Hey Guys I am sorry for the lack in update. I have serious writers block not to mention my endometriosis is acting up and that is very severely painful for me. My mom is also getting married in a week as well and I am the maid of honor so it's been very busy and very hard with constant pain. Please don't kill me but this will be a short chapter. I just can't right now. I'm so so glad you guys love this; it's just hard with pain plus writers block. It'll probably be a once a week update at least for a few weeks until I get through this wedding stuff, so I'm sorry but if the feeling strikes me I will definitely update more often. I finally have some ideas for this chapter (technically this is only half of it, so I may even update it later today after I sleep for a while, if not it will definitely be up by Thursday morning.) Also forgive me if the military stuff is wrong or inaccurate, I don't know much about it. One last apology for any grammar mistakes, it's very late and I'm not having anyone proofread this one. I hope you enjoy, don't for get to review/favorite.

Sergeant First Class Grayson finished briefing Jay's small Special Forces group on their first major assignment; they will be catching a plane later this afternoon to Kunar province, Afghanistan. It's one of the most of dangerous places in Afghanistan and because Jay is special ops he will be going on even more dangerous missions. Missions that hold possible consequences that he has seen, heard and felt, first hand. Jay personally would be on sniper rifle, given his recent experience with the intelligence unit. Maybe that will help him disconnect with the feelings of having to pull the trigger to end someone else's life. There is always a possibility of having to watch the rest of his platoon get wounded in their assignments, but technically barring their convoy exploding in transit, there is less of a chance of Jay personally getting blown to pieces, at least in this first assignment.

On his way back to his temporary bunking unit, he passes a friend, Jason, he had made overseas during his first deployment. He was not in Jay's own platoon but occasionally their platoons had been at the same base for quite a while and they would all play soccer quite a bit to blow off some steam.

"Holy Fuck!" Jason exclaimed when he saw Jay walking toward him in his fatigues. "What are you doing back here Halstead?" he said as he embraced him in a man hug.

"Got called back like two days ago out of the blue. I've been working in Intelligence, it's been different. But I really love it; I think I want to be there for a while. Provided I survive this tour." Jay explained to Jason and he nodded his head sympathetically.

"How have you been man?" Jay asked his friend.

"Okay I guess," Jason explained. "Only had two months home, had to report today, ship out in a week."

"That's rough man, I'm sorry." Jay empathized. "Hey, how's Landon?" Jay asks about the other soldier they were close with.

"Oh shit, Jay. You didn't hear?" he asked surprised. "Landon was killed in Kandahar about 8 months ago."

"Oh God damn it" Jay mutters, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his fists in anger. "I…. damn it." He says again.

"I know, it took me a while to process it man." Jason says solemnly and sighs. "I'm heading back to the bunks though, I'm sorry. Good luck and stay safe dude. Maybe I'll see you around. " Jason says patting Jay on the back before walking in the opposite direction.

"Yeah," Jay says absent mindedly.

He walks to the gun range, needing to blow off some steam and get some shots in before they leave that afternoon. He shot through a few magazines of bullets, nailing his target every time. Because it's still early and he has hours before he needs to board his flight he decides to hit the gym as well. He hooks his iPod to his bicep, putting it on shuffle and puts his headphones in his ears. He tapes up his knuckles, preparing to hit the bag for a while.

He punches through a few songs and as his workout comes to an end, "Hotblack" by Oceanship bleeds through his headphones.

"Took a big trip

With your old band

To your homeland

For the wrong man

Making big plans

For your own sake

Hope they don't bend

Hope they don't break

Took a tip from a rodeo show

Get a grip or you're gonna get thrown

Take your aim when you take a shot

For the man under you will take everything you got

Take the pills that they give you mornings

Spit them out when they aren't looking

Fix a smile but you burn it hot

It's a mad, mad, world

Na Na Na Na Na…"

The song carries on as he gets lost in his head. He had to admit it, he was scared. He is scared of losing more people. He is scared of being hurt himself, and not just physically either. One tour had already taken a major toll on him and he already suffers from PTSD. Walking back into a nightmare is scary as hell.

He is scared for everyone back home because even being a cop has it's dangers, as they had seen first had when Antonio was shot a few months back. He is worried about Erin. He is angry about leaving. He isn't sure how to handle all of these conflicting emotions. Anger boils through him but at the same tears prick his eyes.

He walks outside into the morning sunlight. He slides his sunglasses on and is thankful that no one can see the glassiness of his eyes behind them.

Not being able to resist all the emotions inside his body, he pulls out the only working phone he has in his possession, knowing it will be rendered useless in just a few hours. He dials the only number he knows by heart, the only number he's called 3 times in the last 36 hours.

He is somewhat relieved when it keeps ringing with no answer. His heart skips a beat when he hears the voice fill his ear, "Hey this is Lindsay, leave a message and I'll call you back when I feel like it." He hears her raspy voice and chuckles a bit at her snarky attitude, but he also feels warmth and relief flood his body as well. That's the point where he has been snapping his phone shut. This time, he leaves a message.

Short, like I said. But I will update very shortly. Although after I upload chapter 5 it will be a week, if not longer before I update. So I hope these two chapters make up for it, this part I wanted to get in because there won't be much Jay while he is deployed because I don't know enough about this stuff to do super in depth chapters. Will mostly be Erin and the teams, and maybe some letters from Jay. Anyways, PLEASE leave me reviews. I love them and I love ideas/song suggestions/recommendations.