A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and favs last chapter. I'm so glad people are enjoying this story.
Rachel will go to therapy in this chapter and there is some talk about her and Quinn's relationship. Quinn's car accident will also be talked about during this chapter so it will be a sad one. But there will be one happy flashback of there high schools days.
All mistakes are mine. I do not own the show or any of its characters.
Please review and let me know what you all are thinking. Thanks so much.
Opening up my eyes I feel the harsh light shinning through the bedroom curtains and try to will myself back to sleep with no luck. I turn over and place my hand on Quinn's side of the bed and grasp her pillow and place it to my nose. After the accident everything still smelled like her but now it's a fading memory.
Slowly I crawl out of bed and walk to the bathroom, looking into the mirror I barely recognize the person I see standing before me. A big dark purple bruise around my eye and a swollen lip from the bar fight I got into the other night staring back at me. I start to grab my makeup to try and cover it up but then set it back down wondering what's the point.
Leaving the bathroom I go downstairs and am surprised to not see my dad's standing in the kitchen. I sigh out a breath of relief that they are not there to talk about what happened. I know I'm pushing them to hard to back off but I just can't tell them about what I'm going through because I know they wouldn't understand. A part of me is worried that they will think I'm crazy if I tell them, shit sometimes I wonder if I have gone crazy.
Turning on the coffee pot I see a note beside it from my dad's. They wrote they would be gone for the day and if I needed anything to just call. I wonder where they could have gone but I quickly dismiss it because I'm just glad that they left me alone.
I walk outside with my cup of coffee and sit on the back porch swing and take out my cell phone deciding to go through my messages. Most of them are from friends and family just calling to see how I am doing and I quickly delete them, not wanting to go down that rabbit hole. After I get through a few of the messages I come across a voicemail from the officer on the scene of Quinn's accident.
He says they are finished with the investigation and has ruled it an accident and that the car is at the junkyard. It will be crushed at noon and he gives todays date and says if I want anything out of the car I can stop by there before. Looking at the time on my phone it's 9:00 in the morning that only gives me a few hours to get down there.
Finishing my coffee I wonder if I should call my dads or Kurt to go down to the junkyard with me but I quickly reject that idea because I don't want an audience for what I'm about to do.
As I get ready to leave I wonder if I am making the right decision to go see the car. Most of her belongings were taken out and already given to me but they could have missed something and didn't know it. I know it is going to be hard to see the car but there is just something inside of me that is screaming to go see it.
Pushing my fears aside I go to grab my keys and walk into the garage remembering my car is still at the bar from the night before. I instantly curse wishing I wouldn't have drank so much and would have drove it back. I could call my dads to come get me but I know they will insist on coming with me and this is just something I have to do on my own.
I look over at our other car under the tarp in the corner of the garage and quickly decide against it as I walk inside to call a cab. They said they couldn't get a cab there for at least 45 minutes because they are short staffed today, I know if I wait for the cab I won't get to the junkyard by noon. I tell the company never mind and walk over to the garage staring at the keys dangling on the rack.
I decide I either have to drive her car or I don't go, I grab the keys and walk into the garage looking at the tarp with dust over it. Gently I pull back the tarp and my eyes immediately get cloudy at the sight of Quinn's pride and joy.
This was Quinn's first big purchase when she started making good money at her photography studio. She had always loved classic cars and this one she had been dreaming about since she was in high school. She only drove it on the weekends or when she was having a bad day, this car meant the world to her.
I slide into her black 1967 Ford Mustang GT500 and am instantly flooded with memories of our many adventures in this car. She loved everything about it and always had the biggest smile on her face when she was driving it.
I start to cry when I see her aviators sitting on top of the dashboard remembering how she would never drive this car without wearing them. When I finally calm down I slip the aviators over my eyes and put the keys in the ignition roaring the engine to life.
Cruising down the street a small smile comes to my face because driving her mustang makes me feel close to her. The smile is quickly wiped off my face as I pull into the junkyard, I take a deep breath and get out of the car as I walk toward the office.
A bell rings as I walk into the building and an older woman with grey hair and a cigarette in her mouth shouts out, "How can I help you?"
"Yes I'm here to see my car and go through it before they crush it today."
"We crush at noon, it's 11:00 we don't let people back there this late, sorry," she replies as she turns the page of her magazine and has yet to look up at me.
"Look I didn't get the message from the officer until today, it will only take me a few minutes can't you make an exception," I plead with her.
"If I made exceptions every time someone asked for one we might as well not have any rules at all," she snorts out as she takes a long drag of her cigarette.
"My name is Rachel Berry-Fabray and my wife was in a…"I start but am cut off as the lady finally looks up at me from behind her magazine.
"Did you say Berry-Fabray?"
"Yes."
She starts rummaging through her paperwork and pulls out a file, "Are you here about the grey Lexus?"
"Yes."
She gives me a sympathetic look and walks around her table grabbing a pair of keys, "I'm so sorry about your wife. Come on, I'll take you to the back and let you go through the car for a few minutes."
Smiling weakly up at her I thank her and follow her through the double gates and toward a loud machine. She walks over to the machine and talks to a guy in a blue jumpsuit, he stops the machine and walks away.
"He's going to give you a few minutes okay?"
"Thank you, I really appreciate this."
"You're welcome, the car is right around this machine over here. I'll come back in a few for you."
I nod my head and walk around the metal crusher, I suck in a deep breath when I finally see her car.
Her Lexus is almost unrecognizable, all the windows are smashed out and the front of the car is crushed up to the steering wheel. Her driver side door is lying beside the car where the EMT's must have pulled her out.
I fall to my knees at the sight before me, I knew this would be hard but I wasn't expecting the gut wrenching view that is before me. She must have been so scared and in so much pain. I finally stand up with weak knees and continue to cry as I look inside of the car through the driver side window.
Deciding I've had enough I'm about to leave when something catches my eye. Tucked in the corner of her dashboard by her speedometer is a picture, I lean in and pull the picture out.
I had never seen the picture in her car before, she must have put it in recently or took it out when I was in the car with her. It was a picture of us from high school at a football game, she was in her cheerio outfit and I was in a McKinley high t-shirt and jeans.
Flashback
Sitting up in the bleachers I can't help but stare at Quinn as the Cheerios throw her up and she twirls around. I've always loved watching her cheer, she has always seemed to love it so much, almost as much as she loves glee club. Plus the little skirt she gets to twirl around in isn't bad to look at either.
We have gotten really close over the summer and this first month of our senior year, we have spent every spare second with each other. She confessed a month ago that she had feelings for me and she told me she thought I felt the same way. I have fought against that because I don't want to tell her the truth that I am falling for her and she is all I think about.
She has been challenging me the last month trying to get me to go on a date with her and admit my true feelings. I continue to turn her down and tell her we can only be friends. I'm just so scared of her going back to her old ways or even worse it being a joke between her friends. I really don't think she is that person anymore but a tiny part of me can't help but be guarded around her.
I'm not to interested in the game because we were down by a lot in the 3rd quarter and we always lose but all of a sudden the football team starts to come back. Quinn and the Cheerios starting getting the crowd on there feet to cheer them on. We score a touchdown in the last few seconds and win the game and the crowd goes wild. Everyone starts taking pictures and running out onto the field but I stay in my seat on the bleachers soaking it all in. I see the Cheerios jumping up and down with each other and the football team but I don't see Quinn.
I start looking around for her but can't find her. Suddenly my eyes are being covered up and I feel Quinn whisper in my ear, "Looking for someone special?"
I shiver with the feel of her skin against mine and the feeling of her pressed up against my back so close.
"I was looking for you and couldn't find you," I retort back.
"So you admit I am someone special huh?" she responds, giving me a wink.
"Quinn…"
"Alright, I'm just kidding. Well sort of."
I look out to the field and see most of the crowd cheering with the team, "Why aren't you out there cheering with the crowd and with your cheerio friends?"
She looks out into the crowd and looks back at me, "This is one of those moments you remember from high school and I wanted that memory to be with you, I didn't want to share that with anyone else."
I stare at her as she starts to fumble with the camera that is in her hands. I'm in awe of what she just said, and she is just going on like it was common knowledge that she felt that way. I guess a part of it was, she told me she cared about me as more than a friend and was falling for me but I never really understood what that meant from her until now.
Quinn finally stops messing with her camera and holds it out in front of us, "Take a picture with me so we can really make it memorable."
She puts her arm around me and we smile toward the camera.
While she is looking down at the picture I look around to see if anyone is around us.
Quinn looks up at me and gives me a strange look, "Are you looking for someone special again? I thought that look was only for me."
Smiling up at her I move in close and take her hand, she looks down at my hand and then deeply into my eyes and I press my lips against hers for a slow soft kiss.
I pull back from the kiss and Quinn has her eyes closed like she is savoring the moment.
She finally opens them, "Will you go to dinner with me tonight as my date?"
"I kiss you and that's the first thing you say?" I say chuckling at her.
"What? I figured we could talk about the kiss over a dinner date," she states smiling from ear to ear.
Laughing at how adorable she is I take her hand and stand up, "Let's go on this date you have been begging me to go on."
"I wouldn't say I have been begging you, I would go more along the lines as strongly encouraging you to go on a date with me."
"Well whatever it is, let's get to it before I change my mind," I retort with a smirk on my face.
She pulls my hand back and stops me, "Hey seriously though, can I ask what changed your mind about going on a date with me?"
"You did."
Quinn raises her eyebrows at me confused, "What did I do?"
"Quinn, you have been honest and genuine with me for a while now but I just realized that up in those bleachers tonight. So I decided I'm going to trust my heart and see where it leads us."
"Sounds perfect to me."
End of Flashback
I can't believe she kept it after all these years and in her car with her all the time. It was so sweet and touching and so very Quinn, it made me miss her even more in that moment.
"I was just coming back to check on you," the lady from the office said startling me.
"I'm sorry, I'm done."
We walked back to the front gate in silence, I could tell the lady wanted to say something to me but couldn't find the words. Most people were the same way, they don't know how to talk to someone that is going through a tragic loss.
As I open the car door and get ready to drive off I stop and take a minute. With everything I just saw and everything I've been going through I decide it's time to see a therapist in this reality as well.
Pulling out my cell phone I look up the therapist that was at my house the other night and dial.
"Yes, Dr. Judith Daniels please."
"This is Dr. Daniels."
"Hi, it's Rachel Berry-Fabray," I state suddenly extremely nervous.
"Hello Rachel, how are you doing," Dr. Daniels asks.
"Not so good, that's why I'm calling. I'm ready to talk about everything and about Quinn."
"That's great Rachel. Let's set something up soon then okay."
"Actually, I was wondering if there was anyway we could meet today," I ask hoping I don't have to wait any longer to finally tell someone what I am going through.
"Normally I wouldn't be able to see you so quickly because of my schedule."
"Oh well that's…" I start but Dr. Daniels interrupts me.
"But I actually had a meeting cancel today, so most of my afternoon is free now."
"That's great, thank you so much."
"I'll see you in about an hour then," Dr. Daniels replies.
"See you then."
Driving back into town I start to wonder if I am making the right decision. I don't want this doctor to think I am crazy and lock me up. I get to her office a little early and decide to look her up on the Internet before I go in.
I find out she specializes in people who have suffered loss or have gone through a trauma. She seems to be very renowned in her field and there is nothing bad written about her that I can find. I decide right then and there to let everything out and to trust her.
Walking into the building my nerves start to kick in, I write my name down on the sheet and the receptionist takes it and tells me that Dr. Daniels will be with me shortly. Sitting in the chair I start to wonder how Quinn would feel about me being here, I think she would be proud that I am talking and opening up.
"Dr. Daniels will see you now," the receptionist states as she opens the door to her office.
"Rachel, hi nice to see you again."
"Nice to see you too. And sorry for being rude the other night at my house," I reply feeling guilty for going off on her when she wasn't the one I was mad at.
"That's okay, I've had people act a lot worse. I want you to know though that I had no idea you didn't no I was going to be there. I would never blindside a client, it has to be your choice to seek help," she says with sincerity in her voice.
Nodding my head I lean back and get comfortable, "That's why I'm here, I'm ready to face the fact that I need help with everything."
"That's great Rachel, I'm really proud of you."
"Now before we start with all the hard stuff, I want to hear about you and Quinn from the start so I can get to know you and her. If that is okay with you," Dr. Daniels asks.
She seems really genuine so I decide to open up, "That's a pretty long story."
She chuckles, "Well we have plenty of time now that my afternoon is free."
I nod my head and start from the beginning telling her briefly about before we were friends and then when she joined glee club and how we slowly became friends.
"Quinn and I started getting really close the summer before senior year. One night she confessed her feelings to me and said she thought I felt the same. She asked me out on a date but I told her no," I continued wishing I was back in that room, I would have said yes right then and there.
"No, really? Why did you say no?" Dr. Daniels asks intrigued.
"We had gotten really close as friends but a part of me still didn't feel like I could trust her considering our past together."
Nodding her head with understanding, "What made you finally take that leap and forgive her?"
"I actually was just thinking about this earlier today," I continue as I tell her the story of how in one moment I decided to follow my heart with Quinn instead of my head.
I walk her through our inseparable senior year, college years, and the beginning years before and during our marriage up until Quinn's accident.
"I can tell from that story how much you two adored each other and how in love you were. You stopped at the accident, why is that?"
Looking down at my hands I think about how much I really don't want to relive that day, "I'm sure my dads told you or you heard the story."
Dr. Daniels pushes forward, "I have heard their versions of the day yes, but what I am really interested in is your version of that day."
Sighing I resume, "It was a typical morning for us. I made Quinn breakfast before she left for work, we were bickering about going to a dinner with our old glee club friends. She didn't want to go but I was pushing like I always do."
My eyes get cloudy because I never wanted to talk about that day again, "She got irritated with me about wanting to go and she left the house, but then came right back in and told me she would go and kissed me on the lips then told me she loved me."
"I was rushing around the house because I was about to be late for a meeting when my cell phone started to ring," I choke out barely getting the story out.
"Do you want to take a break Rachel?"
"No if I don't push through this now I never will."
"Okay, but you can stop whenever it gets to much."
"The officer on the phone asked my name and asked if Quinn was my wife. He said that she had been in an accident and despite there best efforts that she had died on the scene. I collapsed right there on the floor and didn't move until Kurt came rushing in the house. Quinn's assistant had called and told him because she was worried when I didn't pick the phone up," I cry out full on sobbing at this point.
"I know how hard that must have been for you to relive Rachel, but this process calls for laying everything out and being totally honest no matter how much it hurts," Dr. Daniels replies looking at me sympathetically.
"15 minutes," I mumble out.
"Excuse me?" Dr. Daniels asks looking confused.
"That's how long Quinn's drive is to her office. 15 minutes and I lost my whole world."
"The loss you are dealing with is tremendous but I can help."
Nodding my head I calm myself down and wait for her to continue.
"Now tell me about the drinking and about that new bruise on your face."
"I started drinking right after Kurt picked me up off the floor. I've never been much of a drinker but it's the only way I can deal with the pain and fall asleep. As for the bruise I went to the bar the other night and got into a scuffle."
"And what was the scuffle about?"
"The girl was a drunken mess and spilled on Quinn's shirt that I was wearing. She called it an ugly ass shirt and I lost my temper," I answer embarrassed.
"It's understandable that you lashed out when a treasure you hold dearly to your heart was destroyed. Now back to the drinking, why are you drinking?"
"I told you the pain is just too much," I respond irritated.
"Is there any guilt mixed in with that pain."
"Guilt? Why would I feel guilty?"
"You tell me Rachel," she sits there staring at me, I feel like she can see past all the bullshit I throw up for everybody else.
We sit there quietly for a while until I finally cave, "I wasted half of that damn morning bickering with her about some stupid glee dinner. It's so unimportant now, I should have spent that morning telling her how much I loved her and cared for her."
"You had no way of knowing what was going to happen when she left Rachel. You shouldn't feel guilty about living your life as a normal couple that will argue and bicker from time to time."
"If she wouldn't have come back in and kissed me and told me she loved me I would have never forgiven myself. But I'm mad at myself because she was always the one to cave and give in, I shouldn't have been so headstrong all the time," I yell back.
"From what I can tell from your story about Quinn that is what she loved about you the most. You stand by what you say and never falter."
Looking into her eyes I can tell she really means that and it matters to me that she can read Quinn so well by just a story I told her.
"We come up with all sorts of different ways to deal with losing a loved one, the drinking and the anger are your ways of coping with this loss."
Right there is my in to be honest and tell her what else is going on that is leading me to drink and I decide it's now or never," That isn't the only reason that I have been drinking."
Dr. Daniels looks at me puzzled, "Is there something else that has happened?"
I bite my lip because this is the first time I am going to tell the full honest truth about what is going on, "There is more that is going on that I haven't told you, it's why I called today and set up this meeting."
She sits there waiting intently for me to continue.
"I just can't deal with this on my own anymore but I'm afraid to tell you because I don't want you to think I am crazy," I stutter out looking down at my hands.
"I won't think you are crazy, you can trust me with this Rachel. Let me help you."
"Every night I close my eyes and see my wife," I shout out stumbling over the words.
"It's not uncommon to have dreams about…"
Quickly I cut her off because I don't want her to think I believe I am dreaming, "No you don't understand I fall asleep and wake up with my wife."
"I don't understand what you mean Rachel. Tell me how this works?"
"I close my eyes at night and fall asleep, then I wake up in the morning and open them, same as you," I snip back, wondering if I should just say it was a dream now before she thinks I'm certifiably insane.
"Let's start from the beginning then, when did this first happen," she questions scooting to the edge of her seat.
"I wake up and my wife is still alive and the accident never happened, we continue to live are lives normally. Then I go to sleep and wake up and I am here in a reality where my wife has died and am dealing with her death," finally getting out the entirety of the story.
"And this has been happening since the accident?"
"Yes! I live my life in both and continue to see my friends and family in both, none of them seem to know anything is different."
Dr. Daniels leans back in her chair and looks up from her notes that she has been writing, "Meaning you don't know at this very moment if you are dreaming?"
One part of me is thrilled that she finally gets it but the other part of me is scared what this means, "Right. And no one else knows about this except you."
Dr. Daniels sits there like she is wondering how the best way to handle this, "Like I said earlier we come up with all sorts of ways to deal with losing a loved one. But in your mind you have created an entire reality where you never lost your wife, and your mind has become so involved in this that you can't tell which is a dream."
"I know this sounds crazy, trust me I get it. But there isn't one thing here in this reality or the other that gives me any clue as to which is a dream."
"Your mind has created a reality where you have the same people around you but you can't distinguish what the truth is in either of them," she states bewildered.
"That's why I came to you, I haven't told anyone about this and its too hard to deal with on my own anymore. I touch and feel in both of these realities like they are truly happening and I've never in my life had dreams like this before."
"I'm glad you came to me, you shouldn't be dealing with this on your own. But I have to be honest with you that I've never seen something like this before in my career," she responds looking at me flabbergasted.
"Well I've never dealt with something like this before so I guess we are even."
"There is only one thing I can assure you right now and it's something you need to come to terms with."
"That's why I'm here Dr. Daniels, to figure out the truth," I answer her waiting for what is to come.
"I can assure you that right here right now that this is not a dream, this is your reality."
Instantly I start to break down because this is what I was afraid to hear, that I have made up this alternate reality with Quinn that is all a dream.
Dr. Daniels hands me some tissue and waits for me to calm down, "I know this is scary but I can help you Rachel."
I think of what that means for her to help me, how is she going to help me? And then it hits me she is going to help my mind realize that this is not a dream.
Looking at her I calm myself down before I answer her, "I'm going to be honest here because I promised myself I would be and I will continue to see you because I promised myself I wouldn't quit as well."
She gives me a soft smile, "I'm glad you feel that way Rachel this is going to be hard work but I believe you can do this."
"Because I am going to be honest there is something else that you need to know."
"Good because this is only going to work if you are honest," she states happy that I am being honest but not knowing what is yet to come out of my mouth.
"Yes I still wake up and see my wife. But I feel better every time I wake up from this dream or reality because I am with her. I get to see her and feel her and live the life I always wanted with her. If having Quinn in my life like that is a problem, it's a problem that I am happy to have and nothing is going to ever change that. If in your help it comes to letting Quinn go, then you need to know that I have no desire to ever make progress and get better."
Dr. Daniels sits there unable to say anything as I get up and walk out of her office and head home to go to sleep and see my wife again.
Kind of left it on a little bit of a cliffhanger but not to bad of one, sorry. I know some of you might be mad at what Dr. Daniels said but just remember it's not all what is seems ;). Please review and let me know what you think, thanks so much.