"Unsteady"
2:
The things Jane could remember most from her childhood were days spent with her father. They were often seldom, because he worked a lot, including holidays as those seemed to be the busiest times of the year for plumbers (go figure). When she did get to spend time with her father, it was almost as if he was trying to make up for all the lost time, but being a small girl, Jane didn't care much about that. She only cared that she got to be with her Pop.
She remembered her father taking her to see the Red Sox every year. She would get so excited because that meant she got to eat nachos and hot dogs; it meant she got to wear her ball glove in hopes of catching a stray ball; it meant, most of all, that she got hours of her father's undivided attention as they rattled on throughout the game about the stats of players and pointing out all of the exciting plays.
She remembered going to the petting zoo and how her father would hold her hand as they walked through the fenced in area petting smelly animals that a seven year old Jane awed by. She remembered as she got older that Frankie and Tommy would tag along, grasping their Ma's hands as Jane and her father moved on slightly ahead of them.
She'd been a daddy's girl since the day she was born, and only increasingly so as her mother bore two sons and no more daughters. She was the only girl and her father's pride and joy. (She figured it helped a little bit that she was so much of a tomboy.)
She remembered her first school dance, and how her Ma had bawled at how beautiful she looked (really, she was a gangly teenager with limbs too long for her body and a waist that was too small to fit any clothes properly). Her Pa had stood off to the side during the pinning of broches and exchanges of corsages. He'd been silent as he watched her and her friends, along with their dates, take pictures and act silly like teenagers do. Jane remembered noticing him standing off to the side of the other parents that filled her best friend Emily's living room. She walked over to him and hugged him, thanking him.
"For what, Janie?" He had questioned, one arm encircling the small girl.
"For letting me go. I know money is tight," she used hushed tones but the sincerity in her voice was clear. Before allowing him to respond, she'd pulled away, giving him a smile that she reserved solely for him, that had always been present when he did something to make her happy, and then she rejoined her friends.
"Jane?" A soft hand on her shoulder jolted Jane out of her thoughts and she sniffled, wiping her eyes furiously before grounding her palms into them.
She sighed shakily, "Hi."
Maura sat down silently beside her on the wooden pew. It had taken Maura all of five minutes to figure out where Jane had gone when she didn't return from a "bathroom" trip. They'd never spoken of it, but Maura knew that when things got really tough Jane turned to her Catholic upbringing to try and bring her solace. Even though Maura didn't believe, she knew that it could provide a calming effect on people and Jane was no exception. She was searching for answers, now more than ever, and something about her religion seemed to bring her peace in times like these.
She wrapped her arm around the lanky detective's bony shoulders and leaned in close, squeezing her arm lightly, "How are you doing?"
Jane simply shrugged, jutting a shoulder into the air, "I'm fine. Just thinking," a pause, "How'd you find me?" She sniffled again and Maura knew she was anything but fine. She kept this "revelation" to herself and continued to keep the brunette woman close to her.
"Just a hunch," Maura replied, noticing that Jane was fiddling with a ring on her middle finger. It wasn't a ring Maura had ever seen Jane wear, but it looked to be worn. It was gold, with a thick, chunky band that looked out of place on Jane's long, thin digit. "I've never seen that before," she nodded her head in the direction of the spinning ring.
"What?" Jane looked down and immediately stilled her motions, a small flush creeping up her neck, "It's nothing," she mumbled, heaving a sigh and choosing instead to stare up at the stain glass window with a cross painted on it.
"Okay, we don't have to talk," Maura stated, smiling softly at her friend's profile. Jane had yet to actually look at her. She turned her attention to the window as well, admiring how intricate the designs were for a hospital chapel. They sat in silence that way, both lost in their own thoughts for a while.
Jane was the first to speak, and it was so softly that Maura had to strain to hear the words, "It was my granddad's ring. My dad gave it to me because…" a pause, and a half shrug, "Well, shit, I don't remember why. He just thought I should have it because I loved my granddad so much. He was kinda like my dad, always working and never really around, but he was fun and we did stuff together. I guess my dad thought it would help me get over it…" She trailed off, glancing back down at her hands, at the too big ring on her finger, and began twirling it again.
"It reminds you of your dad too," Maura stated knowingly.
"I… Yeah. It does," For the first time Jane looked at Maura, tears shining in her eyes, "As much as I want to be angry, I'm just…" She choked on a sob, one errant tear escaping her eye, "I'm scared, Maur." Her voice, in all its huskiness, sounded terrified. Maura's heart broke a little for her friend.
"Jane…" She reached out with her other hand, beckoning the taller woman to come closer. When Jane turned her upper body toward Maura and scooted closer, Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's frame, holding her tightly, "I think seeing him would help," she murmured softly into a bed of unruly curls.
Jane simply shook her head and sighed tiredly, "I-I can't."
"I'll be there with you, if you'd like," Maura rubbed Jane's back softly, comfortingly.
Jane pulled back just enough to look at Maura's eyes, "Would you? God, I sound like such a child."
"No, you don't, Jane," Maura wiped tears from Jane's cheek with the pad of her thumb, a small smile on her face, "It's okay to be scared. When my mom… got hit by a car, I was terrified, remember?"
Jane nodded, recalling the fear in her friend's light hazel eyes as they stood in front of the elevators in this exact hospital, "I remember."
"Okay, so it's settled, I'll go see your father with you. You can hold my hand if you need to," she reached down and laced their fingers together, squeezing tightly, "It will be okay, Jane." Maura spoke the words that she was often hesitant to speak in situations such as this, but she truly believed that if Jane would let her in that they could get through this and be okay.
"Thanks, Maur," Jane smiled softly, though it didn't quite reach her eyes as she squeezed back. She could feel the soft press of the ring on her finger and tried to focus instead on the soft, yet sturdy grip of Maura's hand with her own, grounding her when she felt so far above the ground.