A/N: Yes I do know how long it's been and I apologize, like ive said before I've lost a little bit of steam when it comes to this story. I wasn't sure how to take it for a long time, so I had to do a lot of decision making. I've had school, being sick, and then catching a really nasty cold on top of being chronically ill. It's actually 1am right now and I'm coughing up a lung atm, but I found the tiniest bit of inspiration and I went with it. I don't have lyrics in this chapter just because it didn't fit, I'm sorry but the chapter is still named after a song, Whispering by Alex Clare felt it kind of fit with the frame of mind that Jay is in. Hope you all enjoy and don't hate me too much for taking so long. Enjoy. :3
Jay lays in bed with Erin curled into his side. He looks over to the clock and it reads 3:46, and he lets out a sigh. He is exhausted but doesn't want to fall asleep because he could tell that his last nightmare really scared Erin. So instead he lies there, watching the ceiling fan rotate rhythmically.
An hour and a half later Jay quietly rolls out of bed and walks to the bathroom. He turns on the light and the brightness triggers a panic attack, causing his heart rate to excel and his brain to flash fragments of memories in front of his eyes; trying to regain his composure, Jay backs up and bangs into the door. "Shit," he mutters under his breath and he looks over to see Erin waking up, which makes his anxiety climb even higher. He grips onto the counter, his knuckles white. It takes all of his will power to move his right hand to grasp the faucet and switch on the water. He takes a few deep breaths and lets his hands slide off the tiled bathroom counter. Jay cups his hands and pools the cold water in his hands and splashes it onto his face, trying to shock his body back into normalcy. He does the same thing two more times before lifting his head to look at himself in the mirror. He doesn't see himself, at least not the Jay he remembers. He see's dark circles under his eyes, he sees his cheek bones protruding, highlighting the weight he's lost since he was taken hostage and since he's returned home.
Jay jumps, startled by Erin's voice, still raspier than usual from sleep. "You okay?"
He looks at her wide eyed for a second before taking a deep breath and answering her, "Yeah, I just need to blow off some steam," He says, moving past her. "I'm going to go for a run."
Erin walks back over and sits on the bed, watching Jay as he pulls on a pair of gym shorts and reaches for his sneakers. She watches as he methodically ties his laces with sharp movements.
He walks over to her and uses his finger to lift her chin, "I'll see you at work." He says before giving her a strong kiss.
She watches him walk out of her apartment, knowing by the feeling in her gut, that something isn't right.
Erin is sitting at her desk when Jay walks into the unit dressed in his trademark tshirt and black hoodie combo. They lock eyes and Erin crooks her finger, wordlessly calling Jay over to her desk.
"Are you sure you're ok?" She asks, her tone hushed.
"Yeah, why?" He asks casually.
"Because," Erin says, reaching into her desk drawer, "You left these at my apartment." She hands him both is personal and his work cell phones.
"Oh damn, glad you caught that. Voight would have killed me if he called and I didn't answer."
Erin looks at him skeptically. "You never forget your phones Jay, ever."
"Babe, I'm fine." He reassures her, "I just didn't get much sleep." He leans over and drops a kiss onto her forehead and heads back over to his desk.
Voight saunters into the unit. Jay listens to every word he says, but to him none of its making sense in his head. He stares at the white board and the layout of the case they are in the middle of.
"Kid you okay?" Voight's voice asks Jay from behind him, making Jay physically jump. The rest of the unit is up and heading toward the stairs, Jay can see the worry in Erin's eyes.
"Uh yeah, "Jay says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah I'm fine."
Voight looks at his face, skeptical.
"Let's go." Voight says, motioning for him to follow the rest of his co-workers.
Jay is able to catch through conversation of Ruzek and Atwater as they leave the precinct, that they are checking out the Vasquez crew, looking for Markie Vasquez Jr. who is thought to have killed a rival crew's number 2 guys because he was sleeping with Markie's sister. Jay shakes his head, trying to clear it, and dives head first into the task at hand.
After the team hit's dead ends for most of the morning, a stroke of luck hits them when Ruzek gets a ping on the GPS tracker in Markie's phone. He appears squatting in some under construction rent-to-own apartments in Pilson. When the team arrives at the GPS location, Voight, Jay, Ruzek and Olinsky storm the front, and Lindsay and Atwater take the back. Once inside they split up, guns drawn, moving slowly as not to miss anything. Jay moves slowly down the stairs to the lower level of the apartments
"Don't move," Jay hears from behind him. He quickly swings around to see Markie Jr. standing there with a 9mm pistol, cocked and ready to fire.
This is usually the part where Jay would say, 'Drop the gun', but instead he freezes. The last time there was a gun pointed at him, two of his platoon mates had been shot execution stile right in front of him because Jay had pushed for information about their missing partner.
Instead of following protocol, Jay's brain fires off flashes of those executions so rapidly that Jay isn't sure which situation he is in anymore.
He moves forward, gun still in his hand, "STOP, DON'T" he yells at the Iraqi executioners his brain is making him visualize.
But instead, Markie Jr. fire's his gun and the piercing white hot pain that hit's his right collarbone drags Jay back to reality. He looks down to see blood flowing from his chest and he stumbles backward against the wall. His knees feel weak so he slides down the wall and crumples to the floor. There is commotion as members of his unit, of his family, rush down the stairs to his defense. Olinsky and Ruzek apprehend Markie and Voight is the first one to Jay. Voight presses his hands onto his wound, applying as much pressure as he can. The last thing Jay see's before he passes out is Erin, who is cradling his face with one hand as she franticly shouts into her cell phone, but he can't hear her because his world tunnels and then turns to black.
"Jay!" Erin's voice sounds miles away, though she's shouting. Jay tries to open his eyes but they feel so heavy; He is so tired, he just wants to sleep.
"Tired." He mumbles.
"Jay, open your eyes, look at me." Erin says, lightly hitting his face.
With a groan Jay opens his eyes. His mouth feels too dry and his vision is wavering. He see's Erin's face hovering over him. It takes him moment to orient himself before he realizes he's in the back of an ambulance. He tries to lift himself up, but a wave of pain washes over him making him want to scream. . He slams his head back into the stretcher. The machines start beeping and Erin looks helplessly to the paramedic, Leslie Shay, who is shoving an oxygen mask over Jay's face.
"You need to try and calm him down, his blood pressure is through the roof. The more it goes up, the more blood is pumped out of his body. Calm him down."
He is trying to get the oxygen mask off and find a place that doesn't hurt. "Jay look at me," Erin says, putting both hands on the side of his face. "I need you to calm down. "
Jay holds her gaze for a moment. "It hurts," he manages to whisper.
Erin can see the pain in his eyes and tears pool in her own. "I know baby," she whispers as she strokes his face, "But I need you to relax, it will help you stay alive. And I need you alive." Erin takes a deep breath and tries to swallow the lump in her throat. "I love you, so I need you alive." She manages to choke out just before Jay's eyes roll back in his head.
It all happens fast. Jay is whisked back into a trauma room. Suddenly there is a mess of people doing a thousand different things at once. Jay is quickly hooked up to all sorts of machines which beep erratically. People are shouting commands and the clinking of medical instruments is heard. All Erin is focused on is Jay.
"What's going on," Erin demands with tears running down her cheeks. When no one answers her she repeats herself, "WHAT IS GOING ON?" She demands.
A nurse rushes over to Erin, "We need to get him into surgery to stop the bullet, there isn't an exit wound and being that it's a chest wound, he needs to get into surgery as soon as possible. Someone will come update you on his condition." The nurse says, leading Erin out of the room and into the hallway.
She watches as the mass of people rush past her with Jay on a stretcher. Her chest feels heavy, as if she was the one that had been shot. She leans back against the wall, holding on to the railing as sobs rack her body.
Erin isn't sure how long she stands there sobbing. But eventually she hears a voice calling out to her, repeatedly.
"Erin," Erin whips her head around to see Voight as the owner of the low voice whose calling her.
"It's my fault," She says, voice cracking. Voight shakes his head no and gathers her into a hug. "I knew something was wrong and I let him go out there anyways." She says into Voight's chest.
"Kid, it is not your fault. Look at me," He says, the power in his voice enough for Erin to lift her head and look at him. "It's not your fault. "
Erin angrily wipes her tears away. "Why him? He's already been through so much…"
"I know. Come on, lets get you cleaned up."
"What?" Erin asks, confused.
Voight gestures to the wall and then to her. Erin turns and her mouth drops open and her eyes widen looking at the wall. She looks down and her gasps.
Her hands are covered in blood. Jay's blood. Her hands start to shake and she looks back at Voight. Voight thinks looking at her that the only other time she had been this scared and frightened and innocent was when she showed up at his door at fifteen with the shit beat out of her. He swore he would never be that scared again.
"It's not your fault." Voight says his voice firm as he grabs Erin's hands to stop them from shaking. He pulls her into his side and walks her down the hallway. "It's not your fault," he repeats, almost a whisper this time. "It's mine."
A/N: Yes I know, cliffhanger. Idk why i went here but i did, i felt like there are consequences to ignoring something your body is trying to tell you. This is the only way i could write it to be honest. I hope you guys don't hate me. I'm so sorry, I won't take like a month to update this time I swear I just need a few more days to kick this cold, and to update my other story, Anchor down. Sorry for any mistakes I'm too sick to read through this two more times, hope you forgive me. I know this is short but give me a little credit, most of the other uploads for this story were 5,000-10,000 words. If you haven't checked out my YouTube it's Hiatus Hangover and I just posted a new Erin and Jay video that will get you smiling again after this. I promise I will update soon. Check out my other stories too? Love you guys, PLEASE COMMENT, let me know how horrible it is or how much you love it, it gives me more inspiration for this story.