2 weeks later
I'm sitting in pre-op waiting for them to take me in. I look down at my leg sadly, but when I look up I'm surrounded by my friends and family. The doctor tells me that its time and Christine jumps up on my lap.
"Good luck Mommy!" she leans down and kisses my head and I pull her into an embrace.
"See you on the other side." I look at her and smile. Several nurses and my doctor approach my bed and wheel me away from my friends and family. They bring me past the red line meaning no friends or family beyond this point.
We enter the OR and they transfer me to the table and before I know it they are putting a mask over my face and I am drifting off into blackness.
After surgery
I wake up feeling silly. Once I remember where I am and what I'm doing here. I look around me and see my entire family and all of my friends. I smile. Since I haven't tried to move my leg I am not completely sure of my new leg. I pull the blanket off my left leg in order to see my residual limb covered in a hard cast.
I lift the limb completely up using only my thigh muscles. It feels very light and strange I try to bend my knee but it is no longer there. When I try to wiggle my toes there are no toes to wiggle. It feels so strange to have a leg only going to right above my knee. I put my hand right where my leg used to be on the end of my residual limb. It feels like it's not allowed, like I'm breaking some kind of rule.
Booth begins to laugh "What's so funny? I ask.
"You bones, you're what's funny." I look at him puzzled not really understanding what he means. "You get out of surgery and all you do is see what you can and can't do with your amputated limb." I laugh and he laughs and then christine chimes in and before we know it we are all laughing hysterically, it doesn't really help that I still have anesthesia in my system.
The doctor walks in, "heard you were awake and I came in to check on you and see when you can go home."
"I actually feel pretty good, It's fairly sore but nothing I can't handle."
"Good, I'm glad to hear it. " he examines my leg for a few minutes but he can't see a whole lot because of the cast.
"I think you can go home in a few hours but the oncologist has to put in your port, once the port is in you are free to go home."
"Okay thank you doctor."
"Just head up to the 4th floor oncology wing and ask for Dr. Groth in twenty minutes he will be waiting for you. "
"Thank you once again."
15 minutes later
I'm wandering around the fourth floor in my wheelchair trying to find oncology when I see a sign telling me that I'm already there, I swear the sign wasn't there before. I head to the desk and see a plump woman with her hair in a messy bun on top of her head.
"I'm here for Dr. Groth to put in my port for chemotherapy. "
The lady presses several buttons before asking, "Are you Mrs. Temperance Brennan?"
"Dr. temperance brennan, but yes."
You can go sit in our waiting area for the doctor to come and get you, you won't have to be checked in by a nurse since you're already a patient in the hospital. I wheel myself over to the waiting area and park myself next to the sofa in the corner of the room. I look around trying to get a feel for my surroundings. It's fairly colorful for a hospital the sofas and chairs are a pink, blue and green design. The walls are a pale blue color. Just as I finish observing my surroundings the doctor comes out.
"Dr. Brennan?" I raise my hand so he sees that I am making my way over. While I am trying to get used to the wheelchair and make my way over to him I size him up and get a feel for the man I will be working closely with. "Your dr. Brennan?"
"Yes indeed."
"Okay so I am just going to give you a quick rundown of what is going to happen today, today is going to be the most painful day of your treatment but not the worst. We are going to put you on a table hook you up to monitoring equipment and then insert the port. The incision will be 1 and a half inches long and you will have a small bulge underneath your skin. "
We walk into the radiology suite and the nurse helps me transition from the chair to my table using my good leg. My arms are outstretched and they are bound to the table. I can feel myself getting drowsy as they push meds into My IV. I can here Dr. Groth's voice in the distance.
"Were going to begin now, you are going to feel some pressure as we create the incision," I know from experience that when they say pressure they mean pain. My suspicions were confirmed when I feel a scalpel dig into my skin. It was only pressure at first but then as he slides the scalpel across my chest. When he finally lifts the blade from my chest the pain discontinues.
"Now we are going to insert the port." This doesn't hurt like the incision did but instead feels like a worm crawling through my body. After about two minutes of the crawling sensation it stops and I feel normal, besides the missing leg. He pushes something underneath my skin which is painful and feels like it is stretching the skin.
He tells me he is stitching up the wound site and they bring me back to my room in a wheelchair. My friends and family never left in the two hours I was gone. They all waited patiently for me to get back.
"Sweetie!" Angela screeches as she comes and hugs me.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Angela my port!"
"Oh sorry." she looks so apologetic and hurt
"It's fine angela just think of it like when I was pregnant and my breasts were sore." we laugh hysterically and all of the men in the room just stare confused. Christine comes up and hugs me after Angela backs away, she finds the place my leg used to be a convenient place for her to place her knee. She used her knee to push up onto my chair and embraces me in her arms.
"Let's go home."booth say as he makes his way toward me at the entrance of the room. I twist Christine around and set her on my good leg. Booth makes his way to the handles on the back of the wheelchair.
"Thank you so much for being here you guys to support me and make sure I am okay."I direct this message mostly To Cam and Hodgins who I fear I have not given enough acknowledgement. Booth grips the handles and wheels me out of the hospital."
4 weeks later
Nothing really exciting happened over the last four weeks. I had my first chemotherapy treatment and have not been back to work yet, since the surgery. Christine doesn't understand why I kept throwing up I tried to explain that it was the "special medicine" but I just told her I was sick in the end. Taking care of Hank and Christine has given me a distraction.
My hair has started falling out. It started with a few strand then large clumps, that's when I knew it was time to shave my head. I told Booth this and he assured me I was beautiful no matter what and it didn't matter anyway that he married me because of what is in my brain not because of how I look. Thinking back to this while laying in bed makes me smile. I showed Christine and Hank pictures of what being completely bald looks 's not them I'm worried about though, i"m worried about me coping with the emotional stress. Logically I have no problem being bald, but somehow it means that the cancer is getting to me and I have lost control. Somehow it means that I will be viewed differently in the eyes of society. I know my friends won't care, but the rest of the world might.
I lay in bed still dreading tomorrow and what comes with it I shave my head and then in another week I go for my second treatment. I thought about wearing a wig but they are so hot and itchy. I also thought about wearing a scarf, this seems much more of a viable idea. Half of me just wants to leave it and walk around proudly. Hats could be fun to. You know what, I am going to were my bald head proudly then use accessories to jazz it up, at least that's what Angela would tell me to do.
Angela has been over a few times to check on me, I think her seeing me has made her sad. I invited her to help shave my head with Booth and the kids. She accepted because I don't think she can turn me down right now. The chemo fatigue comes right on time and I fade into sleep.
the next day
I'm sitting in my wheelchair in the middle of our house, Angela is in front of me determining what I will look like with no hair. Booth is behind me plugging in the clippers and franticly looking for scissors.
"Found them!"
"I want everyone to help." I say hoping It can become more fun if everyone helps.
"Whatever you want." Booth says as he walk over to me, "Christine too?"
"Christine too." I say definitely.
"We will let Christine start." booth says
"Yay! Not many people get to say they have cut their mommy's hair."Christine says, I smile and Angela laughs.
Angela sets up a large mirror in front of me on a stool, so that I can see what is happening. Angela walks over with christine to the side of my wheelchair and grips a large sections of hair. This is it I say to myself.
Booth hands Christine the scissors, "ready Christine?"
"Ready!"
"Are you ready Bones?" Booth directs the question to me this time.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
"Here goes nothing!" Angela says as she nods to Christine to start, "Christine make sure you get as close to her head as you can."
"Got it!" Christine puts my hair in between the blades of the scissors and slowly closes them. The hair begins to fall onto my shoulders and slip off onto the ground. I can here this crunch as the hair breaks. The scissors close but not all the hair has been cut.
Christine looks over to Angela, "Again?"
"Yah try to get the hair that didn't cut once you finish that section pass me the scissors."
"Okay!" she repeats the process probably five times before all the hair is removed. I look in the mirror and actually smile because at least this means I'm fighting it. Besides half my hair is just sticking up off my head at random lengths.
Booth comes over and kisses me on my head and he says, "you're beautiful no matter what." I smile.
"Okay my turn." Angela walks around to the back of my head and grips her section.
"Do you want to keep a section as a reminder of what you're fighting for?" Angela asks before she starts cutting. While rationally I feel that I could never forget but I do want to keep a section as a reminder of the battle.
"Yeah!" I nod, "I do, rationally it makes no sense but I do."
"Okay." she takes a hair tie off her wrist and ties her section of hair together against the back of my head. "Here goes nothing!"
She closes the scissors right above the ponytail. And I hear the crunch, she opens them slightly and closes them again,and again until the ponytail separated from my head. She takes the section of hair and hands it to me and look at it it sadly and place it on the counter, but then I think of it in a different way, instead of the cancer taking it away, it is a rite of passage, symbolizing the fight I fought.
Booth walks over to the last section of hair and asks me, "Okay this is the last section,
are you ready?"
"Yah, the hard part is over." He grips the last section of long hair. While he's cutting the last section I look at my crazy hair. It's sticking up all over the place at any were from 1 centimeter to 6 . Once booth is done I look down at my leg and see how much this cancer has taken from me.
Booth picks up the clippers and turns it on, it makes a very loud buzzing noise. "Here goes nothing!" Booth puts the clippers to the front of my face and pulls back. It makes a different noise when it comes into contact with my hair. The small strands fall onto my face. I blow them away from my mouth. When he pulls the clippers away I lift my arm to feel the bald spot. It is very fuzzy feeling, and really satisfying. He leans over and kisses me on the head again, "I love you bones."
He continues to move the clippers across my head While Angela and christine sit on either side of me and watch. We make jokes and we laugh, it is actually fun, I should shave my head more often. After about ten minutes of moving the clippers across my head and laughing with Angela and christine. I haven't even looked in the mirror until he says "done!"
What I see is strange I look like a totally different person. I must look shocked because Angela asked, "Surprising?"
"Yah but I think I actually like it."
"Mommy , Daddy I want to shave my head too!" I look at her with complete shock. I did not see that coming I turn around and stare at Booth with a look on my face saying what do I do.
Booth pulls me away and says to christine, "Give me and Mommy a minute!" His incorrect grammar is bugging me.
"What do I say?" I ask booth desperately.
"I say let her she wants to support her mom and I think that it is wonderful. She should be encouraged to support her friends and family and do what she wants."
"Okay I'm going with you on this one, your better with people."
Booth and I hold back when we see Angela talking to Christine. I wonder what they could be diving so deeply into conversation about. Angela gets up and walks over to me.
"Hey Bren can I talk to you?" this time it was her turn to wheel me away. We are over in the hall out of the earshot of everyone else. "Christine had her heart set on this and she inspired me."
"To do what exactly?" I ask curiously.
" Shave my head. I feel like you should have someone to go through this with you."
"I really appreciate what you are trying to do, but are you absolutely sure you want to do this."
"Positive."
"Ok so you go explain to Hodgins what we are doing while we shave Christine's head. Got it?"
"Yup."
We walk over to what I'm now referring to as the shaving station. I tell Booth whats happening. We all came to the conclusion that Angela and Christine should donate their hair.
"Your turn Christine!" Booth calls over to her. When she jumps up onto the stool in the middle of the room she looks so happy and I decide that this is for the best, if it is what she wants it's what I want. I explain to Booth that he needs to tie all her hair up into many little sections with the tiny rubber bands.
After he's done tying up her hair she has just about 30 little ponytails coming off her head.
"Okay I think we're ready, Christine are you ready?"
"Sooo ready!" she says it like she has been waiting forever, but at the same time I understand because Booth took 30 minutes just putting the rubber bands on. Angela told me that she is going to call Hodgins right before we do her so that she has an excuse to hang up.
She said at one point, "I don't need my hair I already have a man to love me so who cares what my hair looks like ." I told her that was very true. I personally loved the feeling and I think Christine will too.
"Here goes nothing!" Booth says as he grips one of the pony tails on the side of her head and cuts it about three times in order for it to fully separate. "No turning back now!" Booth says as he passes the ponytail to me and Christine giggles. We continue the process as everyone laughs and giggle and before I know it I have most of Christines hair in my lap. It makes me happy knowing that my little girl is a good person who supports and gives to others.
"My hairs so short!" Christine yells out as Both hands me the last ponytail. She doesn't look upset about it she looks very happy. She is smiling from ear to ear and that is how I know I've made the right choice. Booth turns on the clippers and begins to run them across christine's head.
Booth was done in approximately seven minutes and when Christine rubs her hands across her head she say's, "It's sooo fuzzy!"
Angela laughs and says, "Okay before we continue I need to call Hodgins although there is no way he is changing my mind. Us girls, we do this together as a team.
"Yea!" Christine shouts with enthusiasm. I smile. She gets on the phone with Hodgins and found very little resistance from him. I think it's because everyone feels so bad for me. If this were to happen 12 years ago no one would know and I would have given up hope. Booth has truly changed me and now I'm here. Angela takes her turn on the stool and we begin the process again. Booth ties 45 ponytails of Angela's hair with Christine's help. It looks fairly silly seeing angela with her hair sticking up all over the place.
"Brennan would you like to do the honors?" Angela asks as passing the scissors to me.
"Sure." I say thinking what's there to lose.
"You know this will go to some kid out there like Christine who doesn't have hair and wants it more than we do. Right girls?
"Yea!" Christine and I shout enthusiastically, I am really starting to get into this. I put the scissors to her head and look at her reflection in the mirror and she nods. I began to cut the ponytail, I'm pretty sure Angela is flinching but I don't dare take my eyes of the scissors. Once The ponytail comes off I hand it to Christine to hold along with her own hair. I continue this process while cracking jokes and laughing with Booth, Angela, and Christine. I get about half the head done when I ask booth to finish because I can't maneuver my wheelchair around to the other side.
Booth finishes up cutting the pony tails and Christine has to put the hair down on the counter along with my large chunk. Booth begins the process of actually shaving her head, and then to my surprise Angela breaks out laughing.
"What's so funny?" I ask
"It tickles!" I laugh hysterically at this It is just the funniest thing to me.
Just as we were finishing up Booth speaks up, "you know what I'm going to shave my head too. You're my wife and I should be the one supporting you besides I am a man my hair will grow back fast."
"Okay then." I say because to me it doesn't matter is if booth has hair as long as we love each other that's what really matters. So Angela shaves booth's head and we all have fun doing it. When we are all done we get together and take a picture so that it will always remind me of what great lengths my friends went to to support me.