motorcycle driver did what any sensible person would do. He screamed and sped away like he was being chased by a pair of dangerous morons from Kansas. The pink helmeted passenger had to hold on for dear life at the sudden acceleration.
Ikkaku shook his fist with increased fervor. "HE SAW US! HE'S GETTING AWAY! HE'S DEFINITELY A KIDNAPPER!"
"HOW CAN SUCH AN OLD BIKE MOVE SO FAST?"
"PROBABLY NITRO!"
"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!"
"I JUST REALIZED THAT SHUT UP."
Somehow, despite the disparity in performance, they were gaining on the motorcycle. It might have had something to do with the driver not being a dangerous moron from Kansas. Well, he might have been from Kansas. Maybe he was even a moron. But normal people do not engage in car chases with complete strangers. It does not happen. It is not safe. Don't do that.
Actually, by a quirk of fate and infrastructural planning, they were running out of road. The pavement was getting worse and worse. Accordingly, the stupid off-road tires were becoming less and less stupid, and the motorcycle looked like it was struggling. It slowed. Yumichika and Ikkaku both roared in victory and pulled alongside it.
The other driver gave them the finger and shouted across to them, "SHOVE OFF, BALDY! AND THE OTHER ONE!" The bike gave a huge wobble and he returned both hands to the task of steering.
"STOP OR PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!" Ikkaku was gesturing expansively with both arms now at the other driver, foot hooked on the arm rest and leaning over the side of the jeep.
That particular demand didn't sit well with Yumichika. "What are we, pirates? That's stupid. HE DIDN'T MEAN IT. HE'S NOT REALLY GOING TO JUMP ON YOU. DON'T JUMP ON THEM! AND I'M NOT 'THE OTHER ONE!'"
At that point, no one was looking at the road anymore. Everyone was screaming, Ikkaku was getting ready to jump out of the jeep, they were getting slower and slower as the road got worse and worse, the guy on the bike was losing control of his bike. They hit the end of the road. He lost control of his bike. Both riders went flying into the ditch.
Yumichika, who had been watching the motorcycle and not the road, slammed on the brake. The jeep stopped surprisingly well, thanks be to off-road tires, for all it was not moving terribly fast anymore. Ikkaku also went flying into the ditch. Yumichika swore, tore off his seatbelt (which he had been wearing the entire time - the whole trip, actually!) and jumped out of the jeep, hopping to keep his balance down the hill. "Don't be dead! Nobody be dead!"
The ditch was full of agricultural runoff water and flailing bodies. They were not dead. They looked pretty upset, though. Ikkaku had landed on his face, again (and again not really seriously), and was getting lotion everywhere as he tried to get the mud out of his tender nose. He was surrounded in the water by a rapidly growing rainbow sheen. The driver seemed to be stuck in the deep mud of the opposite bank. The pink helmeted passenger had struggled out of his helmet and seemed to be trying not to drown. He was not Yachiru at all. He was some random dude from California.
Yumichika stood and stared for a moment, the realization sinking in that they had just run two complete strangers off the road. There was something distinctly illegal about that. Unethical, at the very least. Then he squared his shoulders, verified the security of his sunhat, rolled up his sleeves and went to fish the poor tiny guy out of the ditch. He used a stick he found by the road. Touching mud was just asking too much of him.