Chapter III. Dumbledore

It was a restless night, thoughts of his Godfather floating and tossing in his head. This place, of all places! He had to wonder why Dumbledore was doing this to him. It was torture, and he'd assumed the Headmaster would understand that. First the Dursleys, and now this. He doesn't want me to be happy, Harry fumed.

He was still half asleep as he strolled into the lengthy kitchen the next morning, jolted by the sight of Remus's paler than usual face. At least he still had a friend here. He wasn't completely alone. "How are you feeling?" he asked timidly, taking a chair and soon feeling the weight of Lupin's arm around him. "Fine, Harry. Better now, thanks to the potion." But he still had the countenance of one recovering from being terribly sick, and nothing could stop Harry from worrying. They sat in stark contemplation then, everything quickly turning bitter and hard and immoveable, insurmountable.

It ached.

"It just feels so empty here without him," Harry observed, feeling immediate relief. Remus squeezed his shoulders. "That's okay. It's okay because he was a light for this dismal excuse for an abode and he filled it up." He took a swig of his coffee, as if flooding the sorrow. But however he felt, he sounded strong- a stark contrast to the tears poking through Harry's voice. "It's all my fault," he said slowly, as if testing out the words on his tongue. They felt good, felt… right, somehow. He sighted. "Harry, look at me." The seriousness of it made it sound as if he had been pulled by a tight cord, like a marionette on a string. "He was willing to die for you, willing to give everything for you because he loved you." How could Remus talk about him without it ripping through his very soul, without a tidal wave of illness smacking into him with all its might? Harry had to wonder.

"I know he did," he replied softly. Lupin smiled, reassured, and squeezed his hand. Harry had never been comforted before, and instantly felt undeserving, unsure. Then a coldness spread over the room, and an unwelcomed low voice caused both to jump.

"No use blaming yourself, Potter. Won't do any good." "Severus-" Remus stood forcefully, like he was warning Snape to be careful about something. Tread lightly. "No," Harry put in, unwilling to let anyone else have that guilt on their shoulders. It had to be him, him that buried it, nursed it. He was the reason Sirius was dead. He knew that now. If he hadn't been so foolish, been so quick to trust the vision…

"If I had only learned Occlumency," he said aloud without meaning to. "You couldn't very well learn it without a teacher, could you?" Snape spat harshly. Harry's jaw almost dropped, he was uncertain of what to do; his eyes went wide, but it didn't seem to startle Remus at all- if anything, it only made his cheeks flush violently. "Do not DARE," he yelled, taking both aback, and Harry resisted the urge to scoot away. "You did everything you could. Lots happened that night, and-"

He went on, clearly not letting Snape, who looked battered now, retort. "And you will not let him go to the grave blaming him for what happened. That rests with me. " His eyes closed in terrible pain; he hung his head down, as if defeated.

"I am the one who almost killed you then." "Not of your own free volition, Lupin," Snape shot back, giving him a glare Harry recognized from third year- one of boiling malice. He knew it then too. "Don't defend him." "He's gone now-" Lupin was trembling, as though he had already accepted it. "We must move on."

Snape appeared frighteningly close to an explosion of his own. Harry looked from one sheet-white, pallid face to the other, concerned. The confrontation had been coming. "I never apologized, never, for just standing by while it happened. Never. But I am sorry, Severus. Every day. He was too, even if he would never admit it." He chuckled softly in remembrance, not noticing that Snape's fists were clenched. "Right," he growled. Remus shot him daggers with his eyes. "Don't do that. Not now, please. We-" he paused, as if trying to figure out what to say. "We need you. We never said thank you, for giving us Harry's message that night. Putting everything on the line every day. Without you Harry would have died, that cannot be disputed. We wouldn't have been able to rescue him in time-"

"You know why I did it, Remus." Harry raised an eyebrow, knowing Lupin was on very thin ice now. He hardly wanted to confront any of the emotions this conversation was bringing. "Stop it!" Remus shouted, banging his fist on the table, which made Harry jump. "It is in the past, Severus. Long gone now, and it cannot be changed. You know that. But torturing yourself like this, doing this to yourself-" He gestured to the cloaked, dark figure. "Accomplishes nothing. For your own sanity. Please. Stop. It." Harry, in all his days, never thought he would see calm Remus Lupin lose control like he did just then. There was venom in the reply, hanging in the air.

"Don't talk of things you know nothing about! Just don't! And stop, for just once, sticking your nose up my business! You are impossible!" "For your own sanity," Remus repeated, as if to himself. "I'm sorry. All you've done for us, and you deserve an apology from him, both of them, that you never got. Forgive us."

Harry was stunned. Something passed over Snape's face, something unreadable. "It is too late now," he hissed maliciously, and it seemed this made Remus impatient. Their gazes were fixed on each other, as if one were going to whip out his wand any minute. But Lupin simply shook his head sadly. "It is not, Severus. I am right here. And I need it more than they. You have no idea what it did to me." "Is that so?"

Harry could not have imagined, not for a second, that Lupin would have felt like Sirius and James would have used him, would have felt… guilty. He shuddered. Had he really considered at all how Remus felt about the situation? But suddenly he knew. Like something eating at you, gnawing at you, from the inside out. He knew what it had done to him, knew what it was like to be the death of someone… now… to cause destruction to all who love you. To end a life. Even if Severus Snape was still standing right there. It sent a chill down his spine.

"Snape, please," he pleaded. The dark eyes bore into him sharply, and Remus looked… stricken. As if they had forgotten he was there, lost in time. But all he knew what that Remus needed it. He shivered, lowering his head, not realizing that he needed the forgiveness too, on his behalf. His father's behalf… and Sirius's.

"How would it change ANYTHING?" Snape bellowed out of the blue, and Harry felt as if he had just fallen from a great height. "Don't deny it to yourself," said Remus softly, and Harry looked at him to make sure he understood, that he wanted to relieve him of the burden he carried. "Because it might be your only chance. We are not promised tomorrow; you're familiar with that. Because maybe it will help you come to terms with things, and maybe it will help you forgive a very important person: yourself."

Snape was floored. No one had ever told him he was an important person before. No one. Visibly shaking, Remus replaced himself in his seat next to Harry. "Glorious- never thought I'd see the day. What is this, Remus?" But Lupin could not look him in the eye. Harry thought he looked ashamed, as if he knew exactly what the other was going through. "I hate to see you suffer, Severus."

He squeezed Harry's hand rather tightly.

"Oh, wonderful. Look what we have here, the two of you! Look at yourselves! Coming to me for- for forgiveness when you just can't see it, can you? It has all been too much, I have seen too much, I have done too much, and it will not come off no matter what you try. You ask for something I cannot give. If James Potter could see you now-" "He'd agree with Lupin," said Harry darkly, daring retaliation. A part of him, deep down, knew he was right, and he was not going to hear Severus Snape say otherwise. Lupin could not bring himself to comment, apparently. He seemed lost.

"You bloody Gryffindors are INSUFFERABLE and you have gone too far this time!"

His cloak billowed behind him as he left, and Remus sighed harshly. But neither could do anything before they heard the back door close, and Dumbledore nearly made them jump out of their skin. "It does no good, Remus," he said smally, quite obviously abashed as he entered, "To have him blow up like that. We need him to stay here, for his own safety." He turned to Harry then, looking him in the eyes. "My boy, it wouldn't be too much to ask for a bit of privacy?"

How could he deny Dumbledore? Shaking his head, he back out into the parlor, the same way Snape had gone. And he found he just couldn't help himself- he pressed his ear to the door.

"I am sorry to intrude like this…" "Yes, well, that's alright. I'm sure it would not be for anything less than important." He sounded violated, as if the Headmaster had seen him with his clothes off. It had been rather private… "I do have something very important to discuss with you, Remus." Lupin was silent, obviously waiting for him to go on. "You trust Severus, don't you?" he asked seriously. "With my life, Dumbledore, you know that. Even though I could not be trusted with his." That would probably please Dumbledore, thought Harry snidely.

He's always been defensive about it. "Let us not dwell on past grievances child," the wizened wizard urged. "And you trust, I am sure, that he will take care of Harry?" Remus huffed, as if he had been ruffled the wrong way. Harry stiffened at the sound of his name. "He's proven himself, obviously." Through a crack in the door Harry could see him frown. "I'm afraid I have a favor to ask of you. You see I think I've figured out a way for him to continue… his work," Dumbledore finished knowingly. Lupin snorted incredulously.

"How? How is he going to convince the Dark Lord that taking Harry out from under his nose and saving him multiple times means he's on his side? He is no fool, Dumbledore." Remus actually laughed, a hint of nervousness behind it Harry knew all too well. Yes, how was he going to pull this off? This should be good… "Quite to the contrary; if Tom were not a fool he would never have acted in ignorance when he only knew half of the prophecy, which lead to his downfall."

At the mention of the prophecy Harry grew dizzy again. "He would not have placed Quirrell quite so close, costing him the stone. Or left his diary in the possession of one Lucius Malfoy. Only fools do not know love, Remus."

Sirius again. Dumbledore's voice grew ominously lower. "Tom Riddle has never known love. Severus Snape is not a fool." Harry snapped to attention at the mention of Snape's name. "But Voldemort is. If he were not, Harry would be dead now. I don't mean the graveyard. I mean that very first night in Godric's Hollow. He was saved by love- his mother's love. Tom was fool enough not to foresee that. And he will be fool enough to let our spy back under his wing. A little theatrics, explanations about how it was all for my benefit, of course. Severus can do it better than anyone. Play it like he saved Riddle from making another huge mistake."

Harry shifted softly, watching Remus take another swig of his coffee. Could he be right? But what mistake? Judging by the look Remus shot Dumbledore he was immensely skeptical but shrugged it off. "Let's say you're right. Say Severus comes crawling back begging for mercy, which he will enjoy too much. What do you want me to do?" "Leave," said Dumbledore, and Remus flinched, nearly spewing his drink everywhere. "I know it is a lot to ask. But if it works, and I'm almost sure it will, then he will once again be the most important person in this war besides stated, continue on in mutual animosity. That would be disastrous and I cannot have it. They need to be alone, be alone so Harry can learn Occlumency and they can forge a trust." "Why wouldn't Harry trust him after what happened?"

Dumbledore's back was to the door, so that all Harry could see was that long silver hair, but he knew that mysterious smile was in play. "I am not so sure that he does not. But don't forget what Harry saw in my Pensieve two entirely long years ago. He's always been unsure, and Karkaroff declaring Severus a Death Eater helps nothing, especially since I was the one who defended him." Harry's stomach wrenched, and he went cold, remembering the desperation of a caged Karkaroff… and how eager he had been to tell Snape about his mark fourth year. "I do not think it of great importance," the reply rang in his ears. And how quickly had Dumbledore told him he was a braver man by far? Snape must have a lot of gall…

"You mean to tell me that last year wasn't the first time he went uninvited into a Pensieve?" Why was Lupin always so perceptive? "It matters not now. The point is, they have never been on good terms. You remember that Harry suspected Severus of taking the stone all along?" That had been a real shock, Harry thought, a smile on the edge of his mouth, though he did feel guilty. They had been so sure… They. How he'd love to see Ron and Hermione again! But he couldn't let it distract him. They had been so sure… "Did he?" asked Remus, obviously disappointed, and Dumbledore sighed.

"So you see why we must do this. I may even get Severus to confess…" "Confess? To what?" At least he was in the dark too. "Maybe one day you too shall know… though it is not for your ears. Strictly between them," he admonished. "Right," shrugged Lupin, as if he felt the whole thing unsettling yet slightly ridiculous. Harry twitched as Dumbledore moved closer to the door, and had to strain to hear what came next. "Yes. I hope you understand, Remus." "Of course, Dumbledore," came the measured reply, and he could just make out Remus running his hands through his messy blonde hair before a calculating voice drew him away.

"And what exactly are you doing?" He turned to find a very agitated Snape, staring at him through that curtain of hair with his hands crossed over that black fabric. Damn…

But he couldn't answer before the door swung open behind him and that disappointed look no the Headmaster's face was more than he could take. He wasn't a little kid stealing from a candy store. Still, why did it make him feel so… ashamed? "Harry…" Lupin looked personally affronted. "No need to explain anything, then," he said bitterly, walking over to Harry and placing his hands on his shoulders. "You promise me you will make an effort?" Damn. What could he say to that? Of course he nodded, and suddenly he was being pulled into a hug. He didn't deserve to feel this good. Then he had to face Dumbledore.

"I'm sure there's no need to explain the word privacy to you, Harry." That did it. He was a no good, good-for-nothing- The worst. Nothing else could make him so red, and- "Would anyone care to tell me what's going on?" Harry's heart pounded as he looked at Snape. "Lupin will be going for a while, Severus."

Confess.

Confess what? He was brought out of his musings as Remus tucked a runaway lock of hair behind his ears… just like Sirius used to do, and then he realized Lupin was just as raw, just as hurt and vulnerable. They hugged again. "Listen to everything he says." "I will." He didn't even think about what he was saying. Like he had any choice. And he had barely realized how parental Remus had become to him; their bond had definitely strengthened. "Are you to have any visions, they are to be reported to Professor Snape immediately, no exceptions." "I don't think I'll be having many, sir," he faced Dumbledore again. Voldemort would certainly be more cautious about the whole thing after the failed plan. Breathe, he told himself.

Breathe.

"Perhaps you're right." Oh, he had not seen the Headmaster smile in over a year! He knew it was childish but he let it warm him. And it all seemed to slip away finally, the anger and betrayal- yes, that was what it had been- towards this old man, something he had been holding onto since the end of last year. Of course he should have warned him that he would probably be lured to the Hall of Prophecy, and explained things better, told him about the prophecy to begin with… He should have. But it all melted away then because he was sure, had always been, that Dumbledore had his best interests at heart.

Even if it meant making sacrifices like living with the Dursleys or staying… here. And then the last thing he expected to happen happened. Dumbledore pulled a thirteen inch holly wand from his cloudy robes and presented it to Harry. "Arabella Figg was kind enough to retrieve this for you." Oh, the Squib… She had been the last person on his mind, admittedly, and he still recalled how surprised he had been to discover she had a magical background. But he was even more shocked to realize that the wand, its loss as he was disarmed, its vital importance to him, especially considering the twin cores, had yet to occur to him. Still, he was of course grateful to have it back.

"Of course, there is still no magic outside of school, which you have no doubt not forgotten. But you will be needing it when term begins." Behind them, Snape snorted. Why did he have to bring up his trial with the Ministry? And the incident with Dobby had not been his fault. In front of the greasy git! The slender feel of the wood, so familiar, made his skin prickle, and it was instantly calming.

"Severus," Dumbledore said seriously then, looking past Harry to the fierce black eyes that still resembled long tunnels at times. "Should you be summoned…" And Snape went pale. "There is no other option for you but to go."

"Don't be insane, Dumbledore," came the retort. "I assure you, can you convince him to listen, you will have a very interesting story to tell. I am correct in assuming that the potion, if consumed, would have cast Harry into a state of delirium, rendering him incapable of giving Voldemort the information he desired?" It was the first time Harry didn't hear a snide remark at the name. Though it was Dumbledore, after all, the only one Voldemort ever feared. Suddenly the hot words of the deformed monster Riddle strung though his head, burning him: Not before giving you a little dose of what you deserve.

What would it have done to him?

"Not exactly. It would never really have done anything for him- you see, he asked the impossible. No one knows why, and even if Potter did, only Veritaserum would have drug it out of him. All that would have happened was an agonizing seizure, and the endurance of horrific nightmares, visions, rather…" He met Harry's gaze now. "And considering that Potter has seen some rather, shall I say, harrowing things," Harry shuddered, wondering if he detested the usual sarcasm. "It would have been far worse than if it would have been ingested by another. Naturally I tweaked it all I could, but…"

Like Dementors, Harry thought, suddenly feeling as though he'd been wrapped in their usual coldness, like they were here. Silly. They affected him worse than others because there were true horrors in his past, horrors his classmates could scarcely imagine, Lupin had explained. The potion would have done the same thing… he understood then.

"I would've passed out, then." "Since you put it so gracefully, Potter." But Snape hadn't disagreed. Dumbledore looked like he had heard everything just as he'd suspected it, and Harry had to admit he'd had no idea just how well the Headmaster knew the Slytherin. "In such a state, he could surely not have told Voldemort what he wanted," Dumbledore pressed, as if a calmness had settled over him, like he had taken a deep breath. His eyes even fluttered shut for a moment. "No, obviously. If you are serious about this, Headmaster, if you truly believe…"

"I do." The sky-blue eyes flickered open again. "I do, Severus, and I know it is a lot. If you have the strength and will…" "There is no need to concern yourself with that," Snape said harshly, as if they had had this conversation before. And suddenly Harry remembered it exactly, even if it had been over two years ago now.

You know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready- if you are prepared…

And he didn't think he could ever forget what Snape said then. He would never forget anything about that night.

I am.

With that he had gone. "I did not doubt, my boy," said Dumbledore quietly, and Harry reddened- the same thing he called him he had called Snape. No, I am not jealous of Snape, he shook himself mentally. At least he knew now, what Dumbledore had been asking then. So long ago, so far away now. "If it had not been for Potter's arrogance and pig-headed carelessness it would not have happened in the first place. Only a Potter would have been so daft as to wander away from the blood wards…" "I am positive Harry realizes the graveness of what he has done." Dumbledore looked disapprovingly at him, and he noticed a sharp constriction in his chest, tightness. He had just been so lost that day.

The Headmaster seemed to be reading him scanning him, and Harry was glad when he turned his attention to Snape again. "I am sure he will not wander away whilst he is protected here." Then Lupin was leaning down beside him to whisper in his ear. "Don't prove him right." And give him the pleasure? he thought with a snicker. Snape would be only to delighted to report to Dumbledore that he'd been pig-headed and careless, and he would not give him the satisfaction. He already knew Snape thought him an ignoramus and was not going to give him a reason to.