A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites. I love hearing from you all so keep the reviews coming :)
This chapter will switch back to the reality of Quinn being gone but Rachel doesn't realize that at first. I won't ever switch the realities mid chapter at least at the beginning, if I change my mind in later chapters I will let you know. There will be one LONG flashback memory with smut/fluff. But this will mostly be a depressing/angry chapter most of the ones with Quinn gone will be depressing. Sorry about that.
Hope you all enjoy.
I see the sunlight start to shine bright through the curtains into the bedroom, I grab my phone and realize it is already eight thirty in the morning. Rolling over I see Quinn is already gone, she must have snuck out to work early and didn't want to wake me. Throwing my robe on and grabbing my phone I head down to get a cup of coffee and eat breakfast.
Gliding down the stairs I find myself humming and I smile at how happy I am. Yesterday with Quinn was absolutely amazing, we really need to have more days together like that. Brings me back to when we first started dating, I swear we didn't spend more than a few hours a day apart from one another. I go to turn the coffee pot on and I realize there is already coffee hot and ready for me. Quinn must have made extra for me this morning before she left, I will have to send her a dirty thank you text later for that later.
Grabbing the newspaper I sit down at the table and enjoy my delicious cup of black coffee. Suddenly I hear footsteps on the stairs, Quinn must have not left for work yet.
"Hi sweetie. I didn't realize you were up yet," Leroy says while walking in to the kitchen.
Startled by seeing him I spill my coffee all over the newspaper. "Dad, what are you doing hear?" I say running to him and giving him a hug.
"We are staying here for a while sweetie I told you that," Leroy states giving me a suspicious look.
"Good morning," Elijah says sitting down at the table. I get up and give Daddy a big hug as well, I'm just overjoyed that they are here. I smile thinking Quinn must have told them I was missing them but they sure did fly here quickly.
"I have missed you two so much, I'm so glad you are here."
"We have missed you as well sweetie," Dad says looking over at Elijah with a puzzled look on his face.
Elijah looks at me and speaks up "You seem to be doing a little bit better this morning."
"I was pretty sad yesterday thinking about how much I missed you two. Did Quinn tell you that and that's why you got a flight so quickly here?"
Sitting there in silence I look back and forth between my dads waiting for one of them to answer. But neither of them does they just have this mixed look of shock and worry on their faces.
Realizing they aren't going to say anything I chime back in, "You can tell me if Quinn called you, it's no big deal really. I'm actually really happy she did."
Leroy grabs my hand and looks into my eyes, "Rachel, sweetie. Quinn was in a car accident the other day and she passed away. We came down here for the funeral and to be with you remember?"
My heart sinks at the words, I don't even respond to him. Pulling my hand away I run up the stairs into our bedroom, I look all around our bedroom and the bathroom. Finally I look at the night side table and I see it, Quinn's funeral program. I pick up the program and stare at it, what does this mean? Was yesterday really a dream?
Before I can think about it anymore I hear my dads walk in, they walk up behind me and just stand there.
"Rachel. Are you okay? You really had us scared down there," I hear my Daddy say with sadness in his voice.
Ignoring him I sit down on the bed and just stare at the program as floods of thoughts of yesterday swirl around in my head. I had been so sure yesterday that Quinn dying was all a dream. She was hear in my bed kissing me and touching me, I'm just so confused right now.
"Sweetie, talk to us. What's going on?" Dad asks.
"Dad, Can you two just give me a minute?"
"We just want to be here for you and understand," Dad explains with concern.
"What I really need from you two is to get the hell out of my room and give me a minute," I snap.
"Come on Leroy. Let's give her a moment okay. We shouldn't push," Daddy says urging Leroy out of the room.
I shouldn't have snapped at them I know but I can't explain to them what I'm feeling without them thinking I have gone absolutely crazy. Lying down on the bed I try to come to terms with what is going on. How could being with Quinn been a dream? It felt so real at the time, I look at the funeral program one more time and break down.
Having that dream of her still being alive just makes this all harder. I got to experience having her again only to have her ripped away from me, it's like getting that phone call about her accident all over again. Why did you leave me Quinn? I can't go on without her. Everything I've ever seen for myself in the future had her in it, there was never a plan that didn't have her in it.
Starting to feel overwhelmed I decide I can't deal with this and look around for something to help. Talking to someone is just not something I'm ready for right now. I reach under the bed and grab the bottle of vodka that I stashed under there, I've been drinking at night to help me sleep. This isn't the way to handle this but it's the best option I have at the moment. Taking a swig I feel the liquid burn down my throat and sigh at the relief I hope it brings. I continue to take swigs as I lie in bed silently crying while holding Quinn's funeral program.
"Leroy you need to sit down and stop pacing you are giving me a headache," Elijah says as he urges his husband to take a seat.
"I just don't understand what that was this morning with Rachel. She acted like nothing happened and Quinn was still alive," Leroy counters.
"Maybe she just woke up confused is all, this is a big adjust for her."
"I know that Eli but when we told her she acted almost as if it was completely new information that Quinn was in that accident."
"I don't know honey, she is just still processing everything that has happened. I'm just as confused as you are but we need to not push and just be there for her," explains Elijah.
"We should call the therapist that Dr. Miller suggested," Leroy states looking at Elijah with pleading eyes.
"After her little outburst a minute ago I really don't think right now is the right time Leroy. She needs a little more time to herself."
"How much time are we supposed to allow? I just don't want to see our daughter spiral into the darkest depths of depression and not be able to get her back out."
"Leroy, just give her a little bit more time and then we can approach the therapist to her first. I don't think an ambush is the right thing to do for her," Elijah begs.
"But I just want…" Leroy starts but is cut off by Elijah.
"I know honey you want to help I understand that. You have always had this need to handle Rachel's problems for her because you don't want to see her hurting and you want to make her feel better as soon as you can. But this is different Leroy, you can't handle this for her. Trust me on this don't push her or it will backfire on you," Elijah says while getting up and placing a kiss on his husband's head before walking to the kitchen.
Leroy sits there and thinks about what Elijah has said and deep down he knows his husband is right. But he feels so helpless knowing his baby girl is upstairs getting worse and there is nothing her Dad can do about it. It is the most helpless feeling a parent can have in this world. Leroy contemplates what to do and suddenly grabs his phone and starts dialing the therapist's number silently praying that his daughter and husband will forgive his need to fix everything.
Already feeling buzzed from the vodka I wander over to our closet and pull out an old box of memories. The box is full of pictures, clothes, and special memories from the entire time Quinn and I were dating.
I pick up an old t-shirt from a vegan rally I went to and smile at the memory remembering how I drug Quinn out of bed at 4 in the morning to drive three hours to it. She moaned and groaned the whole way about it but the minute we got there and started marching she totally changed. She was running around passing out t-shirts and pins helping me any way she could. I asked her later on the way home what changed her mind and she said it was seeing me speak to people about the cause. She said the passion and drive I had for what I believed in was inspiring and she figured the least she could do was stop bitching and help. She said she had never been more proud to call me her girlfriend.
I smile at the memory, she was always such a charmer, I take another drink and push the t-shirt over to rummage through the rest of the box. Flipping through old pictures I come across our first picture we took together at UCLA. Quinn was going to college there and I was at NYADA, I think back to how big of a turning point this was in our relationship.
Flashback
Deciding on a whim I book a flight from New York to LA to visit Quinn. It has been almost 3 months since we have seen each other and I just can't take it anymore. But there is more to the trip and I have to tell Quinn some big news, I'm just unsure of how she is going to take it. We had already applied to our dream colleges before we started dating our senior year in high school and we decided to stick to the schools we had planned thinking our relationship could handle the distance. I don't think we realized how hard it would be to go from spending nearly every moment together to suddenly spending 3 months apart. Sure we emailed, texted, and skyped all the time but it just wasn't the same.
Getting onto the airplane I debate whether I should call Quinn or not, I decide not to thinking a surprise would be much better. Honestly, I'm afraid she will tell me I can't come because I can't skip class and jeopardize my scholarship to NYADA just to see her. I text Emily her roommate and let her know I'm coming and to not tell Quinn. I know I'll need her to give her the dorm code so I can get in.
Next thing I know I'm at Quinn's dorm room door standing there getting the courage to knock. I can't believe that I decided not 7 hours ago to come see her and here I am outside her door like a nervous idiot. I quietly knock but there is no answer, I know she is here because Emily told me she was, I bang a little harder and I hear a muffling sound behind the door.
"Emily, did you seriously forget your dorm key again. You really need to keep up better with your shit," Quinn yells as she swings open the door and stares at me in shock.
"Nice to see you to babe," I reply with a giggle at the look on her face like she has seen a ghost.
"What? How? Did you fly here?" Quinn stutters out.
"No Quinn I drove for almost 48 hours. Yes I flew here."
She still stands there just looking at me with disbelief. I smile up at her and lean in "Are you just going to stand there with your mouth hanging open or are you going to let me in? Because there are some dirty things I want to do to you right now that wouldn't be appropriate in a dorm hall," I say with a mischievous look on my face.
"Shit, I'm sorry come on in," she replies with a blush forming on her cheeks.
Walking in her dorm room I put my stuff down and turn to look at Quinn. God it feels so good to look at her after 3 months, sure we skyped but the real thing is so much better.
"So Rach what made you fly up here," I hear Quinn mumble out.
I walk over to her and push a strand of hair out of her face, "I just missed you too much."
She smiles down at me, "I know baby I missed you too. But what about school and your scholarship and your…" I cut her off and push our lips together.
Pulling back I lean into her ear, "You haven't seen me for 3 months. Do you really want to talk right now? Because all I want to do is the dirty things I was talking about earlier."
Quinn grins down at me and pushes me up against the door and smashes our lips back together.
I moan out at the forcefulness, "Mmm that's more like it babe."
We make out for a while just missing the feel of our lips being together after so long apart. Quinn pulls back grasping for air and starts nipping my jaw line and down my neck. Making me gasp out as she bites down on my pulse point and soothes it by licking her tongue across it.
"Quinn, I need you right now. Screw taking our time, fuck me up against this door for all I care," I almost scream out.
"Mmm, New York has made you a dirty girl Rach," Quinn mumbles out as she thrust her hips into mine.
Moaning out at the contact I start to pull my dress up staring into Quinn's eyes. She gets the hint and pushes my thong down and pulls my dress off my shoulders exposing my bra.
"Shit Rach. Baby you are dripping for me."
"I need you so bad Q."
She glides her fingers through my folds gathering up the wetness and rubbing circles on my clit. Teasing me while just touching inside of me and then returning back to the circles.
"Jesus Q, I swear if you don't put your finger inside me I will…"I stop when Quinn rams her two fingers deep inside me holding me with her other arm when my knees almost buckle at the pleasure.
"What was that baby? I didn't hear you finish what you were saying," Quinn smirks.
Quinn is thrusting so deep inside of me I can hardly talk with how good she feels inside me. "Yes. Ahhh right there Q," I mumble out not even sure if she could understand it.
"Cum for me Rach. I want you to cum for me," with that and her thumb slamming against my sensitive nub I lose it. I don't even know how Quinn is holding me up right now because I'm pretty sure she has my entire body weight.
"Damn Q, that was amazing. I have missed that," I say smiling up at her and giving her a kiss.
"I love you Rach."
"I love you too babe."
We spend the rest of the next few hours returning the favor back and forth to each other. When we are finally taking a break when Quinn turns to me, "I'm so glad you are here Rach. But I'm just worried you are going to get in trouble in school or by your Dads for this trip. Are your Dad's mad you flew out here,"
Looking away from her I try to avoid answering that question.
"Oh my god Rachel Berry. Tell me your dads know you came here!"
I look up to her sheepishly, "Define know."
"Shit they are going to be so pissed at me," Quinn sighs frustrated.
"I'm sorry babe, I just had to see you and I made the decision on a whim and I didn't want them telling me no. It's my life anyway, please don't be made at me," I reply giving her my best pout.
Quinn kisses my pout away, "I'm not mad at you. I'm just worried is all. And you still haven't told me the real reason why you came, I can tell when you're hiding something."
"Can we just enjoy the day today and I promise I will tell you later?"
"Fine but we are talking about this," Quinn counters.
"I promise. Now let's do something a little more fun than talking," I say as I slide my hand down her body and cup her.
"Fuck, Rach," Quinn replies with her hips bucking up into my hand.
Suddenly the door swings open and Emily comes in, I rush to pull the covers over our naked bodies. Emily sees us and screams out, "Shit, I'm so sorry I forgot Rachel was in town," she quickly walks out and slams the door behind her.
"Fuck, of course this is the one time she doesn't forget her keys," Quinn mumbles out.
I giggle at her and quickly throw on some of her sweats and crawl back into bed. Quinn quickly gets dressed and lets Emily back in there room.
"Enjoy the show?" Quinn smirks at Emily.
Emily blushes at the remark, "I'm sorry Quinn."
I remember talking and laughing with them for over an hour loving that I was fitting so easily into Quinn's world at UCLA. Secretly I was nervous that the blonde would have this exciting and fun new life that I wouldn't fit into anymore.
Later in the day around sunset we took a walk while Quinn showed me around the campus. She took me to her favorite stop, it was this beautiful fountain with tall white columns around it.
"Every time I see this beautiful spot I want to take a picture of it but I wanted the first picture I took of it to have both of us in it," Quinn states as I blush at the sweet comment.
Smiling at her she takes her camera out of her bag and we take the picture. It was the perfect picture; water cascading down around us with the flawless sunset in the background.
After the picture is taken Quinn gives me a gentle kiss and I decide I can't keep this from her anymore "I dropped out of NYADA," I blurt out.
"You what?" Quinn looks at me questioningly.
"That's why I came here, to tell you I dropped out. I hate it there; the people are so rude and entitled. I'm so lonely there without you and all my friends, I just couldn't take it anymore."
"Rach, please tell me you did not drop out of school for me? We promised we wouldn't do that to each other, I don't want you to resent me later for this," Quinn counters worryingly.
"Look I'm not going to lie to you, you are a part of the reason but you're not the only reason. I always thought I was destined to be there and preform on Broadway but I just wasn't enjoying it."
"You have to give yourself time, you can't just drop out because you are feeling lonely one night."
"It wasn't just one night Quinn, it's every damn night. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night and waking up dreading to go to class and being miserable. That's not how I want to live my life," I yell out with frustration.
Quinn looks at me with concern, "How long have you been feeling like this? Why didn't you tell me?"
Sighing out I take the blonde's hand, "Because you were having such a great time here and I didn't want to make you feel guilty because I was miserable. NYADA is just not what I thought it would be and I know this is a big life decision but it is one I know I will never regret making."
Quinn squeezes my hand and presses her lips lightly against mine, "Then I will support you and support whatever you decide to do next."
"Good because I've decided to go to UCLA."
The sound of the doorbell jogs me from my memory, I hear one of my dads go to answer it. I take another drink and start to feel more than buzzed so I put the vodka down and go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Throwing some clothes on I walk into the hallway to find my dads whispering outside my door.
"Shit, you two scared me. What are you doing out here? And who was at the door?" I ask them.
"Uhh honey there is someone here we want you to meet," Leroy says as he guides me down the stairs. I turn to look at my daddy and he is shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose, which usually means dad has done something that he isn't happy with.
Walking down the stairs I notice an older woman with short brown and greyish hair sitting on my couch. She stands up and smiles at us and I wait for someone to tell me who this woman is and what is going on.
"Sweetie this is who I wanted you to meet," dad says avoiding a straight introduction. He sits me down in the chair across from the couch and the woman speaks up.
"Hi Rachel it's nice to meet you I'm Dr. Judith Daniels," the woman says as she reaches out her hand.
I look at her and then at my dads and by the look on their faces I can guess what kind of doctor she is.
"Nice to meet you too. Now may I ask why you are here?" I ask already feeling myself getting agitated.
"Of course. Your dads are worried about you and how you are handling the death of your wife. I'm here to help get an open line of communication," Dr. Daniels states.
I take a deep breath and try not to blow up on the woman when it's really my dads who need to receive it. But with all the alcohol coursing through my body this doctor is bound to be in the line of fire.
"What the fuck do you two think you are doing? Quinn just passed away and you won't even give me the common courtesy for even a week before you pull some bullshit like this."
"Sweetie, now calm down we are just trying to help," Leroy nervously says.
"No Dad, trying to help would have been to give me the proper time to grieve with this and then asked if I wanted to see a therapist. Not ambush me in my own home with a woman I don't even know."
"Dr. Daniels while I appreciate you coming I think it's best if you leave. I was not aware you were coming and am not prepared to talk about everything right now," I state while turning to glare at my dads.
"And as for you two when I ask you to leave me the hell alone listen next time!"
My dad moves toward me and takes my hand "Rachel, please I just want to help you, I want to help you fix this."
"Unless you can bring Quinn back to me there is nothing that will ever fix this!" I yell back at him yanking my arm away.
Dad takes a step closer to me and leans in "You've been drinking haven't you."
"So what if I have," I state challenging him.
Dr. Daniels is still standing there and decides to chime in "Alcohol is not the answer honey, it will only temporarily take the pain away. I understand the loss you are suffering and I am here to help you."
"Are you married Dr. Daniels?" I ask waiting for her to answer me.
"Yes I am married."
"And is your husband still alive?"
She clears her throat and takes her time to answer me "Yes he is still alive."
Chuckling to myself I start to walk toward the stairs I turn around when I'm at the first step "Then you have no fucking idea the loss I am dealing with right now, so don't act like you do."
Climbing up the stairs I go into my room and lock the door while grabbing the bottle of vodka and taking another drink. I lie down in bed and drink until I pass out just wanting the day to be over with.
Leroy walks Dr. Daniels to the door "I'm so sorry about Rachel she has never acted like this."
Dr. Daniels puts her hand on Leroy's shoulder "Let her grieve right now and discuss when the time is right about seeing a therapist. I understand you are just trying to help your daughter but my clients have to be ready and willing to talk and work through the things going on in their lives. Otherwise therapy just doesn't work."
Leroy shakes his head "Thank you, I'm sorry not being up front with you about that. I appreciate you coming out here."
Leroy walks back in to the house ready to deal with the other Berry that is probably furious with him as well.
"How could you do that Leroy? Go behind my back when I specifically told you that this was a horrible idea and that it could blow up. Well guess what it did," Elijah yells as Leroy walks back into the house.
"Eli, I know I made a mistake I see that now. I'm so sorry," Leroy states with regret.
"You do realize we are going to have to work twice as hard if not harder to get her to open up to us now. I just don't understand what possessed you to do this.
"I feel like we are failing her Eli," Leroy yells out frustrated.
"What?" Elijah asks confusion on his face.
"We are her fathers we are supposed to protect her and take her pain away. And we can't do that I feel so helpless, if I could bring Quinn back and take her pain away I would but I can't Eli. I pray every night for that to happen but I can't," Leroy cries out.
Elijah walks over to his husband and wraps his arms around him "Shhh honey it's okay."
Standing there for a minute just holding each other Elijah pulls back and looks deeply into Leroy's eyes "You are a great father and you love Rachel she knows that. I know you feel helpless right now but all we can do to help her right now is be there for her if she needs us. We can't push what we what or think on her, she has to come to terms with this on her own and we just have to be there if and when she needs us."
"You're right. I'm sorry I pushed this, I shouldn't have done that," Leroy pleads.
"You were just trying to help even if you went about it the wrong way. Rachel will calm down and see that, we just need to give her the time to and talk to her tomorrow if she is ready," Elijah says as he pulls his husband in for another hug. Hoping Rachel will forgive Leroy for his need to control and push things on people.