A/N: Me VS Comedy! I LOSE! I'm sorry! It was easier in my author's note since I didn't need to add any big details which goes well with Gintama's slapstick comedy. But when you do need to add the details for a story, you have to take another angle to keep the comedy, but it can't be slapstick since the details makes it lose its edge.
So don't expect that much humor.
Plus remember that its a two year time skip! And no, it's not like the time skip arc!
Ages:
Shinpachi - 18 (August 12) Leo
Hijikata - 29-going 30 (May 5) Taurus
Kagura - 16 (November 3) Scorpio
Gintoki - 29 (October 10) Libra
Otae - 20 (October 31) Scorpio
Kondou - 30 (September 4) Virgo
Sougo - 20 (July 8) Cancer
Yamazaki -34 (February 6) Aquarius
Also even if Gintama is an anime where the characters never age, I am a stickler for time schedules. At least for the seasons in this one, so right now its spring in my fic so Hijikata's birthday is coming up.
._._._.
Chapter 1: If you're not romantic, just go to Tumblr. But romance in Gintama will look out of place no matter how you do it, so roam free.
Dear diary #102, it's me again, Shimura Shinpachi. A lot has happened this month that I may need to move on to Diary #103 for next month's adventures. The last two years have had its ups and downs, and you and the other diaries have been the only ones that I can turn to to let out all my thoughts and feelings about the events that Gin-san and Kagura-chan put me through. I must say that its interesting reading all 101 of them. They help me refresh my memory of the moment I decided to join Yorozuya, and I am truly certain that I don't regret that choice.
Aaah, but that's enough reminiscing. Right now, I have a problem that is not worse than the problems that I have faced before, but this certainly may be one of the top five most confusing problems that I had ever faced. Diary...I may be...bi-curious.
I've come to know that term through talking with Saigou-san when I began to have these strange thoughts and feelings after Tsukuyo-san had asked me and Gin-san to host at a gay club since it was understaffed. It was similar to Honjou-san's host club except it only caters to gay men. I turned 18, so I was at the legal age in Yoshiwara to work. Gin-san and I were reluctant to do it at first, but after the price that Tsukuyo set for us, we jumped right in.
Kagura-chan couldn't come with us for obvious reasons, so she had to sleep over at my house since Gin-san and I wouldn't be back until morning.
I wasn't surprised by what went into being a host since anue-e worked as one, but what I found challenging was making my customers fall in love with me. If a host cannot make their customer fall in love with them, then they can't hope to make it in the world of host club. It was only for a few nights until the club can get more hosts to join, but I wanted to try my best to do a good job to earn my pay.
I am not at all confident in my skills to make girls in love with me. I didn't know how I could fair with men since I wasn't gay. Surprisingly, it was easy.
The club's manager, Shoko-san, sold me off as the shy, reliable, cute type. He made me wear contact lenses and put me in a waiter suit without the jacket.
Gin-san and I didn't want to be known by our names in case they meet their clients outside of work, so I was named Shinji and Gin-san was named Kintoki. He was against it, but the paycheck won him over again.
From what I remember, Gin-san was sold as the charming, comedic man with a mysterious air to him. He was really popular with a lot of the customers very quickly. It's no surprise since Gin-san is capable of doing anything if he actually put his all into it. We really got a good paycheck this time that we didn't spend it all after celebrating at a buffet, and Gin-san was able to pay the rent for once after I told him to, many times. I was also able to get anue-e bargain dashes!
Aah, but back to my experience as a gay host, I do find making people fall in love with me under false pretenses to be the work of a thief. Yet, the customers of host clubs are well aware of these false pretenses (except for people like Kondou-san), so you could say that it's more of a trade between two individuals.
My first customer was a lawyer. Ikita-san was depressed because his marriage was going in ruins because he confessed about his sexuality, and both his wife and his children want nothing to do with him.
I naturally couldn't give advice, but I did my best to give him support and comfort. I convinced him to look at the brighter side in life, and I may have flirted with him a little to make him think that I felt lucky to have him there. I don't want to say that it was entirely a lie. I didn't feel lucky for a reason that Ikita-san may have thought, but I did feel lucky to be able to make him feel better, and that I was being successful with my first customer. We talked some more, and as a host, I needed him to order some expensive drinks, so I may have coaxed him to drink a bit too much before he had to leave.
My next customer was Takahashi-san who was a baseball player in disguise who wanted to only figure out what it was like being in a gay host club without being overwhelmed. I made sure that he felt comfortable. We shared some laughs, and we drank a bit together. He then asked me if he could see me again. I told him that I would only be available for a few nights, and he promised that he'd come to each and every one of them. I was surprised, and I guess I may have...blushed and smiled happily.
My third customer was quite frightening. He was the leader of a ferocious gang who sneaked into Yoshiwara in disguise since his true sexuality was unknown, and it was his first time to be there.
When I thought about it, I noticed that a lot of my customers were either first timers or really depressed people. I told anue-e about this, and she told me that it was natural to pair first timers with first timers so there wouldn't be a high level of expectation, and the really depressed people wouldn't think much for their mistakes since they're stuck in their own world.
Either way, it was fun. None of them touched me since it was a rule, and I was willing to give them a listening ear since their stories were interesting.
Gin-san and I were able to leave at the morning during sunrise. I had to help Gin-san since he was completely wasted.
The next night was almost the same with different stories, but Takahashi-san didn't come. I have to admit that I was a little sad that he didn't come to see me, but I reasoned that he was busy since he was a national athlete. I did get to meet other interesting men such as Nakano-san, Kobayashi-san, Kato-san, Matsuoka-san, and so many others who I could list later if I have the time.
As enjoyable as it was being a host, it began to become quite difficult as the nights went by since more men began seeing me. Apparently, some of my clients told them about me. I was happy to get the attention, but some of them came in groups, and I was a bit overwhelmed since I still considered myself to be a newbie. I couldn't help being shy and angry when the groups were filled with loud and obnoxious men who weren't afraid to say of what they thought about me as if I wasn't there.
I wasn't like anue-e where I could beat up a group of men with my bare fists alone, and I didn't want to get fired. I remembered my bushido, and I made some new ones, and altered some old ones to find a resolution to remain calm and polite more so than I usually was.
You must be bored with all this prattling about my night job, and probably thought that my struggle with my sexuality was because I fell in love with one of my clients. I will admit that I was fond of most of them, and some of them were really handsome that I was jealous, but I didn't feel any sexual attraction for them.
A man can feel emotional interest for another. It's a common practice among samurai that deepens the relationship between them just like me and Gin-san. There's nothing wrong with that, but if his little samurai were to swell with interest as well, then it becomes complicated.
The problem was my curiosity with gay se...
Shinpachi hurriedly crossed that off.
two men becoming intimate under the sheets.
Yes. That was better.
I was disturbed to think of that kind of recreational activity since I was the old-fashioned type before, but now that my eyes are open to different people, you could say that my perspective changed into an understanding one, but not an open one.
Now, I believe that changed after I saw one of the hosts, who I knew pretty well as Fujioka-san, go out with Takahashi-san. I wasn't jealous, but I did feel a sense of curiosity and another strange feeling when I did welcome that curiosity.
And somehow that curiosity made me dream of...finding myself under another man in a position that wasn't natural to me, but it was also not that...unpleasant.
I'm sorry! I woke up feeling slightly confused, and terrified because it was a whole new side of me that I didn't understand, like a creature lurking in the darkness to become the bearer of bad news and bad luck. The worst thing was that there was no one I could think of that night to help me through it. I couldn't turn to the hosts in Yoshiwara because I wasn't that close to them, and I was not confident in myself to confess to them.
This new discovery about myself made me self conscious of the men in my life. Gin-san was still Gin-san to me. Okita-san was too terrifying for me to even think of him in such a way, but I do take his beauty in a new light if I let myself think that way a tiny bit. Every other man, including those from the club and Honjou's club, I know didn't spark my interest for several reasons.
Gorilla. Madao. Too fast with anal problems. Three crazy guys in space. **** in canon. Too old, too perverted, or are enemies. If any of you got this in under a minute, you've been keeping up on your anime watching and/or manga reading. Good job.
However, I did have one person who made me interested a little bit. Yamazaki-san is a pretty great guy. We randomly meet up during the day, and spend time together talking about our lives as the odd man out of our group of eccentric people. Yamazaki-san is sixteen years my senior, so obviously nothing will happen between us. Not that I was hoping that there would be something.
I suppose I should've known that I wouldn't immediately fall for anyone since I am not promiscuous, and I believe that I am in the right mind to not fall for a handsome man when his personality matches that of the demon or a fool or both.
I then came to a possible answer that I was just being a curious straight man. But even if I did come to that conclusion, the dreams didn't stop. It was...exciting to dream about being...intimate with the same sex. I still get excited over a girl, but with a man, it's almost the same. Just a bit more...
Shinpachi blushed bright red. His own little sword began to swell and twitch when he remembered those vivid dreams. He forced himself to find some self control!
It was nice! That's all I'm going to say! Sigh...Not only could I not find someone to talk to about this issue at the time, I also couldn't explore it through *uh hum* traditional means. I know it's natural, but I cannot stand having such impure thoughts on purpose like Gin-san would. I respect women like I respect anue-e. To degrade them to sexual fantasies would degrade my own character...although, I will admit that I have been tempted to see females in cute and perhaps provocative clothing, but at least its not to an extent that would label me as a pervert!
Exploring my sexuality shouldn't label me as one, or so Saigou-san had told me. He told me that he heard from Otose-san of what I have been doing at Yoshiwara and wanted Gin-san and I to help him out again. I've grown used to being dressed as a woman, so I was okay with it, but like a good employer, I told him that I had to discuss this with Gin-san first.
Then for some reason, Saigou-san could tell that something was off about me. I was shocked since he was the first person to notice, or at least bother to ask what was wrong. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about my...I believe the word was queerness? But I really wanted to find answers, so I confessed my problem with Saigou-san inside his shop while it was closed, so it was only the two of us and some of his girls including Agomi-san.
I explained my situation, and each of them taught me about the LGBTQ community. I have heard of the organization, but I haven't looked into it since I used to think that I was straight, so it didn't apply to me.
After listening to them, and then evaluating my sexuality, I came to the conclusion that I could be bi-curious. It is not an actual sexuality, but I firmly believe that identifying myself as a straight man would be incorrect.
Especially when I'm starting to believe that I may actually have someone I like.
"Oi, Shinpachi!" Hijikata called out from outside Shinpachi's room. He had let himself in through the gate since he preferred to avoid the young teen's older sister.
SLAM! CRASH! CLUTTER!
"What's with all that racket?" He looked in through the window and caught Shinpachi trying to put something in his closet. He was curious of what it was, but knew that it wasn't his business to ask, so went straight to his own business. "Hey Shinpachi." He called out again.
The eighteen year old, who was flushed with sweaty palms and a panicked heart, looked over to him as if he had committed a crime. But it was quickly glossed over by a familiar, polite smile. "Aah, Hijikata-san! Are you here to find Kondou-san again?"
"Tch. It's already been two years, and chief is still chasing after your sister. But it's alright for now. I have no serious police duties to attend to in an hour unless my men radio me in."
"I see. Well, my sister went out to do some shopping, but she and perhaps Kondou-san will arrive soon. Would you like to come in and have some tea while we wait for them?"
"Sure. You have the mayonnaise flavored, right?"
"Yes, I do. Just wait for a minute at the living room. I'll be right over."
"Excuse me for the intrusion." The shinsengumi police's vice chief knew the house from the inside out. There was once an attempt to renovate the place, but that went awry quickly, so it was kept the way it traditionally was.
Hijikata and Shinpachi have grown close enough to be considered comrades in battle, and casual friends in everyday life. The kid was becoming a man, but Hijikata never did treat him as an inferior for his age. Shinpachi acted mature for his generation unlike the other no-good teens during these days. Though now, within their own subconsciousness, the new age had made their standing feel more equal as samurai and men in general.
Shinpachi's appearance barely changed. He looked like he was blossoming into his movie 2 version, except his clothes were similar to his usual clothing. Hijikata looked like his movie 2 version, but he remained wearing the shinsengumi uniform that hadn't been changed.
"Thank you for waiting." Shinpachi knelled at the table with a tray of tea and a few snacks served.
"Thanks." Hijikata was sitting at the table in a relaxed manner. He took the cup of tea and sipped it in to get the sweet taste of liquid mayonnaise in his mouth. There was also a bitter taste to it, but it blended well with the sweetness. "You got better at making this."
Shinpachi smiled brightly at the compliment. "Thank goodness. I'm glad I could make it suit your taste, Hijikata-san." The teen took a sip of his own. It was a bit strange drinking it, but it was healthy for his heart. And if he put the thought that he was drinking mayonnaise flavor out of his mind, it was good. "So how have you been, Hijikata-san? I haven't seen you around Edo lately."
"Aaah, I went with Kondou-san to Bushuu to scout some samurais to join the shinsengumi. We found some promising men, but the green behind their ears still needs some washing before they can dare call themselves a part of the shinsengumi."
"Is that so. Knowing you Hijikata-san, I always feel sorry for the newbies in the shinsengumi, but you wouldn't push them so hard if you didn't believe in them. Shinsengumi is truly lucky to have you on their side. You've proven too many times of that." Shinpachi gave the vice chief an appreciative smile.
Hijikata stared at him, and then blew his smoke towards the ceiling. "Heh. Are you trying to butter me up for something? Or is that some kind of habit you learned from your night job in Yoshiwara." Shinpachi froze in shock. "Sougo told me when I came back that you were working at a gay club in Yoshiwara with that bastard of a boss."
The eighteen-year-old felt his face flush red. "I-I can explain!"
"There's nothing to explain. Nothing's wrong with being a host. I'm just surprised. You also seem more charming. It's pissing me off honestly." Hijikata was always honest, and to the point.
Shinpachi understood. He realized that he was indeed trying to butter up Hijikata, and felt ashamed for his sudden lapse into his host self. "...Sorry. I ca-" He was about to say, "I can't help it when I am around a handsome man like you, Hijikata-san." But then knew that that was his host self speaking. He tried to revert back to his usual self, but all he could say was, "I'm sorry."
Hijikata was aware that he may hurt Shinpachi's feelings, so he quickly clarified, "It's okay. I'm well aware that the work of a host must be tough on you. It's just that I would like for you to treat me like one of your friends instead of one of your customers."
The younger samurai immediately understood. He was glad that he didn't make the older man want to stay away from him. "I understand. Sorry for my rudeness. Being a host is truly a tough job if it's not suited for you. I thought that I wouldn't be able to satisfy enough costumers for their return through just talking to them since my appearance isn't worth a second glance. But surprisingly, even if my appearance is plain, I can still reach into the heart of my customers by making them happy. I feel a bit guilty for manipulating them to spend money through a love that isn't real, but anue-e said that real love is free while the idea of it has a price. It's up to us to decide on which one we truly want. Unfortunately for us superficial creatures, we pick the idea over the real version of love because the other is much safer and beautiful to grasp in our hands."
Then Shinpachi realized that he let himself babble, "Excuse me, Hijikata-san. I got ahead of myself again. You must have gotten bored since you don't believe in love in the first place."
"Not at all. I'm used to it," The teen focused his sight on the thorny, and saw a relaxed smile on those lips. "since this is the usual Shinpachi."
Shinpachi felt his whole face heat up. He began spluttering, "I-I see! Well, the pay is really good! Me and Gin-san are actually making decent money, but the club is finally getting enough hosts to fill the place, so we'll be out by next week! Thank goodness! Because I couldn't take all that drinking! I can't remember how many times I've puked until now! I don't know how anue-e does it! It's also a relief because I won't get any more dirty looks! Gin-san told me that I shouldn't mind, but if any of them looked rich, then I should consider letting my real self go for just one night! Isn't that fu-"
"WHAT DID THAT FUCKING RETARD TELL YOU?!" The officer got up with hellfire wrapped around him like a blazing aura. His true demon form slowly revealed itself.
"AAAAAH! WAIT! HIJIKATA-SAN! IT WAS A JOKE! A JOKE! You know how Gin-san is!" Shinpachi tried to stop the murderous government officer from leaving on his conquest of righteous justice for the youth. He wrapped his arms around the man's waist and used his body as a weight.
"THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"
"Dang it, Hijikata-san, even if it was an inappropriate joke, it's not like I'm the type to follow each and every word Gin-san says. You need to wait for my sister and Kondou-san to show up remember!"
That was true. "Tch. I'll let this go just this once, but you better tell that idiot samurai that he better stop with that sort of jokes. You're already at the legal age to be put in a prison that isn't filled with punk kids who didn't know better to begin with."
"I get it already. Sit back down, please." Shinpachi let go of him to sit at his original place. Hijikata did the same. "Besides, even if I am desperate for money, I would still never consider selling my own body. Have more faith in me, Hijikata-san."
"Sorry. I never liked that guy. I'm somewhat surprised that you didn't end up like him. A guy like that can inspire others like Kagura to be a lazy and reckless idiot but somehow makes everything alright in the end if they're lucky."
"Somebody has to take most of the responsibility or else the Yorozuya would be a mess. Every time I take a break for at least a week, I always come back to a dump, that sometimes I believe that they deliberately mess up the place so I can clean it up for them. Even when I gave them a calendar of who would take my turn to do certain chores, I find the calendar ripped in shreds, and by the faint dark marks I find, they were obviously trying to trick the other into thinking it was their turn instead." Shinpachi was smiling, but then he turned his head at the right angle to have his eyeglasses gleam. "I can't help worrying about their diet and living conditions whenever I leave. Gin-san would leave magazines where they're not supposed to be, and Kagura-chan would have an unstable balanced meal. Also, they'd forget to bathe Sadaharu since they're the type to become nose blind to his smell unless it's really bad."
Shinpachi felt a hand on his shoulder. Hijikata empathized, "I understand. Taking care of the shinsengumi can be a pain since some of them think that they can break the rules when I'm not watching, and will not make them commit seppuku once I do."
"Uhm, no, I wouldn't take it to that extreme." Especially since he's the weakest of the trio. Possibly still weaker than Sadaharu. Even if he was stronger, he still wouldn't tell them to commit suicide for their disobedience.
Wanting to change the topic, Shinpachi said, "You're turning thirty next month, Hijikata-san. Kondou-san told me that you should finally consider settling down since your twenties is a time for self-indulgence while your thirties is a time to settle down since you practically already have everything else settled."
"I don't want to hear that from a guy in his thirties and still chasing your sister while avoiding marriage like the plague."
"Maybe you should consider it, Hijikata-san. Please don't mind my frankness, but have you considered having children?"
"My life doesn't have room for a wife and kids. I am dedicated to my work, that owning a family would become a hindrance." The single man replied with cruel certainty. Shinpachi found that sad to hear, but not everyone was fit to have a family. He couldn't imagine Gin-san and many other men he knew to have families. "What about you?"
"Eh? Oh, uhm..." Shinpachi considered his sexuality first. If he were to fall for a man, then obviously they wouldn't be able to make children of their own together, so he replied, "It's too early for me to consider of whether I want to have kids, but if the person I love wants to have kids, and if...we aren't able to make them ourselves, I'm open for adoption. There aren't that many adoption agencies these days since less women are getting pregnant by accident, so we'll see. I just hope that I can be a good father."
"What are you saying? Of course you would be. If you are able to keep those two in line, then taking care of kids should be a cinch for you. I doubt that they can be as reckless and a danger to the environment as those two." Hijikata said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
The megane felt his chest warm up, his pride boost up, and his cheeks turning pink. He looked down with a thankful smile. "Thank you Hijikata-san. I should say the same for you. If you are able to keep the shinsengumi in track, then disciplining kids should be easy, too."
"The shinsengumi is filled with warriors. Kids are just brats playing in the mud, not bothering to think about the consequences. If I were to be a father, my kids'll hate me for sure."
"That's what your wife is for." The teen pointed out. "Raising kids is a team effort. I bet if you have a wife who loves children and loves you, then she can act as a mediator between the both of you. Plus, your work is very important. Kids won't understand at first, but I'm sure that in time, they'll learn to appreciate the effort you put in to making Edo a safe place. You'd be a hero in their eyes."
"Hero?" Hijikata felt like that word was out of place for a thorny like him, but he understood what Shinpachi meant. For his own son or daughter to look up to him as a source of inspiration, strength and safety...He began to feel his own chest warm up at the idea, but he stifled it because he wasn't planning on having them for some petty but nice prediction.
He shoved their conversation, and tried to think of another topic that they could talk about. He gulped down his tea. The megane poured him some more.
As the younger samurai did, Hijikata stared at him. The teen had been taking good care of his hair, that it was a silky black with tips touching his shoulders. His face was losing its baby fat, so it was forming a handsome angular face. His eyes and lips were nothing special, but when they work together, they created this delicate balance of beauty like a flower with petals that could easily be taken from the storm, but its root stubbornly stayed in place.
"Damn pretty boy." The older samurai muttered.
"Huh?" Shinpachi didn't catch on to what Hijikata just said, and the smoker didn't look like he was going to tell him.
"Your sister is really taking her time. Over ten minutes had passed."
"I wonder what's taking her, too. She doesn't spend over an hour shopping. She's usually back before then. I just hope she didn't buy any eggs." The teen lightly joked, though the horror behind that joke made it seem like he just said a sadistic one.
"I'm home!" They heard Otae shout out. Shinpachi shout back that he was in the living room. The twenty-year-old female made her way there, and was surprised to see Hijikata there. "Oh! Hijikata-kun, what are you doing here?"
"I came here looking for Kondou. Have you seen him?"
"Kondou?" The woman wondered for a bit, and then remembered. "Ah! I saw him not too long ago. I mistook him for a rabid gorilla, and accidentally threw him over a bridge with bricks tied to his arms, legs, and mouth. He was gone before I realized what I've done." She replied sweetly, but there was obviously something wrong with her choice of words.
"Even if you say that, you would have done it. And how does one accidentally get thrown over the bridge like that?" Shinpachi deadpanned.
Hijikata was not surprised, but he was still horrified by what lengths the woman would go through to make things go her way. It was best that he escaped before he did anything wrong in front of the elder Shimura. He coolly got up, "Then I should be going then. Thank you for the tea."
Otae inquired, "Eh? Won't you stay for lunch? There's this new recipe that I wanted to make."
"Ah no-"
"Won't you stay, Hijikata-kun?" The woman smiled so sweetly that it was practically blinding, but the officer knew that that was because it had a bigger shadow behind it.
As much as he wanted to run, he knew that that was a fruitless effort to take. He reluctantly agreed to stay. He sat back down, but he was stiff on his knees with anime lines and atmosphere of despair dressed over him.
"That's great! Shin-chan do you mind entertaining our guest a bit longer longer until I'm done?"
"Sure. Please take as much time as you need." Shinpachi tried to not sound like he was pleading for his sister to take forever in that kitchen that was somehow a portal to the underworld that tortured eggs. When his sister was out of hearing range, he quietly told Hijikata, "I'm sorry. It's best that you sneak out now before she comes back. I'll cover for you."
The officer felt guilty for leaving, but he had faith that Shinpachi would survive, so he quickly apologized and made a run for it by leaping onto one of the backyard tree branches and then leaping through the wall.
"Oh! Toushi! What are doing here? What were you doing in Otae-chan's home?" The officer looked to his right to see his commander completely drenched in water with torn clothes due to the rocks in the river, and covered in bruises that showed signs of being tied up and beaten to a pulp.
Used to such a sight, he merely said, "Ah, commander, we have important business to attend to in a few minutes."
"Ah?! Really?! Oh right! I forgot! Well, we better get going!" The man made his way through. Hijikata saw that the back of his pants was ripped, which exposed his ass that had a fish wiggling inside it.
Shadows cast over Hijikata's eyes. He decided that it was best to call one of his men to pick them up.
._._._.
"Eh? A missiles cult?" Kondou said in bewilderment. He was finely dressed with gauze compresses. The shinsengumi also got the fish out, and bought medical supplies for the hemorrhoids.
Right now, him, Hijikata and Okita were present at a hotel and knelled in front of Director Matsudaira. The sunglasses wearing mad man replied, "There's been news that this cult had attacked several planets before our own and plan on coming here next. This cult is known to shoot willy nilly like a pre-school boy discovering puberty with missiles containing strange chemicals that can turn us into anything they want like a play-doh fun factory. We don't want to tip off these bastards, so I need you shinsengumi to track them down and prevent them from launching those missiles."
Kondou replied, "Understood. Leave it to us, old man."
That made the gray-haired lunatic smile with that cigarette hanging from his mouth. "Ha. I'm counting on you." he made his way out.
When he was gone, Sougo commented, "A missile cult that admires missiles that doesn't kill people, but turns their targets into whatever they desire. This is your chance Hijikata-san to finally become pure and clean instead of rotten from the core."
"I don't want to hear that from someone who's rotten from underneath their core." The man berated, and then faced their commander, "Kondou-san, we should get Yamazaki and his team searching on this before we make our move."
The gorilla nodded, "Agreed. It is our duty as the shinsengumi to reassure Edo's peace, so we should apprehend this cult and take custody of these missiles, because if we don't, one of those missiles could make Otae-chan fall for me, and we can finally have the family that we've been dreaming of for years!"
"No. There's no such missile like that that exist." his faithful officers replied simultaneously.
"EEEH?! Why did you say that? Do you really think that there's no missile that can win me Otae-chan's heart! Then how about a missile that can make me extremely handsome that Otae-chan just has to get with me?!"
"No." Hijikata replied.
"Then what about one that-"
"No." Sougo replied.
"But I didn't even say anything!"
"It's a lost cause." Hijikata said.
"It's best to give up now. Not even a miracle can help you." Sougo advised.
"Don't say that! I'll definitely win Otae-chan! I will!"
"Not a chance." They said simultaneously again.
Kondou huddled himself at a corner crying with a gloomy atmosphere around him.
Hijikata and Sougo made their way out without him, and made their way to the station to sleep.
The next day, the vice chief told Yamazaki of his new duties where he had to figure out anything that he could about this missile cult that could be hiding in Edo.
The diligent spy went on gathering information at the streets, bars, and other shady places that would have that kind of information. In about two days, he found some interesting info.
He reported to Hijikata, "It looks like the missile cult isn't so random after all. There's word on the street that they decide on their target and the type of missile being used by the highest bidder at an underground auction. This sort of auctioning started a month ago, but it will go on for three months since there's quite a diverse supply. Also apparently anyone can attend, but there's one exception, you have to bring a date."
"A date?"
"The cult has this strong belief that single people are losers and should go die. Aah, since I'm single, it looks like I'm going to have to find a date, so I could enter and check if the missiles are in that location or a possible clue of where it could be. I came here to ask for your permission if I could bring someone into this mission despite how dangerous it is."
Hijikata thought about it. Yamazaki was shinsengumi's best spy, and this was a delicate mission. They cannot be caught or else the enemy may launch the missiles prematurely. "Fine, but make sure that the one you choose is someone you can trust and can protect themselves if anything goes wrong. The shinsengumi can't afford causalities of innocents dragged into our line of work."
The older officer nodded. "I already have the best candidate to come with me."
Scene change to Otose's snack bar. At least outside of the bar behind a pole.
"You can do this Yamazaki. You just need to go in there and ask her to help you on your mission. It's not like it's a real date. A real first date would be going out to get coffee. Not going to an underground illegal auction to gather evidence for the sake of peace in Edo. That's right! It's definitely not a date! Not a date at all! So let's go...ah? Somehow my legs won't move." Yamazaki inwardly sighed at his own cowardice, and then nearly jumped out of his skin when he was caught.
"Yamazaki-san?" Shinpachi was surprised to see the spy. They usually met anywhere else on the street except for in front of the bar. "Did you come here to see Gin-san?"
"Ah! Shinpachi! Ah no! No! I actually came here to see Tama-san about something. Is she working today?"
"Tama-san? I'm sorry, Yamazaki-san, but Tama-san got a virus."
"AH! A virus! Is she okay?!"
The teen nodded. "It's not that serious. She has a reliable friend inside her to cure her, but she will need a few days, possibly even a week, to recuperate. Would you like me to relay the message for you?"
"Ah, no. That's okay." Yamazaki inwardly screamed at how inconvenient that was! He didn't plan ahead for this type of thing, and he needed a date soon! He was going on the mission tomorrow night, and he can't bail or else his vice captain would kill him! He tried to think of every other Gintama girl he knew, but he wasn't close to a majority of them, and the ones he was close with were...not exactly easy to work with.
Shinpachi could read the distress on his face. He knew Yamazaki pretty well so he could tell that he was in deep trouble because Tama-san was unavailable, and he didn't have any alternatives. Not one to leave the poor officer into the hands of Hijikata, he asked, "Is something wrong, Yamazaki? Would you like me to help you with anything?"
That question bought Yamazaki out of his internal doom. The spy then noticed two colorful paper bags that the male was holding. "Did you buy clothes, Shinpachi?"
"Oh no, these are my uniforms for my job at Yoshiwara, and the other one is for Saigou-san's bar. He was short handed so Gin-san and I were called in to help tonight."
"You sound like you will be busy like usual."
"Nah. I was given three days off from my job in Yoshiwara, but I will still be leaving by next week. I'm free for the next two nights tomorrow."
"I see. I see." Then it hit the spy. He's seen Shinpachi crossdress, and he didn't look bad since the younger teen was a plain, pretty boy. "Ah, Shinpachi, you could help me!"
"Eh?"
Yamazaki pulled the teen into an alley to explain the details. Shinpachi was surprised, and he agreed to help. Yamazaki told him that he would pay for his services. Shinpachi knew better than to deny so thanked him.
"Here." The officer gave Shinpachi a bag. "It's a dress I rented for Tama-san, but you two are not that different in stature and build, so it should fit okay."
"That's really thoughtful, Yamazaki-san. Jaa, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at four so we can go over further details."
"Great. See you then."
The two parted ways. Shinpachi made his way up into the Yorozuya household. "I'm back!" He called as he made his way into the living room.
MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH!
CHUMP! CHUMP! CHUMP!
SNORE! SNORE! SNORE!
Shinpachi felt his vein about to pop at the sight of Kagura who grew over two-hundred pounds, and Sadaharu who grew about four hundred pounds, and Gin-san who was still sleeping off his supposed hangover even though it was already the afternoon. "OOOOI! Kagura! Sadaharu! I told you two to hold back on eating! You're on a diet remember! And Gin-san! I told you last night to eat something before you slept so you wouldn't have a hang over again!"
"Shut up!"
"Aff!"
Gin-san got up looking worse for wear. He justified himself by pointing the finger. "It's not my fault that the author spoiled us!"
"Yeah, aru! It's not my fault that she filled our fridge with all the sukonbu and all our favorite food that we wanted!"
"Just because she filled our fridge, doesn't mean that you guys have to empty it every time! The two of you are bound to fall through the floor, and Gin-san is bound to die of alcohol poisoning added with his diabetes!"
"Shut up!" Gin-san scolded again! "It's your fault for being the protagonist! We weren't even in the second Gintama fic she wrote! I'm supposed to be the protagonist! Gin was written at the start of title for a reason! GINtoki! Seriously, I wonder where she even get the idea of putting the megane as the protagonist."
"Don't pin this on me! Anyway, you two better get a hold of yourselves because I'm going to" everyone began to steer away from listening, and selectively picked his words, "blah blah blah blah date blah blah blah Yamazaki blah blah blah tomorrow blah blah at the park blah blah blah at four blah blah blah!" Then their listening tuned up again, "If you three need me, I will be taking care of the laundry or preparing dinner before getting ready to work at Saigo-san's bar! Gin-san, you're going, too, remember, so get dressed!" He went into one of the rooms.
Forgetting that last bit, Kagura and Gin-san looked at each other as they thought the same thing, "Shinpachi is gay? Oh wait, he likes Otsuu. He's bi?"
"Gin-chan, what are we going to do! I don't know how to raise a gay son! We all learn the birds and the bees, but is it the same when both the birds and the bees are men! Can men have babies together?!"
"No they can't! And calm down! We must've heard wrong."
Shinpachi reentered and shouted as he placed a bag on the floor, "I'm placing this bag over here! The both of you better not touch it! It's the dress that I'm wearing for my date with Yamazaki tomorrow!" He closed the door again.
Shadows cast over Gintoki's and Kagura's eyes. They whispered to each other with Sadaharu mixed into it.
"We can't let Shinpachi date that piece of trash! If they do, they'll become the mediocre duo, aru!"
"Aff!"
"Don't worry! We can stop this! We just have to make sure that Shinpachi doesn't go on that date and make that tax robber think that he stood him up! There's no way we're going to hand our son over to one of the shinsengumi! Usually I'm okay with Shinpachi going on a date, but right now I feel like a father trying to prevent his daughter from dating some sleazy guy on a motorbike! And no matter how many times the father tries to stop her, and even when its obviously a bad idea, she still goes out of her way to make us all miserable! I mean have you see the mohawk that he's hiding under that wig! Shinpachi should've known better than to date a guy like that!"
"We should get Anego on our side!"
"Good! Good! You and Sadaharu go get her! Also get others on our side to stop this date from happening no matter what! Do you hear me?!"
"Aye yea, commander! C'mon Sadaharu!" The two fatsos struggled to get out of the door which results in both doors being destroyed in the process, and citizens squashed beneath them as they rolled their way there.
Gintoki ignored the screams of agony and despair to prepare a plan for action tomorrow.
._._._.
"Eh? Shinpachi will be your date?" Hijikata was surprised. He thought that the spy would've asked that robot maid instead.
"Yeah. I was going to ask Tama-san, but she caught a virus. She will be okay, but she couldn't be available, so I asked Shinpachi instead. He doesn't look half bad in drag, right?" Yamazaki replied casually. The two of them were at the shinsengumi headquarters, and the moon was high in the sky.
Hijikata didn't bother to answer that. Instead he said, "Will the rest of the Yorozuya join you?"
"Of course not. If they were included, the mission would go haywire, and we can't have that. Shinpachi and I will be meeting at the park tomorrow at four to talk over the details, and then we'll make our way to the underground auction. I hope he won't be tired. Tonight he's working at the Drag Queen Clubhouse for Mademoiselle Saigou."
That was useful to know. "Good job. I expect a report by the day after tomorrow at the earliest."
Yamazaki bowed, and then left.
Hijikata stayed where he sat with a contemplating look on his face. It's been awhile since he's seen Shinpachi. He sucked in his mayo tobacco, and then found himself in front of the clubhouse. He knew that he was being ridiculous, but he felt compelled to see the megane. It was best to make sure that the young man was up for the mission. Or so the proud man told himself.
But then telling himself that made him feel more ridiculous. Of course, Shinpachi would be ready for tomorrow. There was no reason to go inside. A part of him wanted to enter, but then he chose to keep on walking.
Just then Gintoki and Shinpachi exited since it was the end of their shift. "It's really late tonight. There's barely anyone except for drunks walking around during this time." The younger samurai pointed out.
Gintoki yawned loudly while scratching the back of his head. "What did you expect? It's the weekday. Everyone must be sleeping soundly in their bed with one of their lonely hands holding onto their manhood and the other holding onto a magazine or a remote." He picked his nose as he lazily looked around. He stopped when he thought he spotted someone who looked eerily familiar, but it would be strange to see them walking during this time of night in a yukata.
"Can you please refrain from being yourself for one night, Gin-san." Shinpachi half-heartily muttered. "Well then, good night, Gin-san. See you tomorrow."
"Ah? Sure. See ya."
The two of them parted on different ways.
Shinpachi didn't mind walking home as Pachi. He had his sword with him, and he was confident in his skills to protect himself.
But on his way, he saw a person of the law, instead of a bandit, wagging his foot. "Shit! WHY IS THERE DOG CRAP HERE! I'm gonna hunt down the owner for not picking up after their stupid mutt!"
"Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi ran over to the man who looked frantic to hide himself, but then stood up straight, trying to look all composed despite having dog crap under his sandal. "What are you doing out here in your yukata? Were you taking a late walk?"
"Uh, ye-yeah. I couldn't sleep, so I figured a walk would help. Did you finish your shift at Mademoiselle Saigou's club? Yamazaki told me that you would be working there tonight. It's a little too late to end your shift, isn't it?" Hijikata casually asked with a hint of concern behind his tone.
Shinpachi thoughtfully replied, "I was, but it's okay. I'll be awake and refreshed to go on my undercover date with Yamazaki tomorrow."
"Make sure of that. Did you tell the others?"
"I did, but you don't have to worry. Kagura-chan and Gin-san won't interrupt us. In fact, they seem to support me to go. Anue-e, too." There was something off about them, but that was nothing new.
That didn't sound promising to the officer though. "You better make sure of that because if this mission goes south, I'll have to lock up you yorozuya for obstruction of justice."
"Eh?! Hijikata-san, that's harsh. I'm going out of my way to help, and you're already threatening me and treating me like a common criminal! And here I thought that you had more faith in me." Shinpachi wasn't all that upset, but he liked listening to Hijikata's responses to his words.
The man quickly and stubbornly clarified, "It's not you that I don't have faith in. It's that silver haired perm and china girl that I don't believe in at all. If they get involved, this whole mission can become unnecessarily messy and the shinsengumi is the one responsible for cleaning it up."
"That's true, but you have to admit that we make things more exciting, and everything ends for the best." The teen slyly smiled, which pissed off the officer.
"Don't get cheeky with me, brat."
"Ah, it's a beautiful full moon tonight."
"Oi! Don't ignore me!"
"Well then, Hijikata-san, I better get home."
"Ah...Want me to walk you home? You're more than capable to protect yourself, but by the way you're dressed, it will attract unnecessary attention."
That was true. "Are you sure, Hijikata-san? My home and the shinsengumi's headquarters are pretty far from each other."
"It's okay. I came out to take a walk anyway. Let's go." The man began walking towards the megane's home.
Shinpachi smiled at his kindness, but he quickly said, "Thank you, Hijikata-san, but it will be a little difficult walking next to you since you stepped on dog poop."
The officer froze when he remembered it, and felt embarrassed, but did his best to remain composed. The two of them found an outdoor faucet in an alley to wash the crap off.
"Shit. It still stinks." Hijikata grumbled as he tried to scrape the remaining shit off his sandal against a wall.
"At least most of the poop is off." Shinpachi pointed out. Then noticed a bandage wrapped around Hijikata's leg. "Did you get hurt during one of your missions?"
"Huh?" The officer looked down and saw the bandage. He explained, "It's nothing to worry about. One of the joui bastards got lucky, but he didn't make it that deep of a wound, so it'll heal in day."
"That's good to know. I..." Shinpachi turned his head toward the street as he spoke, but froze when he saw two men kissing passionately in the middle of it. He turned away blushing madly.
Hijikata was confused, and looked at the street to see the two men. "What do those two think they're doing? Don't they know that doing that sort of thing in the middle of the night in a place like Edo only attracts unneeded attention by low-brained scum. OI! YOU TWO! GO HOME OR I'LL MAKE YOU BOTH COMMIT SEPPUKU!" The two men immediately ran away.
Shinpachi was shocked by the mayo-addict's forwardness to interrupt such a bold and passionate scene. He felt his cheeks heat up more that his mind felt thick with air. He shyly inquired with eyes still diverting from the street. "Is it really that bad for two boyfriends to walk out in the middle of the night than a straight couple?"
"It's dangerous for a couple to be walking in the middle of the night either way, unless one of them is prepared to lay down their life for the other in case they were ambushed." Hijikata replied.
"I-I see." Shinpachi had seen men kiss before, but no matter how many times he had, he felt his heart spike up at the sight of it. He wondered what this meant for him. He didn't want to think that straight men would be disgusted by the sight, but at the same time, he didn't think that it would excite them either. He really wished he had the answer.
The shinsengumi vice chief noticed his reddened cheeks and troubled expression by the faint glow of the street lamp. "Is something wrong, Shinpachi?"
The megane felt goosebumps all over his body at the question. "What?! No! No! Everything is fine!"
Telling an obvious lie, Hijikata connected the scene from earlier to Shinpachi's expression. "Don't tell me..."
"AAH! NO! I-IT'S NOT-"
"SHUT UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" One of the resident's shouted from their window.
"I'M SORRY!" Shinpachi earnestly apologized with a bow.
When the resident disappeared, Hijikata said, "There's nothing wrong with having those sorts of interests. You're still a samurai who has ways to go before discovering every part of himself. There's nothing to feel ashamed about."
Shinpachi understood that Hijikata was trying to be nice, but he got it somewhat wrong. Not wanting to make things confusing, he found his bearings to confess, "Like I tried to say, it's not like that. I'm not sure if I-" He tried to make eye contact, but became shy. "am like that. I always thought that I was interested only in girls, but that's only because I never bothered to explore my sexuality. Not that I have been exploring! Not like that! I-I'm just starting with trying to figure out why I react the way I do when I have these thoughts. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but anyone would be embarrassed when they don't have an answer for a question that people would ask. If I make a mistake, there can be trouble that could've been avoided. Like my undercover date with Yamazaki-san tomorrow."
"Yamazaki?" The officer's interest was peaked.
Shinpachi reluctantly nodded. "Mm. I'm not in love with Yamazaki-san, but if I were to be bisexual and had to choose a man to date out of everyone I know, I guess I would've picked Yamazaki-san if he was interested. We understand each other, and to be honest, I may even be a little interested in him." Hijikata knew he shouldn't mind Shinpachi's choice, but his hand formed a fist on its own and clenched hard. "Yamazaki-san can be a little bold with what he does, but it's one of the great things about him that could make me fall for him."
Hijikata didn't think before he spoke, "It's best not to get your hopes up. Yamazaki is a ladies man and you shouldn't fall for someone just to quench your curiosity. Just like a bee that makes honey naturally and a bee that makes honey artificially, which one do you think would make the sweetest batch? You won't get what's best for you if you go out of your way only to prove something right without gaining anything real in the end."
Shinpachi felt those wise words fall on his chest heavily. The older man was right. He was acting reckless with himself, and being unfair with Yamazaki. If he did try to gain something with the officer for his own sake, then he would've been selfish.
Though it was true, the straight (as in comedy) man was compelled to say, "That's cheap coming from someone who claims that love is an illusion. What do you know?"
"OI! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL WHELP!"
The megane softly snorted. "I'm kidding! Mah. Mah. We should be going now. The smell from your sandal doesn't bother me anymore."
"Tch. Just because it's in the shinsengumi rule book to be gentle with you, doesn't mean I won't teach you a lesson to respect your elders." The older, pissed off samurai muttered.
"Yes. Yes. I'm sorry." The two walked together to the young samurai's home. It was a fifteen minute walk, so they still had time to talk. Shinpachi decided to plead, "Can you please not tell anyone about this? Anue-e, Gin-san and Kagura-chan doesn't know about this since I'm not sure if I am becoming bisexual or not."
The honest man replied, "It's none of my business to tell, so your secret's safe with me. Does anyone else know?"
"Only Saigo-san and his hostesses. They're the ones who helped me understand that I was being bi-curious. In my case, they're the only ones that I can turn to for help, but telling you all this has helped me feel better about the situation. Maybe I'm better off not bothering to figure this out since I don't fall for people, men most of all, easily."
"Then why not find a male idol to fall for like that Otsuu girl you fond over." Even after the idol battle or having her for a commander, he still couldn't see the appeal of her.
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! It's against regulation number 14 of the terakudo Tsuu's imperial creed to fall for any other idol other than Otsuu-chan!"
Hijikata felt an animated sweat drop on his head. He almost forgot about this young man's strong obsession with the singer. "I was only giving you a suggestion. Does one of your regulations prevent you from dating anyone at all? If I remember right during my time as Tosshi, one of them states that."
The fan club's captain firmly answered, "We are allowed to date anyone we want to, but our hearts only belongs to Otsuu-chan! It's forbidden for a member to plan a date with his significant other if its on the day of one of Otsuu-chan's concerts unless the date takes place there." He added, "Otsuu-chan has been becoming more popular, so the Terakado Tsuu's imperial guards have been increasing. It's starting to become a bit hectic keeping them in line, but if it's for Otsuu-chan's popularity's sake, then it's worth the trouble. Do you still have Tosshi's honorary fan club ID card?"
"Of course I do. What do you take me for?"
"I just wanted to make sure. Though I only knew him for a little while, I miss him."
"...He's in a better place now. A guy like him was able to find peace. That's all anyone could ever wish for on the last seconds of their life."
Shinpachi was consoled by those words. He didn't know what else to say, so he asked of how the samurai's day was. Both of their days were rather dull since Hijikata had to do paper work all day. Being a hostess was all Shinpachi had to do other than taking care of the Yorozuya.
Eventually, the two finally arrived at the younger samurai's home. "Thank you for walking me, Hijikata-san."
"It was nothing." Hijikata said, and then was surprised to get a kiss on the cheek.
"Sorry, but it wouldn't be polite if I left you without a proper thank you from a lady." Shinpachi gave a wink, and then entered his home. When he did, his whole face went as red as a scarlet tomato. HE DIDN'T MEAN TO KISS THE OFFICER ON THE CHEEK! He wasn't thinking! And what kind of explanation was that! How was he going to face the officer after this! He wanted to bury himself alive and die!
Outside, Hijikata was still stunned by the kiss. Later, he found himself smiling to himself. He didn't know why he was smiling or why he found the event funny. He just did.
He lit himself a new cigarette and made his way home.
._._._.
A/N: That was the first chapter! I hope you *author sense tingling.*
Gintoki and Kagura: AAAAH!
*I leap out of the way before their feet crushed into my head and spine.*
Gintoki: Oi, you bitch! Why did we only get one scene!
Kagura: And why did you make me fat! I should have the body of a model, aru!
Me: I told you not to eat everything at once! Plus I'm not very good at jokes, so deal with my sense of humor!
Gintoki: What sense of humor? You have as much humor as a movie I could've been able to pinpoint if you actually exposed yourself to pop culture! You hobo!
Me: Shut up! It's my fanfiction, and I very well do what I please! Plus get out of my author's note! Don't you know that authors talking to their characters is uncool and outdated!
Kagura: As if anyone cares what the author has to say! You also skip over other authors' notes!
Me: Gck! Well, it's not like I expect them to read mine in return. I actually hope that they don't because I get really personal and emotional in my notes because of my lack of confidence in writing fanfiction despite doing it for 4 years. Hijikata's character is really complex! He's a mix of a badass with a tsundere, a weirdo and some of Gintoki's character mixed into him! Your characters are easy because all I have to think of is that Kagura's a child trying to be a grown up, and she actually does act like one when it comes to being the mediator and the voice of wisdom for her friends and family, but I have to avoid making her too childish or too wise because she's still a growing girl! For Gintoki, all I have to do is think of a useless old man who likes telling stories, giving words of advice and complains too much like a child who doesn't like to loose! For Shinpachi, just think cute, polite, and normal, but has the tendency to exaggerate and be abused by your whims.
Sougo: What about my character?
Kagura: What are you doing here bastard!
Sougo: it's the author's note and I barely got a say in the last one since you and the other fat chicks were hogging the spotlight.
Kagura: YOU-
Me: For Sougo, I have to think cruel, but childish in the sense of actually being a child like Kagura. He holds an air of aloof coolness to him even when he can act clumsy and goofy, too.
Kagura: Ha! She called you childish and clumsy! What do you think of that you super sadist! Hahahaha!
Sougo: She also called you childish, and also flat-chested and stupid.
Kagura: She didn't say that at all!
*The two start fighting each other in the background. I ignore them.*
Me: I don't want to make Shinpachi a mary sue, but in my next chapter, I want you guys to act like the villains like when parents try to sabotage their child's happiness for the sake of peace.
Gintoki: I see. Will we have bigger roles this time.
Me: Not sure. I make these things as they go. I don't actually plan like Master Hideaki Sorachi, but I hope to at least keep this under ten chapters.
Gintoki: Eh? But your last story was over thirty chapter!
Me: That was because it was Yugioh! Their characters are stereotypical. You guys are too complex for a young, inexperienced, antisocial girl like me to wrap my head around. Besides, this is a romantic fic. The idealistic romance that I'm writing doesn't fit into the world of Gintama, and I like to feel like I am writing with some realism that could've fit into the anime. Even if it wouldn't, I wouldn't mind being tricked into thinking it does. So depending on my uneasiness, I'll consider whether this fic deserves a continuation over ten chapters.
*Faces reader who is actually reading this*
Me with almost every other Gintama character: So see you next time! Please leave a review!