A/N: So I'm not as happy with this chapter but I've had more than one person tell me it's good. Tried to get into the softer side of Voight and how Jay deals with the news. Some language and gore warnings, just so you know. I hope you guys don't hate it, ahhhh. I do own everything zebra print, a hot tub, and a 2003 malibu. I do NOT own the characters or lyrics in this story. Follow/Favorite and review and let me know what you think!

Jay walks into the bar that Voight frequents. It's small, smells of stale beer and cigar smoke, but it's open late. They had met here once before. Voight had told Jay that he respects him, which meant a lot to Jay.

Jay walks up to the bar and sits down, letting out a deep breath.

"Rough night?" The older bartender asks him.

"Yeah, you could say that again. Two Manhattan's, please." He asks the bartender. He orders Manhattan's because it's Voight's favorite drink, and it's the least he could do after making him come out this late on a Friday night, especially after the long god awful week they've had.

The bartender slides the drinks in front of him and Jay pushes one in front of the seat next to him.

"Waiting on someone?" the bartender asks him.

"Yeah, my boss." Jay says with a small laugh, although nothing is really funny at all. The bartender looks at his watch and winces his face, "This late? Well good luck with that man." he says before he goes to the other end of the bar to pour a scraggly older looking man a drink. Jay nods and takes a long drink of his Manhattan.

Just then he feels a hand on his shoulder, and he looks over as Voight takes a seat next to him.

"How you doin' kid?" Voight asks him with concern. That was pretty uncharacteristic of Voight, but given the circumstances, Jay guessed that voight was going to be nice to him tonight.

"Like I said, I'm not alright," Jay says with a sigh. "So does that answer your question?" Jay asks curtly, taking another swig of his drink.

Voight says nothing; he just sits there starting on his drink. Jay lets out a hard breath, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, I just-," he closes his eyes. "I just don't want to go back. I'm still not over the images of my platoon mates getting blown to pieces; I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this again." Jay says as he runs his hands over his face.

His work phone buzzes; it's a text from Lindsay.

I still had your keys after you stormed off, so I drove your car back to your place, left your keys on the table inside your door and locked up, so use the key you keep on top of the light in the hallway. I hope you're okay, talk soon?

He drops his phone back in his pocket, he doesn't bother responding, he knows that he probably won't see her again before he leaves, and he doesn't want to think about that.

"I know kid, it's hard." Voight starts, "But I've worked with you for quite some time now, and if I've learned anything it's that you are tough, and courageous, and you have integrity. That's what's going to get you through. " He states as Jay finishes his drink.

"Another Manhattan," Voight demands.

As Jay works on his second drink, he listens as Voight tells him what will happen in terms of work and employment. He tells him his job will be waiting when he gets back, and that he will handle the paperwork with what Voight called his "leave of absence."

"Make sure that when you're settled, you get us the address that we can use to send you mail. " Voight finishes. "I'm sure that Ruzek would love a pen pal," he says making Jay laugh. "And I'm sure Erin wouldn't mind either. " he states, finishing his drink.

Jay looks at him surprised. At this point he's in the middle of his third drink, so everything's a bit fuzzy, but he's pretty sure Voight just gave him permission to talk to Erin while he's away.

"Come on," Voight says slapping Jay on the back, "You need a ride?"

Jay pulls out his wallet and lays a few bills on the bar, deciding to pay for both his and Voight's drinks.

"Yeah I do, Erin drove my car to my place. I left it over at Molly's." He says as he pulls on his leather jacket.

When they pull up to his apartment building voight says, "Halstead, good luck over there, and don't go doing anything stupid. The team is going to be here waiting for you, won't be the same without you kid."

"I'll do my best not to do anything stupid," Jay says as he's getting out of the car. "And Voight? Thanks." He says before he closes the door.

As he walks through the hallway to his apartment, Jay can feel the booze clouding his mind. As well as he can hold his liquor, after 2 drinks at molly's and 3 with Voight both on an empty stomach, he is definitely feeling it. He's thankful for that because it clouded the fears and anxiety that he is going to have to face head on in a little under 48 hours.

He takes the key from the light in the hallway, opens the door, and locks it behind him. He strips off his leather jacket and lets it fall to the floor, and he manages to get one of his boots off. His feet, with apparently a mind of their own, carry him to his bedroom. He falls, still fully clothed, face down on his bed and let's sleep take over.

When Jay opens his eyes, the sun greats him, and he squeezes them shut again. His brain is pounding against his skull. He lays there for another moment before he opens them again, slowly this time. He's still dressed and as he slowly sits up, he notices he only has one boot on. Not remembering why, he pulls it off and he runs his hands over his face, feeling his facial hair, a bit thicker than it should be. He strips off his shirt from yesterday and unbuttons his jeans.

His bladder is screaming at him, so he makes his way to the bathroom to relieve himself and when he's done he starts the shower and strips off his jeans. While the water is warming, he walks to the kitchen and grabs the coffee pot. He pours himself a stale cup of coffee 'from over 24 hours ago' he thinks and winces his face as he takes a sip. He verbally groans when his eyes land on the clock and 4:45pm blinks back at him. 'Fuck,' he thinks to himself. He sees his jacket lying on the floor and walks over to hang it on the hook by the door. As he hangs it up, his keys on the table by the door catch his eye; they're sitting on a piece of paper. It reads:

J-

Whatever it is, I hope you know you can talk to me. I've got your back, Always.

-E

He sighs and on his way back to the bathroom he drops it in the trash. He finishes stripping down and steps into the shower, the hot water letting him escape from his thoughts for a few moments.

After showering and shaving it's about 5:30, he pulls on a t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. Jay walks over to his laptop, pulling up an airline site, and finding a flight for tomorrow at noon into Dulles Airport, Washington D.C. He books it, and he is glad that the army is paying for it after seeing the price. After quickly glancing at his emails, he shuts down his laptop and lets out a sigh. He walks over to his closet, and reluctantly pulls his army issued duffel bag from the top shelf.

He starts stuffing essentials into it robotically before he sighs again and looks around his apartment. How is he supposed to pack his life into a duffel bag, again? How is he supposed to turn off his emotions, again? He has to go back to scraping his friend's body parts off the desert floor. The nightmare's still plague him, at least twice a week, and he just has to walk right back into another one?

"Fuck," he states aloud before repeating himself, louder this time. "FUCK!" he yells, chucking his deodorant at the wall.

Ignoring his duffle bag, he pulls on socks and his sneakers, and he pulls out his iPod and headphones.

He grabs his key's and walks out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him. He slips in his headphones, puts his ipod on shuffle and starts running.

He doesn't know where he's running to, or if rather he's trying to run from his responsibilities, or maybe from his feelings for Erin? He's not all too sure. Although it isn't his usual preference, as "Welcome to the black parade" by My Chemical Romance pours through his headphones, he runs faster, harder.

"On and on we carry through the fears,

Disappointed faces of your peers,

Take a look at me,

'Cause I could not care at all,

Do or die, you'll never make me,

Because the world will never take my heart,

Though you try, you'll never break me,"

Jay runs and runs, letting all his emotions run surge through him as his feet slam against the pavement. He runs until he reaches the Chicago River, pushing his weight against the railing he looks out over Chicago. The sun is setting and it's beautiful. He squats down and tries to catch his breath. His chest is on fire and he's not sure whether it's from the running or from his emotions, 'probably a little bit of both' he thinks to himself.

He can't run from it. He can only run toward it, toward his fears. Headfirst and with everything he's got.

But first, first he needs to have one more piece of Famous Nicks Chicago Deep dish pizza, and maybe a beer. He walks a few blocks towards Famous Nick's and remembers the times he and Erin have gone there after a hard case to grab a few slices and beers before heading back to one of their apartments to watch a game and decompress.

He sighs, as he finishes paying for his pizza and his pint. As he carries his food back to his apartment, he pulls out his phone, quickly dialing her number.

It rings twice, "Answer Erin, please answer." He pleads, listening to it continue to ring, not wanting to think about how she probably won't because she's with Kelly tonight.

"Hey it's Lindsay, leave a message and I'll call you back when I feel like it. " Her voice on her voicemail says to him. He snaps his phone closed and sits down on his couch taking a swig of his beer and finishes his semi-warm piece of pepperoni pizza as Sportscenter drones on in the background.

Knowing he has to pack up before the morning, he heads back to his bedroom and finishes packing his life into a duffle.

In the morning, he tries Erin's phone one more time. Once again, she doesn't answer. Sighing and running a hand over his clean shaven face, he thinks of how he's supposed to tell her. He can't leave it on voice mail and he can't text her, both of those would be rude. He knows Erin would be extremely pissed at him as well, and he does not want to come home to that in six months.

So he takes out an envelope and a piece of paper and sits down. He starts to write down his feelings and his thoughts and whatever he thinks Erin will want to read once she knows he's gone.

When he's finished, he goes around his apartment, unplugging all his electronics, turning off the water in the kitchen and the bathroom, and picks up his duffle from his bedroom and drops it by the front door. He grabs the envelope and some tape and places it in his coat pocket. Throwing his duffle over his shoulder, he takes one more look around the apartment before opening the door.

Jay takes a deep breath, "Here goes nothing," he says to himself.

He shuts the door, a little harder than he should, and double checks it to make sure it's locked.

Jay makes his way down the hallway with his duffle bag and his letter.

And just like that, he's gone.

A/N: I have chronic illnesses that cause severe pain. So I am not always able to write, or I may make mistakes that I just might miss. Updates should be every few days, but hopefully you all will forgive me if it's ever longer than that? Usually when I end on a cliffhanger I will try to update sooner. Tell me what you think? It was hard writing in Jay's head, if that makes sense. Next few chapters will be Erin's POV. It will switch back and forth throughout the story. All chapters will also have song lyrics, feel free to request songs, and I will try to put them in if they fit with the mood of the chapter. : )