A/N: Can't believe how long it has been since I have updated this story. I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to update. My life has been so crazy busy with school, boards, and my new job that I haven't had time for anything else. But now that I am finished with school and my boards I can get back to writing this story. I promise I will finish this story and update it more frequently, now that I have the time.
This chapter will be back in the reality where Rachel has lost Quinn. She will continue to struggle with this on her own for a while until she finally seeks help. Not sure when that will be yet but it should be fairly soon. This chapter will have a flashback scene and a scene away from Rachel with a few of the glee club members.
Thanks for all the reviews, follows, and favs. Let me know what you think of the chapter and this story in general. Thanks so much!
All mistakes are mine. I do not own any of the characters portrayed in this story.
Waking up in this reality is always the hardest. I know when I open my eyes Quinn will be gone and I will have to face another day without her. I should be a little happy to know that when I fall asleep tonight I will wake up with her by my side again. It's hard to be completely happy when I am still not sure which reality is the one that is true. All I know is that if this is the true reality I don't ever want the other dream world to stop.
Opening my eyes I feel a throbbing pain behind my eyes and my mouth is craving water. Looking around the room I see a bottle of water and a bottle of Tylenol that my dads must have left out for me knowing my hangover would be a rough one to wake up to. I take a couple of Tylenol out of the bottle and swallow them with a swig of water. The empty vodka bottle on my nightstand is a crushing reminder of what happened yesterday and I am not proud of it. Never have I been a big drinker but lately it is the only comfort I have to ease the pain.
Lying in bed for a while I decide to get up and take a shower and try to get ready for another day without her. Taking a deep breath I grab the doorknob and face the serious conversation I know is about to happen after my outburst yesterday.
Slowly I descend down the stairs, my nose instantly fills up with the smell of coffee and what I hope to be a quiet breakfast with my dads. But I know they won't avoid talking about what happened yesterday but one can always hope right.
I walk into the kitchen and see my dads quietly setting the table, I stay still for a second wondering if I could go back upstairs and fall back asleep and into her arms again. The floor creaks beneath me as I try to turn around and I know that it's a lost cause to try and escape this talk now.
"Good morning honey," my dads say in unison with terrified looks on their faces.
I nod to them as I sit down and take a sip of coffee. We all sit down and eat quietly and I start to think that maybe they will avoid talking about yesterday and will just let it go. At least that's what I hope.
Elijah finally breaks the silence, "Look honey I know you are mad at us about yesterday. And I completely understand, we shouldn't have gone behind your back like that. We have to let you process this on your own time." And just like that the hope is gone.
Staring at them blankly I just can't figure out the words to say to them. On one hand I feel bad for lashing out at them but on the other I told them to give me space and time and they pushed to hard like they always do. So I decide to just continue to eat quietly and hope they will just drop the subject.
"You obviously don't want to talk about yesterday and if that's what you want we will respect that," Elijah sighs out.
"But you have to know that we thought we were doing what was best for you. We clearly see that going behind your back like that was not the right way to do that and for that I am sorry. So we will give you your space and drop this until you are ready," Leroy replies with pleading eyes.
"Is this your idea of dropping it?" I snip back, immediately regretting it but not taking it back.
They stare back at me with saddened eyes and get up from the table and start cleaning up the dishes. I take my coffee and go sit on the porch swing that Quinn put in for me. I remember walking this porch with her before we bought the house knowing that this was the one after months of looking.
Flashback
"You ready?" Quinn looks at me with an excited look on her face.
"I guess. This is just getting so tiring Q, I'm starting to feel like we might never find our perfect house. Maybe it's just not out there and we should just settle with another one."
Quinn places her hand on my chin and turns my face and looks deeply into my eyes, "Hey I promised you I would get you our perfect home. I've never broken a promise to you and I don't intend to start now okay."
"I know but…"
Quinn puts her hand over my mouth and cuts me off, "No buts okay. I don't care how long it takes us we will find it okay. Plus I have a good feeling about this one."
I grin up at her because I have always loved how optimistic she is, no matter what the circumstances she always tries to find the good in everything that happens.
"I love you, you know that," I say as I pull her in for a quick kiss.
"I love you too. Now lets get a move on," she giggles as she rushes out of the car.
As I get out of the car and start walking up the driveway, the beauty of this white Victorian home stuns me. The red shutters on the windows and the wrap around porch give off this classic but also modern edge that we have been looking for.
"Babe this is beautiful, I can't wait to see the inside."
Quinn smiles at me, "Come on then, lets go inside."
"We have to wait for the realtor."
Quinn smirks at me and pulls out a key from her jean pocket.
"How did you get the key?"
"I have a confession to make. I saw how frustrated you were getting with looking at all these houses so I have been looking at houses on the side with our relator. I just wanted the next house you saw to be prefect, when I found this one I knew you would fall in love, so I had the relator give me a key so we could see it just the two of us."
Sitting there I just stare at Quinn and wonder what I had done in life to deserve such a perfect person.
Quinn takes my hand pulling me out of my momentary haze, "Rach, you are going to have to say something now because I can't tell if you are happy about this or pissed I was looking at houses without you."
"Sorry. No of course I'm not mad at you. This is one of the sweetest things you have ever done and I was just wondering how I got so lucky."
"Oh thank goodness. You had me worried there for a minute. Lets go inside then baby."
Lacing my fingers with Quinn's we walk up the steps and into the house. She was right the house was absolutely perfect and everything we wanted and more. Plenty of bedrooms for our friends and family to stay in, hopefully one day to fill children with as well. The master suite is enormous and don't even get me started on the master bathroom. Huge closet space because she knows I love to have extra room in there. A huge downstairs room below the main level that she said we could build a stage on, it even has enough room that she says she could build a small dark room to develop her photos in. I am in complete shock at how absolutely right this house is for us, it has things I didn't even know I wanted until I saw them.
"So what do you think?" Quinn asks with worried eyes.
"I don't even know what to say Quinn. It's undeniably wonderful and nothing I would change, this is the one."
"Well then welcome home baby," Quinn says as she picks me up and twirls me around. She finally puts me down and we are giggling, crying, and experiencing every good emotion you can think of all rolled up into one.
"I do have one more surprise for you if you think you can handle another one."
"What? Quinn you have already done so much for me, I don't deserve all of this."
"Trust me you deserve all of this and more Rach. Now close your eyes." Quinn puts her hands over my eyes and walks me to the back porch.
"Now open."
As I open my eyes I see this beautiful white porch swing just like the one my grandparents used to have.
"I can't believe you found a house with a porch swing just like I wanted."
"Well actually I didn't, I knew this house was everything we wanted and more but it was missing just one thing. So I convinced the relator to let me put in a porch swing, I knew you wanted one like the one your grandparents used to rock you in."
My eyes get cloudy as I recall the memory, "I can't believe you remember that."
"I remember every story you tell me baby," Quinn says as she gently presses her lips to mine.
We walk over and take a seat and just sit there in the stillness for a moment and really let it all sink in. I'm so excited to start this new journey with my wife and overwhelmed by the thought she put into making sure this house was the one. I lean into her as she puts her arm around me and pulls me tight.
Quinn kisses my forehead as we rock back and forth, "We are going to grow old together here and be so happy and one day we are going to rock our grandchildren in this swing."
I took up adoringly to my wife as a tear rolls down my cheek, "I couldn't imagine anything better."
Quinn pecks my lips and looks deep into my eyes, "I promise that will be us one day, nothing will ever change that."
Rocking back and forth I wipe my eyes at the thought of that promise she made on this very swing. It was the only promise she every broke to me and it was the one promise I wanted to come true more than any other one she made.I don't even know how long I sit there just thinking about her in the silence. As I stare off into the distance I just keeping wishing the day away so I can wake up to my wife again.
I hear someone come up behind me and I turn to see my dad Elijah and he smiles a sad smile at me.
"We are going to go out for the rest of the day and give you your space. If you need anything just call okay."
I look up at my dad and all I can do is nod my head, I can see in his eyes he wanted more but I just can't give it to him. Finally I make my way back into the house and just walk back and forth in circles starring at the pictures that line the walls. So many memories swirl around in my head and the silence I wished for I am now wishing away. But there is only one person I want to take the silence away and it's the one person that can't give it to me.
Hearing a soft knock on the door I get to my feet and open it to find one of my best friends Brittany. I haven't seen or talked to her since the funeral and I am shocked to see her standing outside my door.
Brittany looks up at me with a sad smile, "Hey, can I come in?"
"Sure."
"How are you doing?" I just stare at Brittany and really wish people would quit asking me the same questions over and over.
"Well let's see I lost my wife in a car crash, how would you be doing?"
Brittany looks up at me like a hurt puppy and she is a person that always has the brightest smile on her face and loves life.
Seeing this I immediately regret coming at her like that, "I'm sorry Britt. I'm doing pretty much the same. I either cry my eyes out or lash out a lot, as you just saw. I don't mean to be like this but I just can't help it."
Britt puts her arm around me and pulls me in tight, "Hey there is nothing for you to apologize for. You have gone through the unimaginable and you have the right to act however you feel."
Sniffling I hug her back, "Thanks."
We sit down on the couch and Brittany turns to me and takes my hand, "We are all so worried about you. We want to help you with whatever you need okay."
"Britt, I know everyone wants to help and be there for me and I appreciate that, I do. But I don't even know what I need, I'm going through so many emotions. Honestly, I'm glad you have all been trying to help me and I love having you all here but sometimes it makes it harder because every time I see you all it reminds me that I have lost her."
"We just want you to know we are here for you while you are going through this," she muttered.
"There is just so many memories tried up with all of us together. You all being there at her funeral and supporting me meant a lot. At the same time I couldn't help but think that when we are all together Quinn was with us and then I remember she will never be with all of us again and I can't deal with it," I replied as my eyes started to cloud over.
"What do you need from me Rach? Whatever it is I will do it, we all will do it."
"I just need some time alone to grieve away from you all. I'm not trying to be harsh I just need to be separated from our world that we shared together for a while," I turned away as I said those words to her because I knew if I saw the look on her face I would crack and take it back.
"If that's what you really need we will respect it and give it to you," she replied with the saddest voice I've heard come out of her.
We got up and walked to the door, she turned and gave me one last long hug before she left. As she hugged me tears streamed down my face, "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it was best for me and for all of you. You all need to grieve her loss yourselves too."
"I know it's just going to be hard," Britt squeaked out as she walked to her car and left.
As I watched her driving away I knew it wouldn't be long before she told everyone what I wanted, I just hoped it wasn't the wrong decision.
Brittany drove down the street tears rolling down her face as she called Santana.
"Hey San it's me. Can you call Tina and Kurt and tell them to meet us for dinner, we all need to talk about Rachel," she muttered with a shaky voice.
"Yes San, I'm okay. I'll talk to you about it at the restaurant. Love you."
At the restaurant
Brittany walked to the table holding Santana's hand still feeling heavy from her talk earlier with Rachel. She looked up and saw Kurt and Tina in the booth talking quietly. They sat down in the booth across from them and felt everyone staring at her waiting to start.
"How did it go with Rachel today Britt?" asked Kurt with uneasiness in his voice.
"I've never in my life seen Rachel like this guys. She is worse than I thought, her dads called me and said she has been drinking and lashing out. I just had to go over there and see it for myself."
"Her dads told me she woke up the other day thinking Quinn had called them to come down and surprise her. They said it was like she forgot for a minute that Quinn had died and she had to experience it all over again," Tina said as she watched everyone's expressionless faces.
"I still can't believe it happened. There was a problem at work the other day and I picked up the phone to call Quinn because I always called her to help me solve them. It wasn't until I saw her picture on the contact screen that I remembered I couldn't call her anymore for help. I broke down and they sent me home for the day," Santana replied stumbling over her words at the memory.
"We all still can't believe it and are trying to deal with it all. Just think of how hard this is for Rachel. They were freaking married and did everything together, how do you just suddenly stop one day. How is she going to get past this?" muttered Kurt.
"With space and time alone," replied Brittany.
"Britt, you aren't suggesting what I think you are?" Kurt retorted back.
"It's what Rachel wants guys. She said she needs time and space away from everyone to deal with this. We all bring up to many memories for her right now and it's making everything harder. We have to respect what she wants from all of us."
"Seriously? Don't tell me you agreed with her on this," Kurt muttered back frustrated.
"It doesn't matter if I agree with it or not Kurt, it's what she has asked from us. You didn't see the look on her face when she saw me at her door, or get lashed at because you weren't who she wanted behind that door."
"What do you mean she lashed out at you? What did she say?" snipped Santana.
"San, that's not the point okay. She is hurting and right now I think we are doing more harm than good if we push her to much," Brittany huffed.
"Brittany is right guys, if this is what Rachel needs we need to respect it and give it to her," replied Tina.
Santana slammed her hands on the table and everyone jumped back in shock. "Dammit Tina, she is not the only one who lost someone that day. I have been best friends with Quinn since Kindergarten and I struggle everyday without her. Quinn would not want us to leave Rachel alone and let her deal with this by herself. I don't care if she thinks she can deal with this alone, it's not the right way to handle this!"
"And how is the right way to handle this Santana? None of us have experienced anything like this before and none of us know what the right move to make is," yelled Tina.
"It can be to leave her alone T, it just can't be," replied Kurt crumbling at the thought of leaving his best friend to struggle alone.
"Kurt how would you handle it if you lost Jay?"
"Santana…..Britt, how would you cope and move on from losing one or the other huh?"
Everyone sat in silence struggling with the truth in Tina's words. None of them could even imagine losing their soul mate and the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.
"Look guys I saw the pain and struggle in her eyes when she asked me for this. She is reaching out and grasping at whatever she thinks will make her feel just a tiny bit better. We should respect what she wants, we aren't going to leave her alone forever. Just until it is easier for her to see us and not be hit with a wave of memories," whimpered Brittany.
"If you both think this is what is best for Rachel right now then I will stay away for now," replied Kurt contemplating if they were all going to regret this decision.
They all looked to Santana and waited for her to agree or to even say something. But she just sat there looking over into the distance with tears streaming down her face.
"Baby? What do you want to do?" Brittany asked hoping Santana didn't crumble.
"I was just thinking Quinn is the only one who would know what Rachel needs right now. But she isn't here, so I guess we will give Rachel what she wants for now," Santana mumbled out hoping she was doing what her best friend would want her to do.
They all finished up dinner with only small talk and mostly silence all thinking about the unanimous decision they were making. When they all got in there cars and drove there separate ways one thought crossed every single one of there minds, they all hoped there were doing what Quinn would want them to do.
Back to Rachel's POV
Getting dressed I wondered why I even bothered, not that long from now I would be coming right back to bed and drinking myself to sleep. I knew my dads were back and cooking dinner so I figured I could at least get dressed and eat with them. Still struggling with what they had done the day before, I knew they had only been trying to help so I figured I could at least please them a little by showing up to dinner dressed in something other than pajamas.
Dinner was going by quite smoothly, my dads mostly small talked while I ate the delicious Tuscan vegan pesto pasta they made for me. I even chimed in a few times and complimented them on the food they made, I was proud of myself. It seemed like such a small step before but now seemed like the biggest hurdle to engage and try and fake even a glimmer of happiness. As my daddy brought out desert the phone rang and I got up from my seat to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Yes can I speak to Quinn Berry-Fabray please?"
And just like that I was slammed back down into the pit of darkness after only trying to take a small step out. I dropped the phone on the counter without hanging up and went to the kitchen to grab a drink.
Leroy got up from the table and picked up the phone and the realization of what just happened hit him like a slap in the face. He told the telemarketer not to call there anymore and walked over to Rachel and put his arms around her.
"Rach, I'm so sorry that happened. I should have answered the phone."
Glaring at him I poured myself a drink only to have Leroy take it away from me.
"Honey, lets just go sit back down at the table and finish have some desert," Leroy encouraged as Elijah got up and tried to ease me back to the table.
In that moment all I saw was blackness and the only thing going through my mind was to run. Get as far away from everything and everyone that reminded me of her that instant. I got up and put on my jacket over one of Quinn's tops, then I grabbed my keys and walked into the garage. I could feel my dads trying to stop me, asking where I was going and begging for me to come back in the house.
As I pulled out of the driveway my headlights shinned bright on there devastated faces.
I rolled down my window, "I just can't be here right now, I have to get out of here for a bit."
Before they could reply I sped out of the driveway and just drove until I figured out what the hell I was going to do now. I don't know why that guy on the phone saying her name hit me so hard. It's not like I had stopped thinking about her, I never go a second with out doing that. All I can think about is that every second I'm in this dream, reality, or whatever the hell this is, I'm afraid I will get stuck here. I won't wake up to her beautiful face anymore, this will be my life, this utter nightmare.
I pull up to this hole in the wall bar because I know I won't see anyone I know there and it doesn't have the memory of my wife along with it. Popping up on the bar stool I look around and study the bar, it's different from what I had thought when I pulled in. The outside was so old and out dated but the inside was fresh and modern. Sure it still had the normal bar look but pictures and art lined the walls while live bands played in the back. All I could think of while I looked around was that this was a place my wife could have loved, quiet and misunderstood on the outside and edgy and artistic on the inside.
I was so lost in deep thought I almost didn't hear the bartender call out and ask what my poison was.
"Tall vodka with a splash of cranberry," I yelled over the band playing a cover of a Sam Smith song. They were actually pretty good and if I was working tonight I might try and get them in the studio to see what they could do. I'll have to tell Tina about this place sometime.
I don't know what my plan was coming here, I just figured it would be a good place to drink alone and not be able to hear my own thoughts over the blaring music. Chugging back the drink the bartender immediately slammed a new one down right in front of me.
"I didn't order that," I replied as she pointed down the bar at a couple of guys with suits on with the sleeves rolled up.
"It's on them sweetie," the bartender muttered as she walk down to serve someone else.
Looking over I tipped my glass at them and turned back around and listened to the music. When the middle of their set came they called for an intermission and one of the suits that bought me a drink started toward me.
"How's that drinking tasting?" the guy asked while looking me up and down.
"Not interested," I snapped cutting him off.
"Woah! You haven't even heard my proposition yet," he said with a smirk and a wink.
"Look thanks for the drink but seriously never going to happen."
"What are you married or something?" he snipped back.
Even with the words feeling like a shot to the heart I replied quickly, "Yeah I am!"
"Sorry then," he mumbled as he walked back over to his friend. I was glad that was the end of it, I really didn't want to continue arguing with him.
Even in a bar where no one knows me, I get bombarded with the memory of what my life is now. I quickly call over the bartender and ask her to call me a cab, laying the money down on the table I get up to leave. Just as I turn around a drunken girl falls into me and spills her drink all over my shirt. Standing there staring at my now ruined shirt, I realize I had put on one of Quinn's t-shirts before I left and now this girl ruined it.
She stumbles up and instead of apologizing to me rants on about how I should watch where I am going.
The girl starts to walk away and I pull her back to me and turn her around, "Excuse me. You tripped and your drunk ass fell into me and ruined my shirt."
"No you fell into me bitch," the drunken girl yells.
"Are you kidding me right now? You were stumbling and almost face planted into me. You owe me an apology, you have completely ruined this shirt."
"Apology? Ha, get real. Plus it's an ugly ass shirt any way, you are welcome," she scoffs and she starts to walk back to her friends.
Red is all I see as I come toward the girl and turn her around and shove her. She shoves me back and the next thing I know punches are getting thrown and the bouncers are tossing us out of the club.
Not believing what just happened I sit back in the cab and let the driver know where to go. Tears stream down my face for being so stupid to wear Quinn's shirt to the bar. Never have I let drunken girls or anyone for that matter get the best of me. But with the alcohol coursing through my veins and the raw emotions swirling around me, in that moment I just didn't care.
Creeping back into the house I see the light is on in the kitchen and I try to go upstairs without being noticed.
"Rachel, is that you? Please come in the kitchen dear, we were worried sick," states Leroy.
Walking into the kitchen I dread the next conversation more than I dread the one from this morning.
"Oh my god honey, what happened to your face?" Elijah shouts with concern.
Sighing I get ready for what is to come, "I stopped at a bar, had a few drinks, and got into a little scuffle with another girl okay. No big deal."
"No big deal? Your eye is bruised and your lip is swollen, it looks awful and painful."
"I'm fine. I took a cab home because I didn't think I could drive."
Leroy sighed and brought me over some ice putting it over my eye.
"Does that fell better honey? Do you want some Tylenol or anything?" concern dripping from Leroy's voice.
"No, I'm going to go to bed."
"Rachel wait, we need to talk about this. You run out of here and we have no idea where you are going. Then you come home drunk with bruises all over your face. This isn't good for you honey, you are carrying around so much pain. Let us help you."
"Funny thing is these bruises on my face don't even hurt, I feel numb. And I have every second since I got that damn phone call telling me my wife was dead. Let me deal with this my way, just back off," I shout back as I walk up the stairs and into the bedroom.
Laying down I wonder if I will always feel like this, will I ever feel pain again or will I always walk around numb to the world. Every second I was with Quinn I was feeling, things I didn't even know you could feel. As I lay my head down and close my eyes all I can do is hope that when I wake up I will feel those things again. But not just feel them again, feel them with my wife like it used to be.
I know this chapter was on the darker side but most of the ones without Quinn will be. But I try to put a flashback in these chapters to have at least one happy moment.
Please Review and let me know what you think. :)