Thank you guys so much for the encouraging reviews. I'm very sorry it's taken me a bit to upload this. Like I said I deal with severe pain everyday so I can't always write. Had some major writers block on this chapter. It's the hardest chapter I've had to write. It's a lot easier for me to get into Halstead's head, Erin was a bit different, but again, this is going to be the more emotional side of Erin anyways. This is also going without proofreading because my friend, who usually does read it, is having a hellish trip home right now. So hopefully you guys can overlook any mistakes. Also when I mention a song in the chapter I recommend either listening to it as you read it or listening to it before you continue reading. I listen to music while I write, it's kind of what get's my creativity going so hopefully you guys don't mind the incorporation. I own three laptops, only one of which works. I own enough hospital bootie socks to fill an entire drawer. And I own a very comfortable down comforter. I do not own the characters or lyrics in the story. ENJOYYYY! 3
It's Sunday evening when Erin finally gets home for the night from her busy weekend. She had stayed over at Kelly's last night after their date, which now that she thinks about it, was pretty average. This morning they fought over her phone ringing, which annoyed the hell out of her. Kelly was acting kind of controlling and she didn't like that very much. She hit the gym and got her groceries after stomping out of Kelly's this morning, she had stopped home to shower before she caught lunch with Antonio. She's worried about him, he seems so depressed since his wife left him, and from the looks of it, she isn't going to be coming back anytime soon. On her way back from seeing her friend Annie after lunch, she called Kim to talk about her fight with Kelly. She and Kim decided that maybe Erin should hit the brakes a bit. She has already been controlled enough in her lifetime; she didn't need to do that again. Eventually they switched topics and Erin gets to hear about Kim's date with Ruzek last night.
Erin's still on the phone with Kim when she walks into the lobby of her apartment building. She tucks her cell into her shoulder as she stops at the mailboxes to grab her mail that she forgot to pick up yesterday. Kim chatters on about how Adam cooked for her, and what an amazing cook he is, then she starts talking about what happened after, as Erin makes her way up her 4 flights of stairs to her apartment, she stops her.
"Whoa Kim," she interrupts, "Don't get me wrong I'm really glad you had a good time, but I don't want to hear about Ruzek's…business. " she says with a chuckle.
As Erin makes it up the final flight of stairs, she listens to the detailed plans Kim is making to surprise Adam next time they both have the day off.
Erin walks the short distance to her door. When she gets there she isn't expecting to see an envelope taped to her door. It simply reads 'Lindsay'.
Taking a beat, she tunes out Kim talking into her ear. It's from Jay. She'd know that handwriting anywhere. She takes it off the door, noticing there is more than just paper in the envelope. 'What the hell?' she thinks to herself.
"Hey Kim," She interrupts, not really caring. "I'm gonna have to call you back ok?"
Erin hangs up the phone without waiting for an answer and slips her phone into her jeans. She quickly unlocks her door, and sets her keys on the table beside her door. She drops her purse on the floor and strips off her leather jacket.
Erin sets the envelope on her kitchen counter and walks over to the fridge; she grabs Saranac summer ale and pops the top off on the counter.
Ignoring the envelope she pulls out her phone. Knowing that he was the one calling her phone this morning she dials Halstead's number, and it goes straight to voicemail. Then she remembers that he threw his phone against a brick wall Friday night. 'What the hell is going on with him?' Erin thinks to herself as she dials his work cell number. Once again, her call goes to voicemail. She feels her heart sink a bit, because not answering his personal cell phone was one thing, but Jay would never keep his work phone off. Hoping it's just dead; she decides to leave a message.
"Hey Jay," Erin starts. "What the hell is going on? Why is your phone off? And why is there an envelope taped to my door with your handwriting on it? Call me back please, you've got me really worried." she says before she hangs up.
She takes the beer and the envelope and walks into her living room. She switches on the lamp next to her couch. She opens the envelope and takes out the paper, and then reaches further into it and pulls out a very old brass locket.
'What in god's name' Erin thinks to herself. She quickly opens up the letter and starts reading.
E,
I know by now you're probably pretty worried, I'm anticipating that, I apologize in advance. I am sorry Erin, I'm so sorry. Now don't get mad, and I know you will, because I know you. The locket that you have in your hand was sent to me by one of my aunt's right before my first deployment. My grandmother gave that locket to my grandfather before his deployment, during World War II. It's a good luck charm.
Erin reads on as a warm feeling ignites her skin, not necessarily the good kind of warm feeling either, the 'something major is about to happen' warm feeling.
That locket has been in my possession since my deployment, or at least it was until I joined intelligence. I put it in my jacket every day, and the one day I forgot it do you want to know what happened? You covered me. You saved my fucking life. So I'm giving to you to hold on to for a while.
In case you're having a long day and you haven't caught on yet, I'm not going to be around for a while. That's what that phone call was about on Friday night, it was an important one, and I know you know that too. You saw it on my face. I'm really sorry that I couldn't do this in person, because I know that you are going to be really pissed about it, but I couldn't exactly announce it to everyone in the bar, and I had to process it myself. I'm being deployed, Erin. You know how I feel about it, and I am so sorry that you have vivid details from the stories I told you.
It feels like her lungs are on fire. Erin bends at the waste, trying to catch her breath. She does know, she knows about his platoon being blown up, and how it still haunts Jay to this day. Tears sting her eyes as she thinks about it. She takes a few deep breaths then she keeps reading.
I have to report for duty first thing Monday, so by the time you're reading this I'll probably already be in Virginia. Please don't be upset with me. I'd tell you not to worry, but we both know you will worry. Voight is handling everything with work, I will be gone at least 6 months working in special ops, mostly in Afghanistan. So make sure someone covers your back since I won't be sitting shotgun for a while, just don't be letting anyone else drive because that would just be unfair.
Erin gives a slight laugh, but the laugh doesn't last long as tears start rolling down her face. She chugs the rest of her beer, willing the lump of emotions in her throat to go away.
After that first day when I forgot that locket in my locker, I tried it again the next day, and the next day. What I figured out was that the locket wasn't my good luck charm anymore. It was you. We're partners and you've got my back, and I have yours. You steady me, you make me laugh, you relax me, you challenge me, sometimes you frustrate the hell out of me, but you're my rock and my best friend. I don't mean that in the stupid cheesy way. I mean it in the way that you are the only fucking person I want by my side.
Maybe the locket will be good luck for you, and if not it give you something to keep your hands busy fiddling around with.
Please tell the team not to be upset with me, but I didn't have time to write personal notes to all of them. Tell them to cover your ass, tell them (Ruzek mostly) to stay out of trouble, and tell them that I'll miss them.
But you? You I'm going to miss the most. I'm going to miss communicating with our eyes; I'm going to miss your voice, especially your voice making sassy remarks toward me. I'm going to fucking miss you.
I'll write if and when I can. Take care of yourself Erin.
Always,
J
The tears keep falling from Erin's eyes; she lets go of the letter and lets it fall to the floor. She robotically goes to the kitchen and drops her empty beer bottle into the recycle bin. She gets out a glass and throws a few ice cubes in and reaches on top of her cabinet. Erin pulls down her bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey and pours herself a glass. She takes her glass and walks back into her living room. She leans against the island that separates the two rooms and closes her eyes hoping it will stop the flow of tears. She takes a long drink of whiskey, reveling in the way it burns, hoping that it will burn away some of the emotions that are flowing through her body. Unfortunately that's not the case, her emotions win. Her hand shakes violently as she lifts her glass back to her mouth and before it makes it to her lips, it falls from her shaky hand. It smashes to pieces when it hits the wooden floor. Sobs rack Erin's body as she slowly crumples to the ground. She sits there and sobs until she feels numb.
Once she stops crying, Erin picks herself up off the floor. She is covered in the whiskey that was all over the floor so she grabs the locket off the table by the couch and heads toward the bathroom. She sets the locket in the jewelry dish that is on her sink and she starts to take off her clothes.
Erin's head is throbbing from crying but other than that she feels relatively numb. After she starts running the water in her claw foot bathtub she drops her phone onto the docking station on the cabinet and puts it on shuffle, and lets the music blast through the speakers.
She pours essential oils and a few foaming bath bombs, and watches the water get fuzzy and bubbly. She climbs and even though the water is extremely hot she ignores it and lets the heat prickle her skin. Erin lets her entire body sink into the water and a few times she even lets her head slide under, letting the silence in, maybe for a few seconds too long.
Erin isn't sure how long she sits there. The water is cooling when she finally starts thinking relatively clearly. Her partner; her best friend. He is going to war. No correction, he is going back to war. How is she supposed to deal with that? How is he supposed to deal with that? She knew the price of war. She knew there was a chance that she would never see Jay Halstead alive again.
'Fuck' she thinks to herself as she lifts herself from the now cool water.
She reaches over and grabs her phone, interrupting the music that was blasting from her speakers. She quickly dials Kim's number and with a not so steady voice says, "Hey I'm sorry for earlier." She takes a deep breath before she asks, "Do you think you could come over? I kind of need you. "After hearing Erin's shaking voice, Kim automatically agrees.
Erin drops her phone back on the dock and starts the music back up. She towels off her hair and throws it into a semi damp bun on top of her head. She towels off the rest of her body slowly and drops her towel in the hamper.
She puts her hands on the sink and looks down at the locket as she listens to the song "Amen Omen" by Ben Harper flowing out of her speakers.
"What started as a whisper
slowly turned into a scream
searching for an answer
where the question is unseen
I don't know where you came from
And I don't know where you've gone
Old friends become old strangers
between the darkness and the dawn"
Erin picks up the locket and unclips the clasp. She puts it around her neck and closes the clasp and looks down at the locket around her neck. She continues to listen to the song.
"Ilisten to a whisper
Slowly drift away
Silence is the loudest
Parting word you never say
I put, I put your world
Into my veins
And now a voiceless sympathy
Is all that remains
Amen, omen, will I see your face again?
Amen, omen, can I find the place within?
To live my life without you"
She looks in the mirror at herself with the locket around her neck. She puts her hand over it, and it incidentally falls very close to her heart. As she listens to the song die out tears prick her eyes, but she shakes her head and wills them away.
Erin walks into her bedroom and pulls on her panties and a loose comfy pair of lounge pants. She opens the drawer that holds most of her T-shirts. She goes to grab one of her usual night shirts a white paint splattered t-shirt catches her eye. It's Jay's. She offered to wash it. He had come over for pizza after the team had gone paintballing together, and ended up taking her up on her offer to wash it for him. After reminding him several times at work that she still had it, he told her to just keep it.
Erin automatically picks up the shirt and quickly puts it on as she hears knocking at the door. She walks into the living room as Kim is closing her door.
"I figured you might be getting changed or something so I just walked in" she says as she turns toward Erin. Her eye's goes wide as she sees the broken glass on the floor. "Oh my god, are you okay?!" Kim exclaims.
"Not really" Erin says flatly before gesturing for them to sit down on the couch. They sit there for a while Erin explains what's going on and what the letter said and how she feels about all of it.
"How do you feel about it? Kim interjects.
"I don't really even know. My emotions are overwhelming me, maybe part of it is because I know what he went through the first time, but it's more than that. He's my best friend, but I mean, I feel like I'm over reacting. " Erin says and lets out a breath.
"No you aren't, I promise. It's normal Erin." Kim assures her.
"I have a boyfriend, and I'm sobbing over Jay who is not my boyfriend." She says and lets out a huff. "I mean you'd react this way if this happened to say, Ruzek. But you guys have a thing." She finishes.
"You and Jay have a thing," Kim says softly placing her hand on Erin's arm and Erin gives her a look. "You do! You guys are too in sync, too good of friends to not have a 'thing'. Trust me, everyone can see it but you two. You just need to either ignore the thing or let it in and risk getting hurt because of it." Kim says delicately.
"When the fuck did you get all philosophical? " Erin asks with a small laugh that doesn't last very long before it falls and Kim pulls her into a hug.
"Hey I have an idea. " Kim jumps up and runs to the kitchen and comes back with ice cream and spoons. "Let's eat some ice cream with high fat content and watch America's Next Top Model" she says as she grabs the remote and makes her way to the DVR where Erin had pre-recorded a lot of the show. Since her and Kim had become better friends, Erin had let her in on her guilty pleasure.
As the show starts up Kim offers Erin a spoonful of chocolate chip cookie dough. Erin takes the spoon and puts it in her mouth before she leans her head on Kim's shoulder.
As drama erupts on the screen Erin interjects, "Yeah this is good. Thanks Kim. I needed this"
"That's what friends are for." She says as she smiles digs her spoon into the ice cream.
Erin smiles back and settles into the couch indulging in her guilty pleasure with her friend. She continues relaxing as they laugh and she absent mindedly fiddles with the locket hanging around her neck.
Hopefully you guys don't hate the kind of emotional Erin? I tried to make it as realistic as I could while still trying to follow what I had in my head as well. Hopefully the locket thing isn't weird? I needed to give her something meaningful of his to fiddle with. This was pretty long so I hope you guys forgive me for the break in the update. I hope there weren't too many grammatical errors either, it's almost 2am but I've read it over a few times and it doesn't seem too bad. I will update when I can and when the next chapter comes to me. Let me know of any lyrics or suggestions on storylines you guys have? Please favorite and review, I love your guy's reviews. : )