Chapter 20 - You can't always get what you want
...
... You can't always get what you want...
She smiled at Mick Jagger's words in the background, bending down to kiss House on the neck as he placed the CD case on the coffee table near the stereo. In the end they weren't go out for dinner on that Friday. House had had a case that kept him busy the whole weekend, which had definitely blown their plans up.
They hadn't brought the subject up anymore. The subjects. Well... at least not in a serious way. She smiled at the thought of how he was continuing to repeat her that 'say yes' in his own unconventional way. This was House. This would always be House. And she knew it.
House watched her as she distractedly rubbed her neck with one hand and her back with the other one, and put his hands on her shoulders, from behind, starting to massage her, then bending down to kiss her neck.
"Are you testing my self-control again?" She said, laughing, turning her head slightly and stroking his stubble.
"Here the only one testing mine is you" he said, smiling and again kissing the side of her neck, sliding his fingers along the muscles of her spine at the same time, pressing harder in some spots and lighter in others.
A moan escaped her lips as soon as his fingers reached the point of her back where her dorsal muscles continued in the lumbar ones, tracing the line of her spine. House couldn't help but smile, running his tongue on his lips and again kissing the side of her neck.
"Do that again and I swear it won't be the only one escaping from your lips, Cuddy" He said, still with his lips on her neck, kissing, or rather sucking, behind her ear.
He heard her inhaling deeply to that feeling and holding her breath, striving to not let out another moan from her lips.
He teased her. Continuously. She wouldn't have expected anything different from him. But what she wouldn't have expected was that he never went beyond that. That he agreed with her in wanting to base their relationship on something stronger than sex. Well... maybe not agree, but he respected her will.
Had he always been like that? She knew there was a part of him that he didn't allow anyone to see. She knew he was more than the sarcastic asshole with which she argued every day. With whom she liked to argue every day.
She turned to him letting his hands slipping around her body as she turned and put her arms around his neck, looking into his eyes.
"I hope you're not going to look elsewhere for what I'm not giving you" she said smiling, looking at him with a mischievous look and touching his lips.
House replied holding her gaze and biting her lip, then sucking it between his lips.
"What you give me isn't that bad, Cuddy," he said smiling mischievously and moving a hand on her butt, squeezing one of her buttocks in the palm of the hand, then giving her a little spanking.
She smiled, looking at him straight in the eye and brushing his tongue.
"You have your needs," she said smiling again.
"I have the shower" he replied, looking at her as she rolled her eyes and let out a small laugh.
"So... are you fine like that? Don't you want anything else?" She asked, raising an eyebrow with a challenge look.
"You know what I want," he replied, staring at her with a piercing look.
"What?" She asked, more because she want to hear it than because she didn't already know. She knew he wanted her body. He wanted that deep intimacy that they didn't have yet. And she knew it because actually she wanted the same. And she was as tired of waiting as he was.
And yet... his answer surprised her again...
"I want a yes," he said, looking into her eyes "that yes... and more than a yes... yes to be mine in all the possible ways"
Cuddy looked at him slightly biting her lip and smiling, waiting for his usual joke after that statement. Probably a sexual innuendo... with some not-too-hidden references to how much he wanted her in every possible way... her, her mouth and her ass... But a joke that this time didn't come.
"So... aren't you really going to change your mind?" She asked him as she couldn't help but bite her lip as she felt his hands hold her closer to him.
She felt his hesitation at those words and felt his hands loosen up a little their grip on her waist.
"Is that what you want? That I change my mind?" He said, looking into her eyes.
"No, but..."
But...
"but... you're crazy," she said, looking in turn in his eyes and smiling slightly. A smile that this time he didn't return.
"Of you" he answered seriously without moving an inch, continuing to stare at her as she smiled and closed her eyes, shaking her head slightly.
"No," she said, however brushing his lips with hers "You are really crazy" she said, looking at him.
He let her lightly brush his lips, but the expression in his eyes didn't change. And he didn't kiss back.
"Why? Because I trust in us, Cuddy?" He asked, seeing the look in her eyes immediately change to those words.
"You think it won't last," he added, continuing to look into her eyes.
Cuddy opened her mouth to answer, but he didn't give her time to reply.
The last thing he wanted was to hear another 'if' or another 'but' ...
"That's why a fucking I love you isn't enough, Cuddy," he said, shaking his head and letting go of the grip of his arms around her waist.
The look in his eyes froze her.
A fucking 'I love you'?
"House ..."
He silenced her with his eyes. A slap would have hurt her less than that look. Of that silent 'shut up!'
"I don't need an 'I love you' to know what I want! Apparently... your damned 'I love you' is not strong enough to want a baby with me... or to want being my wife."
"House no..." she said, trying to reach for his arm.
He glared at her again and stepped back, preventing her from touching his arm, then running a hand through his hair.
"You were willing to get knocked up by the first available idiot!" He hissed without looking at her, as if that was just a thought said out loud.
Her lip began to tremble as she couldn't stop tears from appearing now in her eyes.
"Don't cry!" He said in a so sharp tone that she breathed in as if she had been pierced by a knife.
And she swallowed, looking away and trying to hold back tears. Tears that for the first time increased his anger.
"You're the one who wanted to be more... What the fuck is for you that more, Cuddy?"
He watched her as she looked up at him. But again he didn't let her speak. He was tired. Tired of her bullshits. Tired of her if and but. It had taken them twenty years to get to this point. He wasn't willing to wait another twenty.
"You're a selfish egocentric son of a bitch!" she had said him that night, thousands miles away.
"Here the only selfish egocentric bitch it's you" he said using the same words she had used to hurt him.
Because he knew exactly how hurting her! He knew exactly what buttons to push to hurt her.
... bitch ...
He watched as she looked down, biting her lower lip completely.
Goal!
She closed her eyes and tears inexorably rolled down her cheeks. And she swallowed, opening her eyes, but not looking up.
Tears that again increased his anger. A river that couldn't be stopped anymore. And a bitter laugh sounded from his lips as he accidentally brushed her, passing near her and reaching for his jacket.
"Don't worry" he said coldly, in a piercing and sarcastic tone "I'm not going to get my hands on you" he added as he couldn't not notice the way she had startled to that contact.
Fuck you, Cuddy! Do you really think I would lay my hands on you ?!
He shook his head.
"Ironic," he said sarcastically "you're the only bitch who didn't want to be fucked!" He added, unable to restrain himself, this time without looking at her.
"Hous ..."
Not even the sound of his name almost choked in her throat cracked his anger. And his disappointment. And the bitterness. The words that he had just screamed at her were nothing compared to how much she had hurt him...
"Keep your fucking I love you, Cuddy," he said going towards the door without meeting her eyes "I don't know what to do with that!"
She called him again, trying to grab his hand. Even if he was going to slap her, there was no way he could hurt her more than he already did.
But he just pulled her hand away. He didn't turn around. And he left, slamming the door.
Jeez! How had they come to this! She almost hope he could have beat her up. Maybe physical pain would have mitigated the mental pain.
She met her own eyes in the mirror. Swollen and red with tears.
She lowered the zipper of her dress. Her hand was still shaking and all she could think about was that look in his eyes.
Apparently... your damned 'I love you' is not strong enough to want a baby with me... or to want being my wife.
God ... his hand would have had to be the one lowering that zipper that night, letting that dress drop on the ground as he kissed her neck...
... You're the only bitch who doesn't want to be fucked...
She looked at herself in the mirror. A black lace outfit. The partial transparency of the lace that let half-view of her skin. No push-up, no balconette... that bra just held her breasts in the most natural way. Sensual and simple at the same time.
... Or something more natural, I'm an old-fashioned guy, Cuddy...
She unhooked her bra, biting her lip as she let it fall on the ground.
... fucked ...
No, it wasn't being fucked what she had planned for that night...
... Keep your fucking I love you ...
God ... she ran a hand through her hair, unable to hold back tears...