A/n: I'm very sorry I didn't upload this right away; I just couldn't finish it that night. It's a very important, very busy week for me. I'm hoping you guys don't hate me too much because of it. I'm also not having anyone proof this, so I am sorry for any mistakes. I hope you guys don't mind the music in the chapters, I get through emotional/rough times using music so I'm making Jay and Erin do the same thing. I own a 2003 Malibu, I own way too many sets of headphones, and I also own a Youtube channel where I make fan videos(INCLUDING CHICAGO PD :D ). Check it out if you're interested. channel/UCqg6RhkmzJ2JMBsKjD_OSPA/videos
What I don't own is any of the characters or lyrics in this story. Hope you enjoy!
"Fuck," Erin says aloud as she slaps her alarm clock off. She glances over at the clock, and it read 10:45, she groans. She doesn't have to be at work until twelve; but even still, she's in no mindset to be solving crimes today. Erin slowly sits up and rubs her hands over her face. She feels like she has a hangover, and not just from the alcohol and carb heavy foods either. She was emotionally hungover, and emotionally confused for that matter. What the hell is she supposes to do with all these feelings? Her boyfriend runs into burning buildings every single day. It upsets her but she's never felt anxiety, fear, and worry like she's feeling now that she knows Jay is leaving on another tour of duty. She didn't even feel like this when Kelly was nearly blown up along with the rest of 51. Sure she was relieved when she found out everyone was okay but she didn't feel a weight on her chest for Kelly, ever.
Erin picked up her phone, and opened her previous conversation with Kelly. She texted him, 'Hey, could we get together and talk tonight?' Hoping that by the time she sees him later today he will figure out what kind of talk they need to have.
She sighed when she thought of work, work without Jay. No. Not today. She opened up her favorites list seeing Jay's name there made her heart clench. She pressed on Voight's name, calling him.
"Hey kid, what's up?"
"Don't. Don't do that." She starts, "Why wouldn't you tell me? You knew!" Erin exclaims.
"He wanted to tell you himself."
"But I could have said goodbye!" she says and lets out a hard sigh, clearly frustrated.
"I know Erin, I'm sorry." Voight says before he clears his throat, "Is this why you called me?" he asks.
"No, well," she continues," I just… I don't know how I can work today. I don't have a clear head. Do you think I can take a day? Chalk it up to a mental health day?" she waits, and then pleads. "Please? I just can't do it today."
She fiddles with the locket hanging around her neck, and after Voight thinks about it for a second he agrees. "I'll let the team know. I'll see you tomorrow, but let me know if you need me to stop by with a few beers okay?"
"Thanks Hank," she says sweetly. "I'll text you later if I need to, I really appreciate this."
"No problem, kiddo. " He says before the line goes dead.
Relieved but still plagued with anxiety and worry for Jay, she gets up and pulls on a pair of yoga pants.
Her phone buzzes and she sees that Kelly agreed to go talk over beers later. Erin sighs and doesn't bother responding.
She pulls her hair up into a messy bun and pulls on a sports bra and the t shirt she wore to sleep last night, Jay's T-shirt.
Erin has a lot of pent up energy and emotions that she doesn't know how to process or deal with. There is only one of a few places that she can go to clear her head. She puts in her ear buds and straps her 22 berretta into her hip holster and clips it to her pants before she walks out the door, slamming it behind her.
Erin walks into the gun range, and is greeted by Tommy, who is the owner. She and Jay came here pretty regularly to blow of some steam, and if she was being truthful some of the sexual tension that seemed to always be there between them.
Erin leans over the log, and as she's signing in she hears Tommy speak.
"Hey where's your friend?" Tommy asks.
Taken aback, Erin takes a minute to take a deep breath before answering, "He's not going to be around for a while. Just me."
"Oh okay," he says surprised by her answer.
Trying to avoid any more questions Erin asks for a stall and a pack of .22 ammunition and a pair of protective ear guards.
"Thanks Tommy. " She says as she picks up her supplies off the counter.
Erin pulls her headphones over her ears and it blocks out the sound around her. She walks to her stall and hangs up her target before sending it back to the 20 foot mark.
She loads a clip and cocks her gun back. She takes a deep breath and takes her aim before putting her finger near the trigger.
Erin channels all her anxiety, nerves, anger, conflicting emotions and she pulls the trigger, thoroughly and repeatedly.
Meanwhile at the station Voight is hanging up the new leads they have on Dembrovski that had arisen over the weekend, granted it wasn't much. Voight had checked in on Dominic Holender in his cell before coming up to the unit. Dominic wasn't talking so they'd probably have to throw him in the cage at some point today. Voight sighs and turns around as he hears footsteps on the stairs leading up to the unit.
It's Alvin and he comes in and sets his bag on his desk before walking over to Voight.
"How do you think they'll take it?" he asks him, already knowing about Jay's deployment and the details of his dangerous location.
"I hope they take it better than Erin, she can't even come in today. " Voight says bluntly.
He hears Antonio and Atwater talking as they walk up the stairs and continue to casually chat as they move to their respective desks; Antonio taking out his shield and gun and Atwater booting up his computer. Voight makes his way to the break room to pour the second cup of coffee he's had in the last hour.
When he walks back out he takes a glance at the clock, and goes to stand by the board. Ruzek comes running up the stairs at the last minute, throwing out a "Sorry I'm late boss."
"Alright let's get down to business. Over the weekend Dembrovski…"
His words cut off as he's interrupted by Ruzek, "Wait Boss, where is everyone? Where's Halstead and Lindsay?"
"Lindsay is…taking a mental health day." He says reluctantly, knowing how stupid he sounds saying it, because once they know what's going on, they will understand why she isn't here. He continues, "Halstead," he takes a beat, "Halstead we need to talk about. "
"What, did he get his ass in trouble again?" Antonio says rolling his eyes.
"No, no Jay isn't going to be around for a while. He got a call from a commanding officer on Friday evening. He had to report this morning to Fort Belvoir and he boards a plane in about 2 hours to Kunar Provence, Afghanistan. "He pauses for a moment as the group collectively lets out a groan, knowing the seriousness of what is going on. "He will be working special ops and will be gone at least 6 months."
"Holy Shit" Ruzek says, letting out a breath.
"So with that being said, we are pulling Burgess up here in his absence and we will be rotating out partners to be fair and because I think it will help us all get through being down a man." He glares at Ruzek and points a finger at him before continuing, "If I see in the slightest that Burgess is affecting your work or your ability to back whatever partner you are working with, including her, she will be back to crossing guard duty in an instant."
"Yes sir. Understood sir. " Ruzek says seriously and waits for Voight to continue.
"Go grab her. " he says to Ruzek before continuing, "With all that being said, why don't we all take ten minutes and regroup and get our shit together. We are going to have to grill Holender and possibly throw him in the cage, and whoever is left back will be following leads and answering phones. Lets go."
Adam jogs down the stairs to grab Kim and Antonio leans back against his desk and lets out a long breath.
"You okay, Dawson?" Olinsky asks him.
"Yeah, no, I just know what Jay went through the first time so this fucking sucks. Like he barely made it through his first tour." he looked to Alvin and asked, "How did you do it?"
"You just power through. You have a mission to do and it involves more than just your own life and the lives of your friends, it's about the bigger picture, and you have to take that into consideration. Its hell, believe me, but thankfully with Jay switching to sniper he will be able to disconnect a bit better, at least on his first mission. " Alvin says simply. "It's all about having support and having people to talk to, or not talk to depending on how you process things. Having people is the biggest thing, which is why even though he's not here, we still have to have his back."
"Yeah definitely," Antonio says, shocked Alvin can be so calm about everying, even this.
Their ten minute regroup is almost up so Antonio sits at his desk and boots up his computer. Alvin sits in his corner sipping on his coffee, and Atwater is typing on his computer, more than likely finishing some paperwork form the week before.
Adam and Kim walk up the stairs, Kim already in plain clothes. They stand together, waiting for Voight's instructions.
"Alright guys, lets just get through this day. Let's grill the hell out of this Dominic kid and get some dirt to nail Dombrovski, like I said we'll take him to the cage if we need to. It'll be good to let some aggression out. Let's go. " he says and with that everyone pushes headstrong into the rest of their day.
Erin empties four clips into her target before she pulls it back to check out her handy work. She renders it useless as she has blown literal holes into it. Feeling not as tightly wound she decides to pack up her stuff. She returns the things to the counter that she rented and she drops her empty shells into a large bucket with other empty shells.
She pays for the rented equipment and stuffs her small wallet into the small bag that is attached to her holster at her hip.
She puts her headphone back on and decides to run the long way home, hoping to let off some more steam and to further clear her head. The sun assaults her eyes, and she squeezes them shut, soaking in the sun for a moment. It's actually a beautiful day, even if Erin isn't feeling it.
She takes off running and runs for a good 10 minutes before she gets to the spot that she wants to be. She's standing under a tall oak tree, thankful for the shade from the sun, which is now feeling more than just warm. She smiles as she remembers why this was one of her favorite spots in the city. It wasn't long after they started working together, but her and Jay had been totally shitfaced, and had decided to walk off their drunk. They had gotten some really greasy pizza from some hole in the wall, 24/7 pizza joint. They had walked down to the river and talked about the most random things that they could think of with their minds clouded with that much alcohol.
Erin ran her hand over the rough bark of the oak tree where they had drunkenly carved vulgar words into its wood. They had lain under this stupid tree until dawn talking.
Erin looks out over the water as "Dare you to move" by switchfoot pumps into her ears.
"I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be"
She's interrupted in the middle of her favorite part of the song, by a text message.
She removes her phone from the holster around her arm, and looks to find a message from Voight asking if she's doing okay.
She nearly drops her phone as she sees that she has a missed call that reads, "Halstead".
She feels her heart clench when she see's that she also has a voicemail.
She walks over to the bench on the sidewalk and sits down.
Erin takes a deep breath before pressing play and holding the phone to her ear.
"Hey Erin" She smiles when she hears his voice. Her hand travels to her neck and lands on her locket.
"I'm sorry I don't really know why I'm calling, I just felt the need to. I know you got my letter already, and like I said, I apologize and I hope I didn't cross any lines there, I just needed to get some of that stuff out there, just in case. I hope you like the locket, and I'm sure you're fiddling with it as you listen to this" She lets out a laugh and lets her hand drop to her lap. He takes a deep breath before the message continues. " I'm headed to the airport and I take off at about two. I will have some access to internet once I'm there so hopefully I will get to email you guys and maybe even video chat if I ever have some down time. Maybe you can leave me some emails if you're in the mood to have a pen pal." He gives a half hearted laugh before continuing. "Honestly I'm really glad you didn't answer. I'm not sure how I would have gotten on the plane had I heard your voice. Erin, It may sound stupid but I'm terrified. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to leave the team, you guys are my family. I don't want to leave you." As she listens, Erin can tell Jay is emotional and tears sting her eyes at the thought, "I need you to watch your back, because I need you there when I come home. I'm sorry, I got to go now, watch your six partner. "And the message ends.
Erin stares blankly at her phone for a moment as tears roll down her cheeks before she sets the phone on the bench next to her. She pulls her legs up to her chest, lets her head drop to her knees, and lets out the sobs she's been swallowing back.
When she can't cry anymore she lifts her head from her knees. Her head is finally clear, and so is her confused heart.
She picks up her phone and she selects Jay's name. Knowing that he may not get on the plane if she tries to call him back, she opts for a text message.
She looks at her watch, having over an hour before he would be boarding the plane, she takes about fifteen minutes deciding what to say before she hit's send. She smacks her hands on her thighs before she gets up and heads home. She thinks about taking a nap, she's physically and emotionally drained. She has to talk to Kelly later and she honestly wants to just get it over with already. It's not fair to him if she has these kinds of feelings for someone else. It's not fair to either of them.
Jay is sitting in the airport surrounded by most of his unit. They've all had a laugh about the fact that they have to fly southwest to go to war. It's a little ironic.
They will be boarding soon and Jay's nerves are fried at this point. He has his ipod in but he's not really listening to the music that is droning through his head.
He feels his phone buzz and his heart skips as he sees that he has a text from Erin.
'Even though the last thing I want you to do is leave, I figured a text message would be a safer bet for both of us. Yes I was fiddling with my locket, which is a complete honor to wear. And what can I say? You know me Jay. It's going to help me deal with the fact that I don't have my partner around. I know you are terrified, and it is 100% reasonable and 100% normal, and that's why you have back up. You know me Jay. We're all going to have your back during this; you can lean on any one of us, especially me. I can promise you I am going to be watching my ass more than ever, especially since you aren't going to be here watching it. I'm going to be here when you get home, trust me. I'm not going anywhere, Jay. Watch your ass out there. Please stay safe. And I hope to hear from you soon.
Xo,
E'
Jay smiles down at his phone. He reads through it again and lets his thoughts drift. They are interrupted by the intercom telling everyone in his section of the airport that Flight 256 to Kunar Provence. Jay closes his eyes and puts his head back as he takes a long deep breath.
He takes one more look at the text message and drops his phone into his black backpack. He stands up slowly and straps the backpack to his back. He grabs his duffle and grips it with more force necessary. He slowly walks to the gate and absent mindedly hands over his boarding pass.
He takes one more deep breath before he throws his shoulders back and puts one foot in front of the other until he reaches the plane. Using all his willpower he steps onto the plane. 'Here goes nothing' he thinks to himself as he throws his duffle in the overhead bin. He un-straps his backpack and as he sits down he drops in heavily in between his legs. He straps on his seatbelt and glances out the window before leaning his head back against his seat and closing his eyes. He wishes more than anything that he could blink and these six months could pass. Rather than open his eyes and face reality, he keeps them closed for a good portion of his 17 hour flight into Afghanistan.
A/n: Alright I hope you guys don't hate this and it wasn't too choppy. This week is crunch time, my mom gets married Friday so I have been working on this for 48 hours on and off and I finally just banged something out, not how I wanted it to go exactly but I just can't think anymore. Please let me know if you guys would want a time jump after the next chapter or if you guys want it to be a slower story. It's up to you so please leave me feedback! Again hope you enjoy, I will update probably by next Monday or Tuesday. : )