Once breakfast was over and everyone went off to start their respective days Lou found herself alone in the kitchen. She felt some sense of relief that she didn't have to keep up the pretence of being in control of the situation. Pouring herself another coffee, she walked out to the porch, glad of the fresh country air on her face. Standing still for a moment, closing her eyes as she inhaled slowly. The rhythm of her breathing calming her and bringing her into the present. Feeling refreshed, Lou opened her eyes and smiled. She loved how being out here, being on the ranch could make her forget the outside world and all the troubles that came with it.
As Lou sipped her coffee she saw the familiar sight of Caleb's truck coming down the track. She could feel her insides warming and not just from her drink. There was something about Caleb that had awoke her senses. She couldn't quite explain it, even to herself but just like her surroundings, Caleb felt like coming home. He made her feel safe, protected and loved. Something she needed right now for sure but it was becoming obvious it's what she had been missing all along. Caleb was what she had been looking for and he had been right in front of her all along.
"Lou…?"
"Oh hey Caleb, I was just…" Lou was caught off guard with Caleb appearing in front of her while she was lost in her thoughts. "I was just thinking about the appointment." Lou lied to save her embarrassment.
Caleb nodded with understanding, "You ready?" He asked.
"Yes" Lou replied with certainty.
She knew she could do this. It was only a scan, nothing to scare her with today. If she took it one day at a time and didn't focus on what lay ahead she could handle it. Having Caleb with her as a distraction on the long drive there would certainly help too. The time passed by without her worrying to long about any of it in between Caleb's stories, most of which had a lot of humour and avoided the possibility of tension in the air.
On standing outside of the hospital entrance Lou could feel her bravery falter for a moment. Taking in the size of the building and thinking of all the sick people that filled it. Watching people passing by her wondering if they were ill or having to visit loved ones. Lou's empathy was threatening the fragile barrier holding in her emotions. As her anxiety levels were beginning to rise she felt Caleb take her hand in his. He stood beside her like the rock she needed to keep her grounded.
They walked through the door together, ready to face what lay ahead. Once she was checked in at the reception for the MRI department, she took a seat in the waiting room with Caleb. It felt like time was beginning to slow down now that she was actually there. She watched the clock on the wall slowly tick by, second by second until her appointment time.
A nurse approached to call out Lou's name moments later. Lou stood up to follow the nurse but first she looked back to Caleb. He smiled reassuringly at her, he didn't need to say anything as she knew he was there for her and would be when she came out. The nurse led Lou through double doors into another room. One side had a row of changing cubicles along the wall. The other side had a patients chair and units with medical supplies. There was a handwashing sink off to the side behind her. In front of her she could see two more doors. It felt very daunting now she was alone and unsure about what exactly would happen next.
The nurse handed Lou a gown to change into, showing her into one of the cubicles. She explained to Lou she would need to remove any jewellery as well. Once Lou was dressed in the rather uncomfortable hospital gown, she left the changing area and was met with the nurse who guided Lou to the chair she'd seen on her arrival. The nurse fitted a cannula to Lou's right hand, explaining that they would be injecting her with a tracer through the MRI. It was all becoming rather real to Lou now and she was doubting her ability to see it through. Another nurse emerged from one of the doors in front of Lou and smiled.
"If you'd like to come through" The nurse gestured towards the unknown.
Lou followed as the first nurse accompanied them both. As she entered the room she was in awe at the size of the MRI machine. She had seen them on TV shows before but never really paid much attention to the machine itself. Now she was faced with one it was quite scary looking. She could see the section that was obviously for someone to lie on top of but it was the huge circular tunnel that she would be going into that made Lou wary.
"How long does the process take?" Lou asked with concern.
"It takes around 20 minutes once it starts" The nurse explained, "If you'd like to lie down on the bed face down"
Lou climbed onto the bed and did as requested, while the nurse helped her into the correct position. Another nurse connected some tubing to the cannula in Lou's hand for injecting the tracer once the scan was in progress. One of the nurses handed Lou a buzzer into her hand. Should she feel the need at any moment she wanted the scan to stop all she needed to do was press it. Once Lou was prepped, the bed began to slowly move into the MRI machine.
The motion of the bed kick started Lou's anxiety, it was really happening. She heard the nurses say they were leaving the room but she would still be able to hear them through the speakers. Lou was made aware the machine would be starting and that it would be quite noisy. Even with a warning she wasn't expecting the sound to be so loud, it was a horribly strange buzzing sound with a sort of vibrating to it. All Lou could see from where she lay was into a cut-out area for her face that was perhaps 3 or 4 inches from flat plate. She couldn't see out of the machine and wasn't allowed to move. Before today Lou didn't think she was claustrophobic but at this moment in time she was certain. If this had only been a minute or two, how was she going to last for twenty? Lou thought to herself getting more worked up. She couldn't help herself as she pushed the buzzer.
"Everything okay?" Came the nurse voice through the speaker system.
"I need out" Lou said in a panic. "I need out" she repeated feeling anxious.
"It's alright" Said the nurse sympathetically.
The machine was switched off as Lou's bed began to reverse out of the chamber. She was met by two of the concerned nurses. Who told Lou she could sit up if she needed to, which Lou did without being asked twice. She didn't need to see her reflection to know that she was as white as a sheet, she could physically feel the colour drain from her cheeks. Adrenaline was pumping through her veins and her breathing was erratic. Although Lou had never had one before she was sure this was a panic attack. The nurses offered her some water which she graciously accepted. Lou concentrated on calming herself down as she drank. She had to get through this. Whatever this MRI scan was going to show would help in her diagnosis. Lou needed those answers.
"Would you like to try again?" The nurse asked.
"Yes, I'm ready now, sorry" Lou said embarrassed at being unable to cope.
"Don't worry most people react the same way, you're not alone. If you need more time that's okay or if you'd rather not do it, no-one is going to force you. It's completely your choice." The nurse tried to comfort Lou and offer her an escape should she need it.
"No, no I'm going to do it" Lou said trying to convince herself.
Once Lou was back in position the nurses went through the same process and once more Lou found herself feeling trapped inside the machine. She thought of her children and how much they needed her. It brought a tear to her eyes that she were even in this situation in an effort to see them grow up. She needed to focus to see this through. She remembered what Caleb had once said to her "The only big C you have stands for courage." Lou smiled thinking of what a charmer Caleb was. She began reciting the words, stands for courage, over in her mind like a sort of mantra any time she felt the panic returning. It reminded her she was brave, she was fearless and she could do this.
Lou was almost surprised when the nurse let her know that was the end of the scan. The relief that flooded her was immense. It was over. When she was able to sit up again the nurse told her she had done brilliantly and offered her more water. Lou was glad of the drink to compose herself before standing. She wasn't sure if she could stand feeling a little shaky from the whole experience. When the nurse disconnected the tube she was free to go redress.
Once Lou was back in her own clothes she felt better as if she were putting her armour back on. When she went out to greet the nurse to remove the cannula she had a bit more of a spring in her step. The nurse was lovely and let Lou go once she covered the small spot on her hand.
As Lou entered the waiting room she saw Caleb look up at her with his big beaming smile, standing to meet her.
"How was it?" Caleb asked, a mixture of curiosity and concern.
"I'll tell you all about it on the way home" Lou said, knowing he was the only person she would be telling the true version of events to. She didn't want her family to see her being weak, they needed her to be strong. It was different with Caleb though. She wanted Caleb to see her vulnerable side, the real Lou behind the fierce, stubborn wild woman everyone else saw.