A/N: Thank you so much for all of your patience for me to continue this story. I know it has been a REALLY long time but I did promise I would finish this story and that is what I plan to do. Thank you for reading and keeping up with this story.
There will be a little joy in this chapter but we will also see Rachel at her lowest point. Also there will be one part that is Santana POV but it's not very long.
Thanks so much for all the reviews, favs, and follows. :)
All errors are mine, sorry about that. I do not own any characters that are portrayed. Enjoy!
"How are you doing today," asks Dr. Daniels.
"About the same, I just feel stuck."
Dr. Daniels grabs her pen and starts writing, "Why do you feel stuck?"
I sign out, "I just feel like I'm going through the motions here and waiting for the day to end so I can see my wife again."
"I understand why you would do that but you have to continue to try and pick up the pieces and live your life."
Leaning back in the chair I twirl my wedding ring around my finger and take a deep breath, "I don't feel right doing that in this life."
"Why do you feel that way Rachel?"
"I feel guilty, like I'm moving on from Quinn and forgetting about her. But I see her every night after I fall asleep and I live the life I want with her. Nobody here would understand that and I'm nervous about saying something or acting like I'm forgetting her."
Dr. Daniels looks at me sympathetically, "Guilt is a common emotion in the grieving process, yours is a little more intense because of your reality situation but still normal and understandable. Even with everything you are feeling you can't be afraid to continue to live your life, Quinn wouldn't want that for you."
"I know she wouldn't want that for me. But I just don't know how to continue on in my life without her. It's easy in the other reality because I have her and we are continuing our life like we had always planned to."
"I understand that this life without her is hard and I'm sorry for that. But you need to work on things and move forward in this life because one day that life might not be there for you to fall back on anymore," Dr. Daniels states waiting for my response.
Staring at her is all I can seem to do at this moment after what she just said. It's like a bucket of ice water has just been dumped on me. I have gotten so used to falling asleep and waking up to Quinn that I had forgotten that it is a real possibility that I could lose that one day. That this could be my reality and having her in my dreams is just a way for me to cope with everything.
Tears forming in my eyes I mutter out, "That is not something I'm ready to accept. I will work with you and try to move on because that's what Quinn would want. But I will not under any circumstances be trying to move on in case this is my true reality. I have to believe that she is alive and that this is all a dream right now or I don't see how I can continue on working on this with you."
Dr. Daniels starts to say something but decides to not push me any further on the subject.
"Okay I understand, let's just focus on taking steps to work on things here then."
Relieved I nod my head at Dr. Daniels and wait for her to continue.
"Have you talked to any of your friends lately?"
Taking a deep breath I decide I would much rather talk about this, even though I feel guilty about pushing them out of my life.
"No I haven't," I snip back short.
Dr. Daniels pushes forward, "And why is that?"
"It was to hard to see them all, every memory I have with them is tied to Quinn because we all went to high school together. I don't have any best friends that my memories with her aren't tied to."
"And how does that make you feel?"
I sigh and try not to roll my eyes at how cliché her response just was, "One minute I feel suffocated because I just want to be alone and deal with my own grief and not there's as well. Then I feel guilty because I know they lost Quinn too and I know she wouldn't want me to push them out of my life."
"That must be quite frustrating for you to feel such a pull back and forth between emotions."
Snickering I reply, "That's not the back and forth that is my biggest concern at the moment."
Dr. Daniels smiles at my witty response, "Still you are dealing with a lot of back and forth tugging right now in your life and you are stuck because you are choosing to stay stuck. You are used to always making decisions quickly and sticking by them and now you are doing the opposite. Choosing to be stuck with the same routine in this reality and not making any progress because that would be in some way admitting to yourself that this reality could be the one that it true."
I start to justify myself and say something back quick but I know she is right. Staring out the window what she just said washes over me, I grab my necklace and look up at her willing myself to respond.
"So what do you suggest I do?"
"I think you need to choose one area in your life and take back control of it. Just something small to get your feet wet and see how it feels."
"I'm just so afraid to take that leap."
Dr. Daniels stands up and sits next to me on the couch and takes my hand, "I know it's going to be hard but I believe in you. But I want you to take things slow and not push yourself to hard. This isn't a race you need to sprint, it's a race that needs to be long distance okay. Slow and steady."
I squeeze her hand and nod, "Slow and steady."
As I get back into my car I think about what Dr. Daniels said and what step I should take next. It's too soon to go back to work and I'm not really ready to see my friends at all either.
Picking up my phone I look through my most recent pictures and see a picture of Quinn holding a camera and just like that I know what step I should take next. I have been avoiding it but now seems like the right time.
I text Brooke and ask her to meet me at Quinn's studio and head over there hoping this will be the right step to take.
Walking up the steps to the studio I stop and take a deep breath as I put the key in the door and walk in. The studio looks like a ghost town, I've never seen it so empty. Ever since Quinn died her studio has been left in limbo and it doesn't look like anyone has been here since.
Tears start to pool in my eyes as I walk up to her office door, I didn't think about how hard it would be to go into her office knowing she wouldn't be there to greet me.
I remember Dr. Daniels encouraging words and take my time entering her office. I push through the door and am instantly flooded with memories. Pictures of our friends and us litter the walls. I'm starting to regret this decision as I stand still like I'm glued to the floor.
Quickly I will myself to move and I walk over to her bookshelf and find what I'm looking for and sprint out of there as fast as I can. I close her door and lean against it letting the tears flow down my cheeks when I hear footsteps.
"Rachel, are you okay," Brooke asks looking at me with gloomy eyes.
Wiping away the tears I try to be strong and finish what I came here to do.
"Yes I'm okay, sorry this is just a little overwhelming being here is all."
Brooke walks over and gives me a hug, "I understand, I'm so sorry."
Shaking my head in appreciation I walk over and take a seat at Brooke's desk. I sit there quietly for a second trying to gather my thoughts.
Brooks rings her hands and looks uncomfortable in the silence, "I was pretty surprised to get your text. Why did you ask me here?"
I take a big gulp and will myself to push through, "I asked you here because I know the studio is in limbo with Quinn gone and I have come to a decision regarding it and I want you to be the first to know."
Brooke's shoulders sink and she looks down at her hands, "I assume you decided to sell the studio."
"What? No of course not, it's quite the opposite actually. I decided to keep it open and running."
Brooke looks at me stunned, "That's great but how are we going to stay open? And who is going to be the lead photographer."
"That's exactly why I asked you here Brooke, I want you to run Quinn's studio. I will still own it and will be the financial backing and be here for anything concerning the bills and payroll. But I want you to run the day to day operations and take point on all the meetings and most importantly you will be the lead photographer."
She sits there stunned and doesn't say anything and just stares at me with her mouth hanging open.
"I know this will be a big adjustment for you and for the other employees but I feel that this is the right move for everyone and I believe you are ready for this," I say hoping she accepts.
"Me, lead photographer? I don't know if I'm ready Rachel, I'm not as talented or as put together as Quinn was.
I take her hand and force Brooke to look at me, "Of course you are ready. I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you were. You have been Quinn's right hand and have studied under her since she opened the studio, there is no one more fit for the job."
Brooke looks around the studio in utter fear, "I just don't want to ruin everything she has built."
"Hey you are not going to ruin anything, I know Quinn would want you to take over. I don't want to close this studio and let it disappear like it was never here and I don't want to leave all of her employees without a job. Quinn wouldn't have wanted that and that's why I decided to have you run everything. You are the only person I would trust with her studio."
"Wow Rachel that means so much to hear you say. I'm still a little unsure but I don't want you to close the studio either, I know that wouldn't be the right move. But are you sure about this Rachel?"
"Yes I'm sure and you should be too. And if you are ever unsure of if you are making the right decision or wondering what Quinn would want I have this to help you," I respond as I hand her the journal I got out of Quinn's office.
Brooke takes the journal and opens it, "What is this?"
"It's Quinn's photography journal. In the beginning when she started taking photos and really enjoying it her teacher told her to write everything down she was doing and then look back at the journal while she was editing her pictures. It helped her become very successful because she would tweak and adjust things every time she went back out to take photos. So if you are ever feeling unsure just look in this and you will find your answer."
"Wow this is so thoughtful of you, but are you sure you want to part with this?"
I look at Brooke and look at her confidently, "I know it is in good hands with you, you will treasure them the way that Quinn did. I have more at the house and I will send them to you."
Brooke closes the journal and holds on to it tightly, "I promise I will take good care of it."
I smile at her, "I know you will."
We walk out of the studio and to our cars and I turn to her, "You need to call a staff meeting for next week and we can tell them the new developments."
"Okay I will, this is going to be a big change," Brooke says with more confidence than when I first told her.
"Yes it is but I trust with all my heart that this is what Quinn would want."
Brooke gives me one last hug and thanks me for everything.
As I get back into my car a small feeling of joy rushes over me form what I have just done and the first thing I want to do is tell Quinn about it. I start to feel sad but then I take a drive and decide to do just that.
I place a bouquet of flowers on her grave and tell Quinn all about the studio and everything that happened with Brooke. Looking up into the clouds I swear I can feel her there with me and I feel a little lighter standing there letting the feeling rush over me.
As I get ready to leave I look up and that lighter feeling rushes away in an instant.
"What the hell are you doing here," I shout.
"I just wanted to come and drop off some flowers. I didn't know you would be here. I'm sorry."
"Sorry about me catching you at Quinn's grave or sorry for everything you have ever put us through Finn!"
He looks at me with saddened eyes, "Both I guess."
"You guess? God Finn I'm really not in the mood for this right now," I start to walk away but Finn grabs my arm.
"Rachel please, can we talk?"
Ripping my arm away from him I stare daggers into him, "No Finn we can't. You are the last person I want to see right now and I'm not ready to hear your warped explanation for everything you have done. You have been nothing but awful to Quinn since we got together and I will not listen to anything you have to say."
"I know I was awful to her and to you as well and I am sorry for that, but I want to make up for what I have done," Finn pleads.
"You can never make up for what you have done Finn. You have done nothing but criticize and question my relationship with Quinn from the beginning. Even saying our love isn't real and that she brainwashed me into loving her."
Finn looks at me with disbelief, "I never said that your love wasn't real or that she brainwashed you. Who told you I said that?"
Quickly I become confused and think back to when he said those hateful things to us. I realize in this reality we never had Kurt's dinner party fiasco and I become overwhelmed at what it happening. I decide I don't want to deal with everything that is going on and I rush back to my car with Finn pleading for me to stop but all I hear is white nose as I speed off.
I throw my keys on the counter and grab my bag and rush upstairs ignoring my dads as I pass them. Locking the door I rush to the bed and grab the bottle of vodka I stopped and got and take a big swig trying to get this feeling to go away.
How could I have been so stupid as to confuse these realities and blurt it out in front of the one person I shouldn't have. My mind is racing at the events that have just unfolded, after meeting with Brooke I felt like I had finally taken a small step forward. Now I feel like I have taken ten steps back, this switching back and forth with having Quinn and then not having Quinn is really starting to blur smaller details together.
I change my clothes and lay down in bed continuing to chug my vodka, hoping I will pass out so I can wake again to my beautiful wife and forget what happened with Finn.
I'm almost asleep when I hear the doorbell ring and my dad's go to answer it. I get out of bed and crack my door to hear who it is. All I hear are hushed whispers until I hear Elijah yell, "You need to leave now!"
All I want to do is shut the door and crawl back into bed but my curiosity gets the best of me. Stumbling down the stairs I instantly recognize the voice at the other side of the door and my blood runs cold.
"Please I just want to talk to her," Finn begs.
Elijah states back sternly, "That's not going…
Before I know it I'm rushing past my dads and pushing the door open, "I thought I made myself clear at the cemetery Finn, I don't want to talk to you."
Finn looks down at his feet and mumbles out, "I know but I want to talk about what you said before you ran off. I never said that about you and Quinn."
"Fine are we done here," I go to shut the door but Finn puts his foot in the way.
"Rachel please I need you to believe me, I wouldn't say that."
The alcohol coursing through my veins lights a fire inside me, "Really Finn? Like you haven't said things like that or much worse about Quinn and me. You have some nerve showing up at her grave and thinking you have any right to come to our house and talk to me."
"I'm sorry Rachel for everything, that's why I was there to apologize to Quinn."
Scoffing I feel myself ready to explode, "Well it's a little late for that now Finn. You should have apologized while she was still here and now you have to live with the fact that you could have fixed things with an apology and just a few kind words. But I guess that was asking to much from you."
Finn looks at me hurt but I can see the anger building inside his eyes, "Well I am trying now Rachel, and I'm not the only one who owed someone an apology. Quinn could have apologized to me too."
My skin starts to crawl as I move closer to him pointing my finger in his face, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? What did she ever do to you?"
"She took you from me and she never once apologized for that!"
"She didn't take me from you Finn, you made that decision all on your own. I moved on from you and all Quinn did was treat me and love me the way I deserved to be. You did not deserve an apology from her for you treating me like shit for most of our relationship. Quinn was there for me as a friend after you left and we fell in love in the process and I for one will never apologize for that because what we had was true love and by no means was selfish, fake, or brainwashed!"
Finn balls his fists and mumbles out under his breath, "I told you I never said that, Quinn is probably the one who told you that."
The moment he says it I can tell he wants to take it back but I don't see anything but pure hate for the man I used to call a friend.
"I hate you Finn, I wish we had never dated. You were the biggest mistake I have ever made and it has done nothing but bring unnecessary drama into my life." I yell as I start to push him out of the doorway and onto the porch
"Rachel you don't mean that just stop. I'm sorry okay, I shouldn't have said that about Quinn."
I hear his apology but can't accept it because all I can hear in my head is every hateful thing he has said to Quinn replaying over and over in my head and I feel something inside me snap.
I bang my arms against his chest and scream in his face, "I wish it was you that had died in that accident and not Quinn. I hate you!"
In my head I know that was the most awful thing I had ever said, but in that fraction of a second I didn't care. I wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt Quinn.
Everyone stands there shocked at the venom I spewed out of my mouth to Finn and he just stands there in silence with tears spilling down his face. I feel my dads grab my shoulders and try to pull me back in the house and I shrug them off.
I'm about to turn around to go inside when out of the corner of my eye I see Santana standing just below the porch with a stunned look on her face. I can see the disappointment on her face but I just can't muster up the energy to care. I walk back into the house and slam the door shut and rush back upstairs into our room to drown the rest of the day away. I just want to put this awful dream behind me and wake up to what I have to believe is my true reality with my wife and not this miserable life I'm stuck in.
Santana POV
I rushed over to Quinn and Rachel's house the minute I heard from Brittany what had happened at the cemetery with Finn. Finn had called Kurt and told him what happened and told him he was going to come over and talk to Rachel about it. Of course he didn't listen to Kurt when he begged him not to go, he never could stand up and do the right thing.
Guess I didn't listen either though when they told me not to get involved and let them handle it. I was fine with standing by and letting Berry have her space until it came to Finn bombarding her. There was no way in hell I was going to stand by and let that ogre drag her farther away from us because he was trying to relieve some of his own guilt. Quinn wouldn't have wanted me to just stand by and not stand up for Rachel, I only wish I had gotten their sooner.
When I pulled up I could hear Rachel screaming, I have to admit I was glad at first to see the little diva giving him a piece of her mind. But I never expected in a million years I would hear her spew such hateful things to anyone, even if it was Finn. In that moment I didn't recognize the Rachel that was standing before us and I only hoped this wasn't the Rachel that would be with us from now on.
Walking up to the porch I grabbed Finn's shoulder and led him to his car, I could tell he was clearly shaken by everything that had just taken place. And even though I knew he deserved a lot of things I knew he didn't deserve that.
"She didn't mean it you know, she is just going through something that none of us can understand right now," I say as Finn opens his door to get into his car.
He looks at me with tear filled eyes, "I think she did Santana and you know what, I don't even blame her for it."
I try to find the words to say next but nothing seems to come to mind that could help the situation we are in. With nothing left to say we both get into our cars and drive away. I stop at a red light and look at an old cheerio photo of Brittany, Quinn, and I, "Quinn I really need you right now, I don't know how to help her."
A/N: Super intense at the end I know, I hate seeing Rachel in such a dark depression especially after a small glimmer of light she had. :(
Thank you for reading, the next chapter should be out sometime next week :)