an: it's been a while but I'm sure you are used to that by now ;) thank you for the great reviews they still keep coming and I love reading them! I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know you liked it! I hope you will enjoy the next chapter as well.
a big thank you to glisteningsun for helping me as an amazing beta. I learn so much! all mistakes left are obviously mine.
Chapter fifteen
It was still raining outside. Heavy raindrops were splattering against his windows. The city lights were one big blur. Andy could not sleep. For weeks he had spent his nights on his couch. Tonight he should sleep in his own bed again, but he couldn't. Her scent was all over his apartment. He could only imagine what his bed smelled like. He could change the sheets, but he was too tired. Part of him couldn't anyway, as the longing for her scent was just as strong.
Her things were still everywhere in his apartment. Her clothes, her shampoo, toothbrush, the book she'd been reading. What should he do? Gather everything, put it in a box, bring it to work with him? Would she come for it herself?
Each scenario he could come up with was awkward. How were they supposed to get past this? This was what he had been afraid of for so long, that everything would change between them when he wouldn't be able to control himself.
Tomorrow he would have to face her again. That's why he couldn't sleep now. He couldn't think of anything to say to her.
A dull knock at the door startled him from his thoughts. He knew it could only be one person. He could hardly leave her standing outside the door. Maybe she needed something. His worry for her would always take the upper hand. That's what had gotten him into that hotel room in the first place.
Andy stared at her. Her coat was wet, so was her hair. She had walked through the rain, all alone, in the dark. Just that made him want to pull her inside and tightly wrap his arms around her.
"I still had the key, but didn't want to let myself in. Can I come in?" Her voice was soft, tentative.
"Yeah, sure."
He stepped aside, taking a deep breath, as she walked past him. Andy held onto the door handle for dear life, his mind working overtime trying to come up with something to say. He closed his eyes biting his lip.
"I believed you might possibly still be awake."
He didn't respond. He looked at her being wet, actually dripping on his floor. Without a word he walked to the bathroom, shortly after returning with a thick, fluffy towel.
"Thank you."
Her smile was still kind of sad. He watched her take off her coat. She looked at the couch, at the pillow, the blanket.
"You know you can sleep in your own bed now. The assignment is over."
He couldn't.
"Uhm, do you need some things?" Finally he spoke. Did he really believe she would come over in the middle of the night and through the rain, to get her things?
"No." She dragged out the word, making it sound melodic, locking her eyes onto his, giving him no chance for an escape.
"I believe we should talk, don't you think?"
She made it impossible for him to refuse. And maybe she was right. This wasn't just going to disappear by itself. However, if they were going to have this talk now, he would need a large mug filled with coffee. He walked towards his open kitchen. "Would you like some coffee?"
"No, thank you."
She used the towel to dry her hair a bit. While she rubbed her hair dry, she stepped out of her shoes and walked barefoot over to Andy's bed room. She still had her slippers in there. Andy froze, clutching the counter, as he watched with how much familiarity she moved through his apartment. They were too familiar with one another. Maybe if they hadn't lived together these past few weeks, maybe then he would have been able to keep enough distance from her, emotionally, physically.
There was no sound in the room other that the gurgling sound of the coffee machine. Sharon walked over to the couch moving away the blanket. Pulling up her feet underneath herself, she sat down. It was clear enough Andy wasn't going to start this conversation.
"We need to talk about what happened. It's important."
This was about their feelings, about them. They couldn't just pretend like nothing had happened and continue their lives. This would eat them up from the inside. Had this been a spur of the moment thing? Was there more? God only knew how long Andy had already walked around having these feelings for her. It surely had lingered long enough inside of her, without her consciously noticing it.
What was he supposed to say? He wasn't even sure whether he could lie to her, if she stared into his eyes with those incredible green eyes of hers. Probably not. And she would ask him straight out, no doubt about that.
What if she felt the same? That kiss had been filled with so much passion. Would he be able to deny his feelings for her anyway? Telling himself that he would protect her like that, that she would get even more hurt if he wouldn't. Did it justify lying to her? Would he be able to do that?
Sharon wished he would sit down with her, instead of busying himself with all sorts of other things.
"Would you please stop walking and sit down with me. I can't talk to you like that. "
There was a hint of frustration in her voice. He wished now he had more than just that one couch. He needed distance from her, but it would be weird to sit down on the dining chair. He bit the inside of his cheek, reluctantly sitting down on the small couch with her.
"Andy…"
"I'm sorry."
Sharon's eyes were confused, she parted her lips to speak, but he could not let her. He would have to apologize.
"I'm sorry, I should have kept control over the situation and…"
"Andy, stop it."
He stared at her reaction. Her voice was direct, frustrated, emotional.
"You didn't do anything to me. I was right there with you, Andy."
"It was an uneasy situation. You felt forced…"
"I did not feel forced."
"We had to get Mario taping…"
"I did not kiss you, so Mario would start taping. It just happened. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about Mario and where we were. I kissed you, because I wanted to kiss you and you kissed me back, mister."
For a moment he looked at her, stunned. His shock didn't disappear when she looked deeply into his eyes, her hand reaching out to touch his cheek.
She liked the feeling of his skin underneath her hand. It was a bit rough and somehow that awakened new butterflies in her stomach. Her inner voice finally speaking up, telling her the truth that she did indeed feel attracted to him, she moved closer. Her voice was low. "I wanted to kiss you."
He could almost feel her lips move. She was too close. That warm feeling was already spreading through his body again. His heartbeat was intensifying. She emphasized her words by putting her lips on his. A gentle touch, then a second one, more intense. Both filled with so much love. His stomach dropped. He already felt his own lips responding to hers. This could not happen again. Better hurt her a little now than make a mess out of her in the long run.
Andy pulled away from her and for a moment she was dazed. She frowned confused, while Andy walked away from her. Had she been wrong about his feelings for her? No. Just now he had responded to her kiss as well. He was scared. What was he so scared of?
She turned around to see him standing in front of the window. His hands leaning on the windowsill, his entire body tense. She sighed. She hadn't considered the fact Andy might not be ready for this talk at all. The last thing she wanted was to make him uncomfortable.
"Andy?"
The muscles in his back flexed.
"I better leave. When you're ready to talk about this, just let me know. We need to talk about this, Andy. It won't just go away." She put her shoes back on and grabbed her coat.
Andy only realized what she had said about leaving when she closed the door behind her. Startled he turned towards the door seeing that she had actually left. Oh great.
He was a complete moron. This beautiful woman had just kissed him. The woman he loved more than his life had kissed him and he had just send her out into the pouring rain. He felt like banging his head against the wall. How was he supposed to face her the next day? He had only managed to make an even bigger mess out of this.
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Andy walked into the murder room. Except for Sanders and Dixon no one was around. Part of him was happy Sharon wasn't there either. What had she told him?
'It won't just go away.'
He was afraid that she was right. This wasn't a thing he could ignore long enough for it to disappear. That's what he had been doing for so long now, and the only thing that did happen was that he had made a bigger mess out of things. Sharon was right, this wasn't just going to go away if they ignored it long enough. It would destroy everything there was between them.
Sharon's words had been drumming in his mind since the moment she left.
'I wanted to kiss you and you kissed me back, mister.'
She was so right. He had kissed her back. With passion. She knew he had feelings for her. He hadn't bothered to hide them at that moment. Sharon had tried to tell him she had the same feelings for him and that had scared the hell out of him. It had been scary enough for him to face his own feelings, while he was sure Sharon would never have the same feelings for him. He had been sure she felt nothing but friendship for him, sure that she would never feel more for him. It gave him a headache.
"What are you doing here?"
Andy met Hamilton's frown.
"What? Did I miss the memo stating everyone had a day off?"
"You're supposed to be at the suspects house."
Andy looked confused at Hamilton, standing in the doorway.
"You look awful, Flynn."
"Haven't slept much."
Hadn't Elliot used the same excuse? She had looked even worse. And apparently they still weren't talking to each other.
"Could have called me, Commander."
"I believed Elliot already had."
"Well she didn't, or I wouldn't be here, would I?"
"No need to bite my head off, Flynn. Work out whatever it is, that's going on between Elliot and you. Go get angry with her."
Andy turned around to walk out. The only person he should get angry with was himself. He wondered though why Sharon hadn't called him. Was this how it was going to be? A partner who would not communicate with him? They would not be able to function like this, not as a team.
He sighed. Somehow that still seemed to be the least of his problems. He didn't want to lose her, not as a partner and definitely not as a friend.
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Hands in his pockets Andy walked into the living room. He had learned to use that habit a long time ago. You didn't want to contaminate a scene. Everything had been turned upside down. Andy knew they were looking for the tape or tapes. That was the reason why they had gone through the hotel room spectacle, to get a search warrant for the tape with Andrea on it.
Everyone was quite busy, Sharon giving directions like she owned the scene. Ordering people around, she was the first one to notice him. She stood bend over, her gloved hands halfway inside a box, when she looked up at him. She looked like hell. There were dark circles underneath her eyes. He felt awful. Sensing he had caused them being there.
"Hi."
"Hey. Already found something?" The talking started more easily than he had thought it would be, although it seemed formal.
"No. He hid it well, but we will find it."
She said it in a way that he knew she'd be the last one to leave if she had to. He stared at her. Now he was closer he saw some of the veins in her eyes had popped. He wanted to put his hand on her back, rub it, ask her whether she was okay. Tell her he had never wanted to hurt her. That all this had been about not hurting her. It still felt like that elephant was in the room.
"I'm fine."
Great she could still read his mind, while hers seemed to be protected by a thick brick wall.
"You don't look the part."
"Didn't sleep well."
She saw his face fall. She didn't want him to believe it was his fault. Part of it had been the conversation or lack thereof, that they had had, but is wasn't the main reason.
"Nightmares."
He looked compassionately. He knew about the nightmares which kept haunting her. He had held her in his arms, soothed her more than once. If anyone understood, it was him.
"You look like you didn't get much sleep yourself."
"I didn't."
The air was heavy with questions, neither of them asked. This wasn't the place nor the time for this conversation, but it seemed like it was all they could think of. Both of them were a little desperate in trying to occupy themselves.
"Have you already searched outside, or doesn't the warrant include the garage and garden?"
"It does, but I don't believe he kept it there. The humidity doesn't provide good conditions for storing a tape."
Andy sighed. "I don't get why we won't just take some of that guys blood and compare it to the dried blood Nichols found underneath her fingernails."
"We can't take his blood. We haven't got enough to link him to Andrea. Besides, his might be a blood type millions of people have. It won't prove a thing. Maybe in a year of so. They're working on DNA testing. They're just not far enough. So if we get all these little pieces of the puzzle together we'll build a strong enough case. "
"You think like a lawyer."
A small smile curled her lips. She'd been so close to becoming one. Still she was glad she hadn't. By now she found the law a lot more appealing than being a lawyer.
"That makes you a good cop, Sharon."
"Thank you."
Her sad smile was killing him. He had been so afraid of hurting her, but it seemed like he already had. What if he wouldn't be able to make this right? He would have done to her, what he had been so afraid of. Why couldn't he get this right?
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Sharon looked around. She felt like they had searched every little piece of the house. Thinking like a lawyer wouldn't help her much here. She should think more like a criminal, this tape her only source of income until she found someone new to blackmail. So where would she keep such an important possession?
Cohen saw Sharon in the midst of the mess. She was running her hand through her hair for the tenth time or so. It was all messy now. She still had the same determined look on her face from when they had started out this search, but the others were drained. They had searched in every little corner of the house. There was no tape. He looked at Flynn. He should be the one to tell Elliot. He was her partner, but something was off. He couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. He didn't understand the gloomy look on the man's face either. It had been him, who had been kissing their gorgeous young female team member rather passionately. She might sometimes seem a bit cold, but she was quite a pretty thing. Brains too. Enough of a warning for him to stay away from her, as he had burned his fingers before on beauty and brains - although it had been tempting. He could only imagine how tempting it must be for Flynn. He walked over to him.
"Can't you tell her we're not going to find anything. We've turned the place upside down."
Andy's eyes widened, he limited the speaking to her. He didn't want to look in her eyes.
"Why do I have to be the one to tell her?"
"You're her partner."
Andy shook his head. Cohen pressured him though with the look in his eyes.
"Sharon. Do you believe it's here?"
" It's here."
"I believe we should cut our losses. "
Sharon wasn't ready to give up yet.
"We've looked everywhere."
She knew they had looked everywhere, short of taking out the floor boards. She had even studied the pattern in the carpet searching for anomalies, for any indication there was some hidden space somewhere, but there wasn't. Sighing deeply she sat down on the couch.
"It should be here. We found no evidence pointing to a storage locker. I don't believe he would risk keeping it in his car either. "
Andy knew she was making good points there. Her instinct was normally right. So maybe they shouldn't give up yet.
"It has to be in here."
"Okay. Let's go over the room one more time."
Cohen sighed.
Andy decided to go over the room. "The cupboard. Who did that?"
Zygerski raised his hand. "Nothing in the drawers, no hidden compartments, nothing underneath or behind it. "
"The heating?"
"Would destroy the tape. He's not stupid." Cohen didn't believe this was getting them anywhere. Not even with the solution Flynn came up with.
"No heat resistant box?"
"He's not that smart either, Flynn."
Andy looked anyway.
"Couch?"
"Nothing in the cushions or underneath it, nothing behind it either." Sanders had went over it with precision.
"Side table?"
"Nothing." They began to sound bored.
"Clock?"
"Are we really going over each single item, Flynn? We checked everything out."
"Yeah we are, Dixon."
"There's nothing inside the clock. Look through the damn glass yourself."
Everyone's frustration was coming to the surface.
"The hidden compartment, is there nothing there either?"
"What hidden compartment?" Dixon raised his brows, had Flynn completely lost his marbles?
"That clock looks like the one my grandfather used to have, he stored his whiskey in it. My brothers and I were pleasantly surprised."
Andy grinned while walking over to the clock pulling harder on the bottom as it seemed stuck.
"And here we are. I bet this is the tape we've been looking for. See? You guys need me around."
They raised their eyebrows at his cocky attitude, but he only smiled. He had been lucky to recognize the clock. Finally they had some evidence to make the guy sweat. They'd be able to wrap up this case. Unfortunately once it was solved, he would no longer have an excuse to ignore what had happened between Sharon and him.