Chapter 19 - Like a panic attack

...

"What was that?" Wilson asked looking at House as he walked out of Cuddy's office door, as he had done almost every day for the past decade, then looking at Cuddy through the open shutters of her French-door as she rolled her eyes and then shook her head, sitting down in her chair behind her desk.

"That what?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You and Cuddy" he replied tilting his head to the side, still looking through that door and then looking at him.

House looked at him with a quizzical gaze.

"She doesn't authorize a procedure if I don't have the patient's consent first. The patient doesn't consent to the procedure... so... no procedure." He said, shrugging and shaking his head.

Wilson looked at him with a suspicious look.

"You two had sex" he said out of the blue, looking into his eyes.

"We didn't have sex" he replied without looking at him before looking up again "I just told her she's an idiot. Would I call idiot someone I have sex with?"

Wilson looked at him with a look that was a 'I wouldn't expect anything else from you, House'...

"Yup." He said, raising an eyebrow "Anyway... you didn't call her 'idiot', House. You told her it would be idiotic not authorizing the procedure," he said, pointing a finger toward him.

House rolled his eyes.

"It would be idiotic not authorizing a procedure that she doesn't want to authorize... ergo... she's an idiot" he said, staring at him and pressing the elevator button with the tip of his cane.

Wilson continued to stare at him and House rolled his eyes again as the elevator doors opened and he got into.

He looked at Wilson, still standing in front of him, arm-crossed, and again rolled his eyes.

"And NO! I didn't have sex with her!" He said again, pressing the fourth floor button as the elevator doors closed breaking that conversation.

"Wilson asked me if we had sex." He said hugging her from behind and kissing the side of her neck.

"What did you tell him?" She asked wrapping his arms more around her own body and tilting her head back so he could continue to kiss her.

"The truth. That you and I didn't have sex. I didn't even have to lie... because of you" He said giving her a mock glare as she turned her head toward him to look at him and he kissed her lips.

"How long do you want to continue to make of me your little forbidden secret, Cuddy?" He said again, kissing the side of her neck as she tilted her head back again to be kissed more.

"How about going out for dinner on Friday?" He asked without moving his lips from her skin.

"Hhhmmm," it was her reply as she couldn't suppress a smile "like a real date, House" she asked, stroking his head as he continued to kiss her neck.

"You don't have sex on first date, but... who knows, I might be lucky" he said kissing her neck as he felt on her skin the vibrations of her laughter.

"Technically... it's our second date so..." she answered with a more excited tone than she wanted.

Thursday

...

Two knocks on the door distracted her attention from the report she was reading, and she checked the time on her watch. 10 p.m. It certainly wasn't House. One, because he had told her not to wait for him that night, two, because he had the key, and three, because when he couldn't find that key he used his cane to knock on the door. She hastened to put the cup in her hand on the coffee table, leaving the documents on the couch, while the knocks on the door grew more insistent.

"Cuddy... is House here?"

She looked at Wilson with a questioning look.

"No," she said, unable to hide the hesitation in her voice "Didn't you have to go out together?"

"Yes, a few hours ago..." he said looking at his watch and then into her eyes.

"I phoned him but it keeps going straight to the voicemail. I went at his apartment but he didn't open, I supposed he isn't at home..."

Cuddy turned around, going back into her house and leaving the door open for Wilson as she took her phone, trying to call him just for being addressed to his voice mail.

"I didn't mean to bother you," Wilson said, looking at her as she looked at her cell phone "I thought maybe you called him for a case... I don't know... something like that... but he's not at the hospital yet..."

"No," she said, biting her lip and this time looking up at Wilson.

"Do you know if... I don't know... if there's someone he could be at?"

Cuddy didn't answer "Let's check his apartment again" She said, taking her purse and putting on just a cotton jacket and a pair of sneakers.

He looked at her as she looked for the key in her purse. She was a beautiful woman even in that very informal version... black leggings, a long V-neck top that covered her bottom and a cotton jacket.

"Why do you have the key of his apartment and I don't?" He asked as she put the key into the lock.

Cuddy looked at him, but didn't answer, just turning the key and opening the door.

He wasn't at home.

She checked the rooms just to be sure, but everything was as they had left it that morning. Two cups still in the kitchen sink. Crumpled sheets on the bed...

Her cell phone rang and she hurried to find it.

She looked at the number on the display. PPTH Emergency Room.

"Dr. Cuddy?"

"Hello," he said looking up at Wilson. "It's me, John. What's going on?"

Wilson saw her suddenly turning pale and closing her eyes for a moment, then reopening them and looking at him again.

"Um... ok. Thanks." She said "Let me know if ... if there are some news, okay?"

"Cuddy?"

He looked at her as she looked at the floor and at the cell phone in her hand.

"Er... the police found House's bike on SR 206..." she said, looking up at him, "The man driving it is in the ER with a head trauma..."

"The man driving it?" He asked as his eyes widened at those words.

"Er ... he has his wallet, but it's not him..." she gestured with her hand, then putting it on her forehead "... it's the reason why Dr. Stevens called me..." she said, running her hand on her forehead and then making her slid along her neck, rubbing it and inhaling deeply "... He..." she swallowed, unable to finish that sentence.

"Where the hell is House?" Wilson asked, more to himself than to her "Haven't the police questioned that guy?" He asked still watching her as she looked up again from the phone still in her hand.

"He's unconscious ..." she said, watching Wilson again "Er... he has drugs and a gun... and..." she looked away, as if she was afraid to finish that sentence out loud.

"Cuddy?"

Cuddy looked at him again realizing only in that moment that she had left the sentence hanging.

"... and the blood on his shirt isn't his" she added, looking at Wilson straight in the eyes.

A guy with a gun had House's bike and documents. And his cell phone was switched off. Even if Wilson hadn't been used to always think to the worst, always dramatizing everything, that situation would put him in anxiety anyway.

"Has none reported the theft of the bike?" He asked, looking at her as she shook her head.

"Holy shit!" Wilson exclaimed, running a hand through his hair "Call the emergency room of Mercy's ... and the one of Saint John's" he said, looking at her "... maybe he's hurt... or he bumped his head... he can be in a daze... or even worse..."

Cuddy looked at the phone in her hand, but her hand was paralyzed. Her mind was paralyzed. Her hand shook and Wilson saw her suddenly turn pale and lean on the kitchen chair before sitting down.

"Hey... are you okay?" He asked, watching her as she closed her eyes again.

She nodded, but no sound came from her lips.

"Did you ever have a panic attack, Cuddy?"

Those words echoed in her mind as if he said them less than a second before...

She swallowed and called the number of Mercy Hospital. And then the one of Saint John Hospital. And then the one of the police commissioner.

"Shit!" It was the only word that came from Wilson as Cuddy closed the last phone call.

No sign of House.

... 'Did you ever have a panic attack, Cuddy?'...

'The feeling of not being able to breathe? I did. On that flight... irrational was not being able to leave that room... not feeling the need of eating... sleeping... not feeling anything but the fear of losing you...'

This was what she felt right now... nothing, but the fear of losing him... So devastating that the only thing on which her mind could focus on was the sound of her heart in her own ears. Silence interrupted only occasionally by Wilson's voice and by the sound of his nervous footsteps on the floor.

Endless seconds that turned into minutes, coming in quick succession one after the other.

"It's almost two in the morning," he said, looking at her as she continued to stare at the phone on the table, as she had done in the last three hours "Maybe we should go home... there's nothing we can do h..."

The look Cuddy gave him, suddenly looking up, froze that word in his throat. He had known her for ten years and yet she continued to surprise him. She was a bundle of nerves, she answered only in monosyllables, and he could almost bet that her hand hadn't stopped shaking even a second from that first phone call, yet she could impose her authority with just one glare.

But he also knew her well enough to know that was clearly her way to not let anyone tell what was in her mind.

"Lisa... go and get at least some sleep" he tried again with a softer tone, nodding toward House's bedroom.

Cuddy didn't replied, just staring at him. Sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees. His featured probably as tired as hers. She could see herself mirrored in his eyes, by the way he looked at her... What she was, not what she pretended to be. She bowed her head, looking away and putting a hand over her eyes. She wanted to cry. Maybe crying would have eased the burden she felt inside her, the knot closing her throat and the feeling of nausea completely closing her stomach.

They both suddenly looked up to the sound of the key in the lock, looking into each other eyes for what seemed like ages before they turned their heads, meeting House's eyes in the exact moment in which the door opened.

"Holy Christ, House!" Wilson exclaimed, immediately standing up as soon as he saw him entering the door on his legs.

He approached him, meeting his tired and questioning look.

"What's up?"

"WHAT'S UP?" Wilson repeated in exasperation as his voice came out of his throat at least an octave higher than usual. "The police found your bike on the 206, and a guy with your documents... we thought you were injured or even dead... your phone is off... where the hell have you been?"

House ignored his words, immediately moving his eyes on Cuddy, sitting on one of the kitchen chairs. She was looking at him, her hand on her mouth. He moved Wilson with one hand and left his leather jacket on the couch, going toward her.

"Hey, it's all right," he said looking into her eyes. She wasn't crying, but her irises trembled like her hand, and probably like her lips under her own hand.

"Oh my God, House..." were the only words that came from her lips as she stood up and threw her arms around his neck.

"Cuddy," He said, holding her in his arms while she hid her face on his chest, inhaling his scent "... hey... it's all right..." he repeated, still stroking her shoulders and back "Cuddy, it's all right, I'm here..." he repeated, kissing her hair.

He searched her face, taking it with both hands and looking into her eyes.

"I..." she whispered "... oh my God, House... I thought y..."

He found her lips, preventing her from ending that sentence and kissing her tenderly, then looking for her tongue.

Wilson was still standing by the door. A look that was somewhere between amazement and confirmation of a theory.

The only time he had seen Cuddy like that had been that one time in her office, after House had told her she didn't deserve to be a mother. The exact opposite of the Cuddy who was in front of him just one second before. And he wasn't sure he had ever seen House that way. Caring. Worried. He looked away, smiling slightly and running a hand through his hair.

"Hey House, get a room" he said, laughing to dull his embarrassment.

Cuddy smiled and looked at House, running her tongue on her lips as he wiped with his thumbs the tears now rolling down her cheeks.

"Where were you?" She whispered, looking into his eyes.

House looked at her. She was still shaking. The adrenaline was the only thing that keep her standing. He leaded her on the couch, making her sit down again, and sitting down beside her. His arm still around her waist and her hand clasped in his.

"Make yourself useful." He said looking at Wilson. "Make an herbal tea."

Wilson looked at him with a very surprised look.

"Whoa, House!" He said, shaking his head "This relationship really messed you" he said, staring at him.

"Not for me, you idiot! For her." He said, rolling his eyes to him.

...

Wilson had left them alone after about twenty minutes. And he had the decency not to ask them too many questions. Their cover was definitely blown, but the last thing they needed that night was a grilling mixed with a good dose of psychological analysis. They were going to answer all his questions... sooner or later... they couldn't avoid it actually... they honestly didn't even intend to conceal their relationship... simply they didn't want comments, suggestions, or someone telling them how crazy they were.

He definitely needed a shower. But the only thing they both really needed at that moment was a night of sleep. Possibly together. Possibly embraced.

"Come," he said reaching for her and making her get up from the couch.

"Better?" He asked, looking into her eyes and stroking her back, stopping at the edge of the bed.

She replied with a nod and the hint of a smile.

"I haven't been hearing your voice for more than half an hour, Cuddy" he said smiling, cupping her face with one hand and stroking her cheekbone with his thumb as she bent her neck to that feeling, lingering in that caress.

"I'm fine," she said, smiling slightly "I should be the one asking you. What happened, House? Where were you?"

"Nobody trusts giving a guy a ride anymore," he said, slowly unbuttoning one by one the couple of buttons of her cotton jacket "It took me a lifetime to walk to the police commissioner" he said, looking into her eyes, making the jacket slide slowly from her shoulders and along her arms, then leaving it at the edge of the bed "that asshole took my phone too... I didn't... I didn't think that idiot of Wilson was going to come to you..." he said, stroking her arms.

She met his eyes as she let his hands look for her bra straps, slipping them under the short sleeves of her T-shirt, then sliding them along her arms. She smiled, stroking in turn his stubble as he unhooked her bra clasp without removing her shirt, rubbing her back through the fabric while her bra fell on the floor. Not a passionate gesture. But stronger than passion.

"Didn't you try to..." she whispered, looking at him again and hesitating, looking for the right word. Defend yourself? Fight? Break his head with your cane?

House shook his head, shrugging slightly.

"He had a gun. And two legs. I had... a cane and only one good leg," he said with a bitter smile, shaking his head "I'm a lot of things, but not stupid, Cuddy."

She stroked his stubble with both hands, brushing his lips with her thumbs.

"But you thought about doing it" she said looking into his eyes.

He didn't answer, just looking at her in what was an unequivocal I did.

"So... why did you change your mind?" She asked, looking at his lips and then again at his eyes. She knew how much proud he was. He definitely wasn't the kind of guy giving up in front of a provocation...

"I already got a bullet once" He replied looking into her eyes "And I'm not gonna take another one. Even less now, since I'm still waiting to have sex with you" he said, playing down that moment, putting his hands on hers and watching her as she couldn't help but smile at those words, although she bit her lip again to keep it from trembling.

"What a stupid" she said, still smiling, putting her arms around his neck and looking for his lips.

"And... I want you to be my wife before being a widow" he said as her smile faded from her face and she bit more on her lip, looking away, as if she were about to cry.

She shook her head, taking his face with both hands.

"Don't ever say that" she whispered on his lips "House, I..."

"Don't say it," he whispered, brushing her lips with his thumb "not tonight..." he said looking into her eyes, still stroking her lips.

He kissed her lightly on the lips, then deepening that kiss, looking for her tongue. Slowly and deeply. He wanted that word... but not tonight. Not like that...

He looked at her as she opened her eyes, parting from her lips and simply taking her hand, pulling her on the bed and under the sheets.

Neither of them spoke as they lay on the bed facing each other, just looking into each other's eyes. He felt her hand stroking his back, sliding her fingers under the hem of his T-shirt and lingering on that tiny inch of skin.

He felt her hand taking his, then resting it on her hip, and moving it in turn under the hem of her T-shirt, silently inviting him to caress her.

He knew she wanted him. That night even more than any other night. And he wanted her. That night even more than any other night. Holding her in his arms, feeling her body beneath his. Feeling she was his more than she already was. But not tonight... not only to give vent to the tension of that night... not only because of fear...

"I want you more than anything else, Cuddy," he whispered on her lips moving his hand down to tease the elastic band of her panties "...but... not tonight..." he said, brushing her lips. "Do you think you can just sleep with me again?" He asked seeing her smiling and nodding.

"I want nothing else" she said, smiling, clutching in his arms, then turning and once again resting her back against his chest, letting him breathing in her hair, holding her close.

She was in his arms. And he wanted nothing else.