Cpov
"Do you have any questions?" Before we get into your story.
"Just one," She says after thinking about it. "What is a submissive?"
Fuck! How am I going to explain this to her?
"Well, the women I've been with in the past were my sexual submissives. Meaning I was their dominant." I give her a half-ass explanation, but she is still looking at me, questioning the meaning.
"What does that mean?" As suspected, she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'm going to be forced into explaining this kinky shit in detail. Just not too much detail.
"Do you know anything about- um," I swallow hard because if she thinks she knows BDSM but doesn't understand it, this could be bad. "BDSM?"
"I heard a song once, about chains and whips." She replies casually. "S and M. Is that what you're talking about?"
"Yes," I grin, thankful for that stupid fucking song. I cringed when I first heard it, Mia was obsessed with Rihanna and would play it over and over while I was freaking out if she really knew the truth behind those lyrics. "A sexual submissive wants the kink, like chains and whips. They want to be restrained, blindfolded, spanked, flogged, whatever their fetish is. They want it."
There. That wasn't so bad. And she seems to be very accepting of this. Until her next question...
"You said you were a dominant? What is that?"
Explaining that I was a dominant and felt like a sadist isn't going to be as easy to explain. I'm now regretting bringing that up, but I have to tell her everything if I want the same in return. Well, she took discovering what a submissive was easy enough, maybe it wont be so bad when she learns what a dominant is.
"I used to-" I'm just going to throw it out there, I'm going to rip it off like a band-aid. "I used to beat and fuck woman for my pleasure."
"Shit!" I shout when she turns pale fucking white, eyes wide.
YOU DUMBASS, GREY!
"Ana!"
I quickly approach her on her side of the couch, but before I can reach her she falls off and crawls backwards to get away from me.
"Stay away from me." She warns me, now on the floor, keeping her eyes on me as she moves further and further away.
I slowly stand up, keeping my hands up in surrender.
"Ana," I cautiously approach her. "I'm not going to hurt you."
She looks around for something, I'm not sure what. Something to use as a weapon to protect herself, a way out, I don't know.
"Ana, please, listen to me." I keep my voice calm. "Let me explain."
"You beat woman! And then you had sex with them! For your pleasure!" She repeats my words. "That's what you said!"
The voice inside my head is screaming, you idiot! That was not the way to tell her! Everything was going fine until you blurted out that you beat woman, you fucking idiot!
"It's not like that, you have nothing to be afraid of. I'm not going to hurt you, I would never hurt you."
"I have to go."
"No!" I panic. "Please, no. I don't want you to leave, Teddy would be devastated. And I..." Not able to get the words I want to say out, I swallow hard and change direction. "Do you want me to call Kate or my mother over while I explain it to you?"
"They know?!" She asks unbelieving. "Your mother knows?"
"They do. I can have one of them come over, Kate if you're more comfortable with her, I just don't want you to go. BDSM is not what you think it is, I want to explain. I probably shouldn't have said it like that, Kate warned me to be gentle with this subject, but I just wanted to get it out and over with, just like when I told my parents over 4 years ago." Fuck, and now I'm rambling when I don't know if she wants someone here for her or if she'll stay to hear me out. "Do you want me to call Kate?"
"No," She shakes her head.
"Are you going to stay?" Please don't leave. Please.
She stays quiet, thinking and considering her options. I'm sure if I let her leave my house now, she'd leave town a second later. I can't let that happen, she has to hear me out.
"Will you listen to what I have to say?" I ask when she stays quiet for too long. "I wont touch you, I just want to talk."
She nods.
"Do you want to sit on the couch with me?" I offer.
She shakes her head and stays near the wall that she backed into.
I slowly sit on the sofa and watch her. She seems to be on high alert, hopefully I can talk my way out of this.
"BDSM is consensual." I begin. "Everything I did to those women was consensual, they wanted it." Fuck, that doesn't sound any better! I can't explain this shit to her!
Taking a deep breath, I try again.
"I got into the lifestyle because I was seduced by an older woman, the woman I told you about, she was into the BDSM lifestyle. I was her submissive from 15-19, after I turned 20 she trained me to be a dominant until I was 21 and then I found other willing partners." Well, she found them for me but that's getting too much into it when I have to talk my way out of this mess. "I was abused when Elena thought me, but I adhered to the BDSM motto; Safe, Sane, Consensual, I promise you. There is nothing wrong with BDSM when it's practiced the way it is intended. All the women I've been with wanted me to do everything I did to them and more. They would even do things just so they would be punished, and they could stop me at anytime with the use of a safe-word. It's nothing like you're thinking. I never hit them outside of a scene or against their will."
The last thing I want is for her to think I'm going around beating women because I want to.
"To prove my point," I continue, "I could call any of my past submissives and offer them a contract again, and they would accept in a heartbeat." Fuck, I'm not explaining this very well. "But I'm done with that lifestyle, not because it was bad or wrong, I found pleasure in it immensely, but because I didn't want Teddy around that lifestyle. Again, not because it's wrong but because I wanted him to have what I didn't; a normal start to life. Just like any parent wouldn't want their child to walk in on them having sex, I didn't want Teddy to question that room even if it was locked. That's why I've started remodeling it. God, am I explaining this right? Do you still want to leave? Fuck, I hope not. Teddy would never forgive me if I was the reason you left."
I can't believe how much I fucked this up all because of my fucked up past. My first date, not date, and I already fucked it up. This has got to be a record of some kind. She's going to leave for sure now, even after my explanation, because I used to beat the shit out of women, albeit they were willing to let me and got off on it. That's it, I've lost her before I even had her.
She's quiet, but I'm not longer looking at her. I can't bare to see that terrified look aimed at me. I have my elbows leaning on my thighs, hands clasped together. All my focus is on my hands.
"Do you want me to take you home?" I mumble in defeat.
Since I'm not looking at her, she's forced to speak.
"No." She whispers from across the room. But of course she doesn't want me to, she probably doesn't want anything to do with me.
"I can have Kate pick you up." I tell her.
"Christian, I- I didn't, I just- I thought..." She tries to apologize.
"I know what you thought, Ana, it's the reason I didn't tell my parents or anyone else in my life until after Teddy changed my way of thinking."
"So they wouldn't look at you the way I just did." She guesses. "Christian, I'm so sorry for reacting that way, it's just- I can't-"
"It's okay, Ana. I'm not asking you to."
We sit in silence, and surprisingly it's not uncomfortable with what just happened. I can tell she's overthinking but not about what. It makes me wonder if she's thinking about leaving, if she wants me to take her home, or Kate, so she can leave town and get far away from a man who she thinks wants to beat her. I've explained BDSM and my involvement as best as I could. Of course I left out all the details, but I'm sure she's over there making up her own mind of what I did. And she's probably right.
After we've been sitting like this for awhile, I break the silence.
"So have you figured it out yet?" I ask her.
"Figured what out?"
"Whatever has your mind racing over there. Are you going to leave, take off to parts unknown as soon as you can, or are you going to stay?"
"I haven't figured anything out yet, but I'm happy here. I want to stay."
Stay? Stay with me, or here in town, I want to ask but I don't.
"Do you want to join me on the couch?" I ask instead.
"Yeah," She giggles. "I guess I should get off the floor now, huh."
I'm pleased when she seems back to herself again, no longer terrified of me.
I stay put as she sits next to me. I don't want to frighten her if she's still scared of the whole BDSM thing and is just acting like she's okay.
As we sit in silence again, I start to think back to how things ended with Elena and I.
~FLASHBACK~
I don't know where the fuck I am, I don't remember what I was doing. The last thing I remember, I was at my parents' house, leaving. I know I said, "Fuck this shit," and left, but I don't remember why or how I got to wherever I am. I don't know if I walked, drove myself or if Taylor drove me to wherever I am.
As I look around, I see that I'm in Seattle, as I should be. But, I'm standing in front of a bar. I don't go to the fucking bar, if I want to drink I'll do it alone at Escala.
A woman pushing her baby in a stroller captures my attention and I remember why I'm here. I need to talk and I need a drink. Perhaps a double.
I can't be a father. I just can't.
Entering the bar, I look around for Elena.
I called Flynn but he was busy at his son's school and couldn't meet me for an emergency session, so instead of seeing my shrink tomorrow, I called Elena. I need to talk and I need to talk now. Elena has always given me good advice, I can always talk to her. She knows me better than anyone. She'll know what I should do.
Walking up to the bar, I order a bourbon, telling the bartender to keep them coming, then sit next to Elena.
"You look like shit." She compliments me.
"Thanks," I gripe as I swallow more than necessary of my drink. The glass is now half empty before I pull it way from my mouth.
The bartender has already lined up my next glass so I down the rest of my first drink and pick up the second.
"Well..." She starts after awhile of us just sitting here. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"My parents called me." I begin, making sure we wont be overheard. We're alone in the bar, the bartender not in earshot so I continue, "Apparently, a submissive went to see them."
"Who?!" She's immediately shocked then pissed that any one in the lifestyle, especially one of her girls, would talk.
"She didn't say anything about anything." I calm her. "However, she did drop something off to them because she couldn't get ahold of me."
"What was it?" She leans forward, like I'm going to tell her Hannah delivered a line of sex toys.
"A baby," I tell her. "My baby, to be exact. I'm a father."
"Bullshit!" She cackles.
"It's true. My mother was feeding the baby when I left. I'll be getting DNA testing done, obviously, but he looks exactly like me. I know he's mine."
"Well, this serves you right. I've told you time and time again to get a vasectomy, but no, you chose to 'control' our submissive's birth control. Who's to say she's even taking the damn thing or going to her appointments? I warned you something like this would happen eventually and they would use it against you for fame and fortune. I tried to tell you to take care of it yourself, but you wouldn't hear of it."
Her scolding me is only adding to my anger. It feels as if I'm her submissive again and she's on the verge of punishing me.
I clench my jaw and grind my teeth, holding my glass firmly in my hand.
"The only problem there, Elena, is I couldn't find a qualified doctor who would preform the surgery on me. Apparently I'm 'too young and may change my mind', regardless of how much money I have to bribe them with." I did find one doctor who would preform the operation when I turn 30. "Besides, I have my subs give me their health records to prove they are safe before we begin, not to mention I do my own search of their records to ensure they are legit. I know when they are due for another round and I'm given the records every time, both by them and by Welch. I guess she was given a bad batch and her shot just ran out early."
"My guy could've done it when you were 15," She counters, "he doesn't care how old you are."
"And have my nuts turn out like your breasts?" I nod towards her lopsided tits as I take another drink. "No, thank you."
She scoffs at me, offended, then fixes the padding in her one side so her breasts look even.
"He's going to fix it for me next week." She insists. "And they don't chop your nuts off, you're not a dog. Well..." She smirks at memories.
"What the fuck am I going to do, Elena?" I ask the only person who's ever been there for me about my predicament.
Without waiting for her answer, I sigh and down the last bit of bourbon before I move onto the glass the bartender just placed in front of me.
"Did the sub say she wanted anything?"
"No, nothing. She just dropped him off and left."
"So she doesn't want money or fame?" She asks like it's ridiculous that Hannah would give up the chance to blackmail me.
"It would appear so, " As unbelieving as it is. "But now I'm stuck with this kid. My kid."
"You could give the baby up." She suggests. "In fact you should, obviously."
I nod in agreement. What kind of father would I be? There's no way I would be able to care and love him like a father should.
"Maybe, but my parents wouldn't be very happy if I did," They wouldn't be very happy if they knew the lifestyle I lived either. I prefer them in the dark about my desires, as anyone would, but they don't need to know the fucked up shit I do or how I like to fuck. It's better that they don't know, but there's no hiding this baby from them, they are the ones that called to inform me about him. He shouldn't be with someone like me, he should be with loving parents, like the Greys. And then an idea pops into my head.
"It doesn't matter what they think, darling, if you are not wanting to be a father, that's your choice. You're a grown man who can make his own decisions and I say you give him up."
"Perhaps they will adopt him."
"HA!" She fake laughs. "Now that's a joke! Your parents couldn't handle the three they took in."
"I know I didn't turn out well, but Mia and Elliot did."
"Yeah," She sarcastically disagrees, "Elliot is an immature whore who sleeps around with all of Seattle, someone your parents should be real proud of. He's never going to settle down or get married like they dream of. And if he gives them grandchildren, it will be from multiple women. I'm sure he has a few illegitimate children running around now that he doesn't know about."
"I am as well," I've fucked so many women, I've lost count. If my family only knew how gay I am not. I guess they do now. "I'm just better at hiding it. I was better at hiding it."
"Exactly, darling, you don't flaunt your promiscuous ways." She rubs my arm to soothe me. "And little Mia. Why she's just one spoiled brat who will never learn to survive on her own. She's never going to get a job or accomplish anything in life. Why should she? She has your parents coddling her, and her older brothers baby her. Tell me, is she still shopping in Paris?"
"She just got home from culinary school." I defend my sister. "She went to Paris for school, not to shop."
"Darling, we both know she only went to that school so she could get out of going to college. She's not into cooking, baking, or anything restaurant related. She's more into fashion. Trust me, that's the real reason she went to Paris."
"Mia and Elliot turned out fine." I growl. "At least they didn't end up like me."
"You turned out wonderfully," She counters, grinning proudly.
"Yeah, thanks to you." I scowl as I drink more. I'm not sure what number glass this is, but I'm starting to feel the alcohol's affect.
"You are just proving my point as to why your parents should not adopt this child. Not to mention the fact that you don't need to be involved with a baby. If they take this child in, you are going to be forced to be involved with his upbringing whether you like it or not. Do you really want to be tied down? As I've told you about love, children are worse. They're like little, loud, messy leeches and will suck the life right out of you. You wont be able to do anything with a brat hanging off of you. Trust me, baby, you're better off alone."
Flashes of my life hit me hard. Alone. I've been alone nearly all my life and I've been miserable. While I do enjoy my adult life, if I continue to live my life alone, I'll stay miserable.
Elena starts to go on and on about how she was able to fool my parents, priding on the fact that they still do not know of our envolvment. They don't know anything about what she did when I was younger and they know nothing now. She's saying how they would let it happen again to this baby, to my son.
Now that I'm a father, albeit I've only known for a couple hours, all I can think about is how I would kill anyone who laid a finger on my son. One hair out of place on his innocent little head and whoever was responsible would be on their ass. No pimp would use him as a punching bag or an ashtray, he would never know the feeling of what it's like to go hungry, the taste of moldy cheese or frozen peas, no Domme would train him to be her pet while she beat him with a cane for getting hard at looking at tits for the first time at the age of 15, he wouldn't be a lonely, miserable, coldhearted bastard stuck in a tedious routine of running a company that thrives on selling off other companies piece by piece, and he wouldn't beat the shit out of girls that look like his birthmother. He would love and be loved.
I want better for my son.
"Darling, the muscles in your arms are phenomenal." Elena's purring and touching of my forearm pulls me from my thoughts and stops me from breaking the glass in my hand. "You are obviously so stressed out about this. What do you say, let's go back to your place for a little stress relief."
Is she coming on to me? Or am I just drunk?
"It'll be like old times," She practically purrs in my ear, her hand now on my thigh slowly creeping up. But her touch does the opposite of what she planned. It's revolting and I feel as if I'm going to be sick.
I grab her hand, stopping her from reaching for her destination; my limp dick.
She made a pass at me? I've been drinking, why would she come onto me when I'm vulnerable? Fuck. I was vulnerable when she came onto me when I was 15, how did I not see this before?!
"There will be no reminesing tonight." I growl at her with my teeth clenched tight, I'm surprised they haven't turned to dust by now. "Or any other night."
She brushes it off as a joke but I'm seeing red, nothing but red as I think about someone taking advantage of my son like she has to me so many times before.
After all these years, I finally see it. Elena never wanted to help me, was never my friend, she only taught me the lifestyle for her own sick, selfish reasons. She is nothing but a predator. She manipulated me. She played me. After all these years, she's still doing it. We may not have a sexual relationship anymore, but I'm still her submissive, doing everything she wants and she rewards me with a submissive of my own.
Fucking bitch!
~END OF FLASHBACK~
I launched myself at her that night, trying to get revenge. Not only for me, but for anyone else she may have done this to, and for those she had yet to come across. Like my son.
That night was one big mess. The bartender jumped over the bar and tried to pry me off of her. Elena looked a mixture of turned on and confused as I wrapped my hands around her throat, probably wondering why I was making a scene like this in public instead of going back to Escala. Taylor was there, I later learned he was watching the whole time from a corner booth. He convinced the bartender not to call the police. Since Taylor was able to get me off of Elena, she told the bartender not to as well.
She was in for a real treat when I snapped the fuck out on her while Taylor held me back and ended our so-called friendship right then and there. She thought I was overreacting because I was drunk, which I did have well over my limit that night, but the next day she realized how serious I was when Linc now had controlling shares of Esclava.
I wanted to go back to my patents' house that night, but Taylor convinced my drunk self it wasn't a great idea. So I slept it off and went back the next morning. My parents were pissed when I showed up, devastated when I told them everything about Elena and I, and overjoyed that I finally found the so-called light.
I took Teddy in without knowing anything about babies. Luckily I was able to stay with my parents for a few months so they could help me while I got my shit sorted out. I ended up selling most of GEH to Ros, as much as she could afford, because she deserved it. I wanted to get away, away from the past, away from the memories, so I moved. I thought about going to my place in Aspen, but I do still attend business meetings and I do love living on the west coast. Washington is my home.
"So, that's why I left Seattle and moved here." I get us back on track. I told Ana my story and now I want to know hers. "I could've moved anywhere but I wanted something quiet and down-to-earth for Teddy, and not something too far away since I still have business in Seattle on rare occasions, as you saw awhile back."
"You left everything behind. Your job, your life, everything. You didn't have to do that, you could've been selfish and put Teddy up for adoption and carried on with your life exactly the way it was."
"Teddy was more important than GEH or living a bachelor lifestyle. I did it for him, for me too but mostly for him. I have a past, yes, we all do, and it's made me the man I am today, but it's not who I am. I'm just Christian. My life was made up of a series of happenstances; My birthmother just so happened to be a neglectful crack-whore, which is how Grace and Carrick were able to adopt me. A manipulative older woman happened to seduce an underage 15 year old boy, which is how I met Teddy's mother; through the lifestyle taught to me. I felt my son deserved a better start at life than I did so I moved us here, which is where I met you. I left my old life because my new life needed it."
"You make it sound so easy."
"It wasn't at first but it can be."
"But, what if the past isn't in the past? What if it follows you no matter where you go or how often you move. What if the past just wont leave you alone?"
My suspicions of her past are being confirmed left and right tonight. The way she reacted to me being a dominant and the way she's talking about the past like it's a person. This is the perfect opportunity to start her story.
"You mean, what if he finds you?"
"What did you say?"
"You heard me." Okay, here goes nothing. Or everything. "I'm guessing you're running away from someone. And maybe, judging by your reaction to me being an ex-dominant, it's your husband and he was abusive?"
"How do you- Who told you?" She confirms my thoughts with that. "It was Kate, wasn't it."
"No one told me anything," I assure her. As much as I tried getting it out of Kate, she wouldn't budge. "But your reaction tells me that I'm right. Is he trying to find you? Is that why you move around a lot?"
"I should go." She stands but so do I.
"I told you my past, Ana, it's only fair."
"But- But, what if-"
"What if what? I'm not going to rat you out or tell anyone anything, Ana, you have my word." I continue when she looks nervous, "Baby, I just told you I was a fucking BDSM dominant with his own personal Playroom inside his apartment, complete with his own set of implements to use on his willing submissives. Do you have any idea how terrified I was that you would run from me once you learned my past?" For fuck's sake, she was horrified when she learned what a dominant was. Her past can't be worse than that, can it?
"Okay. Okay." She takes a deep breath and slowly blows it out before she continues. "And just so you know, I like when you call me baby. That's the second time you've done it and it gives me crazy butterflies."
"I'll make it a point to call you baby more often." I can't help but smirk at the thought. I've never really used pet names like that before, but I'm finding that I like it too.
She gives me a small smile that I'm sure would be much bigger if she wasn't about to tell me about her past.
"So, you're right, I am running. I didn't think it was obvious, which is why I keep to myself, but you figured it out. Um. I guess I should start at the beginning."
"Let's sit." I offer since we're both still standing.
Once we're both sitting back on the couch, she begins.
"When I was 18 my parents died in a car accident and I was alone. I was too old to go into the foster care system and too young to afford a place of my own. My parents didn't have life insurance, they couldn't afford it I guess, so a few months later the bank took our house. I had no where to go and no college education."
"I'm sorry about your parents," I give her my condolences. "Did you have any family or friends to help you?"
"They were only children so I had no aunts or uncles, and my grandparents were no longer alive either so I had nobody. I literally had no one. Thankfully I was able to find a room for rent, it was cheap and the lady was older..." She pauses and I suspect this is where she's going to get into the heavy shit, as if that wasn't heartbreaking enough.
Here I was, avoiding my family like the plague... But at least I had a family, she doesn't have anyone. I wouldn't have anyone if it weren't for the Greys. I owe them so much.
"I met this guy when I was working at this coffee shop." She starts again. "I was 19, he was older. The coffee shop was attached to this book store, so he was a regular throughout the day. I love books so when he told me he was a writer that broke the ice, so to speak, and we hit it off fast after that. We went out a few times, but I only ever saw him as a friend.
"After awhile he asked me to marry him. I couldn't believe it, I mean, we hadn't even had sex yet. Not that I wanted to have sex with him, I thought we were just friends. Anyway... I didn't want marry him, I wasn't ready, but what other choice did I have? I told him I needed to think about it, he didn't look very happy with my answer but gave me time. I went home and started thinking about my life. How was I going to survive life without help, and he was willing to help. Long story short, we got married and shortly after he started hitting me."
"So you are running from your husband." Bastard.
"Yup," She agrees like we're talking about the weather. "I'm running from my abusive husband."
Wanting to hold her, I pull her toward me. I'm pleased when she willingly lets me wrap my arms around her.
I continue to hold her on the couch while she tells me her story.
"He would hit me all the time, and at first I thought it was my fault." A tear rolls down her cheek so I wipe it away with my thumb. "But then when I would do everything exactly the way he liked it, and I would still get hit, I knew it wasn't me. ... I tried so many times to get away from him, more times than I can count, but I never had enough money to run far enough. I no longer worked, it was all his money, so I would steal a few dollars from him here and there, just small amounts so he wouldn't notice. I got away twice. But he found me and brought me back both times. He said, the last time he brought me back, that if I ran away again he would kill me. But I knew if I stayed, he would eventually kill me. It didn't matter if I stayed or if I left because I would die either way, so I might as well fight for my life, right?
"That night it was either fight or flight, and I did both. I stabbed him and ran. I had no place to go so I ran to my neighbor's house. I had been working for them to earn money, enough to get me as far away as possible because the few dollars I would take from him wasn't enough. They helped me get away that night."
She stabbed him? I know she didn't kill him because she's still afraid he's going to find her.
"I did a background check on you." I admit. "Well, Anastasia Steele."
"Kate suggested you might've."
"What's your real name?"
"Dakota. It's funny that I'm starting my life over as Ana because my father always liked the name Ana, but my mother thought it was too plain so she named me Dakota."
"You look like an Ana. Dakota doesn't suit you, Anastasia suits you. To me, you will forever be Ana."
"I like being Ana." She snuggles against me. "I'm glad I came here, Christian."
"I am too." I kiss her head as I continue to hold her. "I'm just glad you escaped that hellhole."
"I almost didn't." She shivers remembering that night.
"What do you mean?"
Hope to see you in the Facebook group: FSoG Fanfic Obsessed. Shout out to the lovely ladies who gave me the idea to use Dakota as the "fake" Anastasia.