Chapter Six
They both resided in silence considering the magnitude of her words. Yes she had been the one to end things, to let him go, but was she not right in what she had said? If he had truly loved her like how he claimed, would he not have fought for her? At the very least, come back for her at the earliest opportunity?
"I thought about it," he said out loud. "I even wrote to you in the year eight, when I had a little money and a decent position, but I did not send it. I thought about coming back and rubbing my accomplishments in their faces, and then whisking you off. But I ..."
"You did not."
"No, I did not. I was too much a coward. I was too afraid to be rejected by you a second time, that I would not survive it, I barely did the first time. So I threw myself in to my career instead."
"We were both so young. We had no home, no money, you had little prospects at the time. I would have only held you back."
"You could have come with me like we always planned." He reminded her.
"What if there had been a child?" his hand tensed on her foot and then relaxed, so she continued. "No matter how it affected both of us, I stand by my decision. I did it for our own good. For you."
"You did it for me? You broke both our hearts, because you thought I would do better without you, than with you by my side!" his temper was rising again.
"I did it because I loved you! Can you honestly say you would have done as well as you did with a wife to worry about at home? It was better for you to go to sea hating me, than missing me."
"You think I did not miss you?" he cried. "I loved you Anne."
"As did I you." she sobbed. "I tried to explain all this to you at the time, but you would not listen. You were so angry, so ready to lay the blame at my feet and those of whom I loved most."
"Can you blame me?"
"No, but as much as you hate them, and me, for what I did, you cannot fault their logic. We were apart and look at all you have achieved."
"That may be true, or maybe not. We will never know. But I do know, I would have been happier, and I believe you would have been too."
"I believe I would too." Anne admitted. The silence returned and lasted for a few minutes, in which time they both realised he was still holding her and she him and that they should move apart. At the same time, they were exactly where they wanted to be. Neither moved from their position.
"Do you… that is… if I had returned, or at least written, when I had my career carved out for me, and I could have provide for you and a family, do you think you would have seen things differently?"
"Yes." She said without pause.
"And if I had asked you again, would you have said yes?"
"If I believed you still loved me. I believe I would have, yes." She whispered. "I believe I would always say yes to that question."
Frederick stiffened beside her, he wasn't sure if she was still referring to the past, or did she mean, always, as in if he was to ask her now, she would say yes. It was all too confusing. She had said earlier she would rather live alone and yet it now seemed that if he were to ask her, she would accept. Did he want to ask her? It was one thing to have marriage thrust upon them, but if it was what they both wanted, it was a different thing entirely. "I -" he began, his voice unsure and quiet.
"It is alright Captain, you do not need to say anything. I understand. That was all a long time ago, feelings change, you have Louisa to think of now. That is, it is her you prefer is it not?" Anne was referring to his obvious interest in both of the Musgrove girls.
Frederick however, had imagined she was referring to herself or Miss Louisa, to which he thought there could be no comparison. "I am not going to offer for Miss Louisa. I had thought about it, she is young and sweet and all that is lovely, and her good family makes us a good match. Her attentions since we were introduced have flattered me and made me believe I could be happy again."
"What has changed?"
Frederick did not answer and instead only made some comment about the darkening sky and the fact it had now stopped raining altogether. Anne sighed at being so close to learning something about him, and that the moment had passed them by once again. Frederick misunderstood and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze, "Do not worry Miss Elliot they will come soon."
She shook her head at their blatant inability to know what the other wanted. So long ago, when they were close, even before their engagement, that had been the one thing they had in spades. They knew each other like no other.
"It seems peculiar to have you refer to me as Miss Elliot. That was Elizabeth. I was always Miss Anne to you. And when we were alone, just Anne." She remarked.
"Is that not the proper way to address young ladies? Your sister is the eldest, so she is Miss Elliot, you being the younger of the two, being Miss Anne. However when she is away from home, you become the more important and so you become Miss Elliot."
"Is that why you are determined to still address me as such, even though we are the only ones here?" she chuckled to herself. "Decorum?"
"I am trying to keep some kind of propriety here, yes. Besides the same could be said of you. I never dreamed I would hear you call me Captain Wentworth. I always imagined by such a time as I made Captain, you would be my-" He did not finish his sentence, he did not have to.
"Well maybe for the time being, while we are in here, in this situation, I could be just Anne again."
"If you would prefer it."
"I would. I seems silly addressing each other as mere acquaintances, no matter what has happened in our past, we were once good friends and after this adventure, I could never go back to being strangers again, could you?" There was no answer. Anne wondered if she had pushed him too far. The darkness made it so hard to tell what the other was thinking, and yet so freeing that she could talk about anything. "If it would help, when we are returned to civilisation, you can go back to dismissing and avoiding me."
"It was not I refusing a dinner invitation, because of having to apparently care for a young boy."
"I did have to care for my nephew!" Anne snapped. "It was not that I chose to look after him, it was rather that I was the only one willing to stay with him, he needed me."
"And you could avoid seeing me."
She pulled her head away from his chest and looked at him, her eyes were full of pain and embarrassment. Surely he must have known how painful it would be for her to see him apparently move on with someone new.
Her behaviour only puzzled him further. How could someone who was so able to end their engagement, and break his heart, be so upset by seeing him? Surely she should have been lauding it over him. And yet she was always cowering away and trying to her best to escape being in his company at all costs. She had told him the reasons behind her actions, that it had all been for love, and yet she could barely look him in the eye, and seemed more interested in getting him betrothed to one of her friends instead. He remained quiet contemplating her reasoning.
As the hours drug on, Anne had fallen asleep on his shoulder and with her cloak wrapped around them both and the warmth radiating from her soft body beside him, he found himself grow drowsy too. He should stay awake, he should be the responsible gentleman and protect her, not take advantage of the situation by holding her closer to him. Not letting his head drop against hers, not closing his eyes and imagining what things would have been like if he had returned, or if he had never left. Could it really have been so easy? Was it his fault they had spent so many years both miserable in their own way? She had refused one offer, from a reputable man, and why? For him? He dare not believe it. Without thinking what was good and proper, he dropped his lips to her head and kissed her gently, whispering; "Good night Anne."
"Goodnight Frederick."
Her words were barely more than a whisper, but he knew she had spoken them, and that she was not asleep when she had. She had felt his kiss, and not protested, and she had called him once more by his given name. That being the last thing on his mind, he fell into sleep with Anne curled beside him.