The final leg of the journey was surprisingly uneventful. Suspiciously uneventful. The cashier who gave them directions at the National Forest wasn't even badly dressed, and nothing hit Ikkaku in the face. Neither of them could speak for the last few miles, too busy glancing wildly at half-seen shapes and phantom sounds, expecting something terrible to happen. Yumichika pulled up to the gate of the incredibly expensive-looking house and realized he was drenched in nervous sweat.

Ikkaku peered at the Fancy Pants estate, breaking the silence. "If the Hellbeast is in there, I don't wanna know how much crap she's broken."

"It does look expensive, doesn't it?"

"This guy must have the Fanciest Pants in California."

"Not if it's that guy, he doesn't." Yumichika pointed at somebody coming toward the gate.

On a second glance, that somebody was slinking furtively toward the gate. Ikkaku shaded his eyes and peered harder. "Wait, do we know him?"

"..." Yumichika rubbed his chin, wracking the depths of his exhaustion-fried brain. "Abarai? Irritating kid? Red hair?"

Ikkaku smacked his palm. "That's the one! HEY! RENJI! WHAT'S WITH THE SNEAKING?"

Renji Abarai, irritating kid, red hair, formerly of Kansas, jumped and began to perform wild shooshing motions. He scurried the rest of the way to the gate and pressed into the shadow of the gate post, then bristled at them. "What are you guys doing here? Are you trying to get me killed?"

Yumichika's eyes went wide with interest. He leaned on his elbow out the open window and inspected Renji. "Why, are you burgling? Now's not the best time, you know."

"For one thing, it's the middle of the afternoon." Ikkaku leaned over Yumichika to address Renji as well. "For another, the Hellbeast is in there. Did you ever meet her? You'd remember if you met her."

Renji looked nonplussed by their pleasantries. "I'm not burgling! I work for the owner. Or I did until I let a bunch of crazy women camp out in the conference room." He raked a hand through his hair absentmindedly, throwing his ponytail into disarray. As he spoke, he was periodically glancing back at the house, as if expecting pursuit. "It was fine until they asked me to be in their calendar. Nude calendar! Artistic, they said!" He snorted in derision. "Sexual harassment is what I say. Told them no! Now a couple of really tiny chicks I've never even met are trying to drag me back to their perverted photo shoot. It's awful!"

Ikkaku and Yumichika listened with mystified fascination to the entire story, leaning heavily on the car door. When Renji finally finished, Ikkaku carefully rubbed at his nose, a nose rub of deep thought, and asked what was undoubtedly the most relevant question for the situation:

"Didn't you come out here to go to school? How did you end up here?"

Renji renewed his bristle. "None of your business! What are you two even doing here, and why do you look like that? Wait, no. There's no time for this." He slipped carefully through the gate. "Can you give me a lift? We can try to outrun them."

But Yumichika had removed the keys and was climbing out of the driver's seat. Ikkaku slithered out as well, leaving traces of lotion in his wake. Renji was taken aback.

"Nope!"

"Sorry."

"No can do."

Yumichika crossed his arms imperiously, paused to readjust his sunhat, then re-crossed his arms. "The time for driving is over! This journey has reached its end! No more shenanigans!"

"Unless it's a nude calendar." Ikkaku added. "I could get on board with naked shenanigans."

Yumichika nodded decisively. "So long as it's artistic."

They both marched through the open gate, bad retro lady spy and lotion-coated red panda together. Renji was left twiddling his thumbs next to the wisteria jeep, and gagged a bit when he noticed the color properly. He'd been living in California for a while, after all.