The Diplomatic spaceship the Lingering was now in hyperspace, set towards the planet of Alderande, where its people were slowly burning away in a civil war both brutal and insidious. The pilot could handled half of the problem. Lieutenant Rejardani had seen the fires of battle time and time again during her service to the Republic. A soldier through and through, she and her team had thrown themselves against the Empire in terrible battles.
Not all of them had returned.
Some nights, she wasn't sure she had herself.
But the Zabrak had little time for introspection. She hated it, better to have the hands doing something useful than the head wearing itself down doing nothing. She engaged the autopilot and warned Butler, the mechanised intendant of this flying castle, that it should watch the controls while she was going to report to it's mistress.
By mistress, Rejardani was referring to the actual owner of the ship, although she would debate it endlessly: master Karzak, special ambassador from the republican senate, seasoned traveller, talented member of the Jedi Order and a dear friend since they first met on Hoth about four years ago. She had been mandated by a senator to help appease the situation by uncovering a possible corruption circle within House Bedell. As always, she would need an escort. Rej was that escort.
Her boots made no sound while walking on the soft carpet that was covering nearly all the ship. It was made to make self important people comfortable. It only made her miss the sound of her feet on metallic floor. Despite all the bad memories, the rigorous life of a warrior had its benefits. Of course, the life of an ambassadors had others too, like a luxurious meditation chamber where the Jedi master could sleep and ponders about the mysteries of the Force. But mostly sleep.
The door, always open, led to the magnificent room, of gold and deep red. Paintings were imprinted on the walls, depicting faraway landscapes, peaceful forests, oceans of sands. On any other, Rejardani would have suspected a hint of vanity in the one living in that room. But Karzak was a miraluka, a blind seer able only to perceive the world through the Force itself.
She tried explaining it to her once, unsuccessfully. The results were always the same though, no one could take by surprise.
Sitting on her bed, she was smiling before the Zabrak even entered.
"Coordinates set, we'll be there in five Cs.
-Any emergency?
-The fleet issued a warning, there are signs of pirates in the region. I'd bet some Empire backed ruffians, so it may be an issue if we drop out too soon.
-I'm sure we'll get there unharmed.
-Yeah... Well, don't mind if I take some precautions anyway.
-I'll miss your dedication."
The words sapped her strength like cloud eclipse the sun, but she showed nothing. She had known for weeks now that it was to be her last assignment with a Jedi before returning to active duty. Her commanding officer had been clear, there wasn't enough officers on the field for one to play around.
Had she been playing around?
"I'll be at my post."
She turned her back. And she knew.
She wanted to be ordered to stop. To not being let go. She wanted Karzak to say... something. But she wouldn't.
She never did.
Not in years, not in these past weeks when they both knew it would... end.
Once again, she had to take charge.
"Now hold up a minute.
-Something's wrong?"
The Jedi master wasn't smiling any more.
"You're damn right something's wrong. Why don't you say anything?
-There is nothing to say.
-Nothing to say? She replied in disbelief. There's plenty to say! It's the last time. It's... shit, it's the last chance we have to/
-To what? Interrupted Karzak. To say something we already both know? To live with the question asked, and the answer known? To spend the rest of the time we have with the burden of that one, last moment?"
The soldier felt like she had been hit in the face. She wished she knew what she was feeling, but the storm was so violent her she couldn't say if it was rage, sadness, joy, hatred or all of it. She went up to the Jedi like a Rancor and very nearly grabbed her garb like one handle a punk in the street.
"You don't get to decide that alone. We... It's... It's we ok? We've been through a lot in four years. You don't get to play solo now. You have no right."
Words were bumbling through her mouth. She had been taught from birth never to do something unless she knew how to do it right. And lyricism wasn't one of her most shining talent, she never could find the words like Kar could. She never could just pronounce the sounds that somehow explained the feelings inside, that freed them. She could bottle them up and break a jaw with it. But speaking... not so good. She hated the Jedi for forcing her to do it. It should have been her.
"Alright. Rej, I'll say it. I'll say it for both of us. The Jedi replied, seemingly reading her mind. We are both... afraid."
The declaration took Rejardani by surprise.
"That's... that's not... what I...
-Yes it is, it's the true problem here. Rej. I'll say it. I love you, and I know you love me. And it's the most terrifying thought."
Karzak slowly got up from the bed to face the soldier, her simple cloth in front of her eyes directly in front of the stunned gaze of the Zabrak.
"You are scared because you are torn apart. Because you fled the battlefields, the memories, the death and sadness and horrors of the war. Because with me you began something new, something unknown to you so far. Away from the danger, and the pain, and the loss, you discovered a new part of yourself. You discovered a chance to feel... complete."
Each and every words rang true. Rej never suspected how much she had opened herself to her companion. Like an armour falling from her skin, she felt exposed, vulnerable. And she knew the worst was yet to come.
"But now that the end is near, you begin to see something else in you. Something you kept hidden, deep within. Deeper than anything. You miss war. Every time you put your armour you miss the smell of burned flesh that has cauterized inside it. You miss the horrible touch of the kolto emergency shots. Each time you walk, you miss the drums of metal, the suction of mud, the weight of combat fatigue. And most of all, you miss the Cause, the rallying cry. The Purpose. A purpose you cannot find with me. You are afraid, because you've come to realize that... you miss home. And that there is no place for me, or you new you in it."
The Jedi seemed calm like a blade as she dissected the soldier with mere words, and the terrible power of truth. She was right. She had been all along. Those years had been... soft, like a dream. Beautiful, meaningful. She had learned and discover so much but... it felt like that. A dream. And despite everything, she knew she wanted to wake up. Despite it all. Despite... Kar herself.
She tried to speak, but her companion placed a gentle finger on her lips.
"But you're not the only one afraid you know? I'm... I'm scared too. Me, a Jedi Master. I'm scared, and you know why? Because I have chosen. I was raised by the Jedi, taught the way of the Light but all must one day choose. All must go through Life, live it, experience it, know its taste, and decide to be a Jedi for the rest of one's life. It's a commitment to all life, to everything. It's a promise to be ever ready, ever careful, ever vigilant and ever kind. It's giving up one's life, and I did it gladly, not because I thought I didn't matter, but because I thought there was nothing better to do with my life than serving others. I... chose, like you chose."
She smiled. Was she... crying? Before Rej's eyes, the Jedi master ceased to be. There were no more infinite wisdom, impossible depth of knowledge, absolute confidence. There was no more mastery. The miraluka was still serene, calm, but... for a time perhaps, she was closed to all but Rej. As their hands touched each other, she was no more a paragon to altruism. She was intimate, she was hers, and hers alone.
"I chose, and I would throw it all away for you. I know myself, I discovered me through you. You gave me so much, without doing anything. Just, being, existing, you are... an inspiration. Your strength, your commitment, your endurance and curiosity. Everything you are is beautiful, you are like a sun on my face, a warmth I never knew I needed. I would abandon my oath, and everything. I would flee, I would blind myself, I would turn worlds to glass, condemn thousands of civilisations to decay. I would embrace the darkest depths of the Galaxy, and I would do it in peace. There is no rage, no fury. I feel your side is simply my place, wherever you go, whatever you do. Without you, I simply am not. And I refuse."
Her voice hardened.
"I refuse. For you, for me. I would not bind you or myself. I would not abandon my duty and make you abandon yours. We are... called to other destinies. Ones we chose, not those who imposed themselves to us."
Her hands left, and the warmth turned to cold as she simply sat again on her bed, undisturbed, balanced. Burdened.
"Now the words have been said, the truth is told. Tell me then, tell me what you think. Is it... Is us… worth it?"
Rej didn't know.
To her last day, she would never know.