A/N: This was the other chapter of this story besides 9 that was reeeeally hard to write and I really struggled with. I hope I did it justice.
16. KATE
The whales had moved on, but Kate felt no desire whatsoever to move from her current location. In fact, the only real temptation she was facing was to fall asleep. She was sprawled comfortably against Gibbs, and it was only the relative hardness of the ground under their blanket that had stopped her from stretching out in the sun and coaxing him down to snuggle with her. At some point, they absolutely had to indulge in some al fresco canoodling. It would be a waste of Hawaii not to.
Even the wind blowing in off the sea had died down, and it was so comfortable and peaceful to be sharing another quiet moment. I am going to miss him so much. It was a thought she'd been trying to ignore all day.
She'd missed him horribly over the last few months when he'd been... well, so maybe he'd never exactly been 'just a friend' as far as she was concerned, but at least back then she'd been able to pretend. Electronic communication was better than nothing, but she was painfully certain it would seem even more inadequate than before. There was no substitute for kissing or touching or holding him, no substitute for sharing a bed. Not to mention all the things she so badly wanted to do but couldn't yet deal with.
They'd slipped so easily into this comfortable intimacy, and it felt so natural, so normal, as if this was where they'd been headed all along, and yet at the same time she couldn't get enough. He was absently stroking her wrist, tracing light patterns over the sensitive skin where her palm met her arm, and the simple contact was sending tingles down to her toes. Neither of them had said it out loud, but she'd seen a look on Gibbs' face a couple of times which suggested he'd had the same thought she was harbouring; it might take them a while to get past all her issues, but given the effect of a few soft kisses and the pads of his fingers innocently brushing against her pulse point... when they got there, it would be very much worth the wait.
It didn't stop her wishing desperately that they didn't have to wait, that somehow she could skip forward to the time when she was healed and whole and could act on those desires. The fact they hadn't gotten to make love yet seemed terribly unfair, and she was certain it would make saying goodbye that much more difficult.
"Penny for 'em?"
She glanced up, bit her lip, knew she was turning pink. Gibbs' mouth twitched as if he'd figured out exactly where her mind was at and was repressing a smirk. "Just... really glad you're here." She shrugged a shoulder and sighed. "And I'm really gonna miss you when you go back."
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her temple.
"Me too. On both counts."
She sat up so she could kiss him properly, and it was slow and tender, and damn, but it was a shame about the rocks under this blanket. When they surfaced it took her a moment to open her eyes, and she guessed from his warm smile that he was thinking much the same as she was.
"So, it turns out we're really good at that."
He chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah, we are."
She planted her butt back down beside his, snuggled in happily. "How about yours? Penny for them?"
"How about my what?"
"Don't act dumb, it doesn't suit you." She elbowed him. "Your thoughts."
He laughed again, and she shook her head. She had a sneaking suspicion he did that on purpose; God knew it was a tactic he used on suspects to get their guard down. She might be annoyed he was doing it to her if he weren't so ridiculously charming about it.
"C'mon, Gibbs."
"Okay, okay." He paused, and she could feel the change in gear. "Lots of things. Kinda-" He shook his head and sighed. "Guess I'm still gettin' my head 'round this. Happened... fast." He interlaced his fingers with hers, rubbed his thumb along her skin. "Always hoped it might- eventually." He shrugged. "Knew you liked me some." He shot her a grin. "Never realised how much."
"You grew on me," she allowed.
"Lucky me." His expression turned pensive. "There's stuff... there's things I meant to tell you, things I should've told you already. Thought I'd have more time."
Kate gulped. What could he mean? He bumped his shoulder gently against hers, obviously noticing her reaction. "Nothing - I mean, not things that change this. I hope. Not for me, anyway. Just... stuff you deserve to know."
"Okay." She chewed on the inside of her bottom lip and tried not to let herself panic. She had to concentrate on the positives. He wasn't pulling away, and if it didn't change things for him, she couldn't imagine why it would change how she felt, either. But she couldn't help being nervous. She had no idea what he was about to say, but he suddenly looked so... so serious, so sad.
He took a deep breath, like he was psyching himself up, and let go of her hand to scrub at his face as if he was exhausted. "Long time ago, I told you I'd been married three times, not four."
It was a little embarrassing how she remembered that conversation with absolute clarity. She glanced sideways at him. "Yeah?"
He frowned down at his feet. "I didn't... I wasn't bein' entirely truthful."
He tugged at a piece of grass from where they were sitting, and proceeded to shred it. She got the impression he had no idea what he was doing, that the gesture was entirely unconscious.
"I got three ex-wives, but..." He shrugged. "Been married four times."
Kate frowned. She wanted to probe, to clarify, but there was something in the way he said it. He was either hiding a wife back home, which was absurd, of course, or... there was only one other explanation she could come up with, and it hurt just to think about.
She braced herself, and waited.
"Got married, when I was a Marine. Girl from my hometown. Shannon. My first wife." He heaved a sigh. "We were... happy. Really happy."
Oh, God. Her heart sank. She almost didn't want to hear what was coming. She could feel the shape of it, see all the clues she'd been given over the years, the pieces of the puzzle that was Gibbs falling into place.
"We-" His voice had gotten quieter, rougher, and she held her breath, not sure what could make this worse. "We had a daughter. Kelly."
Kate let out a gasp, then clamped her mouth shut. Did he mean...? Tears were stinging her eyes as the implications dawned, and he didn't need her falling apart on him.
She pressed herself into his shoulder, wrapped her arm around his waist, to try and offer what comfort she could. He rested his face against her hair for a long moment, breathing in deeply, as if he was drawing strength from her presence.
She hoped like hell it was helping him somehow; she'd never felt so inadequate. She wanted to say something, anything, wanted to express her love, her sympathy, her support, but she didn't think she could actually speak even if she had the words. She'd wondered about his past, sure, but she'd never even considered...
For a few minutes they sat in silence, side by side, and she unwillingly put together a few more pieces, aching for him as she figured it out. She'd seen Gibbs with enough children to know how good he was with them, how much he cared, how kind he could be; how far he'd go to defend and protect a kid who needed his help. With a child of his own?
There was no remotely happy ending to this story, it just wasn't possible. If he had a daughter still living, everyone of any importance in his life would know it.
"I- they-" He fell silent, and she looked up. He shook his head and swallowed hard, closed his eyes for a moment, set his jaw like he was summoning the will to continue.
She was tempted to stop him, not to let him finish. She felt like someone had grabbed her heart and was squeezing it, twisting it, and it was impossible to imagine how it must feel for him to talk about. She wound her fingers still more tightly into his sweater, pulled herself closer. He obviously needed to talk about this, wanted her to know, but it was... it was just too painful. Too painful to listen to, and clearly much too painful to tell.
He was busy destroying another piece of grass, as if the displacement activity would stop it from hurting him so much.
"She - Kelly - she was eight. I was serving - Desert Storm." He spoke quietly, painfully. "Shannon witnessed a murder, was gonna testify." Another deep, laboured breath. "They went into protective custody, and..."
Oh my God. His daughter had been eight. Only eight years old. A little girl still. Her daddy's pride and joy, Kate was sure.
"A sniper shot the driver of the car they were in. There was... a crash."
He didn't need to elaborate further. Kate didn't know what to do except hold him. He kissed the top of her head, then unexpectedly scooped her into his lap, pressing his face into her hair again, and his body shook as he wept, quietly, brokenly, clinging on to her like she was a life preserver, his fingers digging into her sides so hard it nearly hurt. Snug against his chest, her hand resting gently over his heart, she let her own tears flow at last. Help me. It was a plea, a prayer, for wisdom and strength, for some idea how to comfort him.
When his grip around her loosened enough to allow it, she reached up and wiped away his tears, then cradled his face, trying desperately to communicate all the reassurance and concern and love she had to offer.
Eyes still closed, he rested his forehead against hers, letting her stroke his cheeks, run her fingers through his hair; simple, physical affection. It both tore at her and deeply touched her to know he would let her see him weak and wounded, would accept her attempts to soothe and comfort him.
Eventually he heaved another breath, shaky but determined, and even managed a crooked smile when he opened his eyes. "Shoulda told you sooner, but... not good at talking 'bout it. Didn't tell anyone, not for years. Not even Ducky." He grew more thoughtful, staring out at the sea. She fancied he wasn't really seeing it, was looking into the past instead. "Actually, didn't really tell anyone so much as - they found out. Year after you... you..." He shook his head, unable or unwilling to finish the thought. "Long story short, it got kinda messy. Guess I'm not much of a one for sharin', mostly."
She couldn't help a dry laugh at his tone. "Guess not." Her voice was shaky too, and she cleared her throat. "I'm so sorry, Gibbs. I'm so..." She didn't know what to say, didn't know what she could say, in the face of such loss, such grief.
He turned to her, his eyes bright blue and shiny with emotion. "I wanted to tell you, though. Wanted you to know. I wanted..." The corner of his mouth quirked up again. "Meant to tell you sooner, though, not-" He laughed slightly. "Didn't expect things to change so quick. You were supposed to know before- before anything else could happen. So you knew what you were getting yourself into, so you wouldn't be going in blind." He shrugged. "So you could... protect yourself, I guess. Decide if it was worth the risk of bein' hurt. Tell me to leave you the hell alone if you wanted." He pulled a face. "You were supposed to get a - you know, 'informed choice'." She could almost hear the air quotes clicking into place, and tried not to giggle at his obvious distaste for the phrase. "Sorry."
"'Don't apologise, it's a sign of weakness'." The reply slipped out without any thought, and she immediately wanted to take it back, but he was grinning at her now, even if it was a little sad and still a little wonky. Maybe it hadn't been the most stupid thing in the whole world for her to say. "Sorry." He raised an eyebrow, and it was her turn to shrug. "Never was that great with rules. I really should've crocheted them on pillows."
That actually got another little laugh, and he folded his arms around her body and tugged her in close again. "I never expected- I didn't know I'd get another chance, Kate. I messed up, before. A lot. Couldn't get past it. Kept tryin' to replace her." He snorted. "You know how that worked out."
She blinked. She didn't know what to say, how to react. He couldn't get past it? Did he mean he'd learned how to, now? Figured things out? Or was she just another replacement, doomed to be another failure, and that was why he was telling her - so at least she'd be prepared?
Please, please let this be different. She made herself stay quiet, listen, give him a chance to make sense of it for her.
"I drove everyone away." His voice was low, and she had to concentrate to follow him. "Couldn't let it go, couldn't- wouldn't-" She felt him shake his head. "Makin' sure no one got too close. Datin' women, marryin' women I knew'd give up on me, let me down, cheat... The team'd be my family, but none of 'em would ever get close enough to let me hurt 'em that way."
"Rule 12?"
He nodded. "Among other things." He sighed. "Then you came along. Got in my face and grew your own balls, threatened to shoot me, and then- and then you kept tryna get me to open up, to talk about stuff, kept pushin', kept... carin'. No matter what I did or how much I growled." He sounded almost exasperated. "Makin' me care." He tugged on her hair. "Not s'posed to have a thing for brunettes, y'know. Not part of the deal."
She couldn't help laughing at his gently teasing tone, but decided this was not the moment to admit she'd briefly considered dyeing it red, once upon a time, to see if she could get his attention that way. She was different, then. In a good way. And that was an enormous relief.
She pulled away from him just far enough to look him in the eye, raised an eyebrow. "Gotta tell you, Gibbs, you're not exactly my usual type, either."
"You mean your grumpy ex-boss a decade and change older with three ex-wives in his baggage ain't your thing, Katie? Gee, I'm shocked."
He was smirking at her, and though that raw emotion in his expression hadn't magically disappeared, the smirk was so him, so damn Gibbsian. She shook her head and grinned, then let herself sink back into his embrace.
She hadn't meant to care about him, either, but she had, right from the get go, liked him despite herself, despite him, and had only gotten in deeper from there. It didn't look like changing any time soon.
It was a little mind-blowing to her to realise he'd managed to get out of bed every morning all these years, carrying this grief around with him, let alone to actually function, to help other people... and he'd done it for so long without anyone even knowing. And here he was managing to smile, managing to be more concerned about the risk of hurting her, and really, he should've known she was way too bloody-minded to let this put her off.
She could've known from the start, she was sure it wouldn't have made the least bit of difference. If anything, the fact he could still care so much and so hard after life had hurt him so badly... it might be sentimental and foolish, but it made her love him more.
He touched her cheek to get her attention, took a deep breath. "I know I said you're stuck with me, but if you - I'd understand if..."
The fact he was offering her an out even now, despite not being able to actually say it out loud... She smiled, tried to make it reassuring. "My mom always said I have horrible taste in men."
He laughed aloud, surprised. "Well, you're definitely provin' her right, Kate." His face got serious again. "Katie, I just don't wanna hurt you."
"Gibbs... you can't guarantee that. No one can." She put a hand up to his face and hoped her conviction showed in her voice and her expression as she continued. "I don't want to protect myself from you. I don't need to. I..." She fiddled with the pendant at her neck. "Being broken doesn't have to be ugly, remember?"
He glanced down and touched the mended heart, then his eyes met hers again and she felt like he was searching her face for something, uncertain but oh so hopeful. Then, his fingers still touching the necklace, he leaned in to kiss her, so tenderly, so sweetly, his other hand slipping up into her hair, and she was safe and beloved and it felt like- it felt like home.
"You don't have to worry, Gibbs," she said, when they finally drew apart. "I meant what I said before. You have no reason to be jealous of anyone, and... I'm not going anywhere. I don't plan to run away or give up on you or - or anything." She touched his cheek gently, smiled. "I do care, I always have. Even when I was trying really hard not to." He laughed at her frank tone. "And you- you mean a lot to me. I'm here to stay. I'm all in. Okay?"
His thumb lightly caressed her cheekbone as he gazed at her for another long moment, then he nodded. "Okay." He pulled her in close and folded his arms possessively and protectively around her. "Okay," he whispered again, and Kate smiled and nodded against his chest.
They'd figure this out. There was something here and it was too good to allow for any other possibility. They were both far too stubborn to let go just because it might be hard. Despite all the challenges, Kate found she was strangely confident. Somehow or other, whatever it took, they'd find a way to make it work.