Standing outside the hospital gates, Lou had never felt so cold before. Pulling her coat in tighter as if giving herself a well needed hug, she looked around in anticipation. With every passing stranger she attempted to look away from their gaze, to avoid them seeing the tears that she just could not stop from falling. Some faces she saw met her with sympathy, probably assuming she'd been to visit a poorly old relative. The truth was far more frightening and would bring another wave of despair as she thought about her children being the ones to visit her here in the future, with their own tear stained faces. Soon she couldn't see the passers-by anymore for the steady stream of her crying, everything was now just a blur.
As she wiped her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time, she noticed the truck pulling up in front of her rather abruptly and not in a stopping zone, made obvious by the disgruntled drivers behind. Lou felt a surge of relief as though she had just been rescued from her nightmare – if only temporarily.
"Caleb…" She managed to utter before her grief took over.
Caleb instantly took her into his arms as he reached Lou. Knowing there was nothing he could say but just offer her some comfort, some shelter from the questioning stares. He began to slowly guide Lou into the truck as if she were so fragile she might fall to pieces right there and then. He quickly climbed back into the driver's side, so as not to leave her on her own for more than a second. Once inside he waited for a moment, unsure what to do next. This was not a subject that he knew how to deal with but he needed to step up to the plate and he was going to do just that.
"Lou…?" He tested, to see if she was ready, or even able to talk.
"How am I supposed to tell the girls?" She said amongst sobs, continuing before Caleb could respond. "The nurse, my nurse – I've been assigned a nurse – what does that tell you? They know don't they? She told me when it's confirmed she has a book she can give me, one for children, to read with Katie so that she understands… but still… I just… I mean, how do I…"
"Would you like me to take you home to see Georgie and Katie?" Caleb asked gently.
"I don't think I'm ready yet" Lou replied honestly and somewhat defeated.
Caleb simply nodded and started the engine. He could sense she needed time to think, to absorb what she had just been told. After all he was having a hard time accepting it himself. It's something that happens to other people, someone's cousin's neighbour's grandma – not someone you care about - not Lou. It was a serious wake-up call and he was at a complete loss as what to do about it. He had known this was a possibility when Lou had opened up to him about discovering the lump months ago. He had never let himself believe that this would be the outcome, he had stayed his usual positive self through-out, just what Lou had been needing from him. How was he going to be that way now? How do you stay positive and optimistic when suddenly nothing is certain anymore? Caleb's mind was reeling and he couldn't even begin to imagine how Lou must be feeling about the news.
He pulled up outside the hotel that they had dropped their things at earlier. Caleb thought perhaps Lou would like to be out of the view of strangers while she came to terms with the hand she'd just been dealt, he knew he would if it were him. Without saying anything to Lou he opened the door and accompanied her all the way up to her room door, stopping in the hallway.
"I want to be on my own" Lou said almost apologetically.
"I'll be next door in my room, if you need me for anything." Caleb offered as he tipped his hat, concern etched on his face.
As the door closed behind Caleb, she instantly regretted her decision. The room felt unfamiliar and as though the walls were closing in on her. The silence was deafening. She climbed onto the bed, curling herself up into a protective ball and just sobbed into a pillow, hoping it would mask the sound. Being alone with her thoughts wasn't such a good idea. It was all too easy to take her thoughts down the worst case scenario route. Sure she knew there could be a million different outcomes and lots of people survived with treatment but Lou couldn't help but consider she might not be that lucky. Not that she didn't plan to fight this with every ounce of her being but she wanted to be prepared. Being ready for every possibility gave Lou a strange sense of control.
She wanted to be ready to face her children and her whole family, with a brave face. She didn't want them to see the broken woman she felt like right now. She wanted to be strong for them, so that they wouldn't feel the burden of what lay ahead. She felt overwhelmingly guilty that she was about to turn everyone's lives upside down with her news. On some level she was aware how crazy that was but she couldn't help it. She felt like she was doing this to them, rather than it being done to her. Not done blaming herself for things out of her control, berated herself for grieving for what she felt she could no longer have. She may not have any more children, she may never fall in love again – or be loved. She really wished she had found someone after Peter, she didn't want to go through this alone. Sure she knew her family would be there but it wasn't the same. Her heart ached as she felt a new surge of tears falling.
She was startled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. Lou dried her tears as best she could, as she opened the door. She peered from behind it to try hide her red and blotchy face, an obvious sign that she had been crying, from whoever it may be. She wasn't sure why she was so surprised it would be Caleb. She opened the door and waved him in, relieved that he had come back without her asking him to. He knew, she thought to herself with a small smile. He just knew.