Chapter 7: It takes a lot of reading to get through college.
Shinpachi enjoyed his day off with his sister and Kagura. Gintoki was playing pachinko like usual, but they all ate meals together.
The yorozuya only got one job while Shinpachi was away, and it was handled well! Kagura practically bragged about it! Shinpachi was glad to hear that, but then he was told by his sister that the idiots forgot to get the money they were promised afterwards since they thought that the other person would get it. They didn't realize it until days later.
The megane felt both sorry, somewhat surprised, and happy to be reminded that he was meaningful to the team. He also figured that the two could learn something from that experience. He did miss the menial labor and outrageous jobs they would have, but he reassured them that the shinsegumi was treating him well. He told them that he was surprised by how it wasn't so hectic being there.
While he said that, the shinsengumi was tensed. Everyone, except for Sougo, was avoiding their vice chief or keeping their distance from him while cautiously speaking as if a single wrong word could lead them to death. They spoke really, really quietly about what could be bothering their vice chief. A majority of them taught that it was because of the missiles case, and that someone could be a traitor because their vice chief seemed heavily suspicious of all of them.
Hijikata's eyes were sharp and judging when they laid on anyone, except for Kondou.
This opened a chance for the chief to privately inquire, "Toshi, did something happen yesterday?"
"No. Why do you ask?" Hijikata said while his dark aura polluting the atmosphere, and his eyes slicing the air.
Kondo felt like he should be ducking for cover, despite not being the target for those deadly strikes. He pushed himself to ask, "I-It's because you're...how do I put it...You seem more stressed than before."
"Really? I feel perfectly fine." The man said calmly, but behind him were the words, "I will kill those who bitch."
Kondo decided to not bother questioning anymore since it seemed like his long time friend wasn't going to fess up. So he said, "Alright, but Toshi, if something is bothering you, you know that I'm always willing to listen. Also, please remember that you are the vice chief of the shinsengumi. You are a role model for these men, and I know that you are the type to not grow overly attached to others, or have others become too attached to you, but if your men feel further detached from you, it will make them feel like they lost their place in the shinsengumi."
Hijikata knew that he was being scolded, and he understood that he deserved it. He tried not to be more demonic than usual, but he couldn't help it. Shinpachi was in love with someone in the shinsengumi! He won't allow it. He definitely won't allow it.
After he reassured Kondo that he would fix his attitude, he left to check on Yamazaki. The one he knew he could squeeze information out of.
He went over to the spy's designated location. He opened the door, and to no one's surprise, the floor was littered by anpan bags, and the spy was sitting in front of a slightly opened window like a statue. Without even looking over his shoulder, Yamazaki said with a wilting voice, "Aah, Vice chief, on time like usual. Nothing has happened yet. It's only the usual."
The v-shaped bangs man sucked in the airy taste of his mayo-tobacco and blew its stench into the air. "Yamazaki, you and Shinpachi have been close because of your familiar roles of being the plain guys respectively in our groups, so it should be no surprise that you two trust each other with secrets that the ones in your respective groups wouldn't know about."
"...If you think that Shinpachi has secrets, then it's obvious that he is, but I know no secrets that could have in arrested." Yamazaki said bluntly. After all his years of eating anpan and going through many psychotic break downs, he had discovered how to find peace. He learned to discard all emotions and pride. Now he was sure that he had become a sage under the anpan gods.
Hijikata said, "I'm not asking for any question like that. Right now, I am going to ask you a question that can only be between us. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes vice chief."
"Last night, Shinpachi told me that he was in love with someone in the shinsengumi. Do you know who it is?"
Yamazaki hesitated to answer. He didn't think. It was more like his soul was thinking by itself of what to say while using his brain like a library index. He then replied, "That is something you will have to ask Shinpachi yourself. It is troubling to have an officer fall in love with another officer; we have faced a predicament like that before. However, vice chief, that incident ended for the best. We may have resigned one officer, but both of them still fight in their own way to make Edo a better place together. Shinpachi is only a temporary officer, so no harm, no foul there."
Hijikata was unnerved by his subordinate's wisdom, but he was right. There was nothing to worry about, but the man still felt a stubborn wariness inside him. "Then I'll take my leave then."
"Ah, vice chief..." Yamazaki called out, making the man pause, "I know that you aren't going to ask Shinpachi the question, and even if you do, Shinpachi would most likely avoid answering until he's built up his courage...so the only advice I have for you is get to know yourself better."
That irritated the man. "What's that supposed to mean."
Yamazaki shrugged. "We all change overtime without noticing. Shinpachi is pretty lucky to notice his at such a young again. Haaaah, I'm jealous. Well then, good bye vice chief."
The man wanted to yell at him for acting somewhat all high and mighty with his wisdom, but he knew that it was pointless, so left without another word.
What did HE needed to learn about HIMSELF?
He didn't want to think about it so buried himself in his work.
._._._.
"Did I do something wrong, Tetsu-san?" Shinpachi asked at the cafeteria during lunch. Another week had passed, and Hijikata had spent that week going over the missiles case, but still nothing came up. That was natural since cult cases took more than a few weeks or months to figure out and take down. The megane wasn't surprised that his current boss would be upset, but Hijikata was a little too silent and distant from him. "Hijikata-san seem to be lost in thought which is weird for someone like him."
The assistant replied, "I'm not sure. He's treating me like he usually does, but I definitely noticed him being more distant with you. Can you think of anything that you may have done to upset him?"
"Upset him?" Shinpachi thought back to his interactions with the vice chief, but nothing warrant his treatment. He decided to take a more frontal approach on this matter, but then hesitated on the decision.
Dear Diary #107
I will admit that I should be glad that Hijikata-san is paying less attention to me, but the fact that its only me who he's treating this way makes me feel lonely. I know that I should take this as a good sign for me to give up on these growing feelings, but I hate this neglect. Please don't ignore me, Hijikata-san.
At Hijikata's office, the man was stuck in his thoughts. His paper work was done, and the next set won't arrive until after lunch. He was done eating his meal, so he was left to do what he hated the most: thinking about Shinpachi.
He didn't understand of why he felt so infuriated by the thought of the megane. He had gotten himself over the fact that the teen was in love with someone in the shinsengumi. It was none of his business, but he still felt that misplaced anger. Hijikata knew that he would act out in anger, but he didn't have a good reason to snap at Shinpachi, so he tried to leave their communication to a minimum.
Hijikata had checked on Yamazaki earlier to see that the spy was still in his sage mode, and he had advised the man to start a diary of sorts in order to arrange his thoughts. The older man reasoned that if doing paper work can console his mind during a mission, then keeping a diary can console his mind in private.
That was pretty good advice, so he bought a note book to write in, but he was at a lost of what to write first. He thought about introducing himself, but that was stupid. Yet it was a start, so during the rest of his lunch, the man first introduced himself, a little bit about his past, and his current life as a shinsengumi officer. He bothered to mention about a few cases that he found important in his life, and he tried his best not to mention the Yorozuya, but those idiots played a big part in some of his most memorable missions.
Eventually he gave in to write about them.
"The Yorozuya is A BUNCH OF NO-GOOD BASTARDS WHO DESERVES TO COMMIT SEPPUKU A HUNDRED TIMES OVER! But they're pretty good guys who can be relied on every now and then when something important comes up. Don't get me wrong. I rather drown than be made to hang out with them for a whole day. Nothing good happens around that silver haired bastard." Hijikata shivered at the bathroom memory when he was handcuffed to that idiot. "That Amanto China Girl is not all bad. Sougo has an affinity for her. It's nice to see that he's taken interest in someone who isn't a pet or slave. They have a lot of fun together. It would be nice if they were married, but there's no way I want to tied to that silver haired bastard any closer than we shouldn't be. Shinpachi
Hijikata paused on his writing. He's been able to write fluidly without hesitation, but now, he's completely stomped. What did he think of Shinpachi? What was Shinpachi to him before he told Hijikata that secret that the megane didn't know he let out?
He is a good friend?
That didn't feel right.
He respected him as a fellow samurai.
That sounded better, but they're more than just fellow samurais to each other. What were the right words?
What was Shinpachi to him?
"Hijikata-san?" A familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. The demon vice chief looked to the voice to see Shinpachi standing there in his shinsengumi uniform. Again, his eyes and lips were nothing special, but together they created a portrait of beauty of both delicateness and strength. Just like a flower in a storm where its petals are thorn away but its roots remain at place.
Shinpachi is a samurai. Shinpachi is a cherished friend. Shinpachi is a young man with a future still ahead of him. Shinpachi is...in love with another man.
Hijikata felt that infuriating feeling burning in his chest. He put his book away, and went on with business. Shinpachi felt like he was shunned away, but he reasoned that he was overthinking the situation because of his emotions. He stifled his feelings, and the two went on to work.
Though, work was hard to focus on for the both of them. Hijikata just wanted the megane to leave, but not knowing why he wanted that, he simply remained cold and distant from the teen. Shinpachi wanted to question the man's behavior.
Eventually, he found his courage and his chance as Hijikata handed him folders. The older samurai told him, "File these in the storage room."
"Yes...Uhm, Hijikata-san..."
I paused at that moment. I felt compelled to confess my pain, but that would be reckless of me, and I should be grateful for this distance. Even though I feel so much pain, I have to persevere for my sake. I can't fall in love with Hijikata-san.
"What?" The man inquired, sounding a bit too harsh.
"I didn't know what Shinpachi wanted to ask me, but it looked like my tone may have encouraged him not to. I regretted it. Though a single harsh word shouldn't seem like a big deal, our situation was delicate."
"It's nothing. I'll get these to the storage room." Shinpachi took the folders, and strode out of the room, trying to not look like he was trying to escape.
I ended up being a coward in the end...but I convince myself that I made the right decision. My feelings had to come first. I needed to protect them from a harsher pain that was surely to come if I let the man be friendly with me again. Rule #6 in "10 Ways To Prevent Yourself From Falling in love!" advised me to avoid him and keep my distance. I have to abide by that rule.
Before Shinpachi escaped, Hijikata heard the forced emotionless tone in Shinpachi's voice. He felt a guilt pierce his chest. He called out to the man walking away, "Shinpachi." But the male stepped out the room. "Oi Shinpachi!" The door was closed shut, and the sound of footsteps faded.
"I wanted to ease the situation, but no words could form coherently in my mouth. I knew that the best thing to do was apologize for my behavior, but I also cowardly believed that it was best that I apologized at another time. At that moment, I was scared to see Shinpachi's reaction to my apology. I didn't understand why. Dammit."
Shinpachi did as he was told in the storage room, but he lingered to remain in there since he was alone. He had heard Hijikata calling out to him, but like a child, he ran away from the obvious conversation he wanted to avoid. His chest felt heavy like a bag of oranges or watermelons was crushing his chest. "It shouldn't be this painful." He told himself.
"What shouldn't be so painful?" An unwanted voice inquired.
"AAH! O-Okita-san! I-It's nothing!" Shinpachi planned to escape, but the sadist said with his aloof voice, "It's okay to complain. Hijikata-san is a pain to be around. I could help you get rid of him."
Dark lines was on the poor, terrified teen's face. "Ah no, I-I don't want you to get rid (kill him and bury the evidence) him. I'm only tired." He hoped that his lie passed through. Okita-san's face never showed what he was thinking, so he couldn't tell.
He was deeply surprised when the older samurai offered, "If you're tired of Hijikata-san, then how about you work for me instead."
"Eh?!"
The man explained, "The missiles case is going nowhere, and I figured that someone like you could be useful for once. I will talk to Kondou-san about this, so by next month, you will be mine."
"Could you please not say it like that Okita-san. It's more terrifying when you do." Shinpachi thought.
"So how about it, Shinpachi?"
I was at a lost of words at first. If I agreed to Okita-san's offer, then I may be entering the devil's lair, but it was a wide opening to actually get on the missiles case and avoid Hijikata-san. I don't want to be ignored anymore. No, more like, I don't want to know that I am being ignored. I needed to get away from Hijikata-san, so I agreed.
"A-aah, yes. Thank you very much, Okita-san."
The sadist turned around to smirk. "Then, I'll see you as my lackey by the end of this month."
"Lackey?!" Shinpachi didn't like the sound of that, but even though he was put into the monster's mouth, he felt relieved.
The two exited the room. Sougo pushed the door a little too strong that it smacked someone's face. "Ah, Hijikata-san. I didn't know your face was a door magnet."
"Who's a door magnet?!" The man yelled with a vicious glare, but the glare disappeared when Shinpachi exited the room. Hijikata didn't suspect anything. He knew that Shinpachi would never be into someone like Sougo.
"Well bye." The 1st division captain left the two straight men alone.
Shinpachi felt a guiltiness pressed on his chest. He felt like what he agreed with Sougo was an act of betrayal.
"Shinpachi..."
"Yes, Hijikata-san?"
"I'm sorry for my tone earlier. It's disgraceful of a vice chief to talk to his subordinate like that."
"But you don't seem to be bothered when its Yamazaki, or even Tetsu and the rest of your men most of the time." The temporary officer thought, and then felt his heart warm up. Although Hijikata was cruel to ignore only him, he was also the only person who he was willing to apologize for something so small. He stifled that thought and feeling, but he did show his happiness, "Not at all, Hijikata-san. I was the one who acted like an insubordinate. I'm sorry."
"Don't be modest. You've been performing rather well despite only being here for about three weeks compared to the other newbies."
Shinpachi contained his blush after hearing that compliment. He shyly joked, "It must be because I've been thrown in here so many times, that it must come naturally to me. You're practically complimenting a criminal, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi kept his eyes on the floor. His face was burning because he was afraid that he was making a bad expression.
Hijikata smirked at the timid joke, and said, "If you're a criminal, then the whole Shinsengumi are devils. You're more of a tainted angel in the guise of the devil."
"WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT?!"
Did Hijikata-san really say that to me?
Shinpachi made a fake, hopefully not insulting laugh at that. "Hijikata-san, that's really smooth of you. You should reserve that for when you're seeing a pretty lady." He winked playfully.
WHY DID I DO THAT?! DON'T WINK! DON'T WINK! There should be a rule in the book that you're not supposed to wink at your crush!
Hijikata turned sideways to look cool and composed, but inside he was more like, "Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up."
"A-ah, yeah. How silly of me." he said and now inside he was like, "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"
Both men weren't sure of what to say next without making this awkward!
Shinpachi then said without thinking, "How is Yamazaki-san this time?" That felt like such a safe sentence that both men were relieved and grateful that Yamazaki existed.
Hijikata replied nonchalantly, "He's doing well. He's entered this sage mode now that he's gotten over his psychotic phrase from eating anpan all the time during his stakeouts."
Shinpachi silently sighed in pity. "Yamazaki-san should really watch his health. I bet you've told him many times to the point that it was pointless, but the work of a spy is mysterious in its own way." That felt like a good topic to end a casual conversation. "We should also go back to work."
"Works done for the day. Right now, Tetsu and I are going out on patrol. You can do whatever you like. You can also go visit your sister, but you better be back before dinner."
"Thank you very much, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi gave him an appreciative smile.
The older samurai subconsciously stared at that smile with an unnoticeable intensity in order to burn the image in his mind. He hadn't seen that smile since he got back from attending to the missiles case for a week.
"The sight of his smile surprised me for some reason. I've seen it many times I visited him to find Kondou-san, and I've seen it when he began working here. Why was I surprised? Lately, being closer to Shinpachi without the Yorozuya around had been making me bewildered about my emotions."
Hijikata had stopped ignoring me coldly after that talk we had. I was both relieved and happy at first, but my heart was too excited by this. I both regretted the return of this attention, but I did not miss his cold neglect. I needed to escape.
"I paid more attention to Shinpachi to figure out these bewildering emotions that he somehow builds inside me and throttle the brain cells in my head. I still despise the fact that he is in love with someone in the shinsengumi. Do I feel this strongly because I feel protective of him? He is a man capable of fending and deciding for himself, but he was still young and new to certain experiences. I do not want him to withhold his attraction, so he may not make the same mistake as I did, but at the same time, I don't want him to be sullied by one of my men."
"I hold my men at a high regard on the battlefield, but in the case of idealistic love, I see them as the pigs they are like Kondou-san. No offense, chief. Your approach to Shinpachi's older sister is sound since she is a tough woman to convince. However, Shinpachi is willing to risk his heart for this idealistic love."
"I both admire and sigh in disappointment at his pride in love for his idol and the concept. It's easy to understand why I would be disappointed, but what I admire is his perseverance to treat the person he cares about well. Also as a man who had avoided this concept of love, I am not completely sure if Shinpachi have felt the true devastation of betrayal to his love, but I am sure without a doubt that he could move forward and still hold onto this idealism."
"Back on the matter of whether I can personally allow him to date one of my men is something I will have to discover while I spend my time with him."
But that was to be cut short.
"Eh? Shinpachi will be Sougo's assitant?" Hijikata was stunned.
Kondo nodded. The four men were present for the subject. "You already have Tetsu as your assistant, and I have been convinced by Sougo and Shinpachi-kun that these two should work together."
Shinpachi forced himself to smile. But it almost faltered when Hijikata looked at him with that shocked expression that almost screamed betrayal.
The vice chief asked the sadist, "But you were the one who wanted him to work as my assistant."
"Just to see if he isn't a screw up." Sougo said casually. "Now that I'm convinced, he will be my assistant for the rest of his days here. All three of us agreed, so whatever you say won't matter."
Hijikata looked to Shinpachi, then looked to the others, "Can we speak in private." That wasn't a request, so the two men left, but not without Sougo warning Shinpachi, "If he does anything, just scream fire. Someone might come in and chop his head off for you."
"Don't make me sound like I'm an offender!" Hijikata yelled at him, but was obviously ignored.
At the sound of the sliding door closed, Shinpachi steeled his heart, but his nerves were quivering.
Hijikata started, "Shinpachi, if Sougo is blackmailing you or anything, I'll deal with him."
"No-Not at all." Shinpachi gave him a reassuring smile. "I do enjoy working as your assistant, Hijikata-san, but Okita-san convinced me that he needed assistance as well."
That was hard to believe! "What could he possibly need assistance with?! He doesn't do jackshit unless there's bloodshed involved! Are you really okay, Shinpachi! You can tell me if he's harassing you!"
"Like I said, I'm okay. Okita-san is scary, but he's also a dear, respected friend of mine like Hijikata-san. If I just keep to myself, and stay out of his way, I'm sure that I will be at least alive when I reach the hospital."
"Are you really sure about this, Shinpachi?!" Hijikata questioned more roughly. He knew that Sougo wouldn't outright do anything to cripple Shinpachi, but still, why did Sougo want him for some reason?
"I will admit that I was shocked. I don't know what Sougo is planning, but what truly frightens me is that Shinpachi willingly agreed to work with him."
"..."
"Is Sougo the one who Shinpachi has fallen for."
"..." Hijikata put his book away and put his palm on his forehead. He cared for both of them, but somehow he also felt like tearing them apart. "Why do I feel like this? I'm being childish."
._._._.
"Eh? I have to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with you?" Shinpachi was bewildered by the demands from his new boss.
"Yup. You also have to do my laundry, clean my room, do my reports, do my patrols- Oh, I almost forgot. I have a bitch currently chained somewhere in the city with only dog food and water as her meal. I need you to go whip her or else she will become docile."
"NO! I MEAN I'LL DO YOUR WORK, BUT DON'T GET ME MIXED UP INTO YOUR SADISM!" Shinpachi knew that this sort of request would be given, but that was a too disturbing task to ask of a first day assistant!
The two were currently in Sougo's room, which really did need to be cleaned. Shinpachi only hoped that he didn't find anything strange that Gintoki hadn't already showed him.
"Then I'm going to have to miss our lunch date for today."
"Please don't call it a date." Shinpachi muttered and then sighed. He decided to be forward with the man. "I know I should've asked this before, but why did you want me to be your assistant? It can't just be because you want to help me not be Hijikata-san's assistant any more."
"It's for no special reason other than to make that idiot guy upset."
"Upset?" Shinpachi inquired while the older samurai walked to the door. "What do you mean?"
Sougo paused his steps and said bluntly, "Hijikata-san has taken a liking to you."
"A liking?" A liking as in friend? Or a liking as in like-like? Shinpachi wanted to ask, but it was an uncomfortable question for him to even mutter.
He hoped that the sadist would answer, but instead, he replied, "Ah but that doesn't matter anymore. Hijikata-san will still be an idiot in the end. I'm going. Bye. Bye."
This left the teen in his unsurprising state of confusion. "...Like?" The teen felt like he knew the answer, but he didn't want to assume anything, so he ignored it.
Instead, he did the lazy officer's work. Sougo was nice enough to leave him a schedule, which he did diligently. He wondered of who did the man's work at first since he couldn't imagine Okita-san doing it. Kondo, who would check up on him from time and again, told him that it used to be one of the officers named Kamiyama, but due to an incident, the man had to be hospitalized for awhile. That made more sense of why Sougo wanted him to do his work.
After a week or two of getting used to the schedule, Shinpachi finally noticed his lack of contact with Hijikata.
For a moment I thought that Okita-san had made the schedule so I could avoid Hijikata-san, but I don't understand why. What could Okita-san gain from keeping me away from Hijikata-san? Even if I do think of the worse, I'm most likely wrong. I was thinking of asking Gin-san or Kagura-chan on my next day off, but they are already upset about the fact that I already work for the shinsengumi, and they still think that I am Hijikata-san's assistant. It's bad enough that they worry that I'll stink of mayonnaise, and I have to take an extra shower to reassure them that I don't. I know that they're just getting on my nerves, but if they knew that I switched into becoming Okita-san's assistant, I don't want to think of what hell that will turn into.
I wonder how Hijikata-san is doing. I only see him at the morning during our usual group meetings. He would always check up on me after those meetings to make sure that I haven't become a victim of Okita-san's sadism. Although the contact is brief, I cannot restrain myself from looking forward to them.
Shinpachi sighed tiredly.
A month and a half had already passed since I've been made to work here, so I only have four and a half months to go. Strangely, it only feels like I've been here for three weeks or less. Maybe its because I've become accustomed to the work they give me now. I practically know the name of every shinsengumi officer so far, and I already know about their own quirks like Saitou-san's shyness, so in a strange way, the shinsengumi now feels like a third home...
Shinpachi paused when something donned on his mind.
I will never accept Kondou-san as a family member, but I supposed that I can see him as a weird uncle at best. For Okita-san, having meals and going on patrols together sometimes have been surprisingly pleasant. I cringe at his antics, but after two years of dealing with this type of bullshit, I can look over that to see a childish but decent samurai similar to Kagura-chan and Gin-san.
For Hijikata-san
A painful, awkward clench made itself noticed in his chest. He wanted to see Hijikata as family, but it felt both inaccurate and accurate. He wanted to call him a brother figure like Gin-san, but even the mere thought of him made his heart flutter in a way that it shouldn't for an older brother.
He couldn't finish that sentence, so he put his book away, and laid down to sleep, but then there was a knock at his door. "Shinpachi, it's me."
"HIJI-HIJIKATA-SAN?!" Shinpachi didn't know of what to make of this sudden visit! "Wha-what could he be needing here right now in the middle of the night! I want to tell him to go away, but I also want to see him so much! Just seeing him in the morning and catching glances of him at the afternoon just isn't enough! No! Shut up Shinpachi! You have to think about the bad things about him! It's rule #5! Think about Hijikata eating mayonnaise! Think about him eating mayonnaise! That always grossed you out!...But in all honesty, I'm not really that bothered since its a normal sight to see now. WAIT! You're missing the point! UHM! UHM!"
He hadn't uttered a word for five minutes during his internal panic, so he heard the man say, "You must be asleep after a tiring day of being Sougo's assistant..." Hijikata's voice seem to falter as if he was saddened by that fact.
Shinpachi forgot his problem, and he opened the door immediately. "I-I'm awake. Is there something wrong, Hijikata-san? Are you unable to sleep? You've been working on the missile cult case last week, you must be frustrated more than usual. I can prepare tea."
"..." Hijikata looked down at the teen's worried expression. Though he shouldn't be fond of that expression, he realized that he hadn't seen this worried expression for a while. Just now, he realized that he had been missing something he hadn't noticed that he would be wistful for. "Aah." He audibly agreed.
The two went to the cafeteria. One of the shinsengumi rules were that they weren't allowed to have late night snacks, but beverages weren't considered snacks, so it was allowed. So if Saitou caught them, it wouldn't be breaking the rules.
Shinpachi prepared the mayonnaise flavored tea, and the two enjoyed it at the cafeteria. The megane worriedly asked, "So what is wrong, Hijikata-san?"
"...Shinpachi...do you have feelings for Sougo?"
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
Shinpachi spit the whole tea directly at Hijikata's face by accident. He coughed when some of it went towards his windpipe! Hijikata felt a vein about to pop, but he reasoned that his question was out of the blue, so he subsided his bloodthirsty anger, and got up to get a bunch of napkins to wipe his face and the table. While he did that, he apologized, "Sorry about that. It's just that I've been told that you two have been spending a lot of time together."
"Tha-COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! That's because he ordered me to!" he cried out with a rasped voice! "Plus, you should know better than anyone that Okita-san isn't my type!" he coughed once more, and then drank the rest of his tea to settle himself down.
"Right, sorry. I just had to ask. It is my role as vice chief to make sure that none of his men are breaking any regulations." Though that was true, Hijikata also asked because it was a question that he's been keeping to himself this whole time they've been apart. He couldn't take it anymore tonight.
Shinpachi felt his brows furrowed by that explanation. "Well, Okita-san and I are not in that type of relationship at all. I am also the type to not break any of the rules. You really look down on me, Hijikata-san." He said put off.
"It's not that I look down at you-"
"No, you look down at me." Shinpachi sharply retorted.
"Oi, I-!"
"If that's all you wanted to ask, then I better get back to bed. Good night, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi stood and walked to leave, but-
"OI! WAIT!" Hijikata ordered as he roughly grabbed the teen's arm. "I didn't mean to insult you!"
Shinpachi pulled his arm away, and angrily questioned back, "Then why did you ask a question like that! Is it because I told you the truth about myself that you think that I'd go behind your back and date someone in the shinsengumi! You wouldn't have asked that question if you didn't know!"
"It's not that! I'm worried-"
"Oh! So you don't think I can fend for myself!"
"WILL YOU JUST LISTEN! I am not insinuating that you are doing anything terrible that I would have to reprimand you for!"
"What you said would make anyone listening to you insinuate what I think! Maybe I was right to agree to be Okita-san's assistant so I could get away from you!"
"Get away from me?" Hijikata was stunned by this. "You became his assistant so you could get away from me! Why?! I thought we patched things up already!"
Shinpachi was at tears when he felt a familiar, but growing pain in his chest. Just listening to Hijikata speak so rudely yet so kindly in a moment that confused the vice chief made Shinpachi also feel a heavy set of guilt. He wanted to solve this issue, but he couldn't settle with going back to hating and loving when Hijikata was near as if everything was okay when it really wasn't.
He did his best to hold his tears in, but his grated voice expressed his turmoil and pain, "You wouldn't understand! You ignored me first! I-" He paused when he felt a tear streaming down his heated face. He felt so ashamed that he ran away from the shinsengumi headquarters by leaping through the wall.
IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! I'm an idiot! I got mad at Hijikata-san, and made him feel like he was at fault, when he doesn't know how I truly feel. I'm such a big idiot!
Shinpachi ran away from the building, not knowing of where he was going until he clashed onto someone from behind, but neither of them fell.
"Oi, oi, you shouldn't be running recklessly like that. You could hurt some...Shinpachi?" The man turned around, and Shinpachi looked up to see Gintoki who sounded drunk, but now he looked completely sober. The teen realized that it was because of his face. He wiped away his tears with the back of his hand as he turned away.
The silver haired samurai inspected his body to see no blood or tear. It was then obvious that this was caused by an argument. Not wanting to put the teen on the defense, he inquired, "What happened? Did you get rejected by a girl, because that sort of thing happens. You should've gotten her drunk so she's less likely to reject you, Patsuan. You'll look more like Tom Cruise by then."
Shinpachi laughed a little at that, and then frown as he covered his eyes. The tears just wouldn't stop, and he felt like he was crying for such a pathetic reason. "I'm sorry, Gin-san." he croaked. "I can't tell you the truth."
Gintoki was shocked by this, though his face remained blank. He wasn't insulted by this, but he knew that he couldn't leave the matter as it was. So he offered, "Then come over and sleep at the yorozuya. I'll tell that super sadist that you caught a cold. He told me that you're his assistant, but he's not the type to make you cry, so I won't beat him up. Anyway, when you can trust me, I won't judge. It's not my place to judge in the first place. So how about it Shinpachi. Wanna play hooky?"
The teen nodded vigorously. "Thank you, Gin-san."
._._._.
Everyone in the shinsengumi were on their feet, and tried to not say, "Oh, where's Shin-MMPH!"
"Shut up! The vice chief might hear you! I don't know what happened, but the kid had been granted temporary leave from his community service!"
"That's allowed?"
"I don't know, but whatever you do, don't mention his name!"
They immediately shut up when their vice chief appeared. They expected a menacing atmosphere, but what they felt was nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. More like they were invisible to each other because the man was in his own world.
"I don't care what my men say. I only want to hear the truth out of Shinpachi's mouth, but I shouldn't confront him. I need him to be willing to talk to me."
Hijikata paused his writing on his office table. He felt so much frustration, and writing down was not helping! Training was not helping! Beating down jouishishi was not helping!
He got up, and left to the only person he knew he could talk to.
"Ah, so you came to me. That's a surprise." The anpan sage said with a yawn. "Did you bother to talk to chief about this first?"
"This matter isn't about me. It's Shinpachi...and you're the only one in the shinsengumi who knows him best. You're the only person I can talk to."
"And you hate that that's true. You pride yourself as a man who doesn't get into emotional and personal business, but when you do, you always have a plan. It's both a blessing and a fault of yours."
"I didn't come here to get a psychoanalysis."
"No. You came here to just have an answer, but Hijikata-san, don't you think the answer lies on figuring yourself out? Shinpachi knows the type of person he is. He understands how he feels with a certainty because he's not afraid of how those emotions would label himself. If he's this way or that way, he'll accept it or try to change it. While you Hijikata-san always tries to remain the same. No matter the situation, you can be true to yourself, and maybe perhaps at other times like now, you're trying to remain being that truth." Yamazaki yawned again.
Hijikata was quiet. He didn't feel like anything about himself changed drastically. Then Hijikata remembered the sight of Shinpachi smile, his worried frown, and
"You wouldn't understand! You ignored me first! I-"
He was aware that he did ignore Shinpachi. But it was for only a week! And he didn't mean when he had to take care of the missiles case, but when he was actually there. Is Shinpachi that sensitive to being ignored? Shouldn't he be used to that sort of thing. Ah, no, that was mean for the man to think. Plus, when he finally looked at the situation they were in last week...
"To be suddenly ignored by a close friend, any one would be upset. It didn't matter how long. The point was that I made Shinpachi feel insignificant to me. I truly am an idiot. I was so focused on my own feelings that I failed to noticed his. I don't want to assume more than this of why he's mad. I want to hear it from his own mouth."
After that visit with Yamazaki, he went back to the shinsengumi and went straight to his office. In his guilty mind, he wished that the teen was waiting for him in his room, and when he opened it, there he was.
._._._.
A/N: Hijikata-san is a real idiot with his feelings for Shinpachi. If Shinpachi was a girl, he'd at least think of the possibility that he's developing some tender-loving feelings, but that's not the case. He's like a blank slate of confusion.
And Shinpachi is so confused about whether he wants attention or not from Hijikata.
Oh my poor OTP.
Oh, and actually seeing of where I'm going with this, I might actually reach over ten chapters! If anyone's interested...
Please review!